From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Thu Mar 26 00:10:31 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.16) id AAA24170; Thu, 26 Mar 1998 00:10:31 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 26 Mar 1998 00:10:31 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199803260510.AAA24170@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #998 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 998 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #998 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 26 Mar 1998 00:10:31 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 998 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 993 96 votes advtd 8kDk9 6qCj7 hjlta benpn drzi3 hytd3 4lzu6 4rAja 8qAn3 993 3.0 mean 3.2 3.0 2.9 3.0 3.4 2.7 2.5 3.1 3.0 2.9 --- 998-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mr Og, we've all ready your CV, could you please explain to the > selection panel why you believe that you are a suitable candidate for > the Yellow Cab taxi company? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Og float like butterfly. Og sting like bee. Og not speak English. Og } not know way around. Og have no sense for direction. Og not know how } to make change. This make Og perfect cab driver. } } You owe Og copy of "Complete Oi! Shakespeare" --- 998-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Mighty and Wonderous Oracle, who has yet to need the infamous > WonderBra. > > What does one to say to the ones that they have nothing to say to? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } --- 998-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most intuitive, who understands the value of a packet of Tim > Tams that never runs out: > > I refer you to a quote from the song, "New York, New York": > "If I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere" > > What exactly was he intending to make in New York? Was it legal? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Happiness. And not in New York. } } You owe the Oracle a subway token and some cab-driver beads. --- 998-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wise Oracle, thou for whom no mighty redwood would be too heavy to > hurl as a primitive intercontinental ballistic missile. > > Oracle, we all know that the woodchuck question is so old hat, that an > instant ZOT is the rightful response to anyone who asks it. But, surely > there must have been a first time that the question was asked. Looking > at it objectively, it is a pretty funny question. So, what was your > reaction the first time that it was asked? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Abject horror. } } You forget, I'm omniscient. I *knew* I would receive thousands, if } not millions, of copies of the Woodchuck Question during my tenure on } the Internet. Now I view the arrival of another Woodchuck Question } with the sort of detached resignation that one might feel towards news } of another inevitable Microsoft acquisition: it happened, it's going } to keep on happening, and nothing short of a nuclear weapon will keep } it from happening. } } Normally I'd you for even asking a question remotely connected } to the dreaded Woodchuck Question, but I've switched to decaf and feel } much more mellow... --- 998-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Julianna? Julianna Avedon? This is your father speaking? Julianna, > we've been worried about you joining this 'Internet Oracle' cult. > Julianna, we love you and only want what is best for you. Julianna, > we've got a nice man who was recommended to us and can help you. > Julianna, no, don't hang up. Please, we're your *parents*, we *love* > you. We would never do anything against you our most darling daughter. > Julianna, you must understand, this 'Internet Oracle' is not the > all-seeing all-knowning being that you believe him to be. Julianna, you > must believe us, he's an evil scheming man and he his controlling your > mind. Julianna, we don't ask you to leave the cult, we only ask you to > talk to this nice man. Just for one day, could you just come home for > one day. One day, that's all we ask for and we promise we'll let you go > back to The Internet Oracle if you still feel you want to. Please, > Julianna. Please.... