From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Thu Jan 10 13:51:31 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.14) id NAA03836; Thu, 10 Jan 1998 13:51:31 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 10 Jan 1998 13:51:31 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199801100510.AAA24117@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #972 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 972 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #972 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 10 Jan 1998 13:51:31 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 972 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 967 99 votes 6qtrb 6qGdc 3nBme alDp4 38jzy cmym9 6fkDj 4uFj5 2lyuc 9gnjw 967 3.2 mean 3.1 3.0 3.2 2.9 3.9 2.9 3.5 2.9 3.3 3.5 --- 972-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most bizarre, please tell me: > > Why does there seem to be the smell of pumpkin in every > misunderstanding I deliver? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, an abstract concept deliveryperson! Yours is one of the most } underappreciated jobs on the planet, especially since you deliver } misunderstandings. Most deliveries go like this: } } You: Knock, knock } Orderer: Hello? } You: Hi. I have an order for a misunderstanding. } Orderer: No, I didn't order anything. } You: Look, is this 123 Obscure Avenue? } Orderer: No this is 123 Obscure *Street*. You must have a } misunderstanding. } You: Damn, these things are hard to deliver. } } Anyway, pumpkin seems to be the most popular topping for } misunderstandings (since pumpkin - topped pizzas are yucky). Keep } plugging away - someday you might even get a tip. } } You owe the Oracle a large misunderstanding with extra pumpkin. --- 972-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Puissant Oracle, compared to whom Miss Manners is an unwashed > illiterate peasant, please tell me, what wine would be most appropriate > with a peanut-butter-and-banana sandwich? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } When choosing a fine beverage to accompany such a starchy meal, } the Oracle is inevitably drawn to the Chateau Moud General '98 } KoolAid Citron Vert . Now, there are those among the illiterate } unwashed masses who might suggest a PepsiCo '97 RosM-ie Montagne, } but I find the color and palate overwhelm the more subtle nuances of } a delicate meal like Sandwich de Cacahuete Beurre et Banane. Indeed, } this desire to allow the flavors of the Sandwich through may lead some } to erroneously recommend the palid and overrated Juteux Jus Raisin } (either the '98 or '97, the '96 beginning to lose it's appeal in spite } of the overly optimistic "use by" label.) While the Juteux Jus is } appropriate for the likes of a Sandwich Thon or perhaps a Macaroni } et Fromage, there is no way it is compatible with the combination of } unique flavors presented by cacahuete and banane. } } Now, as to my choice of the Citron Vert, there are no doubt a large } population of wine critics who might yeild to the temptation to go } with a Fruit Tropicale (the '96, the '97 suffered from bruising during } transport, and the '98 Nouveau has yet to appear on domestic markets), } but I feel this is, as we might say, too much of a good thing. A glass } is required with a less complex blend, acidic to counterpoint the } starchiness of the meal, but with a sweet finish and simple bouquet. } } Any good purveyor of the Moud General line should have the Citron Vert. } It can be recognized by the label, being a depiction of a large pitcher } with a bemused face enscribed upon it. A good price in area stores } would be $0.50, although it is not unheard of to see it offered for } as little as $0.25. } } You owe the Oracle a review of the '98 Coke Classique. --- 972-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > how it will go with Anna Maria? > > thx > max And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Not very well, but then I'm not much into the cannibalism thing. I'd } recommend the onion rings instead. } } You owe the Oracle a dessert. --- 972-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Julsy" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty oracle, I was wondering how I would be able to get hold of > one of those Scottish Widows - preferably the one in the advert. > > Am willing to travel. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } AND TRAVEL YOU WILL, SUPPLICANT!!!!!! } } Because you've just WON a FREE trip to SCOTLAND!!!!!!!!!! } } Yes, you've won a FREE TRIP TO SCOTLAND on AIR PAKISTAN!!!!!!!!!!!! } You will be flown from New York's JFK International Airport to } Beautiful Downtown Glasgow, where you'll be met by a delegation of } unemployed football thugs, who will treat you to a night on the town! } You'll be driven in a stolen car to every pub in the slums! } } After you recover from your hangover and beatings, you'll be } whisked off to visit the beautiful Shetland Islands, where you'll } be introduced to numerous sheep, small shaggy ponies, more sheep, } a few drooling idiots, even more sheep, some piles of historic rock } and yet more sheep! } } Finally, you'll be dragged back to Glasgow behind an ancient (and } *historic*!) cart, where you'll be put up in the famous Samuel Johnson } Suite at the Glasgow Holiday Inn! There, you'll be given free room } service, including all the haggis you can eat, deep-fried golf balls } and alcohol filtered through dirt! } } After a few days of that, you'll be ready to meet the woman of your } dreams! -- Mary McFadden, who was recently widowed when her husband } of 23 years was killed in an accident on an oil rig in the North Sea! } She and her 6 children will show you to your new 4th-floor walk-up } flat in the historic (1936-era) Public Works District! } } So, supplicant, pack your bags! You're on your way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! } } You owe the Oracle the sentence "Be careful what you wish for..." } written 1,000,000 times. Trust me: You'll be *glad* to perform } this task. --- 972-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Og here. > > For some reason, a person calling himself "Og" has been using my e-mail > address to send you messages with appalling poor grammar. Apparently, > these messages have included references to beating himself on the > forehead with large rocks, groveling in molten lava and asking > questions about giant lizards (I assume he means non-bird dinosuars). > > I want to assure you that Austrolopithecenes do *not* use syntax of > this kind. We fully understand the use of pronouns, noun-verb agreement > and proper use of tense. After all, we *are* the antecedents of Homo > (so-called) sapiens. Nor would any self-respecting Austrolopithecene > actually abase himself on the Internet in such a fashion. > > What can I do to prevent any future occurance of the mis-use of my > private e-mail address? > > Sincerely, > > Og > Chairman, > Computing Network Task Force > Stanford University > > og@stanford.edu And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, that explains more than a few things. } -- } The Usenet Oracle "Go Bears!" } University of California, Berkeley '90 --- 972-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wanna do lunch? