From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Mon Apr 20 10:22:34 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.18) id KAA08047; Mon, 20 Apr 1998 10:22:34 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 20 Apr 1998 10:22:34 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199804201522.KAA08047@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1009 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1009 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1009 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 20 Apr 1998 10:22:34 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1009 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1004 79 votes mqjb1 gloc6 29ws8 eimfa 54kwi 6grka 9jqj6 7brp9 8cllh gapfd 1004 3.0 mean 2.3 2.6 3.4 2.9 3.7 3.2 2.9 3.2 3.3 3.0 --- 1009-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, wiser than Al Franken, funnier than John Belushi, > more co-ordinated than Chevy Chase, more with-it than Jane Curtin, > please answer my question: > > I understand that TV signalas are capaable of being picked up beyond > our atmosphere, and maybe even seen and decoded out in space. > > Does that mean, somewhere, on a planet twenty light-years from here, > that Saturday Night Live is still funny? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, the present SNL cast creates a level of humorlessness so } incredible that it turns our planet into something of a comedic black } hole. All good comedy attempting to leave is drawn into the center and } destroyed by repeats of the Cheerleading Sketch. } } You owe the Oracle Lorne's head on a pike. --- 1009-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, who is older than Mister Looper, bigger than Big Bird, and > more visible than Snuffie, for whom I am barely a felt pimple on > Grover's nose. Please tell me...why do I keep dreaming of pinball? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm kinda sorry you asked this, because it's been a riot to watch. } } Ever since your physician suggested you elevate the head of your bed } due to your pulmonary problem... well, after you go to sleep your cats } have been playing "Tommy" by the Who very softly. One of them grabs } ahold of your feet (you really should invest in a longer bed)... then } they drop mouse heads on your face. } } You, [Oracle begins to chuckle] you slap at the mouse, kinda like this, } but don't awake. Then [Oracle breaks into a laugh], then the cats } start tweaking your feet, It is SO funny, and you start flopping } around. [Oracle is openly guffawing now], and, and, they have this } complicated scoring system based on how long it takes the mouse head to } get to the foot of the bed, [Oracle begins howling] plus bonus points } for what parts of your body the mouse head hits, with a BONus 100 } points if the HEAD hits your little [Oracle is crying with laughter]. . } I can't, can't go on! Whew! Gotta catch my breath here... } Whew. . . } } You owe the Oracle the capacity for compassion. --- 1009-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Orrie, Dear Orrie, my hands are too small > I need all my fingers to Ctrl-Del-And-Alt > My front slash is backward, my at-sign's a deuce > How can I send email? I'm really confused > Siiii-iigned.... New User. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Rhyme police. Pull your mail agent to the side of the internet! } } > Ummmm, yes? } } We hear that you've been attempting humorous submissions to the } Internet Oracle, in rhyme. } } > Well, I did submit something recently, but I'm not sure what the } > problem is. } } In this email, you attempted to two rhymes, but both were disasters. } } > Ummm, well, uh, it's not really... you see... } } Don't try and lie, we've got you caught on e-mail. } } > Well, I was just trying to be funny. } } Sure, sir, sure you were. } } > After all, so many good digested answers are in rhyme. } } Yes. Did you notice something else about them. They all rhyme } well. The supplicants and incarnations in question all carefully } matched line tempo with the original work they were parodying, and } made certain that each line rhymed. And do know why? } } > Ummm, no... } } Because every time a rhyme fails, a woodchuck gets his wings. } } > Oh... I'm sorry, I didn't reali...Eh? A woodchuck? } } You really are probably better not knowing. I'm sorry, but I'm } going to have to write you a ticket. } } > Couldn't you just let me off with a warning? } } Sorry. At least you don't get a zotting this time. } } You owe the Oracle a rhyme starting with, "Because I could not } grovel to Orrie, he kindly zotted me..." --- 1009-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > how to download a file using ftp? