From oracle-request Sat Aug 16 00:10:35 1997 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.9) id AAA21614; Sat, 16 Aug 1997 00:10:35 -0500 (EST) Date: Sat, 16 Aug 1997 00:10:35 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199708160510.AAA21614@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #931 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 931 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #931 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sat, 16 Aug 1997 00:10:35 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 931 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 926 82 votes 9kgji bqvb3 5onka 6avpa idoed 39dts jkog3 2flqi 5cnse 7qxd3 926 3.1 mean 3.2 2.6 3.1 3.3 2.9 3.9 2.6 3.5 3.4 2.7 --- 931-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why does the telephone always wait to ring when you get in bath? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Immersing yourself in water completes a weak electrical circuit, } connecting the alien implant in your right buttock with the } government implant in your left buttock. The consequent magnetic } pulse this causes triggers the phone's ringing mechanism, as well } as draining the batteries in the remote control, blowing the } lightbulb above the dodgy stair, causing your watch to lose five } minutes and retuning your radio to Classic FM. } } Worrying as that may be, it's nowhere near the trouble that's } going to be caused the next time a policeman points a so-called } "radar gun" at you. The circuit causes the government implant } to erroneously record that you have been receiving satisfaction } of a personal nature from Ivan, an ex-member of the Russian } Olympic Shotputt Team and known spy. These records are read } by the "radar" gun and passed to MI6. } } Be afraid, be very afraid... } } You owe the Oracle a pair of underpants made of tin-foil. --- 931-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Forbes The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle dearest, cuter than cheese, > smarter than doughnuts and eager to please, > Answer my question, shortly to follow: > If a statue wasn't solid than would it be hollow? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O supplicant supple, with Limburger aire } There are more kinds of statues than you'd ever dare } with your mortal mind, to imagine (if you could), } There are statues of lava and grass and of wood. } Statues of water sculpted by mollosks } And statues of plasma by aliens near Pollux. } Though some are not solid, they're not as hollow, you'll find } as the average clueless supplicant's mind. } } You owe the Oracle a statue of himself in mile high pillars of fire. --- 931-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > g1ve me warez, d00dz!!!!!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's get things straight... } } First: I am not a d00d. You will address me as "O wise Oracle whos } knowledge is exceeded by nothing and no-one", not as "d00d". } } Second: I have no need for warez. Warez are for those supplicants who } haven't learned enough to grovel for their answers and have not } discovered how much wood woodchucks chuck on a particular day given the } time of day, temperature, relative humidity, time since the woodchuck } in question last ate, methane content of the woodchuck's lower } intestine, woodchuck's weight, woodchuck's maximum benchpress, fear } level of the woodchuck[1], vision of the woodchuck, and the height of } the woodchuck at the shoulder. } } [1] distance and amount of wood chucked increases dramatically when the } zoiks level is forty-two or greater. } } You owe the Oracle B1ff's head on a stick. --- 931-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise old Oracle, whither Punjabi micro-tigers? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why, back to their mommies, which are (of course) Punjabi } macro-tigers. } You owe the Oracle the Greatest Show on Earth. --- 931-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle you know more words than Webster. You know history better than > my high school history teacher. You've looked at more stars than Carl > Sagan. Your strength exceeds that of the snail I stepped on this > morning. Call upon thy knowledge. Use thy wit. Delve into the depths > of thy wisdom. Tell me. Why does it seem like all the writing > programs (word processors etc.)use an icon of a fountain pen and never > a ball point pen? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because the artists who create those icons live in caves in the } Himalayas. They don't know that a ballpoint pen looks like. They've } never seen a ballpoint pen. They don't have a model--you might say } that they don't have the balls to do it differently. } You owe the Oracle the scary disembodied head of Jerry Lewis. --- 931-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Was the conflict between Britain and Argentina in the 1980s > orchestrated by the Ministry of Silly Wars? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Despite your complete lack of grovelling before my great and mighty } presence (you lowly, gnat's dropping of a pathetically poor excuse for } a sub-normal supplicant) I deign to answer your surprisingly } intelligent (considering the source. PAH!) question and not to ZOT you } with my Staff of Zot. (for now). Show more respect next time. } } The answer to your question (you malodourous excrement of a dung } beetle) is "No". } } The Falklands conflict (even the British know it was too pathetic to be } called a "war") was started by the British Ministry of Food and } Agriculture attempting to remove all the sheep from the Falkland } Islands and replace them with all the cattle they had accidentally } infected with BSE, with a view to exporting them all to Argentina in } pre-emptive retaliation for Diego Maradona's infamous "Hand Of God" } trick during a soccer game between the two countries some months later, } which they were warned of in advance by the well-known British psychic } "Mystic Meg". The Argentines got wind of this and decided to foil } their plans by invading the Falklands and re-naming them the "Maldives" } in the hope that this would confuse the British into sending their } infected cattle to a holiday resort in the Indian ocean. When this plan } backfired, and the British unexpectedly launched a full-scale military } strike against the CORRECT group of islands, the Argentines panicked } and decided to thwart the British plans by blowing up all the sheep } with land mines. This