From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Tue Jan 27 09:46:19 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.14) id JAA11160; Tue, 27 Jan 1998 09:46:19 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 27 Jan 1998 09:46:19 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199801271446.JAA11160@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #978 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 978 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #978 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 27 Jan 1998 09:46:19 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 978 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 973 95 votes 51jFt eqria 8impm 87nAl 5eHq7 aqphh 7izs7 4murc 7mCj9 4cwsj 973 3.3 mean 3.9 2.8 3.4 3.6 3.2 3.1 3.1 3.2 3.0 3.5 --- 978-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > 'ere! Wotcha geezer! Oh 'eck, I s'pose I bettuh grovul 'ere, in'I? > Um..."Mighty Oracle, wot can do anyfink 'e wonts, even put a monkey on > a 20-1 shot at the dogs and still come up smellin' of rosies, like." > Will that do? Er..where woz I? Oh yeah that's it. I bin running this > little op'ration - ligit, right? - runnin' me van over ter Froggieland > an' fillin' 'er up wiv booze an' fags, right? Then I sell 'em on to > old 'Enery dahn me local - diamond geezer is 'Enery, like a bruvver > to me - pocketin' a tidy profit, like. Only trubble is, th' rozzers > is on me back. They reckun it's a little dodgy like I've bin breakin' > th' import rules. I mean, come on, pal! You think I *like* goin' > to eat frog's legs an' garlic and all that frenchie rubbish? Naw, > give me good ol' jellied eels any day. So I woz wond'rin', should I > cut the old bill in on th' deal or what? Cheers pal. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Welcome to The Internetional Oracle! As your email has come from } our European domain, we are forwarding you to our newest European } incarnation. Please hold. } } } } } } Allo! Voici l'Oracle Internetional! Quelle est votre question? } Ah, je la voix. Un moment, si vous plait, j'ai besoin de la lire. } Hmmm hmmm... euh... hmmm... mon dieu! You Eeengleesh pig-dog! } For what are you sending questions about smuggling and making fun } of ze great French frog-legs delicacy? Non, non, zis cannot be done. } I will forward you to ze English division. Un moment... } } } } } } Hhhello, we are Queen Eliza... I mean, we are an incarnation of the } wonderful and omniscient Oracle. We will now read your question and } respond hhhumourously and eloquently. Oh, my! I cannot understand } this at all! Do our subjects really talk in such a disgraceful } manner? We are not amused. We will hhhave to forward this on to our } parliamentary secretary to decipher. } } } } } } Oi, Ted 'ere. Whassup? Uh huh... I see... so, whot yo' sayin'zat yo' } tryin' ta screw 'enry *and* 'er majesty's exchequer, but now dem boyzat } Scottland Yahd's got windaya? Tell ya whot, why don' I just come down } there now, split them merchandises wif ya 50-50, and I give you some } valid import licenses for the next 5 months? Awright, thought yo' } might go for that. After all, I'm the omniscient Oracle, ain't I? } } } You owe the Oracle a Cockney-to-Ebonics dictionary. --- 978-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why isn't there any Dr. Pepper in the soda machine? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It was a foggy night in 'frisco, that is to say, a } foggier night than most, when she walked into my office. } I'd given my secretary, Lisa the night off, so } there was no warning. The door just opened, and there } she was. } } I could tell she was a classy dame from the moment } I pried my face off of my desk and got a good look at her. } Much too good for this joe. The only reason an uptown girl } like her would be in my digs would be strictly buisness. } She didn't sit. She just spoke, "I need the black } bottle. I'm able to pay well to get it." } I was right, this skirt didn't waste any time in } pleasantries. } My head was swimming from the night before. To go } on caffine benders like that, I'd need more cash. "Allright," } I said, "I'll take your money, sister." I'd like to tell } her I'd prefer to see her grovel, but my face wasn't itching } to get slapped this early in the a.m. "Tell me about the } bottle." } She smiled, "If you're as good as they say, then I } won't need to, Mr. Oracle." She had me pegged alright. "I'll } be back." Then she turned on those long gams of hers and } was out the