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ahhh, FTP. FTP is one of the trickier protocols, what with that } two way connection going on. You see, you establish a connection } to the remote site, the "control connection" to request the file } from. Unfortunately, the file can't come back down that same } connection, after all, what if you wanted to request more files, abort } the download, or order a pizza from that same connection? So the other } site will open a data connection back to you for sending files down. } Clearly, this means that you need two phone lines. } } On the first phone line, call up the site you are interested in. } If you don't know the phone number, just use the IP address. Because } the phone companies run the internet, an IP address is just as good. } When you connect, ask for the file you would like. Sadly, with the } dawn of the web, many sites support for FTP has been lacking. If the } person you speak with tries to explain that this isn't how it's done, } then they're just one of the confused "new-age" sysadmins who only } know the web. Just keep insisting until they agree. } } Now the other site will call on the other phone line. It will be } your file calling. } } You owe the Oracle an equally accurate explaination of how to see a } web page using http. --- 1009-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > yo, O! what it is, homeboy! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hello, friend! I'm glad you asked! What it is is: Freebonics! } } Freebonics is a new language designed by The Internet Oracle to assist } people like you who have recently started using the Information } Superhighway through the use of a free e-mail service. By conversing } with you over this wonderful electronic medium in Freebonics rather } than techno-speak, we hope to help you quickly get your bearings in } cyberspace! Below is a basic glossary -- any time you feel confused, } just replace the Freebonics phrase with the old-fashioned English } phrase. Enjoy your free e-mail account, and surf, surf, surf! } } **NEW** Freebonics terminology English terminology } -------------------------------- } Hello...................................What the hell do you want now? } friend..................................clueless freaking newbie } I'm glad you asked......................I'm going to spear us both in } the heart if you don't quit } bothering me every 5 } seconds } assist..................................get rid of } people like you.........................clueless freaking newbies } using...................................screwing up all over } Information Superhighway................Internet } free e-mail.............................e-mail abomination } service.................................plague } conversing with.........................insulting } wonderful electronic medium.............INTERNET, stupid } techno-speak............................plain English that any normal } 8-year-old could master } quickly.................................as quickly as a dolt like you } could be expected to move } get your bearings.......................learn your pathetic place } cyberspace..............................INTERNET! INTERNET! INTERNET! } Don't you ever learn? } basic...................................simplified for your IQ level } to the point of utter } uselessness } feel confused...........................exist } Enjoy...................................I hope you choke on } account.................................infestation } surf....................................die } } You owe the Oracle somewhere else for you to surf, friend. --- 1009-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most computationally-inclined, who's harem of is guarded > by a thousand UNIX, enlighten this lowly supplicant... > > If two packets on an Ethernet network collide, and nobody's around > to hear it, is there a sound? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1. Network packets travel close to the speed of limit } } The approximate velocity of an electrical signal in twisted pair } wire is 0.9 * c. 