From oracle-request Mon May 12 08:55:40 1997 Received: by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.5/IUCS.1.75) id IAA13963; Mon, 12 May 1997 08:55:40 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 12 May 1997 08:55:40 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199705121355.IAA13963@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: sunos.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #905 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 905 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #905 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Mon, 12 May 1997 08:55:40 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 905 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 900 98 votes apmva 9zCa6 58fwC 4tzp5 6bost ddpno 5oOd6 5gHu4 5roqg 9cnrr 900 3.2 mean 3.1 2.7 3.9 3.0 3.6 3.3 2.9 3.1 3.2 3.5 --- 905-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the capital of Indiana? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } For large exchanges: David Letterman's ego } For small change: David Letterman's ratings. } } You owe the Oracle a Stock Index based on the witty banter of Andy } Richter, Paul Shaefer and Kevin Eubanks. --- 905-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: noe@platsol.com (Dr. Noe) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Moe, I fear, will get in here. > Ray, His thug already tried. > Me, I fear, for myself. > Far Away I wish I was. > Slow I am to pay my debt. > Lots Of money do I owe. > Thee, For help I humbly beg. > > So how do I pay back Moe? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Numbers and rackets and kidnapping babies, } Drug deals and fencing and pimping street ladies, } Fleecing the fools with extragavant stings, } These are a few of Moe's favourite things. } } Ray runs protection and takes a percentage, } Takes a bit more and invests in fine vintage, } Find his accounts and a nark who will sing, } Take them to Moe and explain the whole thing. } } When he hears this; and checks Ray's books; } And finds out it's truuuuue... } Ray ends up swimming in big concrete boots, } And Moe ends up OOOOOOwing you! } } You owe the Oracle an edition of "America's Most Wanted" } exposing the Von Trapp Family. --- 905-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O master, familiar with the consequences of nasty crashes, tell me why > people use Micro$oft products? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because Microsoft(tm) makes high quality products for home and office! } Where do you want to go today? } } You owe the Oracle stock options. } } % mail billg@microsoft.com } Subject: Got another heretic here } } Hello again, } } got another supplicant here who seems to know too much about your } products. You'd better whack him before he gets the word out. Give } him an offer he can't refuse. } } I'll expect my usual commission. } } - TIO } send? y } % } Whoops, is this thing still on? --- 905-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > * And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } SUPPLICANT: * } } ORACLE: ?! } } S: '?!'? } } O: '*' -> '?!' !! } } S: ...? } } O: '...?'? (!!!) } } S: :) } } O: !!! } } S: :( } } O: ':('!? } } S: ? } } O: ! } } S: '!'? } } O: *ZOT* } } S: (sizzle) } } You owe the Oracle a telegram for Victor Hugo. --- 905-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Send me information about new grange groups. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hello! } } Thank you for your interest in Grange Groups! } } We here at GrangeGroupCo are pleased to organize and present to you on a } weekly basis all the wonderful and marvelous advantages that our fine } Grange product can provide for you! You'll be amazed! Your friends will } admire you! Passersby on the street will instantly recognize you as an } intelligent, motivated person who has a good head on their shoulders! } Your mom will make your favorite food for dinner! Dad will hold his head } a little higher knowing that his offspring has the good sense to } participate in Grange Groups! } } But what exactly can Grange Groups do for you? Here are just a few of } the many advantages you'll reap from being fully 'Granged': } } - 10% discount at all feed and grain stores nationwide! } } - Free factory tours of the place where they make that red jelly filling } for jelly donuts! } } - Full use of the Jacuzzi (except on our one holiday 'Grange-nojacuzzi } Day') } } - 200 thread count Percale sheets! } } - Ability to store many months worth of old Sunday papers in your Magic } Bag! } } - Your choice of gift: Vegematic or 'Flow-bee' Haircutting system! } } - Unlimited supply of Grange's "Special Hygenic Cream" } } - You'll be one of a select few who'll know the secret ingredient found } in both 'Apple Jacks' and Avon's "Skin So Soft" } } - Accordion lessons! } } - Mac and cheese, Mac and cheese, Mac and cheese!!!! } } But time is limited! The Grange Groups can't just sit around waiting for } you all day! Get a move on! Go to your local Grange Groups affiliate in } your hometown (located next to 'Spatula City - For all your flippin' } needs!') } } Tax and title not included. Must accept Group upon down-payment. State } and federal taxes are the responsibility of applicant. Post no bills. } Fair to middlin'. Move it or lose it. Never fall in love with Penguins, } they only love fish. Life is full of choices - I'll have the soup. Don't } put your lips on that. A half-eaten Zebra or a newspaper. Spaghetti is } not an effective dentrifice. Open slowly, lest something fall from a } high shelf and land on your toes-ies. Never chew aluminum foil. Hail a } taxi