door. It was a moving experience. } } I went down to grab the paper. As I left the } office, I felt the gun dig into the small of my back. } I smiled. This was going to be fun. } "Move a muscle, Mr. Oracle and ... hehheh!" } "Not this time, Z!" I said, deftly disarming him } and slapping him in one smooth move. Like taking candy from } a baby. } The little man whimpered, "Don't hurt me!." } I grabbed him by the collar. "Talk!" I snarled. } But I didn't have time to beat it out of him. I } saw the large lumbering shadow pass over the doorstep. } It was followed by a gigantic man. He waved a placating } hand, "Please, Mr. Oracle, no violence." } "Sidney Dark-greenmage." I recognized him at once. } "To what do I owe the honor of a visit from you and } your toadie pal, here?" } "The black bottle, Mr. Oracle. I want it. You're } going to get it for me," he wheezed. } "In your dreams," I quipped. } He grinned. I didn't like it. "Oh you'll get it } alright..... or the girl will come to, shall we say, } a little damage?" } So he had her. That poor mixed-up kid. I had to } try and save her. Who says chivalry's dead? Only most } of the practictioners. } "Sure, sure. You got it, pal. Meet me at this } warehouse. Midnight, sharp." I handed him a slip of } paper. He nodded. Z was still on the floor, rubbing his } nose. "I'll have your bottle." } Dark-greenmage nodded. Then he was gone, } followed by the slinking Z. } } Midnight. The dock warehouse. The fog was } thicker than ever. I'd cased the joint. Dark-greenmage } was there, with Z and the girl. I walked in. } "Hello, beautiful," I addressed the girl. } "Nevermind. have you brought the bottle?" } snapped Dark-greenmage. } "First, release the Girl." I demanded. } "The bottle, first." } "Sure. Here..... catch!" I tossed it at him. } He missed it, but Z faded back and caught it. } I dashed in and wheeled the girl's chair to safety, } cutting her from the chair quickly. She stood and } began rubbing her wrists. I steadied her as the two } goons began to fight over the bottle, and murmmered } into that lovely ear, "Let's get outta here." } She nodded and we slipped out and into my car } and high-tailed it back to the office. She was all } frowns, "You lost the bottle, you class-A chump!" } I grinned, "I lost /a/ bottle. Not /the/ } bottle. When they open it, all they'll find in it } is a maltese falcon." } I loved to see her lovely jaw drop in suprise. } "What...?" } I laughed, "It's simple, really. That warehouse } was loaded with nothing but maltese falcons. Not a drop } of cola in the place." } Her eyes narrowed, "I paid a lot for that } shipment! Now you tell me it's all falcons! YOU! You } pulled the switch!" } "And you've just implicated yourself, lovely." } With that, the cops came in and Lt. Noe stepped } out of the closet. "Good work, Oracle." he nodded } "Come on, Miss Fungaroli, You and me have a date, downtown." } She fumed, then gave me a pout, "Maybe, someday, } Oracle, we'll meet again." } "Don't count on it being soon, Sister." I leaned } in to light her cigarette. She blew the soft bluish smoke } back into my face, as Lt. Noe took her away. } Suddenly, Lisa was in my arms, "Orrie! I was so } worried about you. I couldn't shake the feeling you } were in danger." } I smiled. Good secretary, that Lisa. "Wanna split } the last Dr.Pepper in town with me?" I brought the } precious black bottle out from the desk drawer. } "You bet your last bottleopener, Mister," Lisa } winked. } That's what I like to see, a dame who can hold } her caffeine. --- 978-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and wondrous Oracle > whose coffee is always fresh, > whose coffee pot is never empty. > and who never suffers from that > dread caffeine withdrawal. Tell me, > your most unworthy supplicant, who is, > in comparison to your magnificent > freshness, like unto the dregs left with > stale grounds in it after a full pot has > been left on overnight : > > Why is it, that when I make a fresh pot > of coffee at work, by the time I get back > to it to pour a cup, only stale dregs remain? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is because you and your co-workers have been too-long } greedy and have offended the coffee-gods! You have burnt } coffee in the pots left un-drunk on the heating elements, } and the stench has made a reek unto the nostrils. You have } not stayed to celebrate the miracle of coffee brewing and, } indeed do not deserve the fresh coffee you do so crave! } } There is one way to appease! } } You must lead the prettiest office-maiden behind a } coffee-bean laden donkey to the bubbling pots, while } chanting "Fresh Roast! Fresh Roast!" Then you must } offer her as "The Bride of Valdez." This is a ritual } marriage only. In the old days, villages would toss } the maiden into a pile of freshly ground coffee, but } one too many became over-caffinated and perished. } } Then you run some white vinegar with water through } the coffemaker to clense it, and give it a rinsing } 10 times with pure water. All the while, the staff } should pamper the Bride of Valdez and gather } doughnuts. } } Then, at the appointed hour, the Bride of Valdez } will take fresh ground beans in her hands and place } them into the machine on a fresh filter. She will } push the button and, Lo! There shall come from } the machine GOOD COFFEE. } } Allow the coffee to brew all the way, do NOT } interrupt the ceremony, or the gods will become } most dreadfully pissed off. } } At the end of the ceremony, shall all drink and } say "Ahhhhhhh!" Do this every day and the coffee } gods will be well-pleased. } } Either that or break down and buy that Starbucks } to go on the way to work. } } You owe the Oracle a sturdier swirliebopper that } won't buckle and is long enough to stir the coffee } without burning my fingers! --- 978-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise and Great Oracle, > > Do you like Vermouth? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Alcoholically Unenlightened Supplicant, } } Of course not. Nobody *likes* vermouth, although it is considered an } essential part of any well-stocked liquor cabinet. When was the last } time you heard somebody say they got really trashed on vermouth last } night? } } Most people never even open their bottles of vermouth (unless they } need to refinish some old furniture or strip paint), following the } traditional method of using vermouth to make vodka martinis, to wit: } } Pour a large cocktail glass full of vodka. } Put in an olive. } Take a bottle of vermouth and touch it to the glass. } } Voila! A perfect vodka martini. } } You owe the Oracle a good grovel martini (spaken, not slurred) --- 978-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > talk.bizaare And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabbbrrrrrrrruuuuuuuuu! Brabrabrabrabrabra! Dada badada } boo koo koo fneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Wwwwwwooooooooooo! Doing! Ft ft ft } ft ft ft zzzzzow! Nnnnnnnrrrrrrrrgggggggglabalabalabalaba! } } You owe the Oracle grovel.profuse. --- 978-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > > i"M sTILL wAITING1111 > > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: > > } Oh, sorry, B1FF. Here you go: > } > } *** ZOT!!! *** > > Thanks. I needed that! Why did I have to wait so long? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm. Looks like trouble in the Admin department. KENDAI!! } } (Enter Kendai, the spotty Work Experience Priest) } } KENDAI: Yeah? Er...Your Bossness... } } ORACLE: I see Zadoc is still having trouble teaching you the finer } points of the pathetic subservient grovel. Never mind, I'm sure that } will come in time. Now, do you recognise this? } } (Hands Kendai a slip of paper) } } > > i"M sTILL wAITING1111 } > } > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > } > } Oh, sorry, B1FF. Here you go: } > } } > } *** ZOT!!! *** } > } > Thanks. I needed that! Why did I have to wait so long? } } KENDAI: No, never seen it before. } } ORACLE: No? } } KENDAI: No! Er..Maybe. (Oracle arches his eyebrows) Er, yeah. } } ORACLE: We pride ourselves here on a fast turnabout, boy. Remember that } "Answer in 24 hours or your gift to the Oracle back" promotion we did } last year? If you'd been around then I'd have had to send Lisa on to } the streets to procure our needs. } } (Kendai sniggers) } } ORACLE: I mean, to BEG, boy! (slap) Now, what happened here? } } KENDAI: Er..well Mr. Zadoc had me peeling spuds all day Monday. He } took down me to the pantry, showed me where the sacks of spuds were, } and told me to get peeling. I asked him what I was supposed to learn } about Priesting, spending all day peeling spuds, and he told me my job } was to do all the crappy jobs he didn't want to do. Anyway, he didn't } actually specify exactly how many spuds *needed* peeling... } } ORACLE: I think I'm getting the drift here. If I remember correctly } (and I always do, as I'm Omniscient) Monday evening we had potato soup, } followed by roast potatoes in a potato sauce and a side dish of fries. } For desert, we