From oracle-request Fri Jul 12 15:29:31 1996 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.7.1/IUCS.1.60) id PAA20062; Fri, 12 Jul 1996 15:29:31 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 12 Jul 1996 15:29:31 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199607122029.PAA20062@moose.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: moose.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #845 Bcc: Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 845 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #845 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Fri, 12 Jul 1996 15:29:31 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 845 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 840 107 votes iIte2 9roxe 9Azk7 irsq8 54bo* hmAhf xCjc5 9zCj6 dGui4 6lAxb 840 2.9 mean 2.4 3.1 2.8 2.8 4.3 2.9 2.2 2.8 2.6 3.2 --- 845-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great Oracle whose girlfriend outshines the legendary Helen of > Troy, please answer my humble petition. > > If I continue to send you messages on company time how soon > before I am fired, and will I care? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Didn't you read the piece of paper that was enclosed with your final } paycheck last week? --- 845-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, bigger than a road digger, more serene than a washing > machine, who knows more than a carpet store and gets things wrong less > often than people who leave their ice-cream out in the sun and wait for > it to soften, > please tell me: > > Why do I never seem to have a matching pair of socks? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Quantum mechanics. To elucidate: } } Socks are created in sock-antisock pairs. These are separated at high } energies in the factories and forced into packages with little } cardboard damper devices. } Each package will contain either two socks or two antisocks. The } cardboard dampers prevent them from escaping during transit, but once } they make it to your sock drawer they repel each other with } considerable force. It is extremely difficult to get them back together } and usually they settle for alignment with a sock or antisock of a } different "spin", which is why you usually end up with a pair that are } similar but different in some single distinct way. } It is fairly frequent of course for a sock and antisock to come into } contact, annihilating one another. This is why you never have as many } socks as you thought you had. } } Incidentally, in the presence of water (for example, in a washing } machine), the particles released during the sock-antisock reaction are } trapped long enough to undergo secondary decay, which usually results } in a pink, lacey-edged cotton handkerchief exactly one size too small } to be useful. } } You owe the Oracle some clean underwear, at energies in excess of 8.3 } Gigaelectronvolts. --- 845-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David R Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh no! Tell me it's not true! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, I would, but the fact is, it is true. You have heartburn.. } } When I had stomach pain, I was afraid to go to the doctor because I } thought it might involve surgery - I thought it was ulcers. My wife } convinced me to, though - "You're not getting any younger," she said, } so I went. } } My doctor said Mylanta. } } WHY DID I TRUST HIM? Perhaps its because he looked just like the } doctors on TV. Maybe I'll never know... } } I went home, and tried the stuff. At first it was just } two tablespoons every evening, after my evening meal, but soon, I } was having after breakfast, and then lunch. Before I knew it, I was } hooked. I couldn't stop myself - I had to keep drinking it. It gave } me terrible indigestion, yet the only way to calm my bowels was with } more of the stuff. I was up to 3 litres a day, then four - I spent all } my time at the drug store or on the toilet, sipping Mylanta, and } reading cheap novels. Soon, my trips became longer. I kept running out } of reading material in the middle of a toilet trip and having to sit } there for hours, with nothing to do. I had to graduate to the hard } stuff: James Joyce, Charles Dickens, and the Encylopedia Britannica (I } remember finishing letters K through O and Tolstoy's War and Peace in } one glorious four-day bender). I slept in fitful dozes, dreaming } nightmarish visions of giant pale blue-green bottles, and vast lakes } minty green. All I was eating was Mylanta. My wife had left me - I } didn't even notice until I realized that my favourite spoon was gone. } } When they came for me, I was lying on the bathroom floor in a } retching spasm coughing the stuff I drank the night before. When I } realized they were going to take me away, I became enraged, maniacal. } It took six paramedics to put the strait jacket on me, AFTER they had } sedated me. } } Things are different now. I had to have a triple colon bypass, and } half the lining of my stomach removed. The colostomy bag still comes } unplugged every once in a while, but usually isn't too much of a mess, } (except, of course the time