From oracle-request Wed Mar 12 15:14:20 1997 Received: by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.4/IUCS.1.75) id PAA27604; Wed, 12 Mar 1997 15:14:20 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 12 Mar 1997 15:14:20 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199703122014.PAA27604@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: sunos.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #891 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 891 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #891 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 12 Mar 1997 15:14:20 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 891 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 886 125 votes hJHi2 7hQze 2vKzb 9mFEd sxBgb 3lQG7 8hAJj 7sJpk 7owDn 4HKq6 886 3.1 mean 2.5 3.3 3.2 3.2 2.6 3.2 3.4 3.2 3.4 2.9 --- 891-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ohgreatandmighty oracle > > i have been studing the work of thebrilliant <<<>>> > what > do > you > think of him? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } he is quite } overr ated, } in my humbl } e opi nion. } all lower case letter } s lit tle i } f any punct } uatio n and } going off o } n tan gents } for no visible reason } hes a moron } as an y hum } an be ing c } an cl clear } ly se e ass } uming ,of c } ourse that they are n } ot id iot t } hemse lves. } you o we th } e ora cle a } book of actual poetry --- 891-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > [[The scene: A battlefield. Bill Gates walks up on one side and looks > at the area.]] > > Bill {shouting}: Hey! Show Yourself! Let's finish this once and for > all! > > [[Marc Andressen walks up from the hill on the other side]] > > Marc: Going to forfeit today, Bill? > > Bill: Never! > > Marc: Face the facts. Navigator is the most favored browser around the > Internet. Microsoft has become the underdog, a situation it's not used > to. Give up, we got here first. > > Bill: My rear-end! You charge great amounts of money for your browser, > while mine is free. > > Marc: The user gets what s/he pays for. > > Bill: That's it! Let the battle begin! > > Marc: Fine, then! > > [[Both men walk turn around and walk off in direction opposite of each > other. Soon, they return and troops behind them.]] > > Both: Attack! > > [[The troops run down into the area between the two hills and soon a > gigantic green lizard blows fire at Bill and his men. Bill and most all > except a couple of troops jump out of the way. A huge lowercase e behind > them begins to spin]] > > Soilder operating the e: Powering up, sir! Ready to fire! > > Bill: Blast them! > > [[The e shoots the revolving comets at Marc and Co. The green lizard > blocks the group from the comets, injuring itself]] > > Bill: Oh hey, look! It worked. Fire again! > > Soldier operating the e: Sir! We have encountered bugs. We cannot fire > again until they are fixed. > > Bill: Fine then. I'll hold them off a bit. ActiveX control! > > [[A block thingy quickly revovles above Bill for a moment, then sends > itself at part of the Netscape team. A few troops are incinerated by it. > It goes away in a flash]] > > Marc: Hmm.. All they did was program cookies in anyways. Hit > statistics! > > [[To Bill's horror, a odometer style counter appears out of nowhere > above Marc. The numbers on the counter start spinning rapidly]] > > Marc: You see, Bill. Our site gets over eight million visits a day > > Bill {thinking}: This needs a more direct attack. > > [[Bill puts money into advertising, which attacks the Netscape > browser]] > > Marc: That's it. Now I will have to.. > > [[Suddently, between the two a flash appears above their heads, and the > Internet Oracle lowers down with dramatic music and an intresting aura. > He opens his eyes and takes in the scene]] > > Oracle: Wait! There is a way we can all work this out and both of you > can win! > > Marc and Bill: How? