From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Fri Sep 26 08:32:56 1997 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.11) id IAA22467; Fri, 26 Sep 1997 08:32:56 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 26 Sep 1997 08:32:56 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199709261332.IAA22467@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #945 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 945 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #945 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 26 Sep 1997 08:32:56 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 945 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 940 90 votes 5eBke jzff6 dtng9 biyk7 0avpo ampo9 9kDk2 9lnv6 7fxhi beore 940 3.1 mean 3.3 2.5 2.8 2.9 3.7 3.0 2.8 3.0 3.3 3.2 --- 945-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Dr. Noe" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most green, > > Got stuck behind a rusty pickup with blown rings today. It had a bumper > sticker that said "jesus is the answer". > > So what was the question? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Who does the owner of this vehicle pray to every year at state } inspection time?" } } You owe the Oracle a lube and filter job. --- 945-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey, Orrie, who's this Charles M. Hannum guy? You seem to be getting > an awful lot of new priests these days. What happened - you wear the > old ones out? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle User Guide } Chapter 4 Sub-section c.01 } Priests - Location and Removal } } On the mark 1 Oracle, priests are located under the sub-frame at } points A B and C as per diagram. These should be checked for wear } regularly. A worn priest will be easily rotated and will display } lateral movement within its retaining grommet. } To remove a worn priest, undo retaining clips 1 to 15 using the } supplied specialist tool, or a screwdriver and soft hammer. The } circlip should now be visible, remove and lift out the underlying 'o' } ring. The priest can now be lifted free of its mounting and } discarded. In the case of the Zadoc type 004 priest immerse in water } for 6 hours after removal to stop any unwanted complaining. Charles } M Hannum guys are not recommended for Oracular priest replacement } unless they have been pre-fitted with a Zadoc conversion device, } avilable from your Oracle main dealer. The use of non-Oracle Japanese } import 'clone' spares is not recommended. } Addition of optional extra priests should only be carried out by } trained Oracle maintenance staff. --- 945-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > "The World is probably funnier to people who don't live > here." > --Hobbes And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Indeed it is, and I probably shouldn't be telling you this, it's } against Oracular policy you see, so let's just keep between us, ok? } } It's a little known fact that the events on our little planet are quite } popular to the other species in the galaxy. It all started when } General No'der'donkee, leader of the galactic armed forces in this } sector of the galaxy stumbled across a little planet called Earth, } about 500 years ago. } } At first, they thought it was just your average life-giving planet, you } know, animals not far removed from amoebae, mindlessly running around } killing each other, but a chance incident alerted them to the } possibilities this little planet held. } } After landing their mothership in a place where they wouldn't be } found they sent out a landing party to explore the planet. They had to } collect a variety of information such as the types of life present, } planet composition, weather patterns, etc. They like doing that sort } of thing, it gives them yet another piece of useless information to } teach their children in school which they'll never use. Also, there } was always the remote possibility the little creatures would discover } space travel some time in the following million years, so it was best } for them to be prepared. } } Anyway, to cut a long story short, they were about to leave the planet } in disgust when all of the sudden the General looked of the window and } said ... } } "What the $*#! is that?" } } "The computer says that's called a giraffe, sir." } } By this time everyone was peering outside the window and they had soon } all burst out into a fit of outrageous laughter. None of them could } believe that such a stupid thing could exist. "Look at the neck, if it } was any longer it might knock a few of our ships out of orbit!" I } guess alien humour isn't quite the same as human humour. } } So, they stayed longer and had a closer look at the planet. To their } amazement, they found such hilarious things as men wearing tights, } rubber chickens and Windows 95. } } Galactic interest rapidly grew in Earth, which led to the establishment } of many TV shows devoted to the events on Earth. Examples include } "Earth's Funniest Home Videos", which consists of footage taken from } orbit of what people do when they think there's no camera around, and } "Earth TV", which catered to the aliens which were more interested in } the human-interest stories. } } There has even been a few stories on "Galaxy's Dumbest Criminals", } including one on some kids who stole a flying saucer and went for a } joyride over Roswell. } } You owe the Oracle a toy giraffe. --- 945-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Rich McGee" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tremendous Oracle, who is even