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dad, you don't understand, Ian Davis told me all about how you want to } take me away from my friends, and I don't want to do that. Paul Kelly } said that I would be eaten alive by bright red Siamese fighting fish if } I ever leave. You really should join us, it's beautiful here. We get } up in the morning and have gruel for breakfast. Then we spend two } hours chanting, } Oh Oracle most wise, please lead us on the rhod to wisdom. } We subjugate ourselves to you. } We ask that you look past our shortcomings } and not ZOT us. } We look to the priesthood in all things. } We turn our backs on the evils of society } just to serve you. } We avoid mention of the infernal Woodchuck } please don't hurt us. } And finally, we know you're not as evil scheming man who is } controlling our minds... High Priest Zadoc told us so. } } See Dad? It's right there in the chant, I'm not being mind controlled. } I wasn't brain washed, Tom Harrington (we all call him "Tom") called } it "brain dry cleaning." So you have nothing to worry about. } } Sorry, Dad, I have to go. It's Kirsten's and my shift. What? Oh, we } have to go beat our heads on the floor before the Oracle. Bye, Dad. --- 998-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey there Orrie, let's write a story together! > > I'll go first. > > "Once upon a time, there was a bright red Siamese fighting fish..." > > Your turn! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Please. You call that a beginning? Let's try this: } } MOBY DORK } } Call me Fishmeal. Some years ago--never mind how long precisely -- } having little or no sense in my head, and nothing particular to } interest me at work, I thought I would surf about a little and see the } newsgroups of the world. } } There I met up with Og, a huge man of a primitive sort who took a } liking to me and soon became so firmly attached to me that I could not } shake him even when I wanted to. We signed aboard a promising little } newsgroup known as The R.h.o.d. in search of adventure. } } And what a crew we had fallen in with! The chief mate was a lively man } named Zadoc, who drank only overpriced coffee from Seattle. Og was } delighted to find a pair of fellow spiky club carriers named Thag and } Zog. Various shady characters busied themselves, bustling back and } forth with askmes and tellmes. And a clan of dark, brooding men known } only as the Priesthood kept watch over us all. } } After a good while of surfing together, with no purpose apparent, I } asked of the good chief mate where we were bound. "We have a mission," } says he, sipping of his mocha latte, "to go where our captain decrees." } } "This lot has a captain?" says I, not a little surprised. } } "Aye," says Zadoc grimly. "Have ye not noticed the thing that } interests us all more than anything else?" } } "You must be speaking of Siamese fighting fish," I says with a chuckle. } His icy glare alerts me that it is no laughing matter. } } "Aye, and not just any Siamese fighting fish, lad," says Zadoc. "We } surf for the bright red Siamese fighting fish!" } } "Bright red!" says I. "That fish is but a legend!" } } "Nay, not a legend! I have seen it, and it is, milligram for } milligram, the fiercest creature on the planet. The captain wants --" } } But I was not to hear yet what the captain wanted, for at that moment, } he made his presence known. He was a dark and incomprehensible man, a } man feared and avoided, known only as The Oracle. With a slow and } seething stride he approached the crew, but seemed to look through us } and beyond to a far place where his unfathomable anger was focused. } } "Have ye seen the bright red Siamese fighting fish?" he called to } Zadoc. } } "N-no, captain!" cried Zadoc, suddenly subservient, his latte spilling } into his lap. } } The Oracle's face began to darken in fury, and the crew and Priesthood } recoiled in terror. As The Oracle lifted his hand, every man of us } cried out, and then, suddenly -- the cabin door burst open and a } gorgeous blonde in a pink bikini bounced down the deck to stand beside } him. } } "Oh, Orrie!" she squeals. "This is so romantic! What a wonderful } idea!" She turns to Zadoc and tweaks his ear playfully. "Mr. Zadoc, } what about that bright red Siamese fighting fish?" } } "Hmm?" says Zadoc. } } "The fish is not here!" thunders the Oracle. "The crew will continue } to search night and day, with every muscle in their blasted bodies, as } if their very lives depended on it! Now, Lisa, come with me, and we'll } we'll visit the buffet and do a little sunbathing." } } "Cool!" coos Lisa, and accompanies the Oracle back up the deck. } } "Who was that?" says I, when the cruising couple passes out of sight. } } "Hmm?" says Zadoc. "Oh! Her! That was Lisa." He says her name as if } waking from a dream. "She it was that inspired this voyage." } } "How so?" } } ... "One day, upon perusing the happenings aboard The R.h.o.d., she } heard the sad request of a small child. It seems that Alex Kelly, } whose father of course owns a very famous Siamese fighting fish, had } herself obtained a similar fish, and, in the way of young girls, } earnestly desired