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle: First, I shall create an idyllic tropical island. } } [[With a flash and a bang, the Oracle, Marc, and Bill are hovering over } a remote spot in the Pacific Ocean. With a rumble, an island appears } from the waves, already formed, with palm trees and ukulele background } music.]] } } Marc: Wow. Is that VRML? } } Bill: No, it must be my proprietary extensions to Java. } } Oracle: No. Now, I shall populate it. } } [[Several attractive women of various shapes, sizes, and skin and hair } tones walk out from behind a large palm tree. Marc and Bill look at } each other, their aggression pheromones rising.]] } } Marc: But there's no way you're getting me to live there. } } Bill: Me neither. } } Oracle: Oh, of course, how could I forget? } } [[A cluster of various kinds of desktop computers, from Pentium Pro } systems running Windows NT, to NeXT cubes, to Sun workstations, to } BeBoxen materializes on a table on the beach. A 100baseT drop box } sprouts from a palm tree, and a twisted-pair cable snakes over from the } computer cluster to insert itself in the network outlet.]] } } Bill: Ah, much better. Can I smash the NeXT cube? } } Marc: Hey, don't do that. Just because your software isn't } compatible... } } Bill: [whining] Oh, all right... Now what, Orrie? } } Oracle: Bill, you don't get to call me "Orrie." } } [[The Oracle takes out a large metal safe with a slot in the top.]] } } Oracle: Now, I believe in the capitalist system. Whoever offers me the } most money for the island gets to live there forever, never aging. } } Marc: That's no fair! Bill is the richest man in the world! } } [[Bill snickers and grins and pulls out a large checkbook. Marc shrugs } and follows suit. Both scribble out checks and drop them in the } safe.]] } } Oracle: And now we'll see who gets the island... } } [[The Oracle opens the safe and removes the checks.]] } } Oracle: Marc bid a million dollars. Bill bid ten million. Bill gets } the island. } } [[Bill disappears from the air and appears on the island below.]] } } Bill: Ha! I win! } } [[The Oracle and Marc disappear, and rematerialize in the Oracular } Temple.]] } } Marc: But Mr. Oracle, sir, you didn't give me a fair chance! } } Oracle: I don't think you wanted it. Watch. } } [[A terminal screen flickers to life and shows Bill sitting at the } Windows NT machine, being given a massage by seven of the women. He } presses a few keys, and the computer emits a foul sound. A window } appears...]] } } Computer: That domain is not accessible. You may use only systems in } the domain msn.com. } } Bill: Aargh! Any of you ladies know how to crack systems? } } [[The terminal screen fades. The Oracle reaches over to his shiny new } Power Mac and ejects a Jaz disk. He writes "Bill Gates" on the label } and files it away on a shelf.]] } } Oracle: Ah, the world is safe again. Time for a Guinness. Marc, you } owe me a mention in an Easter egg in the next version of Netscape. } } Marc: Aw, sure. --- 891-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > I seek help on one of lifes most thorniest of problems. > > It seems that I have fallen out of love with my Boyfriend, > and haven't the heart to write the Dear John Letter I should. > You see He is Canadian and of a tender heart. Anything i say to him > will crush him. > > Can you help me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ORACLE INDUSTRIES } Form Letter FLDJFOAD-302-A } (Please use this number when re-ordering) } } Instructions: Please fill in the blanks as necessary. Submit three } signed and dated copies to Oracle Industries along with your payment } of $175. Your request will be processed in 6 to 8 weeks and you will } be notified of the outcome (unless the third party decides to take } some form of action including but not limited to late night phone } calls, stalking, emotional black mail in which case you should contact } our legal consulting services. ORACLE INDUSTRIES PROVIDES THIS LETTER } "AS IS" AND WITHOUT ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, } WITHOUT LIMITATION, THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY AND } FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE. } } 1) Chose one and fill in as necessary: } ( ) Dear _________ } ( ) ______ you rotten bastard } } 2) Chose all that applies } I am breaking up with you } ( ) for reasons I don't feel like discussing } ( ) because you are: } ( ) a total bastard and manipulate people } ( ) a spineless fool and are manipulated } ( ) not good in bed } ( ) broke } ( ) dull } ( ) highly annoying } ( ) Canadian } ( ) other _________________________ } ( ) I also would like you to know that: } ( ) it's not you it's me } ( ) I hope you can forgive me } ( ) I'll never forgive you } ( ) it's because you're Canadian } ( ) it's because I am Canadian } ( ) we weren't meant for each other } ( ) Because of you I'm changing my sexual } orientation and } ( ) becoming gay/lesbian } ( ) becoming straight } ( ) having my genitals removed } ( ) other ___________________________ } ( ) we can always be friends } ( ) I faked each and every one of my orgasms } ( ) I maintained one or more (number: ____) other } relationship(s) while we were together } ( ) I hate your } ( ) cat } ( ) dog } ( ) parents } ( ) guts } ( ) other ___________________________ } ( ) I will not be returning your gifts because } ( ) I sold them } ( ) I couldn't sell that junk so I threw them away } ( ) my new (boy)/(girl) friend likes them } ( ) just to spite you } ( ) other ___________________________ } ( ) yours is/are the smallest/shortest } ( ) penis } ( ) breasts } ( ) car } ( ) apartment } ( ) brain } ( ) bank account } ( ) other ___________________________ } I have seen, and believe me I have seen many } ( ) yours is/are the biggest/longest } ( ) mouth } ( ) butt } ( ) hair } ( ) ego } ( ) nostrils } ( ) feet } ( ) criminal record } ( ) other ___________________________ } I have seen, and believe me I have seen many } ( ) Even though we broke up, I hope you will } ( ) provide emotional support for me in my turbulent } love life and listen to stories about my } significant other till 3am } ( ) lend me money } ( ) have sex with me on ocassion } ( ) come to Canada with me to meet my parents so } they stop bugging me about getting married. } ( ) not spread rumors about me or my ___________ } ( ) continue the treatment } ( ) stop pretending we're together } ( ) other ___________________________ } ( ) In closing, } ( ) I'm sure you'll make out ok! } ( ) I'll see you around } ( ) I'll see you next time I'm in Canada } ( ) I'll see you in court } ( ) I'll see you in hell } } Breaker-up Brakee } } Signed ______________________ Signed ______________________ } Date: ______________________ Date: ______________________ } } Witneses (if required) Witneses (if required) } } Signed ______________________ Signed ______________________ } Date: ______________________ Date: ______________________ } } DO NOT WRITE BELOW THIS LINE } ---------------------------------------------------------- } } Recommended action for: [ ] Brakee [ ] Braker-up [ ] Both } [ ] No action [ ] Mild Harassment [ ] Severe Harassment } [ ] Hit man [ ] A Date with Oracle [ ] A Date with Lisa } [ ] Other ___________________________ } } Not Processed because: } [ ] Fee missing [ ] One of the parties killed the other } [ ] Reconciled during the 6-8 week period } [ ] Other ___________________________ --- 891-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most powerful, I'm in a quandry: > > Should I, or shouldn't I? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "All signs point to Yes" } } (This job is SO much easier since I got this Magic 8 Ball). } } You owe the Oracle some more blue fluid-- this thing is starting to } leak. --- 891-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle , > > Is the meaning of life 42 or is it the recently announced 103, And why. > Thanks. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They're both correct, really. } } The meaning of life was originally 42, a value which remained } accurate through the early 1960's. However, as the complexity } of life continued to grow it became increasingly difficult to } ensure backward-compatibility. Enhanced technology-connectivity and } other upgrades to handle changes to fundamental values required the } meaning to be revised to 103. Unfortunately, this resulted in severe } incompatibilities with earlier versions, as evidenced in today's } nearly-unbridgeable generation gap. } } And you thought you were the only one who couldn't relate to Generation } X-ers. } } You owe the Oracle, like, whatever. --- 891-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise,(insert gratuitos grovel here), (insert > lame supplicant question here), (insert thank you here). And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh supplicant so lazy, (insert wise-a$$ answer here). } (insert well planned and crafted answer here). (insert inside joke } here). (insert future supplications up *there*). --- 891-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and mighty Oracle, > > I am having trouble with my Spanish homework. Could you please help > me translate the following: > > Isabel no me creyo. Las chicas no oyeron el telefono! Me interesa su > modo de pensar. Por que Luis y Ana hablaban cuando Juan y Laura > salieron? > > Mis primos y yo fuimos a un estudio donde estaban filmando una > pelicula. Voy a hacer el papel del enamorado. No, no he hablado con el > detective! > > Tan chiquito y frente al televisor ya razona lo mismo que la gente > grande! > > Aqui vienen los bomberos! > > Thanks for your time. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } *Sigh* If I must... } } > Isabel no me creyo. } } Isabel is not my crayon. } } > Las chicas no oyeron el telefono! } } The chickens don't order on the telephone. } } > Me interesa su modo de pensar. } } I'm interested in where the pens are. } } > Por que Luis y Ana hablaban cuando Juan y Laura salieron? } } Porky Luis and Ana wanna know why Juan and Laura have a sailor on? } } > Mis primos y yo fuimos a un estudio donde estaban filmando una } > pelicula. } } Miss Primos and your fumes in a studio don't stab a film of a pelican. } } > Voy a hacer el papel del enamorado. } } Why is she in love with that Pope? } } > No, no he hablado con el detective! } } No, no! He's a detective! } } >> Tan chiquito y frente al televisor ya razona lo mismo que la gente } >> grande! } } Tan bananas in front of the television your raisins loaned miss the big } man! } } >> Aqui vienen los bomberos! } } Wet wieners lost bombers! } } >> Thanks for your time. } } Muchas gracias. } } You owe the Oracle a better Spanish-English dictionary. --- 891-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, whose sanity could never be doubted: > > How far must a man walk to be declared mad? Is 30 miles enough, or is > 55 nearer the mark? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'd say 65 in most states, though out west it's closer to 75, and in } Montana you can go as far as you want and still stay sane, at least } during the daytime. Ditto in Germany. } } You owe the Oracle a psychically attuned radar gun. --- 891-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh spiffy one > > Please tell me what the heck is going on here? > > Thanks! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sure thing. } } For starters, you've got the air hose on the wrong nozzle, you're using } an albino ferret rather than a sable, and the box is made out of HDPE } plastic rather than LDPE. } } Once you've got that all sorted out, I'd recommend cleaning the walls } before you try it again. } } You owe the Oracle a ream of Day-Glo orange paper, a clear plastic } kazoo, and an eggplant. --- 891-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, tell me like it is. Why is it that salesmen > roll so fast and quarky? > > I have to know. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Fortunately, for dealing with such questions, the Oracle is in } possession of an ORACLE-ANSWER-GENERATOR: } } ---ORACLE-ANSWER-GENERATOR-------------------------------------------- } } Column 1: - the put-down } --------- } 1) Dear naive and vicious little supplicant, } 2) Poor pathetic supplicant, } 3) Supplicant of whom the Oracle has seen and known enough and with } whom I am losing patience, } 4) Poetically challenged supplicant, } 5) Supper, } 6) Yo, } 7) Obsequious supplicant, } 8) Impertinent subcreature, } } Column 2 - appraise the question } -------- } 1) your question is indeed a humble one: } 2) I shall placate your needs: } 3) the answer to your question is: } 4) I have listened to your inquiry: } 5) this is what's up with that: } 6) this is how it is: } 7) I will bless you by responding to your blather: } 8) your request is indeed unworthy: } } Column 3 Column 4 } -------- -------- } 1) Turtles eat 1) in pressurized underwater lounges } 2) Box carts roll 2) so fast } 3) You need 3) to be zotted repeatedly } 4) Because quarks are 4) both strange and charming } 5) Just 5) one } 6) Houses of Boobaloo are 6) in the low western sky } 7) What the heck is 7) up with all these questions } 8) Woodland creatures are 8) so funny to brainless supplicants } } Column 5 Column 6 } -------- -------- } 1) so in fact 1) they don't really eat in an airless } environment. } 2) downhill because 2) gravity acts on them. } 3) so 3) your head will pop out of your fanny. } ZOT! ZOT! ZOT! } 4) at the same time, 4) they seem that way. } 5) but 5) it takes a very LARGE lightbulb. } 6) when 6) the Moon obscures Venus. } 7) where the supplicant says 7) what's up with that? } 8) because 8) they have similar brain-capacities. } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } } The answer to your question is: } } Supper, your question is indeed a humble one: Because quarks are both } strange and charming but they have similar brain capacities. } } You owe the Oracle a YOU-OWE generator.