From oracle-request Sat Jun 14 00:10:31 1997 Received: by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.5/IUCS.1.77) id AAA24109; Sat, 14 Jun 1997 00:10:31 -0500 (EST) Date: Sat, 14 Jun 1997 00:10:31 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199706140510.AAA24109@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: sunos.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #912 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 912 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #912 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sat, 14 Jun 1997 00:10:31 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 912 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 907 105 votes 57hJv hsCj3 9pBnb artu9 4lwoo 5lJoa cnBp8 6tClb 9ptx9 4bnsD 907 3.2 mean 3.9 2.6 3.0 3.0 3.4 3.1 2.9 3.0 3.1 3.8 --- 912-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > emu > ratite > ostrich And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hey, I know this code! To crack it, first I have to break the block of } letters down into individual words. } } e m u } r at it e } os t ri ch } } Now comes the interesting part - figuring out what the words mean. } This is where a working knowledge of Tarot cards comes in handy. } } Eros - This is easy. It's a question about love. An ever-popular } topic. } } Matt - Oho! So Matt is the fellow you're in love with. } } Uri - What's this? You're in love with two guys? Well don't feel bad. } It's actually happened to quite a few people in the past. Yes, there } can be difficulties, but generally not insurmountable. Is Uri Jewish, } by any chance? That could complicate matters. } } Itch - Uh oh. I don't like the way this question is heading. } } E - What on earth? You aren't Canadian, are you? Even if you were, } it's spelled "eh". } } Oh, wait a minute, I see. You left out an N. Trying to make my job } difficult, are you? Well I can see through your clumsy tricks, mortal. } The E goes along with the Uri and the N that you omitted. So now we } have: } } Eros } Matt } Urine } Itch } } Now I understand why you're writing in code - you didn't want to say it } out loud. Don't worry about it. A shot of penicillin ought to do the } trick. } } You owe Matt a phone call. But don't try the secret code business with } him. Men are really bad at taking hints, you know. --- 912-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > what the hell is this crap? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You there, what are you doing in that closet? I love it when you } supplicants avert your eyes when you approach my throne, but you've got } to watch out where you're going. Let's put the light on and see what } you've gotten yourself into. There. Jeez, what *is* this crap? Hmm, } Zorro cape and sword, Davy Crockett hat and ukelele, Dr. Memory's DEC } Internals, a case of Wildroot, 1953 street map of Syracuse, complete } set of 1963 Topps baseball cards, Stinking Desert National Monument } souvenir arrowhead, 1974 WABX wall calendar, Dr. Diag's Guide to } Classical Greek, Orr's Ocean Survival Manual, a World War II surplus } Army field oven, sheet music to "Malaguena" and "Climb Ev'ry Mountain," } the Time-Life Home Repair Library, a battery-operated pushover, two } cases of Space Food Sticks, a Sixth Finger, a registry of the Italian } population of Sausalito, a hydogen jukebox, a big bag of Acapulco Gold } and a postal scale, a leather-bound edition of "A La Recherche Des } Temps Perdu" . . . } } I haven't been in here in years. Can you believe I actually *asked* } for all this stuff? Well, I'm sure I had my reasons. I'm like a kid in } a candy store with you supplicants. I can ask for anything I want! I } tell you, it's even worse than watching QVC. } } You owe the Oracle a dumpster and a Superfund exemption. --- 912-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ..............Tell me oh Oracle of Oracles............... > tell me honestly........... is chocolate taking over my life ?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Humble Supplicant, } I can assure you that chocolate is not in } fact taking over your life . You are a well balanced individual and are perfectly capable of controlling your cravings for this highly } addictive substance. I'm sure your friends would let you know if your social life and grades } were } suffering from your } cravings. Rest easy, gentle supplicant, knowing } that you are right on track. } } You owe the oracle a box of } chocolates for Lisa. --- 912-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Immortal Oracle, whose wisdom shines brightly even on rainy days in > Seattle: > > Why are so many men attracted to bimbos and threatened by intelligent > and independent women? What are they afraid of? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 9-0 Supreme Court decisions. } } You owe the Oracle Paula Jones' hairspray. --- 912-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle of Oracles, whose DNA can only be reproduced by close contact > with Lisa: Where is Site B? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [The Oracle snaps his fingers. Supplicant and Oracle appear in 1B Olin } Library, Cornell University -- the Map Room. Library patrons stare in } amazement. Several of the fraternity brothers present decide that a } keg of beer wasn't enough. An engineer whips out his Powerbook } 3400/240 and begins taking notes. The hotelies present are too } engrossed in their copies of _Sports Illustrated_ -- and wondering why } it is so difficult to read -- to notice the event. The Oracle walks } over to the card catalogue, with the supplicant in tow.] } } OK -- this is a card catalogue. Have you ever used one? I didn't } think so. You need to put your hands on the keyboard and type -- like } this. } } [The Oracle noticed that the previous user left himself logged in on a } MUD.] } } } Connection closed by foreign host. } notis.library.cornell.edu } Enter search: } K=SITE B INGEN.AU. P.FMT. } INTERNATIONAL GENETICS (INGEN) } 1 INGEN CONFIDENTIAL RECORDS <1996> map } DISP 1 } LON } TITLE: InGen confidential records -- Maps. } } AUTHOR/NAME: International Genetics, Inc., } Cambridge, USA. } } PUBLISHED: InGen Press, Inc., Cambridge, 1996. } } DESCRIPTION: coll. map 100x100cm. } Scale 1:50,000. } } SUBJECTS: Dinosaur raising. } Genetic engineering. } Law of the Sea -- gross violations. } Mercenaries -- incompetency -- case } studies. Costa Rica -- maps. } International Genetics, Inc. (InGen). } Jurassic Park. } Site B. } Cinco Muertas, Las. } } NOTES: "Property of InGen -- Proprietary and } Confidential." } "Location of and plans for Jurassic } Park." "Includes Site B." } Includes index and location maps. } } -------------------------------------------------------- } } LOCATION: CALL NUMBER: STATUS: } Olin Library Maps G4861.I6 1996 X42 Not checked out } (Non-Circulating) } } I think that's our map. Don't you? [Supplicant meekly nods. Oracle } walks over to the G4800 row and pulls out the appropriate map, which he } unfolds.] } } Right there. On that "Isla Muerta" place. } } You owe the Oracle a scientific consultant -- he'd like to have one to } loan to Amblin. --- 912-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most blessed of Oracles, > > If bats are to belfries as beavers are to sheep, > then Pollen is to Dutchmen as Carp are to... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } (Enter, stage left, a tall and rather attractive woman with sunglasses } and curly black hair. She is dressed entirely in black leather and is } surrounded by vapid Baywatch-guy types doing a dance best described as } a combination between voguing and the Macarena. There is a powerful } disco/hiphop beat.) } } Michelle, the Oracular rebound girlfriend here. The answer is "heap". } } This may seem a bit strange, even random. But try and follow me. Don't } forget that minor deviations in early iterations cause messy situations } that put you off your medications. Now when you take a whack at an SAT } hack and get your friends in a muddle betwen betwixt and befuddle don't } get too mad cause it's not that bad but it is kind of sad that you fell } for this crap 'Cause I really can't rap. It may seem like a crime but } it's really about time I said I picked "heap" for the rhyme. } } You owe me a new catsuit, preferably something in nylon or fleece. } Orrie likes this leather one, but it's too hot... --- 912-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why is it that you beat me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } From: } Gary, Gary, Gary, remember our little agreement? After I caught you } with that tawdry little Powerbook on your lap? And how you said it } would never happen again? } } But no, Mr. "I am the World's Greatest Chessplayer Ever", you couldn't } keep a promise, could you? Just couldn't keep your grubby hands off } of strange trackballs, mice, keyboards, passed pawns. ... Why, it } almost made me sick when Deep Blue telnetted me, sobbing and } heartbroken, and told me you were muttering "floating point decimal } approximation" and "Y2K convert _this_!" under your breath. } } Why is it that I beat you? Because assimilation is too good for } you, Pawn-boy. Think about _that_ the next time you're sacrificing } a Rook for a cheap bottle of muscatel in a bus station somewhere. } } You owe the Oracle a tiddly-wink. --- 912-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: noe@lccsd.sd.platsol.com (Dr. Noe) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, please take no offense at the question I, > a humble supplicant, ask. I would not dream of poking fun > of the families who have suffered, but my hate is so great > for the one who has caused the suffering, that I must pose > this query: > > Mary had a little lamb, > her fleece was red, white, and blue. > If T. McVeigh gets the electric chair > will it be shown on Pay per view? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If he's ordered to be shot, } A firing squad is what you've got. } For watching this on TV, then } You should try ESPN. } } Another way is not so fast, } Gasps of gas will be his last. } So if you like your drama slow, } PBS is where you'll go. } } If, instead, he gets the chair, } High voltage will burn off his hair, } His feet will fry inside his socks, } And you should watch it all on Fox. } } A poison shot is now in vogue; } Dr. Jack could do the rogue. } It just might be Must See TV - } So, of course, that's NBC. } } If he's sentenced to be hung, } Expect the protests to be sung. } The cov'rage which will be most fun } Will be found on VH-1. } } A guillotine would sure be quick, } And watching it might make you sick. } But if it's not too big a mess, } It'll be on CBS. } } But the saddest end might be } If he's given life, you see, } 'Cause then you'll merely have to wish } For something good on sat'lite dish. } } You owe the Oracle a large popcorn and a box of Junior Mints. --- 912-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The flying monkey > Took my clothes up to his tree > and now I am free > > Why sit idly by? > Ants have more purpose than I > My soul is like wind > > Without clothes I'm lost > No shirt, no shoes, no service. > Must find that monkey. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That's a fine story. } Now step out of the car, please, } your hands in the air. } } Have you been drinking? } Whew! It sure smells like you have. } Pardon these handcuffs. } } Silence is your right. } Your words can and will haunt you. } The lawyer is free. } } That cameraman? } Oh, he is from that "Cops" show. } I hope you don't mind. --- 912-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it that my uudecode program does not do what I want it to do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because it does not like uu.