From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Tue Oct 20 08:19:35 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.19) id IAA12174; Tue, 20 Oct 1998 08:19:35 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 20 Oct 1998 08:19:35 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199810201319.IAA12174@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1057 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1057 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1057 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 20 Oct 1998 08:19:35 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1057 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1052 81 votes 9ksh7 dppc6 7myd5 6onm6 2dtne 2ouk5 59eto 1kyi8 4ebjx 5jkmf 1052 3.2 mean 2.9 2.7 2.8 3.0 3.4 3.0 3.7 3.1 3.8 3.3 --- 1057-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most recondite, brighten my phosphors and my ignorance: > what is the difference between a zeugma and a syllepsis? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It would not be moral for me to tell you, but I will show you } the relevant section of the test you are frantically studying for: } } POETRY APPRECIATION 101 } Final Exam } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } Section 1, Vocabulary: } } Select the answer which corresponds to the _best_ definition of } each word or phrase. Each correct answer is worth 5 points. } } 1. iambic pentameter } (A) A system, developed by William F. Iamb, of representing } five-dimensional objects } (B) The volume of wood a woodchuck would chuck if a woodchuck } could chuck wood. } (C) A traditional style of Greek architecture } } 2. zeugma } (A) An ancient Roman city, located on the river Euphrates } (B) Zeus' younger sister } (C) German slang for "testicle" } } 3. ellipsis } (A) An elongated circle } (B) A secret marriage } (C) A token indicating that a function takes a variable number of } arguments } } 4. prothalamium } (A) A yellowish-white element of the Lanthanide series } (B) A symmetrical 18-sided figure, commonly used a layout for } Buddhist temples } (C) A protrusion from the wall of the stomach } } 5. syllepsis } (A) A logical argument in which at least two premises are false } (B) The Syllepsis Vallis, landing site of the next Mars mission } (C) An infection of the brain which causes its victims to send } inane questions to The Internet Oracle. } } 6. oxymoron } (A) Microsoft Works(tm) version 8.0 } (B) A typical Internet Oracle supplicant. } (C) A subatomic particle formed when a tachyon collides with a } gluon } } 7. sestina } (A) A highly poisonous snake of South America } (B) A traditional Italian sauce } (C) A festival commemorating the end of a 150-year cycle } } 8. amphibrach } (A) Latin word meaning "woodchuck" } (B) A formerly top-secret military vehicle } (C) A class of animal that is both tree-dwelling and aquatic } } 9. mimesis } (A) A person who hates mimes } (B) A plant bearing small, globular flowers } (C) A self-replicating idea, or "thought virus" } } 10. prosopopeia } (A) A photosynthetic, fresh-water protozoan } (B) A newly discovered species of lemur } (C) Ancient Greek goddess of fire. } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } } You owe the Oracle the answers to the exam. --- 1057-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > >NEW!!! SPILWINEX ALL PURPOSE SHOWER CLEANER!!! Destroys all forms > >of anything remotely dirty in your shower... ....maybe even YOU!!! > > Dear Newsnet Oracle, > > Wishing to surprise Baroness Blackmoor (it is our anniversary on > Tuesday), I purchased a sachet of the aforementioned cleaning product > in the hope of restoring the master bathroom to some semblance of > its original beauty and sophistication. > > Following the instructions on the packet, I donned a pair of diving > gloves, and mixed the contents with two gallons of ammonia, before > retiring to the billiards room leaving the mixture to bubble and > fester. > > Imagine my surprise when returning from my brief sojourn to discover > that several of the little baronettes had used the brew to fill their > water pistols, and were cheerily re-enacting some of the more notable > battles from the Boer war in the vegetable garden. > > By the time I had located a suitable walking cane with which to berate > the little blighters, and exited the house via the back stairs and > kitchens, the vegetable garden had been replaced by an enormous crater. > Two of the little baronettes were clinging precariously to a corner of > the potting shed on one edge, and a third had scrambled to the safety > of the gazebo. The whereabouts of the remaining children, however, > was indicated only by a rapidly receding wailing sound as the crater > presumably continued its descent into the depths of the earth. > > Now, a couple of questions for you, if I may be so bold. I know your > time is valuable, and I should be limited to only one question, but > these two are interlinked, and one as omniscient as yourself should > have no trouble in knocking them off before tiffin: > > Firstly, how on earth do I go about retrieving the lost ones from their > unexpected subterrannean adventure? Personally I'm not too bothered > about getting the children back, there's plenty more where they > came from (Baroness Blackmoor is rather attached to them though, > and even knows some of their names, so she's bound to be a little > upset when she gets home). No, more to my interest, is regaining > the prize marrows I was intending to display at next weeks show. > Heaven knows what state they'll be in. > > Secondly, am I in any danger from this large pit, so worryingly close > to the house? If this stuff keeps dissolving the dirt away, theh > crater may become a volcano, and spit lumps of basilisk or gobs of > molten vulva at me as I take my morning constitutional. What am I to > do about it all? Any suggestions that can restore the status quo before > the Baroness returns from her bridge club would be doubly welcome. > > Yours sincerely, > Horatio Blackmoor (Baron). And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Your Grace, } } Baron, Baron, Baron, how many times do I have to tell you? } The aristocracy is congenitally unsuited to doing household chores. } You'll always end up with disasters of this kind. In future, leave } it to Perkins. } } Oh, Perkins handed in his notice six months ago, did he? As a result } of the little baronettes spiking his eggnog with Viagra? Yes, I can } see how that could create something of an uncomfortable situation. } The only thing one wants stiff in a butler is his upper lip. } } Look, I've got a lot on here just now, Baron, so I don't have time } to pop over to the Old Country and clear up your little difficulty } for you. But don't worry, I've contacted a couple of excellent } fellows who are experts at dealing with this kind of situation. } They should be there any minute... Ah, that sounds like them now. } } } "Evenin', squire! My name's 'Arry, an' this 'ere's me partner Syd. } Say 'ello ter 'is nibs, Syd." } } "Wotcher, yer 'onnerable worshipfulness." } } "That's right, Syd, lay it on wiv a trowel, why dontcher?" } } "I was just tuggin' the old forelock, 'Arry. Yer got to do that wiv } nobs, dontcher?" } } "If yer says so. Nah lissen up, yer Baronetcy. I been 'earing from } me old mucker the Hinternet Horicle that yer got yerself a bit of } Barney Rubble wiv a big 'ole in yer allotment wot is - an' I quote - } spoowin' up lumps of barsilisk an' gobs of molten vulver." } } "Can we say gobs of molten vulver in a fam'ly noosgroup, 'Arry?" } } "It's a jam jar, innit?" } } "Nah, that's a Volver. I fink a vulver is sumfink rude." } } "Well, we can edit it aht after. Anyway, yer dukedom, dontcher worry } yer inbred little Uncle Ned abaht that there 'ole. It's 'ist'ry. } It's already sorted." } } "Already sorted? We hain't even started fillin' it in yet, 'Arry!" } } "Oo said anyfink abaht fillin' it in? I sold it, dinni?" } } "Don't be doolally! Oo'd be daft enough ter buy an 'ole wot just } keeps gettin' bigger?" } } "Sellerfield, that's oo." } } "Wot? That noocleyer power plant fing?" } } "The same. They dumps all their radieractive waste in our 'ole, then } they fills it up wiv concrete. An' then they pays us! 'Ow's abaht } that fer a bit of cushty, ey?" } } "That's brilliant, 'Arry!" } } "I hamaze meself, sumtimes." } } "Wait, it's not gonner work. Wot abaht them little barrernettes? } They'll be stuck dahn the bottom of miles of radieractive gunk an' } concrete." } } "I thort of that." } } "Yer thort of a way ter get the tiny toff tots aht?" } } "Nah, I thort of gettin' sum replacements. So I rahnded up sum of the } hurchins 'angin' rahnd our street in East Cheapside. They're ahtside } in the van." } } "Oi! Me little Albert's in the van. 'Er indoors'll kill me if I lets } yer give away our little Albert!" } } "Oo said anyfink abaht givin' 'im away? 