smarter than I, please help me, fast! > > I sent away for some Acme Helium Balloons that I could use to fly up to > an astounding height out here on the desert, so that I could catch the > Roadrunner. Unfortunately Mr. Chuck Jones saw fit to have Acme deliver > me anvils instead of balloons. Here I am, trying to fly with a load of > Acme Anvils. Help! I'm sinking fast, especially now that I just > looked down. > > Very Truly Yours, > W. Coyote And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } OK, first thing to do is stop looking down. Look up, quick! } } You're hovering? Good. Now... keep looking up... Do you have painting } supplies on you? Good. Paint a picture of a balloon on one of the anv-- } NO! Do NOT look down! Keep looking up and PAINT! That's a balloon? } Looks more like a squirrel... it'll do. Now we wait. When Mealius } Speedius shows up, he'll look at you and see the balloon. As you know } from the train tunnel incident, he has eerie powers that will make the } painted balloon-- NO! DON'T LOOK DOWN!!! that will make the painting } rise, carrying you with it. (Unless he thinks it looks more like a } squirrel, in which case you're out of luck.) } } You owe me a promise to read the package before opening it from now on. --- 945-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the answer to the problem 2+2? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } BeFOUR I give you an answer FOUR the aFOURmentioned question, ask } yourself: What do I do this service FOUR? FOUR the money? FOUR the } fame and FOURtune? Not at all. I do it FOUR the honor of having } supplicants grovel and FOURm pleas to me that I may inFOURm them with } my FOURsight. FOUR that to happen, you need to grovel beFOUR me. } } You owe the Oracle a FOURk. --- 945-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Two guys walked into a bar... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } And four women walked out. --- 945-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Rich McGee" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle of the ages, father of my babies, please tell me this: > > Why don't the stars fall out of the sky at night? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They do. Why do you think you can't see them during the day? } } You owe the Oracle some better star adhesive. } And a DNA test, just to prove that father of your babies thing... --- 945-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is Ben and I going to get together? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I won't sugar coat it. } } No. } } There are a myriad of reasons, but will list only the most serious } ones: } } First, there's religion. You see, Ben's a strict Grammarian, while } you... are not. } Then there's civility. Ben is an old romantic. He believes in the old } courtesies, the "please", the "thank you". When he finds the right } woman, he's going to balls-out with the gentlemanly behavior, } culminating in a proposal that would make Danielle Steele weep. I just } don't see him being able to take much from someone who can't adress a } millenia old Oracle without so much as a civil greeting. } Finally, he's allergic to one of your cats. Fluffy, not Muffin. (Heck, } it could simply be the _name_ he's allergic to) } } You owe the oracle a really racy Victorian novel. --- 945-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wiser-than-Wise Oracle (does that make you a wiseguy?), I am in a > quandry, and seek your ever-knowing, ever-correct, Everready(tm) > advice. > > My girlfriend did not get much sleep last night. By the day's end, she > will have transformed into a knife-and-cleaver wielding medusa. How > can I reduce my future injuries? Flowers, maybe? Perhaps I could wait > until she goes to sleep before returning, and come sneaking in late at > night. On second thought, that may not be such a good idea . . . And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First off, avoid eye contact at all costs until we can get this } resolved! The knives and cleaver's won't mean squat if you're stone. } } The Pre Medusa Syndrome (PMS) you describe is not an easy thing to live } with, and it only go's away after she reaches mid-life, and her body } stops creating an egg/month. } } My advice is to breed like white mice, always have her pregnant, and } avoid the Mr. Monthly Visitor problem. I know this is a sacrifice and } committment, but fatherhood will also keep you out of the house, } working 5-6 jobs to keep up with the expenses. } } Or, RUN, GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN!!!!! } } You owe the oracle earplugs - all those screaming babies are giving me } a headache --- 945-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > % cat talk > MEOW > % > > Is this what that program is supposed to do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } NO, NO, NO!!! You must wipe your disk clean while there is still } time. Your computer has somehow become infected with the infamous } Purina virus. This virus starts by just printing MEOW on the } infected machine. But, as time goes by, it starts using its more } insidious features. Next it will start jumping into your lap every } time you try to read Usenet news. Before you know it, your computer } will be scratching all your furniture, unloading data on your carpet, } and wailing at all hours of the night. It will become the total lord } and master of your home. Be afraid, be very afraid. } } You owe the Oracle (whose Siamese cat is, ounce for ounce, the most } neurotic creature on the planet) a new upholstery job for his sofa.