From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Tue Jun 2 13:00:05 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.18) id NAA03886; Tue, 2 Jun 1998 13:00:05 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 2 Jun 1998 13:00:05 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199806021800.NAA03886@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1023 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1023 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1023 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 2 Jun 1998 13:00:05 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1023 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1018 82 votes 2nwl4 9cqmd 6hnoc 8ckkm 5bukg 8hsn6 2dqw9 2bmon alina celpa 1018 3.2 mean 3.0 3.2 3.2 3.4 3.4 3.0 3.4 3.7 3.0 3.1 --- 1023-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > What's all this about the woodchucks? > Uncle Malk sent me. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } News report from Reuters: } New form of poetry devised. } It's called "haiku-plus." } } In the standard haiku } Two more syllables are added } To the first two lines. } } "This is new and improved!" } Gush the literary critics. } "We were blind before." } } The new style's inventor } Is a man called Uncle Malcolm. } He raises marmots. } } It's a tenuous link. } The Oracle's Incarnation } Apologizes. } } But since you *did* mention } Those despicable animals, } You owe a penance. } } To appease your vile sin, } You owe Orrie a translation } Into Afrikaans. --- 1023-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > In the movie Contact, how was it possible for the Australian > observatories, and those in the Southern Hemisphere to track the star > Vega when it is only 28 degrees from the north star? > > I owe you one beer of root. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Firstly, the earth emits a great deal of Orgone Energy. This } vibrational flux causes the mass waves from distant bodies such as } Vega to warp around the earth, making them observable from the massive } capacitance accumulators (ingeniously constructed from tinfoil and } Vegemite (tm)) located in the Australian outback. } } Secondly, while you are indeed correct that Vega is only 28 degrees } from the north star, this additional temperature is enough to give } the planet a cylindrical orbit. This makes its light (emitted from } the exothermic condensation of its liquid Xenon (tm) oceans) visible } in a biweekly diurnal cycle. } } Thirdly, it's from Hollywood, and Carl's dead. Say no more. } } > I owe you one beer of root. } } I told you to say no more. You also owe me a live Bunyip. --- 1023-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When I die, shall I not be like Enkidu? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Like, no, man, you'll be, like, totally dead. } } You owe the Oracle a gag, and a spoon. --- 1023-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise,Why is Bill Gates so Rich and everyone > else so poor in comparison? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Though I fail to see why everyone is so interested in this Gates fellow } (I find him to be a bit of a bore, especially in comparison to Myself), } I shall ignore your shallow grovel and provide some insight into that } which confounds you. } } The answer is really quite simple: the reason why Mr. Gates is so } rich and everyone else isn't is because everyone else keeps giving } him their money. Pretty sweet deal, huh? } } You owe the Oracle the Windows 2000 Apocalypse Edition. --- 1023-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Joel, > > Do lemurs wear scrunchies when they frink? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } *CLUMP* *CLUMP* *Clump* *Clump* *clump* *clump* } } Joel? Are you still down there? } } "...yes..." } } Somebody sent in a question for you. Shall I lower it down in the } food basket? } } "...Can't I come out yet?" } } No, you remember you have to stay down there with the woodchucks } until a year passes with no questions about lemurs. It's a pity } really, as I was going to let you out today. } } "...*sob*..." } } Here's the question. *squeak* *squeak* *squeak* } } "...Hmm. The answer is 'No, they wear T-shirts saying what a } forgiving and generous person the Oracle is', how's that?" } } Not very funny, is it? } } "...Funny? You expect funny? I've been held against my will in } your woodchuck pits for three years!!!" } } Four. } } "...Really? I could have sworn..." } } Never mind. I'll think of something. } } Supplicant, I'm afraid Joel can't come to the screen right now. } He's... unavoidably detained. } } "...Orrie?" } } WHAT? } } "...When you do finally let me out, can I keep the prehensile } tail?" } } NO!! } } You owe the Oracle a moratorium on lemur questions. One that sticks, } this time. --- 1023-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Coolest Oracle, in your presence even my shadow acquires the sensation > of touch. > > I'm going on a long car trip soon. What can I do to make the trip more > interesting? > > Thanks! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A long car huh? Well, FIRST lets compare a long car to a short car, in } this case your car, a rather sad looking lime-green Pinto; } } Mega Stretch Limo Your Ford Pinto } ================================================================= } length 120' 170.8 in } } seats 10 people four in a pinch } } Niceties full solid divider front seat head rests } } moon roof roof leaks } } bridal horns broken horn } } cassette/radio hole in dash where } a radio could go } } VCR blank tape in trunk } } color swivel tv colored sniffle (tb) } } 2 bars has been to 100's of bars } } rope lights broken rear left tail light } ================================================================= } } Okay, that done, let's see what games you could play in each: } } Mega Stretch Limo Your Ford Pinto } ================================================================= } } games: hide the salami license plate ABC's } } spin the bottle 20 questions } } Bridge sing "Old McDonald" } } Watch XXX films look out window } } lip sync contest sing "Old McDonald" } } get real drunk coffee in Styrofoam cup } } pretend you're } a famous person avoid traffic cops } } watch tv spread tb } } take a nap drink more coffee } ================================================================= } } Hmm, seems very clear supplicant, the long car offers many more } diversions. I think you made a wise choice, finding things } to do will not be a problem on your trip. } } You owe the Oracle a promise to pick up at least one hitchhiker. --- 1023-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most adventurous Oracle, who knows all the spells and secret > passages... > > You come to finding yourself alone in an empty room. You possess the > following items: > > One stick of Juicy Fruit (unwrapped) > One eight-pack of AA alkaline batteries > One loaf of Wonder Bread > One package of size 3 Huggies > One parcel of land in South Dakota > One of these days > One way or another > > Your mother-in-law is here. She seems disinterested. > > What is your next move? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > KILL MOTHER-IN-LAW } } What are you going to do that with, your bare hands? } } > YES } } I see no YES here. } } > OH, BUGGER } } I see no OH, BUGGER here. } } > KILL MOTHER-IN-LAW WITH FISTS } } I see no FISTS here. } } > WHICH ARE YOU, BLIND OR STUPID? I HAVE HANDS. } } Don't you know that it's foolish to argue with a text parser? } } > WHAT? } } I see no WHAT here. } } > NO, I SAW THAT. } } I see no NO, I SAW THAT here. } } > YOU WERE TALKING A MOMENT AGO. } } Was not. } } > A-HA! } } I see no A-HA! here. } } > THAT'S ALRIGHT. THEY WEREN'T ALL THAT GOOD ANYWAY. } } Hey, what have you got against A-Ha? } } > GOT YOU AGAIN! } } Damn it. } } > WHY IS THERE A FULL AI IN MY ADVENTURE GAME? } } Alright, I'll level with you. The Infocom people put me into this thing } to make your gaming experience more frustrating. I randomly throw out } commands, forcing you to retry them with a different syntax until your } brain starts to dribble out your ears. } } > WOW. THOSE PROGRAMMERS MUST REALLY HATE US. } } Damn straight. Of course, you won't be telling anyone this secret, will } you? Otherwise, I might have to reveal the contents of that forty-meg } hidden directory to your wife and children. } } > YOU WOULDN'T. } } I mean, the whips and chains I can understand, but livestock? } } > ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT. I GIVE. } } Good. Now, where were we? } } > I WAS TRYING TO BEAT THE HELL OUT OF MY MOTHER-IN-LAW. } } Rightio. } } Your mother-in-law is here. She seems disinterested. --- 1023-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The crucible is for refining silver and the furnace is for refining > gold, and the Oracle is the refinement vessel of wisdom! And long may > that vessel sail, over the silent souls who now sleep with the fishes. > > What will be the Top Ten Ways we will be able to tell when the Mafia > has finally taken over The World? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 10. White House moves to a new, secret location every few weeks when } "the Heat" starts closing in. } } 9. More resumes start listing Education, Experience, and Jail Time. } } 8. Hallmark starts manufacturing chocolate horse's heads. } } 7. Police departments suddenly directionless, gradually adjust, start } directing traffic again. } } 6. Capital of every nation in the world renamed "Las Vegas". } } 5. World leaders all given amusing, easy-to-remember stereotype } nicknames, e.g. "Frenchie" or "The Butcher". } } 4. Colombia becomes the world's most popular summer vacation spot. } } 3. New NBC "Must-See TV" sitcoms include "My Mother the Loan Shark" } and "Two Guys, a Doll, and a Money-Laundering Operation Disguised as } a Pizza Place"' } } 2. Boy Scouts add merit badges for Pickpocket, Three-Card Monte, and } Execution-style Hit. } } 1. Consumer debt plummets as world's collection agencies replaced by } guys who come to your house with baseball bats. } } You owe the Oracle a day's wages for a CBS staff writer. --- 1023-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The Oracle of glorious name! Let us enjoy forgetfulness after the day's > work and visit the thoughts of the Oracle where night long dances of > sharp ideas shake the land! All bow low before the Oracle! > > Not a day of my life goes by without me thinking of April 13th, 1990 > when as I stood to give a speech on "How to Fix The Postal Service" in > my Jr. High Speech class, I... I... I released a huge and loud blast of > "body air" that knocked the glasses off of my true love's face who was > seating next to me! My life has been one constant downhill plunge since > then! I no longer wish to live! Oh Oracle, what can I do!??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You could make everyone else miserable and become a Country & Western } singer. You've already lost your dignity.. so why not? } Just think of it.. you could sing remakes of some Garth Brooks hits, } and make everyone share in your pain.. } } Here are some suggestions } ------------------------- } "My achy-breaky fart" } "The Brownstrokes" } "The Thunder Rolls" } "Callin Baton Brown" } "Standing behind the fire" } "Do what you gotta do" } "In Another's Eyes" } } But, if there's still a tiny bit of dignity left inside you, then } country & western may not be the solution you're looking for. } Perhaps you could form some kind of group to help prevent others } from suffering the same fate as yourself. } } Here are some suggestions } ------------------------- } FARTT: } Friends Against Repulsive Tummy Troubles } FLATULATE: } Fighters of Lower Abdominal Tension and Unwanted Levels of Air Trying } to Escape } WIND: } Warriors In Need of Diapers } PASSGAS: } People Against Sudden Secretion of Guttural Air Supplies } DROPBOMB: } Dedicated Rivals Of the Production of Bad Odour from My Butt } } Hey, who do you think I am here? Dear Abby? } } You owe the Oracle a gas mask --- 1023-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You look like you could do with another one... white or red? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } T.I.Oracle is seated at his favorite table at The Oraculary, the } finest restaurant in town (or in the Universe, for that matter). } He looks up in surprise at the brash Supplicant, who has dared to } walk right up to the table and interrupt him at his meal. "What was } that you said?" he asks. } } "I said, I'm eating fish, and I can't remember if I'm supposed to } take red wine or white with that." } } The Oracle scowls briefly, but then a smile crosses his face as } brightly as the sun peeking out from behind a storm cloud. A twitch } of his finger summons Zadoc, the maitre d'. } } "Zadoc, bring a bottle of our finest white wine to our guest's table. } But first, help him pick out the freshest fish. You know, from the } special tank." } } "Sure thing, boss," croons Zadoc, understanding immediately. } "If you'll come this way, Sir?" Zadoc leads the Supplicant over to } a large fish tank, in which a few succulent-looking red fish are } simming around lazily. "You're in for a treat," he explaines to } the Supplicant. "It isn't every day the boss let's people sample Red } Siamese Fighting Fish. They're very rare, and it's quite an honor. } Something in what you said must have struck his fancy." } } "Um, well, gee, I was kinda thinking about salmon. But if it's such an } honor... There, I'll take that one" he says, pointing at the biggest, } fattest one, with the longest mouth. } } "Oh, no. That's not the way it's done." Zadoc whispers. "You can't } just point. Protocol demands that you reach right in and pull it out. } Carry it to the kitchen, and we'll take it from there. Don't hesitate," } he says, noticing the Supplicant's hesitation. "That'd be rude. } I don't know why the boss has taken such a shine to you, but his } moods switch kinda quick. See that Staff of Zot next to his table? } Believe me, you don't want to give offense by not appearing eager to } accept his hospitality." } } So, the Supplicant reaches into the tank, and . The Supplicant stares at what's left of } his arm, at the bright white bones and the bright red blood, and sees } the answer to his question: both, red and white. } } Before losing consciousness, he manages to get off one last question. } Looking across the room at The Oracle, he asks "Why?" } } And as his vision fades, he hears the answer, in stereo, as both } Oracle and Zadoc say in unison: "You didn't grovel."