'Is lordship 'ere's 'andin' } over a parcel of lolly fer 'im, aintcher guv? An' yer tells the } trouble an' strife yer sent Albert away ter get a proper heducation. } 'E'll prolly go ter 'Arrow or Heton, meet that Prince 'Arry wot they } named after me, come back all snooty an' lardidar." } } "Them god-forbids in the van don't talk posh, 'Arry. The Barrerness'll } suss 'em straight orff!" } } "I gave 'em all 50p not ter open their traps, ever. Seen an' not } 'eard, see? Clean 'em up - not wiv that lefal shower stuff, mind! } - she'll never know the diff. No bovver! Lumme, strike a light, Syd, } but yer don't 'arf winge on at a feller sumtimes. It's a dead cert, } I tells yer." } } "Yeah, just like them dead cert inside tips yer's always gettin' } fer the 3:30 at 'Aydock." } } "Don't lissen ter 'im, yer 'ighness. 'E's 'avin' a male mennerporse, } the silly J Arfer Ranker. Nah, it's all sorted, 'cept fer the Beecham's } Pill of corse - that's the bill, case yer wond'rin'. Lessee nah - } that's one 'ole fixed up, one dozen little nippers of dahtful origin, } freedom from gobs of molten vulver..." } } "The marrers! Yer forgot the marrers, 'Arry!" } } "The marrers?" } } "See! See! I knew it wern't gonner work!" } } "Okay, so we got a bit of a prob vee-ar-vee next week's show. But, } if yer can wait till next year, yer 'onner, I can get sum unemployed } miners rahnd ter dig yer marrers up. Wiv all the radieractivity, } they'll be height feet long an' glow in the dark. Yer'll win first } prize right orff, long as yer don't let 'em eat the judges. An' } the miners can dig aht the little barrernettes at the same time - } yer missus can 'ave 'er little Albert back then, Syd." } } "But all that radieractivity'll 'ave made the little barrernettes } height feet long too, wiv 'orrible red eyes an' big, long droolin' } fangs an' fings!" } } "Just stick 'em in the 'Ouse of Lords. Oo's gonner notice in there?" } } "Yer a genius, 'Arry! Yer finks of everyfink!" } } "White man's burden, me old China. Right then, yer uppercrustitude. } 'Ere's yer replacement barrernettes - don't get too close ter 'em, } yer don't wanner catch nuffink. The blokes from Sellerfield'll start } dumpin' their 'azzerdous waste this pee-emmer, so keep indoors if } yer don't wants yer 'air ter fall out an' yer skin ter peel orff. } Tell yer old lady yer layin' the fahndations fer a croquet pitch } or sumfink. As fer wot yer owes us, I'll let the gaffer tell yer. } Come on, Syd, time we was dahn the battle crooser." } } "It's yer rahnd, 'Arry." } } "Tommy Rollocks, it is!" } } } You owe the Oracle and his subcontractors half of your winnings } at next year's vegetable show, and all of your leftover Spilwinex. } I want to see if it'll work on Bill Clinton's private life. --- 1057-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Which printer cable do I need, the cheap one or the expen$ive one? > Why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You could buy the cheap one. Of course you could. } } The rumors that the cheap printer cables will cause tiny printing } errors that will give your correspondents a vague feeling of unease and } nausea are completely untrue. As is the statement that low-end printer } cables occasionaly insert the word fnord into your documents for no } reason. } } A cheap printer cable will almost certainly not short out, causing a } massive fire that kills your loved ones. It will probably not emit } radiation that will alternate your chromosomes and make your children } come out looking like Englebert Humperdink. The pins on cheap cables } are nearly as good as the pins on more expensive ones, and only fail at } critical moments, when the balance of good and evil are at stake, } slightly more often. } } And even if your neighbors, friends, family, and the Heavenly Host } itself do laugh themselves silly when you buy it, even if the Scottish } Parliment issues a declaration naming you "a cheap bastard", even if } your daughter won't let you pay for her wedding because she's afraid } you'll buy plastic altar flowers, why should you worry about that. } You'll have saved your 3 bucks. } } You owe the Oracle the amount of your hourly rate that you spent } writing the question. --- 1057-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > WWJD? