From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Fri Jun 5 12:30:42 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.18) id MAA26873; Fri, 5 Jun 1998 12:30:42 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 5 Jun 1998 12:30:42 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199806051730.MAA26873@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1024 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1024 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1024 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 5 Jun 1998 12:30:42 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1024 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1019 94 votes b6ssl 6hxt9 6zE94 fzra7 aHkg5 bnsp7 cvBb3 dzte3 7hFl8 29pGg 1019 2.9 mean 3.4 3.2 2.7 2.6 2.6 2.9 2.6 2.6 3.1 3.6 --- 1024-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wisest of the wise, wiser than a really really smart > person and smarter than a really really wise person, who has more > wisdom in his short hairs than he knows what to do with, please answer > me this question: > > In old-time monster movies, whenever a rampaging mob gets together to > lynch the monster, I can understand the ones who carry torches, I can > understand the ones who carry knives, I can understand the ones who > carry guns, I can understand the ones who carry pitchforks even, but > what's up with the ones carrying rakes around? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } These are the ones who are too intelligent to get into direct } confrontation with the monster. The plan is to chase after the monster } with the mob, but stay towards the back, so that you are not one of the } ones who is eaten in the first clash. Then, when everyone panics, you } cleverly throw your rake on the ground with the prongs sticking upward } in the monster's path, and run away with the rest of the mob. The } monster will chase you, and step on the prongs, causing the rake to } flip up, bonk the monster on the head, and render it unconscious. } } That is the plan anyway. Usually all they accomplish is throwing down } the rake and running away. } } You owe the Oracle a monster movie about an animate pile of fallen } leaves that goes around and messes up people's lawns. --- 1024-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O most wonderfully enlightened an tolerant oracle, can you help me? > > I have been selling tickets for the Spice Girls concerts, but now we > are a girl short. > > Is there any chance that we could borrow Lisa? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Normally the answer would be yes, but Lisa just signed with a major } recording artist, so she's not available. There are some other options, } though: } } Richard Branson - Beardy Spice } Tinky Winky - Telespice } Chris Evans - Ginger Spice Mk II } Gary Kasparov - Chess Spice } William Shatner - Spice: the final frontier } Bill Gates - Press Spice to continue } Flipper - Deep Spice } Spike Milligan - Old Spice } Roger Moore - The Spice who loved me } } You owe the Oracle a set of earplugs. --- 1024-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: clemenr@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Usenet Oracle, who also has the lesser distinction of > being the internet oracle, > > I was over in comp.risks reading about the > "You are now in France" attack, but my connection dropped before I > could understand what it was. > > Can you explain the "You are now in France" attack? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant, you were very lucky. } } The 'You are now in France' attack is in fact a Trojan horse which } entices unsuspecting web users to a specific URL before spamming } five hundred people from your mail program, displaying awful jokes } in French on your screen, trashing your hard drive to the sound of } the French national anthem and then causing your entire system to } self destruct and emit the unmistakable aroma of garlic. } } Other versions include: } } 'You are now a German tourist' where your system remains unusable } after 7am because a picture of a beach towel is permanently } displayed on your monitor. } } 'You are now a Chinese student' where you must perform any } instruction on screen otherwise a tank emerges from your floppy } drive slot and chases you round the room. } } 'You are now in England' where the screen displays messages such } as 'Please queue in an orderly fashion','Nice weather we're having } isn't it?','I say! Top hole, old bean!' and 'Roll out the barrel! } Strike a light, mate! Wotcha guv'nor! Up the apples and pears } darlin'. etc. } } and 'You are now in an Italian car' where your system - when you } can get it started - screams along at an incredible rate before } the internal wiring shorts out and the casing rusts away. } } So you see, supplicant you were extremely fortunate indeed. I } would suggest you steer clear of comp.risks for a while. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the Trojan horse 'You are locked in } an hotel room with all the Baywatch babes'. --- 1024-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Most Wise; > > I read that the USA used 648,000,000 tons of coke to make steel in > 1975. Wow! I had no idea how important soda was to my nation's > industrial output! Are any other soft-drinks used by industry? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You misunderstood the report, supplicant; they were referring to } _cocaine_, not Coke. Many other drugs are used in ways you might not } expect--acid is used in making etchings, cattle barons rely on grass } for their animals to graze on, and most every movie features an actress } playing some sort of heroin. } } Despite your misinterpretation, soda is, in fact, also used in } industry. For instance, the computer screen you're reading this on is } made up of lots of tiny Sprites. } } You owe the Oracle a six-pack of ginger beer. --- 1024-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Willie poisoned his father's tea; > Father died in agony. > Mother came, and looked quite vexed: > "Really, Will," she said, "What next?" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Willy smiled and kissed his mum } Told her not to be so glum } you never really liked him much } and a lawyer would have cost us such } } This way you are free of him } and you can marry uncle Tim } Your face tells me that I am right } to guess where you both were last night } } So, quiet Mum, don't start to fret } There is no test invented yet } can tell this from a simple stroke } caused by the brand he used to smoke } } So get Tim on the phone and tell } him to bring wine and chocs as well } but don't wait up for I shall be } talking to a drug company } } You owe the Oracle some cyanide, strawberry flavour. --- 1024-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: clemenr@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most marvellously masterful Oracle, pray manifest your magnificent > magnanimity my way and answer my one and only pitiful question - > > How many Oracular priests does it take to change a lightbulb? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } None. They just look at the light bulbs that suplicants change and } decide which ones are the best. } } You don't owe the oracle photos of all the light bulbs you've changed } recently. --- 1024-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Most Wise; > > Please share with us a brief synopsis of World War IV. > > Thank you. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Right. } } Well, World War IV will not be a nice war, that's for sure. It breaks } down like this: } } The Quite Large War, as it will be named, may be traced back to } events in (surprise, surprise) Germany. In the year 2015, the fears } of the German police are shown to be true by a sudden and remarkably } bloodless coup d'etat by Fifth Master Kraus, the leader of the local } Scientology chapter. The Krausian government rules for a total of } five days, before being squashed by militant soccer fans enraged by } the German team's loss against Macedonia in a friendly game. } } The Football Revolt in Germany serves as a source of great inspiration } to the British Republic's New Hooligan Movement, the leaders of which, } following the example set by their continental counterparts, throw } Britain into a rather violent civil war. Two years later, order is } restored under the rule and covenant of Lord Protector Paul Gascoigne. } The Lord Protector, citing an obscure document later found to be } written by himself, declares that Britain now is at war with Brasil, } allegedly to "take back what is rightfully ours". (Actually, he wanted } to reclaim the Falkland Islands, an archipelago under *Argentinian* } rule.) The next day, Britain surprises the world by invading Holland. } } In the months that follow, British troops effortlessly secure their } grip on the Dutch, and the Germans accidentally invade France (a } long and embarassing story involving a group of drunken recruits, an } armoured tank and a perhaps _too_ panicky French supreme commander). } However, the fragile peace in Western Europe is shattered as the } Russian President Yeltsin decides that he should ensure *another* } reelection by invading Poland. Unfortunately, the Russians have old } maps, and grab quite a bit of Germany in the process. In an unprecedent } alliance, the "Soccer Three" (Italy, Germany and England) go to war } against Russia. After months of talk, the nations decide that the war } will be fought in India, to "ease the stress on the people of Europe". } } Naturally, the Indians are not pleased at this decision, while their } Pakistiani neighbours are overjoyed. In a fit of rage, the Indians } let loose their fearsome Agni Nuclear Missiles, intending to destroy } the cities of Rome, London, Berlin and Moscow. However, due to some } faulty programming all the Missiles do are cross the border into } China, fly perhaps three hundred meters and then fall to the ground } with a "clankety-clank-puff-bonk" sound. To keep China out of India, } and "out of the playing field", as it were, Russia invades the region } of Manchuria. } } Some years of fighting ensue. Fortunately, due to the new and improved } Geneva Conventions passed after WWIII (affectionately known as "the } Big Bang") conventional weapons are no longer as lethal as they used } to be. Nuclear Weapons may be, but the Indians were the first to } use them since the Big Bang. Casualties are at an all-time low, but } tempers flare as high as ever. In an effort to join the fray, Nigeria } and Brasil send a joint fleet of a thousand ships to the Indian Sea. } } Then, in 2020, the thirty United States of America get into the } action. [For an explanation of the number of states, I refer you } to my excellent synopsis of "The Big Bang", also known as WWIII.] } Seeing a need for decisive action (and being heavily sponsored by CNN) } , President Perot decides to send the most fearsome force ever seen } on the face of the Earth to India. He sends one man. One. Single. Man. } } In less than a year, all hostilities in India are halted. Having had } the fear of God put in them by a true protector of Democracy, all the } armies go home to their respective nations and promise to never do } such a foolish thing again. Russia withdraws its troops from Manchuria, } and France and Holland are freed. Peace and tranquility are restored. } For an encore, Vice President Schwarzenegger drops by Vietnam and } surprises the hell out of those guys. } } You owe the Oracle an apple pie. --- 1024-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: clemenr@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > jmmmmm vv mkyyyyyyhklll And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You know it's not bad when you fall asleep on the keyboard, but when } you start to drool .... *shudder* --- 1024-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ba Wheep Gra Na Wheep Ninny-bong? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, this isn't a previously unannounced side-effect. This is what } happens when you put the Viagra on the same shelf as the dog } anti-depressants. They're both little blue pills - you should really } have seen this one coming (if you'll pardon the expression). } } The effects should be wearing off by now, but I think your lady friend } is pretty traumatised by the whole experience. And her stockings are } ruined. } } You owe the Oracle a collar and leash. --- 1024-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle with an IQ higher than the number of cents in Bill Gates' > fortune, Oracle who's smelly socks I am not even worthy to contemplate, > Oracle most wise in all aspects of life (except for spelling); > > Why is "humour" spelt wrong in "rec.humor.oracle"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I think another incarnation would say "EAT FLAMING DEATH, BRITISH } IMPERIALISTIC SCUM!!!", but I'll let that go. } } Technichally, the spelling is the American spelling; like all Usenet } newsfroups. } } You owe the Oracle Manchester.