had pureed potato. I thought it was a little odd at the } time. So you thought you were supposed to peel every potato down there? } } KENDAI: It wasn't my fault! Mr. Zadoc never told me when to stop! } } ORACLE: You might be a moron, boy, but at least you've got time to } learn. Zadoc, unfortunately, does not have that luxury. Let me take a } wild stab in the dark here. Your next job was to sort the incoming } questions? } } KENDAI: No! Mr. Zadoc always does that! He says he has to weed out all } the Make.Money.Fast! emails. I reckon he just wants to know about the } latest porn sites spammed to the net. } } ORACLE: Ah, the cynicism of youth. Please, continue, boy. } } KENDAI: Well, Mr. Zadoc was caught ill on Monday night while sorting } though the in-tray, if you remember. He said something like, "If I ever } see another potat..Bleeaarrgghh!" just before rushing to the bathroom. } } ORACLE: And what does this have to do with a late response? } } KENDAI: Um..well..thing is, Mr. Zadoc told me that after peeling the } spuds, my next job was to make sure there was toilet paper in all the } bathrooms. And of course, on Monday night I hadn't had time to do it, } seeing as I spent all Monday afternoon peeling spuds. So he was sitting } there, having a dump when he realised there was no paper in the } bathroom. And the only bit of paper he had was an email he holding was } holding when he was caught short. } } (Oracle starts holding the email at arms length) } } KENDAI: So, my job on Tuesday, was to dry and clean the email before it } got passed to you. It wasn't pleasant, I'm telling you! } } ORACLE: At last, we get to the bottom of this little mystery. Hmm, } maybe I should rephrase that? } } (Kendai slouches out) } } So, Supplicant, I hope that provides the answer. You were probably } lucky to get a response at all. } } You owe the Oracle a four-pack of luxury Andrex. --- 978-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@wellesley.edu The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, I am feeling incredibly sleepy. > > Is a large lunch with no caffeine *supposed* to do this to me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, I'm afraid so. You must remember that a balanced life *must* } consist... HEY! WAKE UP! ...of conflicting foods, behavior and } substances. The Chinese have known this for centuries; how did you } think they came up with the old "sweet-and-sour" dishes? It's a } yin/yang sort of thing. } } Eating a large lunch without caffeine is... WAKE UP! ...simply asking } for trouble. Here, my child, are some balanced pairs that you should... } HEY! ...incorporate into your life: } } a large lunch / 8 cups double cappucino } } 20 cigarettes per day / 2 hours on the stationary bicycle per } day } } chocolate cake / room-temperature bitter beer } } tattoos on your forehead / ordination as an Episcopal priest } } a 2 Big Mac-a-day diet / PETA membership } } life-size Bill Clinton poster / signed by Rush Limbaugh } } drinking an entire bottle of Wild Turkey bourbon / } while driving with a State Trooper } } 4 months on the Russian space station / sense of } self-preservation } } running for President of the United States / sense of shame } } a really hot sauna / 3 feet of snow } } two rolls of duct tape... } } Oh, what's the use? } } You owe the Oracle a couch and a nice fuzzy blanket. No calls, please. --- 978-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey, ORACLE!!! Your answers stink! Why are you in this job? Did you > flunk out of Clown College??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Philistine. } } The works of the great are never appreciated in their own time. } Shakespeare was called a hack. Beethoven was a "talentless unknown." } Galois was rejected by the Academie des Sciences. Heck, people even } laughed at Ed Wood, Jr., who was one of the greatest geniuses the world } has ever known, not to mention someone who looked *very* foxy in an } Angora sweater. } } I have this job because all geniuses get employed (check it out!), just } not in ranks appropriate to their talent. (You think being the } "Internet" Oracle is cushy? Ha! Now, the Delphi Oracle -- supplicants } have to walk twenty miles over sharp rocks just to get to him, stacks } of gorgeous priestesses.... He's doing so well he's practically } retired!) } } But just you wait. One day, they will look at my work, and say, "He was } the best." } } And I dropped out. Not flunked. } } You owe the Oracle recognition. --- 978-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, highly civilized Oracle, whose mobile home resists every tornado, > > Why does Iowa have to suck so much? Is it all the hicks? Or was > it hit by the suck stick? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Did you ever consider that the person you are asking is living in Iowa } RIGHT NOW? } } I AM. Thanks a lot. } } I'm actually here to make fun of them. Look at all those yokels! } U-hyuh-hyuh! } } Why does Iowa suck? Let's take a look at a couple of } } FACTS ABOUT IOWA } } 1) Everyone lives on a farm } 2) Everyone grows corn } 3) The whole state smells like manure } } Need I say more? } } In fact, I've got gripes with all the states: } } Alabama - A joke of a coastline, and a county named "Coosa" (what the } hell is that?) } Alaska - Too cold, too many mooses, to islandy. } Arizona - I sat on a cactus once. Ever since then I've held a grudge } against any cactus-ridden state. } Arkansas - I'm not going to start liking this state until they learn } how to write words like they sound . } California - Do I really have to say? } Colorado - Too bumpy, too high. } Connecticut - To small. } Delaware - This state deprives me of the pleasure of paying my } government a seemingly random amount of money whenever I purchase } something. This means that I'm actually going to pay a round } figure, like $1, instead of one of those fun $1.03s I like to pay. } Florida - Mosquitos the size of bats, lake Okeechobee, too many keys } (Now, which one is for the front door and which one is for the CAR?) } Georgia - They held the Olympics there, and yucky foreign people came } over. } Hawaii - Too many tsunamis. } Idaho - Ever since the Mr. Potato Head craze I can't stand to even } THINK about Idaho. AAH! I'm thinking about it! STOP THE MADNESS! } Illinois - The residents get too touchy when people pronounce it as it's } spelled. } Indiana - That stupid University it has. } Iowa - See above. } Kansas - See Iowa. } Kentucky - Too odd-shaped, too many horses. } Louisiana - Too much Cajun food. } Maine - Too cold, too many lobsters. } Maryland - It gets too thin at one point for my liking. } Massachusetts - It sounds like "Mass of two shits". } Michigan - I could never like a state with its own great lake. Not to } mention that the lake looks like a you-know-what. } Minnesota - Too cold, too many lakes (10,000 to be exact). } Mississippi - Joke of a coastline, too many doubles. } Missouri - That big arch thing - what the hell is that! What a waste } and time. I also hate the fact that half of the of money people call } it Miss-ur-ee and the other half call it Miss-ur-uh. Also, why the } HELL is there a Kansas City in Missouri?? } Montana - Too many farms and badlands. } Nebraska - See Iowa. } Nevada - Too odd-shaped. } New Hampshire - I hate any state that's NEW, even though it's an old } state. That's why I will now call states without the "new". } New Jersey- See Hampshire. } New Mexico - See Jersey. } New York - See Mexico. } North Carolina - Too many little islands. } North Dakota - Too far north. Move down a little! } Ohio - Too near that damned University in Indiana. } Oklahoma - Too many tornadoes. } Oregon - Too wet. I also have a thing against lakes made by craters. } Pennsylvania - Too Amish. } Rhode Island - The fact that it's not an island. } South Carolina - One Carolina is enough. } South Dakota - One Dakota is too much! } Tennessee - I hate coutry music. } Texas - Too flat. } Vermont - Too many skiers. That's why I like to pick them off } one-by-one with my van. } Virginia - Any state that turns landfills into parks is on crack. } Washington - Shares a border with Idaho. } West Virginia - Too many hicks. } Wisconsin - Too much cheese, and therefore WAY too much mold. } Wyoming - Too square. } } There you have it, the Oracle's complete feelings about every state. } You owe me 50 nuclear bombs. --- 978-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have here in my hand a perfectly ordinary deck of playing cards. > Please avail yourself of a completely free choice of any card. Have > good look at it -- don't let me see it now! -- and show it to your > neighbor. Good. Do you know what your card is? Excellent. Please > replace the card in the pack -- anywhere is fine, in fact why don't > you just give these cards a good shuffle. Now, watch carefully -- no > false moves, nothing up my sleeves... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle gazes upon the supplicant with disbelief. } } "But that trick never works!" } } You owe the Oracle moose and squirrel.