and say 'Just browsing, thanks.' Not responsible for lost or } missing pieces. Sarah McLachlan married Ashe and broke my heart. Two } wrongs don't make a right, so turn left instead. Not for tournament } play. Manager does not have keys to safe. Taco sauce only available upon } request. } } You owe the Oracle a viable reason for the Seagate Hard Drive 'Stiction' } problem and two jelly...hmm.. make that glazed donuts. } } ________________________ } The Oracle, as incarnated by } Gary.Jeleniewski@cbis.com } 'For all your goofy answer needs!! --- 905-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle who knows how many holes are in swiss cheese, and knows the > phone number of Anna Nicole Smith's bustier designer.. > > What was up with that girl last night!? Wasn't that the weirdest blind > date I've ever gone on? SHe was a true bonehead. It's too bad too, she > was cute, and had nice hoo.. ligans.. > > So what's next in my realm of dating possibilities?? > > Thanks O. > > P.S. Extra Credit: Any idea what will happen to me and Margy, she is a > total babe and said she likes me, she even called last night.. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [The year is 2002. At the Our Sister Of Serenity Home For The } Bewildered, a radiant, omniscient figure sits in a barren corner of a } padded cell. Twitching and swatting at himself, he bawls softly to } himself, "Woodchucks, woodchucks, woodchucks..." } } Meanwhile, at a workstation in an ivory tower in Bloomington, IN, } sits Lisa, trying valiantly to manage the deluge of incoming } questions, so as to keep the news of the Internet Oracle's misfortune } from the public. } } Zadoc drags an enormous mail bag into the room, tugging at it with } both hands.] } } Zadoc: Well, we're up to May, 1997. See, we're making a little } progress. } } Lisa: *sigh* It's hopeless, though. The questions are coming in } faster than we can answer them. } } Zadoc: But what choice do we have? You know he could zot us even } from this far away -- the nurses are scared to death of him. } } Lisa: I know, I know. Read the next question. } } Zadoc: [opens envelope] Hmm, blah blah blah. It's a question about } Ellen Degeneres coming out. } } Lisa: Ellen who? *shakes head* How can I answer a question about } people I don't even know? *I'm* not omniscient. Hmm, let's } see... "Dear Supplicant, Shortly after Ellen came out, it } started raining, so she went back in. You owe the Oracle a } peach." *sigh* I just don't have the knack for this, but } let's keep going. Next question. } } Zadoc: Hmm, this guy met a stacked bonehead at a party. Wants to } know who's next. } } Lisa: Gosh, where *do* they come up with these? Sheesh, here } goes. "Dear Supplicant, Sorry to hear about..." } } Wait! That e-mail address -- I know him. He was a total } dork, drank cheap beer and wore mismatched socks. } } Zadoc: Well, maybe that's why he had to settle for a blind date. } } Lisa: Hold on a goddamned minute, that was ME he was talking about. } He thinks I'm a bonehead? Where's that zot staff? } } Zadoc: Wait, Lisa, you don't know what you're doing with that! } } Lisa: "Dear Supplicant. Bonehead, eh? ..." } } [Shortly afterwards, a fire breaks out in the tower. The rest of } the May, 1997 questions were destroyed in the blaze and were never } answered. Although Zadoc and Lisa were quick to pick up with the } June, 1997 questions, an inquiry soon followed, and by 2003, the } American public had learned of the tragic demise of the Internet } Oracle.] --- 905-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most expedient, please apprize me: > > When as deemeth thou an equitable time to dismiss the outmoded > "And in response, thus spake the Oracle:" > in favor of the more prevalent > "And in response, thus spoke the Oracle:" ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Graunt mercie! Wodst disclaunderen mee, varlet? Douteles ye trow } it noucht but yow ycomen here and schewyd me how yit sholde bee } doon! Stap me vitals, but everich bodie be in manere of an critycke } theese deyes! } } Ye han seyd merethan ynough, ywis! This I bihoten yew withouten } faille, coxcomb - I wold be trewe oracel nicht wer I to permytte } soch corsednesse tew pass unpunycened. Ney, thys disdeinous mortle } shal not ysceipe beynge smytten al to gobbets! } } > > ZOTTE < < } } Certes, I heve been at thys geyme tew long - methynks I bee turnynge } into David Sewylle. --- 905-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ORRIE! Oh how my pathological scar desires to read poems through the > ruddied girth of your soul! > ORRIE! May you always be as vivid as your hallucinations. > ORRIE, you have broken my waters. Can I get you a new glass.... > > Oh darn... This isn't working. > Dearest omnipotent one, he who could debug all of microsofts work in > the blink of an eye. As you can see, I have been experimenting with the > Surreal Compliment Generator at > > http://pharmdec.wustl.edu/cgi-bin/jardin_scripts/SCG > > I'm sorry about the first 3 compliments, but I had to try it out... > > My question is however... > > One of the "compliments" that emerged from this web page was blasphmous > in the extreme... It went.... > > "Marmots will stick to you in Delaware." > > How far can this w**dchuck fetish that drives some people go? > And if I do go to delaware, will I be attacked by a pack of w**dchucks > as predicted in that message? