From oracle-request Thu Mar 20 10:46:42 1997 Received: by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.4/IUCS.1.75) id KAA23583; Thu, 20 Mar 1997 10:46:42 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 20 Mar 1997 10:46:42 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199703201546.KAA23583@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: sunos.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #893 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 893 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #893 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 20 Mar 1997 10:46:42 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 893 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 888 124 votes 2pGBi 3gJzp 7emDG 9DEu6 ipOid 8ixEp oBxn7 hGrrb jIDf7 akFwl 888 3.1 mean 3.4 3.5 3.8 2.9 2.9 3.5 2.6 2.8 2.6 3.3 --- 893-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Mighty Oracle, bearer of pretty gosh darn good wisdom, I humbly > beseech you........please tell me > .....What gives with the Mentos? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, no, not another infestation! I _told_ you not to feed the Tic-Tacs } after midnight, but you didn't listen, did you? } } You owe the Oracle a blender, a microwave and a copy of 'Snow White". --- 893-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What are the eleven secret Microsoft letters between `j' and `k' that > Gates is planning to introduce on the Microsoft Unnatural Quay Bored > v. 2.01? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } While propriatary agreements prevent the oracle from disclosing the } appearance of the eleven letters, we may disclose their names and } pronunciations: } 1. pleh (pronounced as a small belch) } 2. unggh (an aspirated hiss) } 3. vretch (a vr sound as in vroom) } 4. wonderment (pronounced microsoft) } 5. ague (silent) } 6. eeeeel (a high pitched wail) } 7. veltek (a brief throat clearing) } 8. mine (may only be pronounced by Gates) } 9. clavin (pronounced sktkr) } 10. gabruk (an elongated throat clearing) } 11. v1.1 (usually pronounced like v, occasionally unpronouncable) --- 893-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, who doesn't need to rely on artificial memory, > > How can you tell if your RAM is bad? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It doesn't remember ewe. } } you owe the Oracle a new diagnostic disk. --- 893-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Rich McGee" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oracle most wise, for whom the mysteries of space are but chicken > fodder, I am confused. > > I'm still not sure what's going to happen when the moon is in the > second house and jupiter aligns with mars. Could you clarify? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } When the moon is in the second house, he will take only small } valuable items such as jewellery. This is because the van is } almost full with the widescreen TV, VCR and Stereo from the } first house. } } When Jupiter aligns with Mars, we will see a leveraged buy-out } of Saturn with corresponding stock fluctuations. Buy now. } } You owe the Oracle 51% of Uranus and a moon alarm. --- 893-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do they jam so many pickles into the jar so you have no choice but > to get soaked with pickle juice while tyring to get them out? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's see now, in addition to the IRS and the Kwik-E Motel bill, I have } this... What is this? - oh, let's see - Hmm, this one's been } sitting here for a while... (blows the dust off) ...Ah yes, from a } Mister Lindburgh; wonder if he ever found that kid of his? ...(shuffle } shuffle) Well, crud. I can't seem to find that note from the pickle } company... Oh, here it is!... no, it's an endorsement request for Lisa } from the Dura-Lube company... What would they want with her? } ...(shuffle shuffle shuffle) Nope, not here. Okay, then where'd I } leave that jar of Vlasics... Ah! } } By gum, they ARE rather packed in there now, aren't they? Let's just } have a look at the label here... Serving Size 1 ounce (about 1 } pickle... imagine that... ), Servings Per Container Usually 13... what } do they mean Usually? Ingredients: cucumbers, water, distilled } vinegar, salt, dehydrated garlic, calcium chloride, polysorbate 80, } natural flavors (really?) and yellow 5. Nope, nothing there... } } (Suddenly a light switches on; a dim one, to be sure, but a light } nevertheless!) } } Supplicant... Yes, you. } It's a simple marketing strategy, you foolish human (now THERE'S a } redundant phrase!) If they sprang for a larger jar they'd not only pay } more for jars, they'd take up more shelf space to sell the same amount } of product. As for soaking your fingers, USE A FORK, YOU %&@!# HOMO } SAPIENS!! <{crash}> Damn.. } } You owe the Oracle a new jar of pickles. } } Now where'd I leave that towel... --- 893-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh strong looking Oracle, he whose nostrils I am unworthy to gaze into > and whose hair I am unworthy to pick through for fleas, whose thighs > are stronger than a legion of warriors, and whose taller than a statue > please answer my question. > Why exactly do all Oracles require people to grovel? > > --------------------------------------------------------- > Get Your *Web-Based* Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com > --------------------------------------------------------- And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "WHEN WILL THEY EVER LEARN?" } } (a play in one act) } } SCENE: HOTMAIL, INC., a fully-owned subsidiary of ORACUCO INDUSTRIES. } JOHN, the foreman, is with JACK, a minor executive. VARIOUS } WORKERS hustle back-and-forth. Suddenly, a crisis occurs } (but then again, that's the nature