'c' is the speed of light in a vacuum, or } in this case, an electrical signal through a theoretical } medium with zero impedance. } } This means that network packets travel at approximately 90% of } the theoretical maximum speed, or 90% of the speed of light. } - see A.S. Tanenbaum. } Computer Networks, 3rd Ed. } } 2. A network packet is to the Internet as a horse is to ________ } A> Bill Clinton } B> The Usenet Oracle } C> dung } D> the Pony Express } The answer is D>, the Pony Express. } - SAT test 1997:F1 } (English Section 2 } question #29) } } 3. A horse can run at about 35 mph. } } The theoretical maximum velocity of any object also the speed } of light, or 'c'. Therefore, the theoretical maximum velocity } of a horse in a vacuum, assuming the horse is wearing a space } suit, is also the speed of light. } } } 4. The sound made by two (2) colliding network packets going at 90% of } their theoretical maximum speed would be the same as two horses } on the Pony Express going at 90% at their theoretical limit } by the law of transitive properties. } } 5. If two horses ran into each other at high speed would have to } injured badly, and would have to be destroyed. The jockeys } wouldn't be particularly happy either. } - Pennsylvania Statutes } Title 3. Agriculture } Chapter 7. Domestic Animals } esp. Section 325. Authority to Destroy } } 7. Horse destruction is only a valid deductible business expense if } you reported a profit in your businees the previous tax year. } - IRS 1997 Tax Year Form 1040 Schedule C } IRS 1997 Tax Year Form 8582 } } 8. The Pony Express has been out of business since October 1861. } - Pony Express Quick Facts } } } Therefore, irregardless of the whether the sound of the colliding } network packets is actually created or not, there is still a $250 } discrepancy between your 1997 Tax Year withholdings and your actual } financial obligation. You must now pay an under-reported income } penalty of US $69,230,403.48 to the IRS. } } You owe the Usenet Oracle the latest IRS Tax Auditor Training Guide. --- 1009-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Julsy The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most metaphysical, who are the hip, up-and-coming, young > deities thi month? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } #5 Ambigo; } God of whatever } Family: Son of Iguessso and Noduh } Symbol: Shoulder Shrug of Apathy } Haunts: High Schools and Malls } Strengths: Can not be bothered } Weakness: No ambition, speaks in grunts } Outlook: Very Popular with under 20s } Last Month: 5 } Months on Chart: 48 } } #4 Internina; } office nymph } Family: Daughter of Sluteena, Father(s) (?) } Symbol: Big hair on field of uncrossed knee-pads } Haunts: floors of the corridors of power } Strengths: can suck a tennis ball thru a hose } Weakness: Kiss and tells } Outlook: Very Popular with over 50 males } Last month: BULLET! } Months on Chart: n/a } } #3 Dr. Zeus; } Muse of lame drivel } Family: found under a plate of green ham } Symbol: large feline in striped hat } Haunts: Day Care Centers } Strengths: Sells well } Weakness: followers speak in almost rhyming monosyllables } Outlook: Very Popular with under 4 set and their parents } Last month: 3 } Months on chart: 244 } } #2 Fund deMutal; } spirit of short term capital gains } Family: Born to two bulls(!?!) } Symbol: jagged upward arrow } Haunts: Hearts of Baby Boomers } Strengths: attracts cash } Weakness: May not be able to get up if falls } Outlook: Will be loved as long as he can keep it up } Last month: 1 } Months on chart: 17 } } #1 Lottero; } Random Number Pixie } Family: allegedly generated by a bin of bouncing balls } Symbol: constantly changing } Haunts: bars, Las Vegas, check cashing operations } Strengths: hard to pick } Weakness: followers either love or hate him } Outlook: May soon be over shadowed its siblings Offtracko } and Loansharkaria who have recently mated and } produced their own, as of yet, unnamed spawn } Last month: 2 } Months on chart: 21 } } You owe the Oracle the Good Ol' Days. --- 1009-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle Great and Wise, > > How did the Spice Girls ever get popular? Were you responsible for it > somehow? Why would you inflict such monstrosities on us? Have we > displeased you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } And God looked down upon the Earth, and was displeased. } For the Music was foolish and sophmoric. } And The Lord said "Let there be Good Music." } And there was Good Music, for a time. } } But then the Shadow came, and its name was Met'al. } And it devoured all that stood before it, with its brother } Di'sco. And they laughed at the foolish pop stars. } The Punk fought them, but was defeated in the end. } } The Shadow remained until the days of Em'Tee'Vee. And } Em'Tee'Vee was ruled in those days by a group } Known as the Br'its and Me'tal'heads. } And the Me'tal'heads were the sons of Met'al } } The Di'sco was defeated, but his brother Met'al } Remained upon the Earth, laughing hartily } At Em'Tee'Vee. And Met'al made a monster } Known as Poisen, that