From oracle-request Thu Jan 30 09:16:49 1997 Received: by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.4/IUCS.1.75) id JAA11035; Thu, 30 Jan 1997 09:16:49 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 30 Jan 1997 09:16:49 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199701301416.JAA11035@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: sunos.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #882 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 882 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #882 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 30 Jan 1997 09:16:49 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 882 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 877 113 votes clxon auFq6 6uruk 7eEum 7gyvp 9blDx 9mAnn 8pzsh blRm6 akzmq 877 3.3 mean 3.2 2.9 3.2 3.4 3.5 3.7 3.3 3.2 2.9 3.3 --- 882-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, mighty forecastor of the wind beneath my wings, > > I've learned that the superbowl is a good predictor of > the stock market. If the NFC team wins there will be > a bull market, and if the AFC team wins the market will be > bear. This formula has been wrong only 4 times out of the > 30 superbowls (I believe). Can you explain this phenomenon? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's like the other famous stock market predictor: women's hem lengths. } When skirts are short, the market is bull; when they're long, it's } bear. } } You'll know it's time to get out of the market when you see the AFC } defensive line in long gowns. } } You owe the Oracle two 50-yard line tickets to Superbowl CLXXI. --- 882-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Waddya want from me! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Amusement, supplicant. Amusement. --- 882-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > BINGO! See? I got B-17, I-12, N-59, G-20, and an O-82 And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm... } } B I N G O ? } 17 12 59 20 82 } } Good heavens! That's the chemical formula for Bigboomium! Zadoc! Take } cover! } } ** KABLAAAAAAM! ** } } Zadoc: Master are you alright? } Oracle: Werm... herm... what? Of course I'm alright! } Zadoc: What happened to the supplicant? } Oracle: He's gone to that big bingo tumbler in the sky. } Zadoc: Thank heavens I didn't try to verify his card. } Oracle: Land sakes what a mess... Zadoc, get this cleaned } up before Lisa gets home! } } You owe the Oracle a mop and a bottle of Mr. Klean. --- 882-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Bremner The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When will she stop snapping that gum? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I, the great and omniscient Oracle, have chewed on and digested your } question. Ah, trifles make up the sum of human things! I refer you to } Edmund Burke, who, in his Reflections on the Revolution in France, } said: } } "Because half a dozen grasshoppers under a fern make the field ring } with their importunate chink, whilst thousands of great cattle, reposed } beneath the shadow of the British oak, chew the cud and are silent, } pray do not imagine that those who make the noise are the only } inhabitants of the field; that, of course, they are many in number; or } that, after all, they are other than the little shriveled, meager, } hopping, though loud and troublesome insects of the hour." } } Bring a cow into your living room and you will cease to notice the gum } chewer. } } You owe the Oracle a stickier question. --- 882-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Forbes The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the future of Social Security? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Feb 1997 - Pres. Clinton appoints bipartisan commision with the mandate } to reform US social security. } } Aug 1997 - Commision reports initial findings, splits more or less } along party lines as to the remedy for the situation. } } Oct 1997 - Committee meets in effort to break deadlock. Factions agree } that the severity of the problem merits a reexamination of } old political thinking. } } Dec 1997 - Citizens' coalitions launch Christmas ad campaign } highlighting the cost that current social security practices } will have on our children. Public pressure for a solution } grows. } } Feb 1998 - Print and electronic media concentrate on social security } reform and other reforms made possible by this new public } committment. Lawmakers begin to hammer out proposals. } } May 1998 - Series of public hearings held in which lawmakers, media, } political groups, and academics present and explain the } proposals for change. } } Nov 1998 - Success of public hearings spurs legislators to find a } solution, and provide a clear mandate for change, helping to } break obstructionism and fearmongering by established } interests. } } Jan 1999 - Legislators begin drafting the final version of the new } social security bill. The new system is expected to become } a model of compassionate and affordable assistance for the } rest of the world. } } Jun 1999 - House and Senate meet