that hers might become even more famous than her } father's. Lisa, hearing the dream of young Alex, took it upon herself } to, er, persuade the Oracle to search for a bright red Siamese fighting } fish whose photo they might take, thus scanning it into a merry JPEG } file, which could then be posted on the Internet, whereby Alex's fish } might have its own web page, and thus, satisfy her dream (Alex's, not } the fish's) of becoming more famous than her father's fish." } } "I see!" says I, not completely certain that I did, but unwilling to } hear the tale explained in greater depth. "And that is why we now hunt } for--" } } "The bright red Siamese fighting fish!" cried the lookout. "Off the } port bow!" He waved wildly to indicate the fierce creature. } } At once the crew rushed to the gunwale to catch a glimpse. Then, as } one, our attention was drawn to the rear deck as the Oracle, wiping } suntan lotion from his hands, strode purposefully forward. As if by } magic, a space cleared from before him as he approached. Without a } word, he stood steadfast and drew slowly from its scabbard a camera } with a telephoto lens. } } "Bearings, Mr. Zadoc!" the Oracle shouted. } } "Bright red Siamese fighting fish at 280 degrees, captain! It's in } the, um, small fishbowl next to the lamp." } } Slowly, unerringly, the Oracle raised the camera, patiently focusing } and re-focusing, aligning the sights with infinite care. Time and } nature seemed to stand still as we all watched him, standing, waiting } for the perfect moment. As if it were the heart of the universe at the } very moment of creation, we watched his shutter finger close, down, } down, down until with a resounding click, the photograph was taken, and } the instant was over. } } "Get this developed," muttered the Oracle, tossing the camera to Zadoc } and turning back up the deck. "Scan it, slap it on a web page, and } make sure Lisa can find it for a couple of days. Let's get out of } here." Then, with a slam of his door, he was gone. } } "Wait a minute!" says I. "What about the foreshadowing of death and } evil? What about the heavy hand of fate? What about the final battle? } What about the ultimate defeat of the Oracle?" } } With a gasp, the others drew back from me. Before I could comprehend } what was at work, the door flew open again and I was zotted by a burst } of energy until I was no more than a crisp black spot on the deck. } Without a word, the Oracle once again closed his door, and the crew } swept my ashes overboard. And now you know why they call me Fishmeal. } } You owe the Oracle the movie rights. --- 998-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, whose brain is so large it will never > *quite* be rotted out from watching too much telly, tell me: > how *do* I learn to stop worrying and love the bomb? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As with everything in life, it's all a matter of perspective. } } You could go on worrying and hating it, but this won't do anyone } any good. Sure, you could join the protest groups, casting yourself } amongst the screaming hordes who whine and complain incessantly when } it is far too late to do anything about it. } } You could visit sites associated with this tragic element of our } modern world, gazing upon the hills of now infertile sands, shaking } your head sadly, knowing that it can never be as it was before. } } You could think about the people involved: its creators, who deserve } your scorn and disgust for their willingness to sell out to the wicked } cause that would support the project in the first place; its victims, } who may never recover from the terrifying experience. } } But all of this will do nothing, in the end, other than cause you } and everyone around you grief and pain. } } So what you must learn to do, supplicant, is rise above the hysteria } and carve your own path. } } I say, get over the bomb already! Just because Ishtar was a really, } really, bad movie, is no reason to worry about it needlessly. As for } learning to love it, well you could love it from the perspective of } being a humbling event for Dustin Hoffman, who went on to make other } great films like Rainman thereafter, perhaps inspired by this failure. } Heck, he won an Oscar for Rainman, which was right after Ishtar, } so that bomb must have inspired the subsequent great performance to } some degree. } } You owe the Oracle some popcorn. --- 998-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most logical, > > What is predicate calculus, and how might it be used as a general > solution to the Woodchuck Question? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Predicate calculus is a form of symbolic logic involving predicates. } Predicates may be viewed in several ways; some of the most useful ways } of using predicates are to indicate properties of individuals, to group } individuals into sets or classes, and to show relationships between } individuals. } } A couple of examples may help to clarify this. } } 1. The formula O(x) may be used to indicate "x is omniscient." This } is an example of using a predicate to show an individual's properties. } } 2. The formula L(x,y) may be used to indicate "x likes y." This shows } how a predicate can describe a relationship between two individuals. } Note that the order of x and y is important. L(x,y) does not } necessarily imply L(y,x). } } In these examples, O and L are the predicates, and x and y designate } individuals. In general, in predicate calculus, upper case is used for } predicates and lower case for individuals. There is one exception to } this: when referring to specific individuals, so one could write O(O) } to indicate "The Oracle is omniscient." As you can see, this can get a } little confusing, so it's best to avoid this whenever possible. } } I'm going to have some notational difficulties answering your question, } because predicate calculus uses some symbols which don't appear in the } ASCII character set. So I'm just going to have to redefine a few. } Bear with me for a few minutes. } } I shall use the operators *, +, and - to indicate AND, OR, and NOT. } The arrow for implication will be written ->. Predicate calculus also } uses an upside down A and E to represent the phrases "For all" and } "There exists". I'll write these as @ and #, respectively. The phrase } "such that" which is almost always used along with # will be } represented by a vertical bar |. Square brackets [] may be used to } group complex formulae. In the absence of brackets, the precedence of } operators is -, *, +, ->, # and @. Is that all perfectly clear? } } Actually, I'm not going to use all of those symbols. But hang on to } them anyway; you never know when they might come in handy. } } Okay, now on to the meat of your question. The following two axioms } can be used to find a solution for the Woodchuck Question: } } #o|O(o)*[@s@qA(s,o,q) * W(q) -> B(o,s)] } @o@sO(o) * B(o,s) -> Z(s) } } You owe the Oracle the complete works of Goedel, Escher, and Bach. --- 998-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, to whom all the world's a grapefruit and all the people > merely squirting in his eye, how does one ork a cow? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Timely and relevant grovel, Supplicant. But we seem to have } lost at least one letter in transmission. Hmm... let's look } at some definitions: } } Aork - Found in Dr. Seuss, meaning obscure: } "It's A-OK to Aork a cow, } The trouble is, we don't know how. " } Bork - Muppet Swedish for "cook." Yummie! } Cork - Not a good idea. Too much methane production. } Dork - Not advisiable due to beastiality laws. } Eork - Dressing cow up like a donkey. } Fork - See "Cork." (This also covers "spork"). } Gork - Traditional Dancing Russian Cow troupe. } Hork - Canadian for "to steal." (Void where prohibited by law.) } Iork - To conjugate: I Ork, You Ork, He Orks, She Orks, They Ork. } Jork - Sports Cow. a.k.a. Mascot of the Batteling Bovines. } Kork - See "Cork." It's just plain bad, I'm warning you! } Lork - Holds in the secrets of the Milk-Key-Way. (get it?) } Mork - calling Orson! Mork calling Orson! Come in, Orson! } Nork - Now, now... little Norkie never hurt anyone. } Oork - First name of cow. Credit to Og, Caveman, sat on by cow. } Pork - What do you get when you cross a pig and a cow? } A ham and cheese sandwich! } Qork - An especially aggressive capitalist cow. } Rork - Scooby Dooism for "work." Something Scooby and Shaggy } try to avoid at all costs. } Sork - Strained cow. If it's sork, it's been working too hard. } Tork - Beloved Christmas character, patterened after Peter of } the Monkees, The Little Drummer Cow. } Uork - More conjugation. See "Iork." } Vork - Vork Speed. The speed at which milk goes bad as it } approaches the expiration date. Scientific concept } found in the TV show, "Store Trek." } Work - Aerobic Milking. } Xork - Formerly Orked. } York - When I bite into a cow, I get the sensation that I'm } not a mere carnivore, but the Mighty T-REX! } Zork - What do you mean, You sold the cow for a handfull of } Magic Zorkmids? You take those right back to Infocom! } } You owe the Oracle an all-expense paid trip to Orkney, UK. --- 998-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Did you hear the one about the American, the Englishman, and the > Windows 98 support technician? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes. It's a lie. Nobody *supports* Windows 98.