From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Tue Sep 2 19:53:30 1997 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.10) id TAA14219; Tue, 2 Sep 1997 19:53:30 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 2 Sep 1997 19:53:30 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199709030053.TAA14219@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #937 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 937 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #937 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 2 Sep 1997 19:53:30 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 937 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 932 90 votes 0csyg 2domt 6fnth dopm6 6syl1 arze4 hqok3 efpjh diuo5 7gnya 932 3.1 mean 3.6 3.7 3.4 2.8 2.8 2.7 2.6 3.1 2.9 3.3 --- 937-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty and well-integrated oracle, whose derivative is > always greater than zero and whose grandeur is monotonically > increasing, deign to shed some photons of reasonably high energy > state upon this humble EE senior, who is indeed unworthy of being > differentiated from the masses. > > I've been working on my thesis project this month, and I've run > into a problem. Naturally, I immediately thought of you. I was > working, and I ran out of Jolt. Normally, this isn't a problem, > but the Mountain Dew stockpile was dry, the Coke cans were all > empty, and I already ate all the teabags and coffee grounds (even > the old used ones.) One of my lab partners told me I should get > some sleep. After I found the store (turns out it was OUTSIDE), > the clerk told me he didn't stock it, since anyone could get > plenty without leaving home. I've turned my house upside down > looking for it, but I can't find any! What should I do? > > Drew D. Supplicant, whose bright red Beretta (OK so it's more > of a dingy unwashed red) has a bad starter safety switch and > keeps stranding him places he doesn't want to be! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Given your name and writing style I construe that you belong to the } miserable gender. I suggest you find sleep by borrowing from those who } have plenty. How you ask? } } Easy. Just find a member of the better sex and sleep with her. As of } magic, trasfer of sleep will ensue. You will irresistibly be drawn to } profound sleep whereas she will experience growing awareness and } increasing energy. The process is also referred to as Sleep EXchange } or SEX in short. } } If you cannot find sleep the first time around, try again. (No there } is nothing wrong with you. It's not a bug but rather a feature.) In } case you are still awake after the 4th attempt, stop immediately. } Consult a medical doctor on emergency basis. } } This process is known to have numerous side effects on certain } subjects and is recommended against for teenagers. There are } innumerable books and articles on the subject. Be sure you you } understand the basics before trying. --- 937-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Rich McGee" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Thank you for you resume and job application. Unfortunately, the ABC > corporation is currently unable to consider your employment with us. > Reasons for this include, but are not limited to, the following: > > * Your references (from a Mr. Kinzler in India) clearly reflect a > manager trying to get rid of an employee at all costs. You current > work (at India's Customer Support division) is clearly > unsatisfactory. > > * Personal familiarity with Zeus, Odin and Shiva, while desirable in > themselves, are irrelevant to the ABC corporation's daily affairs. > > * A previous conviction in Mexico raises doubts about your ability to > represent the ABC corporation abroad. > > * Your answer to question 4a ("How much wood...") on the interview > test was unsatisfactory. > > Please apply elsewhere for an opening, as we feel that while your > abilities might lead to your employment, the ABC corporation requires > a far higher standard in Human Resources. > > Yours, > > I. L. Egible > Human Resources division > ABC corporation And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Thank you for your kind letter of refusal. Unfortunately, I am } currently unable to consider any submission which does not include a } preamble of at least 256 bytes of groveling. } While I regret that you have not appreciated my work in the past, I } feel it necessary to inquire where the Hades you get off, questioning } an omniscient being?!? Your background check staff clearly need } to remove their cranial appendages from their glutineal regions. } Have you checked *their* references? Most of them were lying, anyway. } (Except the bit about the squirrels.) } } I wasn't talking about *that* kind of personal familiarity! Odin and } Zeus...sorry, not my style - and have you seen Shiva lately? Scary. } I agree wholeheartedly that I shouldn't be involved in the daily } affairs of your corporation...management-mandated orgies are not my } style. } } Will you drop the Mexico bit