sucks unto this very day. } } Then the Punk returned, under a new name, } And that name was Al'tern'ive. And Al'tern'ive } Was a Shadow, as well, and dominated music } For well unto six years. } } And Al'tern'ive was cousin to a creature known } As Ra'. And Ra' begat Gan'ta, who was as } False as Met'al. And the Br'its fell from } Power, and Al'tern'ive and the Ra' laughed. } } But the Br'its summoned a clan of monsters, } Known as Sp'ice. And the Br'its sent them } Unto the Al'tern'ive and said Death shall be } Their summoning. And the Al'tern'ive died. } } But the Sp'ice were wraithful, and destroyed } Much of Music, and Hanson followed them, } And they created Havoc among the Children. } And there was no hope now of defeating them. } } And the Lord looked down, and was displeased. } And the Lord said unto the Children of Music: } "Was I not the one who brought you out of the } House of El'vis? Was I not the Lord that destroyed } } The Da've Cla'rk Fi've? And why hath ye done this?" } And the Lord sulked, and the Oracle could do nothing. } -The Second Book of Music, 32:12 --- 1009-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, whose garden has no crow or gopher problem; > > Where did we take a wrong turn? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } About a mile before the spot where the old schoolhouse used to be, } stranger. --- 1009-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, you are dextrous, ambidextrous and sinister beyond > the handiwork of mortals! > > If Al Gore were to become the next US President what would be his > administration's Top Ten Achievements? Top Ten Blunders? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That's two questions. But, sigh, here goes. } } Top 10 achievements of the Bore, I mean, Gore administration: } } 1 - Finally ends threat of Saddam Hussein by putting him to sleep with } 48 minute speech, then blasting him. } } 2 - Being the "First Internet President," he gets so fed up with spam } he orders the NSA to track down spammers so the CIA can "silence" them. } } 3 - First administration in eight years not to have a sex scandal. } (Well, if you don't count his oldest daughter's future fling with Amy } Carter.) } } 4 - Takes so many kickbacks from Buddhist priests he feels obligated to } liberate Tibet from China through economic sanctions. "We want our } Kentucky Fried Chicken," yell millions of demonstrators at Tienemen } Square. China relents. } } 5 - Surrounds Cuba with aircraft carriers following the death of Fidel } Castro -- Cuba Libre not just a "Rum and Coke" anymore. } } 6 - Finds and deports everyone who has ever appeared on the Jerry } Springer Show. America's average IQ doubles. } } 7 - Offers statehood to all Canadian provences (except Quebec) after } Quebec seceeds. Stunned when Canadians say, "Why in hell would we want } to join, eh?" } } 8 - Doesn't freak out when Florida Keys seceed (again) from the union. } } 9 - Signs popular vote into law. No more idiotic electoral college. } } 10 - Signs agreement with all nuclear nations reducing total stockpile } of warheads to 20. "That oughta be enough to vaporize the next big } comet," Gore says. } } And the 10 top blunders: } } 1 - Putting Tipper in charge of the National Endowment for the Arts. } } 2 - Calling Tiger Woods "Homey" during White House reception. } } 3 - Telling King Charles that Camilla looks like the winner of the } Kentucky Derby. } } 4 - Putting Bill Gates in charge of new Internet Infrastructure } Administration. (The IIA will be more important in the 21st century } than FEMA, the IRS, NASA and the FBI. That is, after Bill is shot by a } rabid Linux user.) } } 5 - Three words: Pardoning Bill Clinton. } } 6 - Never talks to Hillary Clinton again after the Clinton divorce and } Hillary's bombshell that she is moving in with Ellen Degeneres and Annie } Hecht. } } 7 - Takes so much money from Buddhist priests he begins wearing orange } robes during "State of Union" address. } } 8 - State of Union address lowest rated telecast ever. Exactly 11 people } watch. Congress falls asleep. Strom Thurmond chokes himself on own } necktie. (Although that should probably be listed under "achievements.") } } 9 - Re-introduces Susan B. Anthony dollar. Public STILL doesn't like it. } } 10 - Tries metric system but fails when he realizes his neighbors in } Tennessee can't handle the concept of "liters" only "fifths." } } Of course, the only reason he wins is the Republicans nominate Dan } Quayle, and Americans are too stupid to vote Libertarian. } } You owe the Oracle a third party with a snowball's chance in Key West of } winning a major election.