when my dog ran away with it). I have begun } looking forward to my weekly colonic, and have met so many wonderful } people, like Jimmy 'Slippy Hands', my rectal probe operator and all the } people at the colostomic support group, and Mylantaholics Anonymous. } } Still I have my health, and that's what counts doesn't it? } } You owe the oracle two tablespoons to be taken at bedtime. If } symptoms persist for more than two weeks, consult a medical } professional. --- 845-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wise and powerful Oracle, who didn't buy Snapple when Howard Stern > was promoting it, please answer my humble question: > > What is the deal with all of the radio station in New York City? As > you well know, all of the major stations have undergone drastic format > changes in the past year: first KROCK went from classic rock to > alternative/grunge (eek!), then WNEW went from classic rock to new > rock/grunge (argh!), and Z100 went from dance/pop to > pop/mainstream(grunge) (oh well). Now I find out this past weekend > that my favorite station, Q104.3, went from hard rock to classic rock > (why!!!?). It used to be, "New York's pure rock, Q104.3", now it's > "104.3, the new classic" What is going on here? Don't they realize we > get upset when they change a station that has been a certain way for, > like, 15 years? Please help me undestand this phenomenon. I am very > disoriented. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The answer is quite simple: New York is undergoing a Great Vowel } Shift. } } What is happening in your puny mortal radio stations today is exactly } what happened numerous times in Europe during the middle ages, except } with a more accelerated pace due to the effects of mass media. The } vowels (and perhaps consonants as well) are being shifted toward the } red part of the spectrum, causing lyrics to have a more grungy sound. } } Take for example, the following phrase: } } "We're not gonna take it, no, we ain't gonna take it, we're not gonna } take it, anymore." } } Feeding this into a simulation that slowly shifts e->a, i->e, and u->o } yields a more modern phrase, in this case from Pearl Jam: } } "WEEEEEEEEEELLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAH,hammalammajammabammasdlsCAJrrsdfCONCRETE." } } By an even stranger coincidence, "Smells like Teen Spirit" is merely a } vowel shifted version of the Wonder Stuff's "Size of a COW." This } theory also demonstrates why lip-synching made-to-order } teenybopper-with-ZITS bands like NKOTB or Milli Vanilli will eventually } be exposed as frauds, since after enough shifting the lyrics won't } match their lip movements. } } It is left as an exercise to the reader to show that, in 20 years, all } songs by Michael Bolton will suck even more. } } You owe the Oracle the entire State of New York. --- 845-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, whose supreme power reigns over the universe, > please tell me: > > Was that Lisa who streaked across the lawns of Wimbledon? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Nope my disciple, unluckily for you, it was not my Lisa. } In any case you will be happy to know that the girl at } Wimbledon was much and much better than my Lisa, first of } vcds ouch... ops, *hi Lisa* ,gfdnwe d 72 j } } x } ff } } *help*b hghg[[[[ } } gs } h hf3w ]30x } } yoi u owev the ORCLE THe pho newq num hbwrer of thwe girlsa } in zx Wimsv bledon!!! --- 845-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hello oracle, > > I'm twelve and still a virgin. Now I'm getting desperate. > What shall I *do*? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Don't fret; Plenty of people have gone through puberty without } losing their virginity, and they've turned out to be decently } well-balanced folks. } } However, if you go beyond 20 without getting laid, the stress } will start to do things to your mind. Dan Quayle held out until } age 29, and _he_ can barely spell "virgin" now. } } Here are a couple of tips to remember when you're considering } "taking the plunge without taking the _plunge_:" } } 1. Act cool, be cool. } } Nothing says turnoff like being able to irrigate several } Texas farms with sweat wrung out of your Spiderman teeshirt. } A quick blast of liquid nitrogen under each armpit should do } the trick. } } 2. Vigor is the better part of valor. } } By sheer chance, there is a law of physics which states } two bodies cannot occupy the same space at the same time. Your } first time out, you will most likely try to accomplish just } that, leading to either a horribly damaging childhood } experience you'll describe to a therapist when you're age } 50, or a severe leg cramp the next morning. } } 3. Know what to say the next day. } } Part of the adolescent sexual experience is learning } how to handle the infamous "morning after." In the interest } of providing an educational experience, I won't tell you } what works well, but I will tell you what _doesn't_: cab } fare on the nightstand. } } 4. Madonna is off-limits. } } Self-explanatory, I think. } } 5. Pay attention to your partner. } } You don't have to completely swamp them in affection, but, } still, make sure the other person feels needed. It's awfully } disquieting during sex to hear your partner muttering, "Beige! } We'll paint the ceiling beige!" } } You owe the Oracle an explanation of that Dennis Rodman/Madonna } thing. --- 845-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Can I make a lot of money putting cacti into dish gardens and selling > them? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If you advertise on AOL, you can. Observe: } } (Scene: The hallowed halls of AOL tech support, 2:47 am) } } AOL Tech Supprt: How can I help you? } AOL User: YEAH I THINK YOUR STUFF ISNT WORKING } Tech: In what way? } User: I BOUGHT SOME CATCI DISHES FROM YOU GUYS AND ONE OF THEM BROKE } Tech: (pause) . . . Yes? } User: THEY SAID THE DISHES NEVER BREAK AND ONE OF THEM BROKE } Tech: Well, why don't you talk to the company? } User: THEY SAY THEIR STUFF NEVER BREAKS!!! SO ITS GOTTA BE YOUR } SOFTWARE Tech: (another pause) I see. } User: I WANT NEW AOL THAT WONT BREAK MY DISHES } Tech: What exactly happened? } User: I WAS GETTING PICTURES FROM PEOPLE AND I KNOCKED ONE OVER WHILE } IT WAS SENDING NOW THERES CACTUS CRAP ALL OVER MY FLOOR AND I POKED } MYSELF IN THE HANDS AND FEET A LOT } Tech: Are you sure this isn't a question for their company? } User: I WASNT BORN YESTERDAY YOU MORON JUST TELL ME WHERE I NEED } TO GET NEW AOL STUFF SO MY DISHES DONT BREAK!!! I NEED THE WHOLE DINNER } SET OF 12 Tech: (after a LONG pause) Alright. Look, I'm not supposed } to tell you this, but there IS a bug in the Macintosh AOL v2.7 that } breaks dishes. First call the dish place and tell them that you'll pay } for a new set, and that we'll cover it, since it's our fault. You'll } be reimbursed with login time. Then, write a check for $49.95 to AOL, } asking for the Macintosh v2.8 No-Dish-Breaking software. It's very } hard to make, so it costs a little. Ok? } User: THATS EXPENSIVE BUT OK THANKS } } Then you and your Tech Support compadre split the money the } gentleman sends you, and ZOT him one for not grovelling to me. The } financial ZOT of spending way too much money on meaningless } applications won't faze him, since he already uses AOL. } } You owe the Oracle a Macintosh v2.8 No-Dish-Breaking debugger. --- 845-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > QUICK!! Which way did they go? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ok..they left in a eastbound train at 5:30 a.m. The train is } going 73.2 miles per hour. The train itself is on the Earth, which is } rotating at a healthy clip. The Earth is usually rotating around } the Sun at speeds fast enough to send you hurtling into space, if it } wasn't for that great centripetal force. (Clever, aren't I?) } Hmmm, this is looking difficult. Do I get any scratch paper? The Sun } is zipping around along with all those other damn stars in the Milky } Way. The Milky Way is taking the long path to Grandma's. } Huh? Oh, sorry...I was just told by the priest that the } point is moot anyway. They were all killed when the train derailed } because some punk put a penny on the track. And don't even THINK of } asking me where all the parts are. --- 845-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear oracle, > > Why do cats drink milk with their tongues curved under? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because extending the tougue with the tip curved over signifies } something else in feline culture. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the Katra Sutra. --- 845-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh knower of all and doer of Lisa, please tell this humble > supplicant what RFTM means. Is it a government agency? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This little known group is the Royal French Toast Makers. Despite } the name, it isn't actually a government agency. The word "royal" } indicates that the organization has received an appointment from Her } Majesty, as the official supplier of greasy breakfast foods to } Buckingham Palace. } } RFTM has its roots just after the turn of the century, when several } London cooks decided (for reasons which have been lost in the annals } of time) that they needed to standardize their French Toast } preparation, so they got together to form an ad hoc committee. They } were originally going to call themselves the English French Toast } Association (EFTA), but when the contradiction in that term was } pointed out, they settled for the National Eggy Bread Society } (NEBS). (EFTA turned up again later on, but that's a different } story.) } } Over the years, NEBS achieved continual improvement in the standard } French Toast, and in 1968, Queen Elizabeth II appointed them to their } current position, and suggested (well, OK, commanded) them to change } the name to RFTM. In a controversial move, Nigel Smythe, then the } chairman of the organization, was knighted (Royal Victorian Order). } } RFTM tends to stay out of the news, as they consider their current } French Toast standard to be perfect, and are not attempting to } improve it in any way. } } (And you were expecting me to say something like "read from the } manual", weren't you? Tish!) } } You owe the Orcale a cure for dyslexai.