of crises). } } JOHN: Dammit, we're losing power! } } JACK: What? Again? How do they expect us to keep these Sparcservers } on line without electricity? How are we to offer free e-mail } if we have to pay for electricity?!? } } WORKER: Central office on the line, sir! They want to know what's } with the slow-down. } } JOHN: Can't those jerks tell? Our Egion generator's down to 30% } power... } } JACK: What did it? A malicious rumor? A gaffe on the Great One's } part? Kinzler threatening to change the name again to the } Microsoft Network Oracle? } } JOHN: No, looks like attrition from lack of grovels. } } JACK: Dammit, won't those fools ever learn? The Oracle's ego } supplies power for systems around the world! Our entire setup } here will fail! People will have to start PAYING for e-mail } services! } } VARIOUS WORKERS: (Shocked gasps) } } JOHN: (panicking) You, and you! Go tell him how white--no, } bright!--his toga is. You, go tell him that you'd be unworthy } to floss with his nasal hair! Do it, do it, do it! } } JACK: (as lights fade) I just hope we're not too late... } } FIN --- 893-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great and cunning Oracle, whose radiance I am not fit to bask in > (even with SPF 25), > > I think I can get away with the birthing stirrups, the latex gloves > and the scalpels, but any decent excuse is going to have to account > for the goat, the pentacle, the handcuffs and the stereo blasting > out "Louie, Louie" (the Iggy Pop version). > > Any suggestions? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } And in response, thus spake the Oracle, } } Humble supplicant, who should try a blanket (SPF 2000), the decent } excuse is...Music Video. Modern videos not only include, but require } extraneous objects that are both completely unexpected and completely } useless. That is, APPEARANTLY completely useless. They, of course, } are necessary for setting the mood. } However, you have one thing that must be changed. The song. } Completely tasteless. It is guaranteed to cause major complications } in everything. } I (of course) have the perfect solution to your problem. } } Orrie, Orrie } ---------------- } Chorus: } Orrie, Orrie, oh oh } We gotta know. } } Verse 1: } You are so great, and that we know } Your answers do your intellect show } Your mind is sharp and wit is keen } You're the smartest guy I've ever seen } } Verse 2: } Do your answers come from within? } Will you help me on my path of sin? } I want to use my goat and cuffs } But my partner is a total fluff. } } Verse 3: } Your wisdom has helped me along } And now I can stop singing this song } You know, you're bad, and that's a fact } And my next question will have more tact. } } You owe the Oracle two more verses and a copy of the video. --- 893-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > > Do I have to? > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, as I'm sure you heard by now, the only two things you have to do } are pay taxes and die. I'm not in charge of collecting taxes, so... } } [Picking up the staff of *ZOT*] } } No, supplicant, this is too easy... } } [Putting down the staff of *ZOT*] } } Greetings. The United States Department of the Treasury, Internal } Revenue Service requires your presence at an audit to be held in honor } of your 1995 Federal Income Tax Return (Form 1040). Report to the IRS } Western District office in Ogden, Utah at 8:00 AM on March 31, 1997. } Please bring with you all records relevant to your claims for } deductions for donations to the charitable organization "Internet } Oracle." We are especially interested in knowing how you arrived at } the estimated value of the roasted woodchucks. Also make sure you } bring your copy of the ownership transfer papers for the fifth moon of } Jupiter. } } [smiling] } } You owe the Oracle nothing. Just watching will be enough. --- 893-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Forbes The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If the door on a refrigerator, in the middle of a forest, were to open > and there was no-one there to see it, would the light come on? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. It's not plugged in. --- 893-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Pray tell me, O grand Oracle, whose infinite wisdom shoots tachyon > beams where no one knows your name, whose ears have intricate warp > coils to accelerate your brain beyond any theoretical limit, the > answer to my confusion. > > I am reading a book about Isaac Asimov, where he stated (as quoted > by his brother Stanley) that although 'Star Trek' was his wife's > favorite TV show, his own was none other than 'Cheers'! > > 'Cheers' is a good show, in my opinion, but *better than Star Trek*? > > I am as sure about Asimov's omniscience as I am of yours, but I am > at a loss. > > Pray tell me, Oracle, how is 'Cheers' better than 'Star Trek'? > > -Desperate Trekkie looking at Sam Malone pulling out the 'babe kit'- And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lets compare the two and see if we can't get to the bottom of } this. } } Stereotype | Cheers | Star Trek } -------------------+------------------+--------------- } Old but wise leader| Coach | Picard } | | } Hormone-crazed | Sam | Riker } Lothario | | } | | } Unattainable Babe | Rebecca | Deanna Troi } | | } Unmarried Mother | Carla | Dr Crusher } | | } Eternal Innocent | Woody | Wesley } | | } Fact-filled Bore | Cliff | Data } | | } Obligatory person | Norm | Geordi } with disability | | } | | } Smart guy who | Dr Crane | Chief O'Brien } later appears in | | } spinoff series | | } | | } Beverage of Choice | Beer | Synthahol } } Aha! There we have it! } } The good doctor obviously prefers real beer to a } synthetic substitute. } } You owe the Oracle a Mint Copy of "Foundation and Budweiser".