only angered the animal-loving British who blew } up the Argentines with precision bombing. The British knew that the } Argentines posed little threat, since they had bought their weapons } from the French, so when the Argentines actually sank one of their } ships (with a FRENCH missile!?!?!?!?!?!) they did some investigating, } and discovered that the French had long ago discovered that Britain and } Argentina would be going to war(thanks to Uri Geller, a well-known } foreign psychic), just in time to call in a German expert to build them } a missile that actually worked, which they then sold to Argentina. In } retaliation, the British torpedoed the Argentine navy's only working } boat, and the French had to start blowing up south Pacific islands with } thermonuclear weapons in order to deter the British from attacking them } next. The Germans escaped military retribution by claiming (once again) } that they were only following orders in the hope that it ought to work } this time. It only partially succeded, and the British sent in a } bulldozer to knock down their wall. The British won the Falklands } Conflict, but the Argentines left so many land mines behind, that after } all the sheep had been blown up (leaving rather messy, though soft and } warm wool-lined craters behind) there wasn't enough level ground for } the mad cows to wander around in circles and fall over on, so they sold } the infected cattle to McDonalds, who by a staggering coincidence, now } own several cattle ranches in Argentina. Beaten, but unbowed, Argentina } now plans to start small and work their way up. Their next target is } Iraq. } } You owe the Oracle a McChicken burger, a Harrier jump-jet, and a wooly } cardigan. --- 931-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh splendiforous Oracle... > > Where do circus kids run away to? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Most become merchant bankers. One or two - the children of } contortionists - go into politics. --- 931-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ,{^O^A n ?_+_^T? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Wow. This is a pretty complicated smiley. Let's see what } we have here... } } ,{ The one-eyed man with a moustache... } } ^O^A standing on two boxes... } } n balanced on a horse shoe... } } ? being thrown off a teeter totter by a large rock... } } _+_^T? lands with a broken neck (the + is the nose)... } } Hmm... } } I get it! It's one of Wiley E. Coyotes' schemes to catch the road } runner! } } Clever. } } You owe the Oracle a smiley of Foghorn Leghorn being dragged by } a chicken hawk. --- 931-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Heya Orrie, riddle me this: > > I work in the Accounting Department of a Major Insurance Firm (tm). > My cubicle has an eastern exposure. > The Auditing Department's cubicles all have a western exposure. > The Tax Department's cubicles have a northern exposure. > The employees' lounge (it's on my floor) has the southern exposure. > What is the pattern here? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What, thou ignorant mortal, knowest not that it is written (in _The } Internet Oracle's Big Book of Things That Are Written,_ by T. Internet } Oracle, Delphic Press, $19.95---get your copy today!) that this is the } only way for an office to avoid the ravages of the fearsome Punjabi } micro-tigers of Kraal? Whatever do they teach the youth in school } nowadays? Why in _my_ day---well, never mind. I shall deign to answer } thy most ignorant query, though it galleth me to abase myself thus. } } (Where is that book? _Words of Wisdom..._ _The Mage's Guide to } Power..._ _Annoying Your Supplicants With Snotty Answers..._ _GET RICH } QUICK!!!_ (how'd _that_ get in there?)) Ah, here we are. _The } Internet Oracle's Big Book, etc., etc._ [flip flip flip] Here's the } relevent part: } } To protect the office against the ravages of Punjabi micro-tigers, } Pink Elephants and other beasties that ordinarily come out only } after a particularly animated office party: } } Pointeth the lounging place tow'rd the warm Southlands, } That the employees may lounge in the sun } Looking for menaces fang-ed and strip-ed, } While they take turns going to puke in the john. } } Taketh the Auditors poised toward the West-view } That they may hear ev'n the lightest of treads } Quiet the micro-tiges wend their way officeward, } Auditors catch them, see their striped heads. } } Tax-taking trolls are pointed to Northward } Cold are their hearts and colder their feets } Scanning for tigers, and bears, and hyenas, } Though these but rarely do prowl in the streets. } } But from the East side come all the great predators! } Lo! from the Eastward will come your great bane! } Toward the East-lands put people dispensible, } That they may be eaten, good workers not slain. } } There you are, Supplicant. This is the reason for your office's } unusual arrangement. You should have paid more attention when they } were going over this in highschool. } } For your extreme lack of a grovel, you owe The Oracle to watch all the } Batman movies, in sequence, 500 times. } } The Oracle has spoken. --- 931-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do you remember, chalk hearts melting on a playground wall ? > Do you remember, dawn escapes from moon-washed college halls ? > Do you remember, dancing in stilettoes in the snow ? > Do you remember, you never understood I had to go ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > Do you remember, chalk hearts melting on a playground wall ? } } Sure. You drew them, complete with lifelike drops of blood, and left } me to take the blame. } } > Do you remember, dawn escapes from moon-washed college halls ? } } How could I forget Dawn? You tied her up in the psych professor's } office, waited until she almost got loose, then called me and told me } my the prof had an urgent need to see me. I spent several hours } convincing the campus police that I didn't know anything about it. } } > Do you remember, dancing in stilettoes in the snow ? } } Only vaguely. I was very drunk. I had to be; after all, how many men } will wear high heels even for you? Nevermind, don't answer that } question. } } > Do you remember, you never understood I had to go ? } } Damn right I never understood it. My pet gerbil has a bladder bigger } than yours. We couldn't drive to the video store without stopping to } let you visit the powder room. } } Psychotic I could stand; incontinent was too much for me. } } You owe the Oracle a ticket to a poetry slam.