in unprecedented effort to hammer out } differences and fix problems highlighted by public debate. } "Pork barrel" amendments are banned. Both sides work to } bring plan in under budget with more services. } } Aug 1999 - Bill nears final passage. American public applauds elected } representatives who put aside personal political interests } to save the future. } } Sep 1999 - Nobel committe announces rare group prize in Economics } awarded to the legislative and executive branches of the US } government. } } Dec 1999 - As one of his final major acts in office, president Clinton } signs the historic Social Security reform bill. For perhaps } the first time since the founding of the republic, all } citizens are united in common cause, politicians work for } the common good, the public is involved and informed in } political matters, corruption and inertia are overcome and a } major problem threatening the future of the country is } overcome with intelligence, honesty and hard work. } } Jan 2000 - Hell freezes over. } } You owe the oracle a subscription to George. --- 882-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please zot me. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Foolish supplicant, you would dare make a request of the } oracle without grovelling, who do you think you are? As } if I didn't already know. For that you shall be z...um... } wait a second. If I zot you, you'll receive what you } requested, thereby receiving a request without proper } grovelling, but since you did not grovel, I am supposed } to zot you. But I can not zot you even though I have } to zot you. Damn, {Yelling} Zadoc, get in here." } } <> } } "Zadoc, this foolish mortal has requested that I zot him." } } Zadoc: "Then zot him." } } "But he did not grovel." } } Zadoc: "Then zot him." } } "I can't zot him because if I zot him, I'll be doing what he } wants." } } Zadoc: "Then don't zot him." } } "But I have to zot him, since he didn't grovel." } } Zadoc: "Then zot him." } } "I can't" } } Zadoc: "Then don't" } } <> } } Zadoc: "Master, you must zot him, but you should not zot him." } } "What if I zot you?" } } Zadoc: "Then you still haven't solved the problem with the } supplicant" } } <> } } ********Z O T******** } } Zadoc: "OWWWWWW!! What did that solve?" } } "I feel better." } } Zadoc: "But what are you going to do to the supplicant?" } } ********Z O T******** } } Zadoc: "OWWWWWWW!!! What was that for?" } } "It's helping me think." } } ********Z O T******** } ********Z O T******** } ********Z O T******** } ********Z O T******** } } Zadoc: "I'm leaving, I'm tired of you always Zotting me when } you should ZOT the supplicant." } } ********Z O T******** } } "Oh, sorry, that was reflex. I think I'll let the supplicant, oh } wait! I've got it, Zadoc, you ZOT him!!" } } Zadoc: "ME?!?! You don't ever let me touch the ZOT staff." } } "If you ZOT him, he won't get what he wants, and he'll get zotted } as appropriate!" } } <> } } Zadoc: "This is heavy" } } "OK, point it at the screen...no...no...aim at the screen...the } computer...ZADOC...WATCH OUT!!" } } <> } } ********Z O T******** } } Delphi: "MMMMMMMRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRWWWWWWWW" } } "Now look what you...give me that...why do I keep you around? Oh } yes, I remember." } } ********Z O T******** } } Zadoc: "Ow. I guess I deserved that." } } <> } } "Dumb sh**, oh well supplicant, I guess that you get away with not } grovelling this time, but don't let it happen again." } } You owe the oracle a new, unbent, ZOT staff --- 882-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise Oracle, a SWAT team, an army, a navy, and a marine > force in one deity, your humble assistant asks for your > participation in this mission: > > Every minute in this world, a woman has a baby. > > We must find her and stop her. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } it is a mission worthy of oracular support. my contribution will be my } logbook, from which you will learn, if you read my entries of 9 months } ago, the identity of that woman. } } you owe the oracle your turn for the 3 a.m. feeding --- 882-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > OhOraclemostwise,whydoesn'tthespacebarworkonmykeyboard? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You have contracted a particularly despicable virus. The worst } featureof thisvirusisthatitistransmittedviaplaintextemails. } } Ohsodit.Nowlookwhatyou'vedone. } } YouowetheOracleanemailwiththewordsGoodTimesinthesubjectline. --- 882-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, please tell your unworthy supplicant, > why would a person want to own a cat. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, the obvious reason is because one's mother-in-law is allergic to } the beasts. Here kitty, kitty... Good kitty... OUCH! } } You owe the Oracle a band-aid. --- 882-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle of wonders, please answer me this: > > Why aren't floppy disks floppy anymore? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, now they have silicone implants so theyre' firmer and have er } am.. larger capacity!