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I am much too discriminating to fornicate with my food, and a bit } insulted that you might think me a pervert of that sort. I'd send } a massive ZOT your way, but if you really find roast beef sandwiches } sexually inviting, you have enough problems already. } } You owe the Oracle "The Joy of Cooking" and "The Joy of Sex" as a } two-volume boxed set. --- 972-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > In the snow, Orries glistening, > Supplicants are you listening? > He's walking back home, > Without friends of his own, > All because of the office Xmas bash. > > He's so drunk, he can't see straight, > He's just collapsed, Oh what a state, > His breath is like wine, > It's a quarter of nine, > All because of the office Xmas bash. > > We don't know, if he'll get home, > He just goes, where his legs roam, > Falling down, rubber man, > Without any plan, > All because of the office Xmas bash. > > (To the tune of "Walking in a Winter Wonderland" in case you > hadn't already guessed...) > > So when is the Oracular Office, Xmas Bash then? > And where did you go last year? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant, you've no scansion } But please come to my mansion } We're partying here } At end of the year } Dancing at the Orrie New Year Bash } } It's a date you'll remember } 32nd of December } The time is easy } 25 UTC } Dancing at the Orrie New Year Bash } } In the ballroom there will be punch bowl } Fountaining to just below the roof } Just a little strong for mortal types, though } Because the stuff is seven hundred proof } } Later on, if you're living } Gifts to Me, you'll be giving } For answer you owe } A man made of snow } Bring it to the Orrie New Year Bash --- 972-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are there misquotes? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'd like to know that myself. I hate 'em! Whiny little wings! Sharp } stabbing little noses! So stupid you can smash 'em right away and then } they mess up your new white shirt with your own fresh blood! All you } can do is try to protect yourself. Like they say, "Never put Off on } tomorrow when you can put Off on today". } } You owe the Oracle a new can of misquote repellant. --- 972-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Omnicient Oracle Of Owesome... Sorry, I'm not good at extemporaneous > grovelling. Let me try again: O Oracle, you are really pretty good. > > What I want to know is, if of the priesthood claims to revere brevity > in Oracular replies, why do so many veritable tomes, so many graduate > theses get inducted into the Oracularities? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, they may revere brevity, but they also know what I'll do to } them if they fail to include an answer that I'm particularly proud } of. } } You owe the Oracle an answer to the W**dch*ck question in the style } of H.P. Lovecraft, in under thirty words. --- 972-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Dr. Orrie,, > > I'm writing to tell you my problem, It seems I have been > married to a sex maniac for the past 10 years. She makes > love to me regardless of what I am doing; Washing the car, > Washing dishes, Sweeping the sidewalk, even while sending > E-Mail, etc. I would like to know if there is anything that > ucnn hlp m wth nd f unothel gothsl ehj fpslth fjsl;s;;o{O} .lp sld > mpskdli dlks; a;ld > ;;' > > cinsely ous > mdyl And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear mdyl, } } Ah, I see that you're tied up with Mrs. mdyl at the moment. } Fortunately, being omniscient, I am able to understand the rest of your } thoughts on the problem of which you write. Of course, it will not } surprise you to know that yes, there *is* something that I can do to } help you. Fortunately for you, I am also in a good mood and will agree } to advise you, despite your omission of a grovel. } } Having been married to a sexually demonstrative woman (please, we don't } use the term "sex maniac" in the '90s!) for 10 years, you have no doubt } gained some skill in carrying out the normal activities of daily life } while at the same time being stripped naked and ridden like a bronco. } Perhaps you have even arranged for yourself a career where you can work } at home, where no one minds what goes on under your desk. And yet, you } have not mastered the use of fine motor skills during lovemaking. Fear } not! } } It is true that keyboarding while cavorting is a difficult task. I, } myself, struggled with this for the first few years of my relationship } with Lisa. The key is to continually practice! Perhaps you need to } begin typing a novel, or answer a few thousand w**dchuck questions, or } transcribe the text of the Windows 95 bug list. Whatever you choose to } type, just keep working on it. Soon, you will find yourself making } fewer typing errors. Your dexterity will improve, which will bring } additional benefits for your wife. And you will gain a greater ability } to focus on your typing, maintaining a high standard of work without } being distracted by that endlessly writhing naked body, those soft } moans of ecstasy growing louder and louder as the pace quickens, that } skin glowing with the effort of her pounding hips, the way she brushes } back her long blonde hair just beforrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr oooooooooooo } ooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa } aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa } } Ahem. } } You owe the Oracle a little more time to practice with Lisa. So sue } me.