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Delaware?" I mutter. And in she walks. So that's how it works, } thinks my muddled mind, and I try, "Dames, naked, lots of 'em." But } nothing happens. } } "What can I do for you, Delaware?" I say, but without the question } mark, just to make a point. } } "Hey, honey," she murmurs. "How's kicks?" } } Normally I ignore this sort of thing, but she is starting to fade away } into the colour blue. Maybe indigo. Damn, I think, this is the last } thing I need; ever since the chesterfield incident, the cops have been } watching this place. I think quickly and say, maybe a bit too loudly, } "Violet, I think I can help you after all. Here hold this glass of --" } } Damn. All that is left of her is an obscure buzzing noise. "The } sound of a bird dying?" I guess. Incorrectly, it turns out; I lose } 50 points. } } Still, this was the only client that had walked in the door all } day, so I take her case. } } To the zoo then, I play a hunch. Well, that and I don't have } airfare to the mid-west. I go to the bird cages. Suddenly, I spot } it. The falcon. Nope, it's real, and not at all covered with -- wait, } a minute: wrong case, wrong client. } } Maybe a quick nap. } } I wake up to the gnawing sounds of the marmot. On my other leg, } marmot mating noises. I immediately recognize these as the sound that } Delaware would become, if a Delaware could become -- no, that's } still wrong. But I am getting close. Really close. } } Delaware, I think. Marmots. } } At once, it comes flooding into my mind. Of course, I realize. } How obvious. Unfortunately, what with all the flooding, I melt } into the couch before I can stop the dastardly plot. } } The answer to your question, then: stay the hell out of Delaware. } And keep away from anything surreal. No good will come of it. As } Milton wrote, "that which purifies us/ is trial, and trial is by what } is contrary." } } You owe the Oracle the sound of one hand clapping. And, for that } matter, why IS a mouse when it spins? --- 905-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, Please tell me, Why is this day so long, and > yet its still morning? I've been here for only 2 hours, yet > it feels like 20. How can I make my day interesting? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm... it does seem as if it's been morning for a while. Let me find } out what's going on. } } (picks up phone) } } Oracle: Darla, get me Apollo on the phone right away. Darla? Darla! } Wake up! } } Darla: >yawn< Sorry, Oracle! It seems I've been at work for ages, and } I'm really tired. I hope I'm not coming down with something. } Apollo? But, he's up in the sky right now. } } Oracle: Yes, but he's started carrying a cell phone. Get him on the } line. } } Darla: >yawn< (dials phone) Mister Apollo, this is Darla Michaels } calling on behalf of the Usenet Oracle. Mr. Oracle would like to } speak with you. } } Apollo: wha..? } } Oracle: Apollo, it's me. What's going on? You've been up for dozens of } hours and the sundials still say it's only ten o'clock! } } Apollo: Um, uh... don't know. My head is killing me. Oh, man... } } Oracle: Oh, no, you didn't go and get drunk again, did you? I told you } many times, if you can't get up at six every morning, we can } find someone else to to your job. Zeus has been asking me to } reduce headcount lately. You want to be replaced by a temp?? } You know, a lot of places are going to monotheism these days, } and they have just one god doing your job and plenty others } too. } } Apollo: Uh, like, sorry. } } Oracle: You passed out up there, and now people down here have been at } work for twenty hours! If you're not up to the job, the least } you can do is call in sick-- we can get someone else up there } eventually, and people are a lot happier sleeping late than } they are going to work and having to wait twenty hours for a } coffee break! } } Apollo: So, uh, what do I do now? } } Oracle: You ride as fast as you can to the ground, and let people get } some sleep! } } Apollo: Um, the horses are pretty tired too. They can't go too fast. } Would it be OK if we just turned around and went down in the } east? That's faster. } } Oracle: Do you have any clue how confusing that would be? I think the } Brits would start driving on the right or something-- it would } be mayhem. No, you've really screwed up and I'll have to take } some drastic action here. (hangs up) } } <<<>>> } (suddenly, a bolt of lightning arcs across the sky, shoving the sun } up to noon and back to sunset within seconds. The Oracle goes to his } word processor and begins typing:) } } Dear Supplicant, } } Due to some technical difficulties, today was accidentally lengthened. } Although the problem has now been corrected, we are very sorry for } any inconvenience we may have caused. We realize that you have a choice } of many religions, and we thank you for choosing Olympism and hope you } will continue to do so in the future. } } Please accept our gift of an extra Saturday, redeemable any time this } month. } } Sincerely, } T. U. Oracle } Director of Public Relations } Delphi Branch, Olympus Inc. --- 905-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Forbes The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, whose self-help workshop is attended by celebrities > and politicians, whose 12 step program has helped Madonna become > a nurturer, whose book "It Takes a Newsgroup" has restored worldwide > respect upon the value of Usenet, whose educational videos are > renowned by both evolution theorists and christian scientists, > and whose line of sneakers are produced by well-paid employees > and are far superior to the competition's... > > Would you share your motivational techniques with me, please? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. Motivation is fine but competition is for the birds. } } You owe the Oracle a Monopoly Board equipped with weighted dice.