already? I was cleared of all charges } by the third jury (the first two all suffered tragic accidents, } proving lightning does strike the same place twice sometimes.) } } Could you be a little clearer on which answer was unsatisfactory? } I've answered that question hundreds of times, you know, and } many of my answers were of such quality that they are preserved } in published works. } } Please allow me to tear you a new opening, as I feel that while your } insolence might lead to your incineration, the Oracle priesthood } requires far lower standards. } } You owe the oracle two hours of commercial-free late night movie. --- 937-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Mr Oracle, > > I speak on behalf of the people from Olympus. I need a favor. > > You remember Old Zeus, from G.O.D. University? Well, he's starting to > get forgetful. He's not to blame, because he can't help it either (his > age, you know). But before it's too late, I need to take care of many > things. > > One of those things, concerns his workload. At his age, he's just not > capable of doing things like this anymore. He's starting to talk to > himself, and stops talking to others. And because we have to keep up > our competition (this asshole from Delphi is trying to take away Zeus' > suplicants)..... > > We want to ask you if you'd want to take over Zeus' workload. We're in > great trouble. We MUST find a solution before this Delphi Oracle takes > over. > > Your sincerely, > > > > G.A. Young > > P.S.: we came to you before Zeus' told us he used to sit next to you in > university. It's just a shot in the dark, but it's worth the effort. > Please be so kind to respond to the following email address: > Zeus@olympus.com And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sit next to me? Trust him to play it down! The two of us were } inseperable! What we used to pull.... I remember the time we faked up } an entire student, passed him through the program, got him a job! And } no-one noticed! We even gave him some really stupid, unpronouncable } name. (All consonants. Yhwh or something, I think.) And the time we } got Kali (she was going with ol' Z at the time, before he hooked up } with Hera) to do the Lady Godiva (of course, it wasn't called that at } the time, but you know what I mean) around the campus! Even got Odin to } loan us his eight-legged horse. What a riot that was! } } Yeah, GOD used to be a great university, back then. But then all that } stuff happened, about three Ages after we graduated, with all of those } younger students. (I'd have to check back in my scrapbook for the } details, but some of them were apparently real troublemakers. One of } them, Yog something or other, and his buddy Cthula, I think, were the } worst of the bunch.) The reputation of the university just plummeted, } and it's never been the same since. *sigh* } } But the old school tie never fades. I'll help out my old buddy. } Whatever he can't handle, just send over here. My Priesthood are } getting lazy anyways, and they could use a shakeup. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the G.O.D. University yearbook from his } graduating year. He had a five-billion year hangover after the } celebrations and lost track of his original copy. --- 937-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What the.. ? > > -Andrey And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A somewhat interestingly put question semantically, Andrey, but it's a } start, and your grasp of the English language will continually improve } if you keep consulting the Oracle about questions like this. } } "The" is the definite article of the English language; i.e., that } adjective used when one is referring to a specific member of a class of } things. It is distinguished from "a" (which, incidentally, is a Dutch } letter) in that the specificity of "the" is limited to an inferred } antecedent, which may be different for speaker and listener. } } For example, in the sentence } } I skinned the woodchuck who ate my Dutch apple ice cream in three } different yet equally snarky ways. } } "The" is referring to a specific woodchuck, one which can (by } implication) known to both the speaker and the listener before the } sentence is spoken or, as in this case, a specified woodchuck (the one } who ate my Dutch apple ice cream). } } If, on the other hand, the sentence read } } I skinned a woodchuck who ate my Dutch apple ice cream in pi } different yet equally snarky ways. } } The woodchuck referred to could be *any* woodchuck who happened to eat } my Dutch apple ice cream. } } "The," thus, is highly subjective, in that its meaning can depend on } the person with whom you are speaking. For example, when you say } } I gave the woodchuck a Dutch rub. } } to me, I could assume that "the woodchuck" is the Giant Scary Woodchuck } of Doom, while if you said } } I gave the woodchuck a Dutch rub. } } to Zadoc, he might assume that "the woodchuck" to which you referred } was the dead one under the porch. } } While in the above sentences, "the" was always more specific than "a," } there are some contexts in which "the" can be properly used, but "a" } can not, i.e. } } The Flying Dutchmen own six airplanes and three woodchucks. } } Furthermore, "the" is sometimes used to give special emphasis to a word } or phrase, as in } } The Giant Scary Woodchuck of Doom is The Dutch Uncle. } } as opposed to } } The Giant Scary Woodchuck of Doom is a Dutch uncle. } } The equivalent of "the" in most languages is more complex, for example, } in various contexts, the English word "the" can be equivalent to the } German words "der," "die," "das," "des," "den," and "dem," or in } Spanish, "el," "la," "los," etc. As an added bonus to your knowledge, } supplicant, I'll throw in as a free bonus the Flemish equivalents (this } is sort of like a Dutch treat): "de" and "het." So, though there is } only a single English word for this concept, there are treble that in } Kazakh, sextuple German, and double Dutch. } } As a final note, it should be pointed out that "the" sometimes is used } as an acronym, for example for TetraHydroxyEther. When it is used in } this context, however, it is almost invariably capitalised. } } You owe the Oracle a Dutch woodchuck. --- 937-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mighty and most Kibological Oracle, I have need of thy guidance. > > There are some threads in alt.religion.kibology that I'd like to > killfile, but I'm afraid that if I do that I might miss something > posted by Kibo, since he reads EVERY post in the group. What is the > solution to my dillemma, O Oracle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To answer this one, I'll hand you over to (drum roll) Kibo! } } Kibo: Yes? Oh, Damn Orrie, do you have to refer EVERY question to me? } } Hmmm, ok, to answer the question.... } Truth is, I haven't read the group in years, is it still there? } You mean...AH HA HA HA HA HA!! ROFL people } actually POST to that thing?!! AH HA HA HA!!! Heh, I created } that thing years ago just to see if I could } send a fake control message. Ah, man , I need a drink of water. } --- 937-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Forbes The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, Oracle, wherefore art thou, Oracle! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } LISA } O Oracle, Oracle! wherefore art thou Oracle? } Forswear thy domain name and be mine alone; } Or but email me thy confirmation, } And I shall renounce all woodchucks that are in my family. } } ORACLE } [Aside] Odds bodkins! What nonstandard protocol is this? } } LISA } 'Tis but a matter of a few bytes } That doth separate our hearts. } This eternal battle betwixt Woodchuck } And Oracle doth make me grieve; } For I love one and yet - alas! } Am of the blood of the other. } Oracle! Would that thou could bear } Some other name, or I } Could, with this dagger, free myself } Of the name thou endurest not. } } ORACLE } I cannot remain silent any longer! } I shall grant you superuser access } To every portion of my heart and soul; } Log on, if thou wilt, and delete my name } If that is what keeps us apart. } } LISA } What manner of packet-sniffer } Decrypts my most sensitive private data? } } ORACLE } For now, my love, I am but a guest user; } I would rather reformat my drives } Than repeat again that name } Which causes thee such strife. } } LISA } As if thou couldst deceive me! Thy voice } Is like a hundred-line .sig } Which identifies thee as surely } As though I had fingered thee. } Art thou not the Oracle? } } ORACLE } I would rather not harm thy sensibilities } With my reply. } } LISA } How darest thou lurk silent, spying me } While I muse here, wearing only } That skimpy negligee that revealeth much? } } ORACLE } Fair Lisa, I must confess that when I saw thee } Bedecked in lacy underthings, } I tarried here, bewitched. And how much greater } Than a woodchuck was my joy } At thine appearance. } } LISA } Likest thou this? It was on sale. But alas! } I fear it does no good to be enticing thusly } For thou shalt surely ZOT me } In the presence of my woodchuck kin. } } ORACLE } Stay thy tongue, O vision of beauty! } Thou shalt come with me and under my protection } Thy woodchuck past shall be forgotten. } And with my staff of ZOT } Thy loathsome relatives } Shall hinder our eternal love no more. } } LISA } Can'st be true? Say thou again } That thee shall have me for thine own! } } ORACLE } By Kinzler I do swear it! } } LISA } My joy is complete! I may slumber now } Assured of thy constant love. } } ORACLE } Then let us fly together tonight, my love } And leave these wretched woodchucks behind. } } ZADOC } Lisa? Art thou ready for bed yet? } } ORACLE } What intrusion is this? } } LISA } 'Tis but my companion and servant, } The faithful Zadoc. If we are to elope } My dearest friend must join us. } } ORACLE } Aye, but make haste! Time grows late } And we must be away from here at once! } } LISA } At once it shall be, my dearest love. } I go now to pack - just a few things I need; } My makeup case, and my clothes, } And of course my jewelry, and this case } Of my favorite romance novels. } Zadoc! Tonight we join } My beloved Oracle for all our lives } Henceforth. } } { enter ZADOC } } ZADOC } I am overjoyed, my lady. Canst thou carry } Just ONE of thy bags? I fear my back } My break under the strain } Of thy belongings. } } ORACLE } Enough! We leave now, 'ere 'tis too late; } Good Zadoc (thou miserable worm), be quick. } } ZADOC } As thou wish, thy zotfulness. } } {exeunt} --- 937-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Dr. Noe" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Can .VOC files be MIME encoded? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, you fool, you can't vocalize something AND mime at the same time, } that's why it's called miming! --- 937-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > U L T I M A T U M > > TO: Internet Oracle > FR: Law Offices of Smith, Beelzebub, and Cohen > RE: Breach of Contract > > Dear Sir: > > It has come to the attention of the Law Offices of Smith, > Beelzebub, and Cohen that you, the Internet Oracle ("Oracle") have > breached contract with our client, one Prince of Darkness ("Devil"). > You have a copy of the contract, so we will not bother with the details > presently. The main thrust of the contract was for Mr. Devil to > deliver to Mr. Oracle omniscience, omnipotence, and an undying > following, the price of which was to be Mr. Oracle's soul. Mr. Oracle, > you have sold your soul to the devil, but you have not delivered. We > are waiting impatiently for your immediate reply. > > Sincerely, > Smith, Beelzebub, and Jones And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Messrs. Smith, Cohen and Bub, } } Closer examination of my contract with the "devil" as you call him will } reveal to you that while I have in fact sold my soul to the dear little } chap, no mention is made of any requirement to deliver it to him. He } owns it, have no doubt, but he will have to find it for himself. If he } encounters any difficulty with this, he may have to whomp up another } batch of omniscience for his own self. } } In addition, all of the popular literature has clearly represented D as } coming and collecting in person. It would be reasonable for him to do } me the courtesy of doing so, especially in my case, since My Omniscient } and Omnipotent soul is doubtless worth a bit of formality on his part } which might not normally be due to pitiful mortals such as yourselves, } groping in the dark wandering the halls of delusion as you are. } } Cheerfully Yours } (come and get me) } } The Oracle. --- 937-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is Diana really dead? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh supplicant of the completely non-existent grovel, the } earth-shatteringly absent honorific and the bloody brief question. } } Not completely (assuming you count the symbiotes as part of the *whole* } organism), but pretty much so. Wouldn't pass a turing test, for } instance. } } You owe The Oracle a better crash-proof Mercedes. --- 937-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Forbes The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Can I become the Nobele Prize? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Since the Nobel prize consists of a gold medal, a certificate, and } a sum of money, the answer is unfortunately "no". Luckily, the } Oracle is aware of several prizes which you are fully capable of } becoming: } } 1. The L. Ron Hubbard Memorial Good and Faithful Censor Award } } Awarded every year to the individual who has done the most to } prevent dissemination of copyrighted religious material while } striving to make people take Tom Cruise seriously as a spokesperson, } the prize consists of one Fully Cleared human being. You may qualify } for becoming the prize by moving to Clearwater, Florida, with a sum } of $748,000 in small-denomination bills, and having your brain } scanned by a pair of tin cans connected to the innards of a Radio } Shack Learning About Electronics kit. } } 2. The Northern Minnesota Bundling Award } } Awarded annually to the farmer in the counties of Kittson, Roseau, } or Lake of the Woods who records the highest number of bushels } of winter wheat per acre, the prize consists of one young } person with whom the winner may "bundle" during the six-month } winter season, for purposes of mutual warmth only. (Since both } bundler and bundlee are sewn into burlap bags every evening, } the injunction is rather a moot point.) You may qualify for } the award by moving to East Grand Forks and learning to postpend } "Yah?" to every sentence. } } 3. The Harvard Oligarchs Slave-For-A-Day Award } } Presented at the yearly banquet to the member who has exhibited } the best taste in cigars, Scotch, and neoconservative ideology, } the prize consists of a "slave" who is required to do the } recipient's bidding for 24 hours. You may qualify for the award } by investing in a can of black shoe polish with which to apply } the traditional Humorous Blackface. } } You owe the Oracle a Germanic language with more sense than to } use "bekommen" when it means "get".