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } my sister --- 1057-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tom Brueser... > Pirsutra Consulting > http://www.pirsutra.com/ And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It'd been a hard day, working for Dennis J. Buchovecky. The horrible } hours, the tight cramped working conditions, and now this. It was the } last straw, in a long line of straws. } } It all began in 1996 when Pirsutra Technologies, a company specialising } in digital imaging acquired some shall we say ``compromising'' photos } of Lisa and myself. Who could guess that someone with a Canon EOS with } a 3200*3200 digital array and a high powered zoom (Tamrom AF 28-200mm) } was taking photos of Lisa, myself and a couple of w__d___cks doing } things that only consenting adults could do? } } The photos started to arrive in our private email, one by one, with } threats to publish them on http://www.woodchuck-sex.com. We were } terrified, imagine the consequences if these photos became public! The } Priests would revolt, and they wouldn't be the last ones. The Empire } would perish just when we were beginning to get a tight hold on the } w__d___ck eradication market, with a small side business in selling } them to subscribers of } alt.binaries.pictures.hamsters.duct-tape.gag.gag.gag. } } We had to accede to their demands, how else could we walk around town } with our heads high in the air, and not fear the name calling, and } hatred of our friends and colleagues. At least their demands were } reasonable: the total world domination of the digital imaging market. } } All was going according to plan, Dennis J. Buchovecky, President and } Director of Pirsutra was happy with our progress. We'd designed what } some would call one of the best sites on the Internet, and we'd finally } squeezed everyone but Microsoft out of the digital imaging marketplace } using a combination of daring corporate plots, corporate espionage, and } tactical assassinations. All that was left was Bill Gates of famed } Microsoft, and we'd finally got the goods on him; photos. Lots of them. } Who would have guessed that ol' William Gates was not only a cross } dresser, but also indulged in a little BDSM with none other than } Michael Jackson, Hillary Rodham Clinton, and Michael Bolton. } } I'd left the colour laser printouts of the photos on Tom Brueser's } desk so that they could be sent over to Seattle for little ol' Billy to } look at them. A copy of the images was stored on a Jaz disk in the } company safe, and another copy was stored at an undisclosed location } that even David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson would have trouble } finding. That was two days ago. } } Going into work today had been one of the happiest moments of my life. } I'd promised myself that when Dennis released us from our vile bondage } we'd go back to the Oracle business, we'd relax, and never, ever touch } another w__d___ck. } } As I walked into the office, I immediately realised something was } wrong. The receptionist (Jude) wasn't there, and neither was anyone } else. I immediately ran up to Tom's office, but everything was gone. } Everything, that is except the card, it was not a normal Pirsutra card, } the number was wrong. The people at Pirsutra don't make mistakes with } phone numbers. } } After ringing the number, I found out that the people from Pirsutra } weren't going to make any more mistakes. In fact, they weren't going to } ever do anything again. Microsoft had made an agressive merger with } Pirsutra. So agressive that the only member of Pirsutra left walking was } Smuffy, the company mascot, and he was walking with a limp. } } I had some hard decisions to make. Work for Microsoft so that Lisa and } I could continue to live the lie we'd been trapped in for the past 3 } years, or do the unthinkable. That's right, it meant turning the Wand } of ZOT on myself and Lisa, but at least we'd never work for Microsoft. } The Wand had never been turned all the way upto *VAPORISE WITH EXTREME } PREJUDICE* before, and the hum it made was truly ominous. } } Now, you too know the whole story. They are out there, and one day } they'll have you in their grip. What will you do? } } You owe the Oracle a happy Afterlife, and whatever you do, don't } upgrade to Windows 98. You only make the problem worse. --- 1057-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Monsieur Oracle, what are my chances of getting in Jennifer Love > Hewitt's pants (or up her skirt)? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } they will increase dramatically if you go to work for her dry cleaner --- 1057-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most electrically eclectic one, could you explain resistance, > capacitance, and inductance? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Engineering Student's Guide to Electricity } ------------------------------------------------------ } Resistance (R): Her lack of desire to be seen with an engineering } student. Measured in ohms, as in "Ohmy God, here come those engineers } again." } Inductance (L): Your ability to induce her to drink. Not to be confused } with power. Measured in Henrys, after Henry Winkler (he played the } Fonz, need I say more?) } Capacitance (C): Her capacity for alcohol, measured in farads, as in } "Far-a-drink, I'll stay a bit longer." } Current (I): Obviously a misspelling of currency. } Alternating current (AC): Currency that rises and falls. Typically } produced by a job that pays at regular intervals. } Direct current (DC): Currency at a constant rate. Typically produced } by wealthy parents giving you a credit card. } Voltage (V): Electric potential. Cause of personal magnetism. Useful } for getting free drinks, and for overcoming resistance (see above.) } Power (P): V*I. Your alcohol purchasing power. } Permittivity (epsilon): A number representing her likelihood of } permitting you to touch her. Can be affected by the use of different } materials. Precious metals have a high permittivity. } Dielectric breakdown: Occurs when her capacitance is overloaded. Tends } to be messy. } Impedance (Z): A complex number, described by R + i(C - L), which } represents the odds against you ever getting laid. } } With these definitions, you can now solve a second-order differential } equation involving terms of R, L, C, and varying signal input functions } of I and V, which will tell you absolutely nothing about electricity, } but will guarantee that you remain a virgin until you're 35. Besides, } the point of college is to have fun, not to worry about your grades. } You'll never get work as an engineer anyway, so why not pick a sexy } major like Business or Fine Arts? Trust me, you'll thank me later. } } You owe the Oracle a signal analysis of the electrical wiring of } downtown Manhattan, done using a slide rule and drafting pencil, } because that's how they did it in the old days. If you spill beer or } coffee on it you have to start from scratch. --- 1057-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do I bother mowing the damn lawn, when it just grows back the > next week? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, an interesting problem this one, because it is connected to a } whole bunch of other questions which mortals often ask. These are: } } Why do I bother washing the dishes when they just get dirty again? } } Why do I bother cutting my toenails when they just grow back again? } } Why do I bother tidying the house when I'm just going to mess it up } again? } } Why do I bother dry-cleaning my suits when I'll get stains over them } again? } } And I'm sure you could think of a few more. But in fact, these various } questions all have the same answer, specifically: } } My girlfriend makes me. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of PJ O'Rourke's Batchelor Home Companion. --- 1057-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > "I'll make the world a better place," > Or so I thought inside. > "I'll fight the cause of every race." > How foolish was my pride! > > I thought to say a word in private, > To turn a friend from sorrow. > But now I find, though much too late, > No friend I'll have tomorrow. > > My careful plans all went awry. > My chosen course has crumbled. > Oh, Oracle, please hear my cry: > Why did I have to stumble? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "You are gauche, my young fellow," the wise man said, } "And as sensitive as a dead roach; } Which is why all your friends pretend to be dead } When they so much as see you approach." } } "That's a lie!" cried the supplicant. "How dare you say } That I by my friends might be spurned? } When they're blue I call round and I brighten their day } With the new tasteless jokes that I've learned." } } "You are gauche," said the sage, with an ominous scowl, } "A lobotomy's twice as much fun; } So when cats and dogs see you, in terror they howl, } And from the vicinity run." } } "That's a lie!" cried the youth. "To spread jollity is } My one and my only desire; } And to watch their gay frolics is absolute bliss } When I set their tails all on fire." } } "You are gauche," said the sage, "that's all you need know -- } As caring as Hannibal Lector. } Now I've told you your answer, so get up and go; } You owe me a looney detector." } } "That's a lie!" cried the youth. "It's not me that's to blame! } It's you! It's your answers -- they suck! } Why, you don't even know -- how could you be so lame? -- } How much wood a woodchuck could chuck!" } } "You are gauche," said the Oracle, feeling quite weak, } "And I'm tired of speaking in rhyme; } You are totally clueless, you Juno Mail freak! } God, I wish you'd stop wasting my time." } } "You aren't omniscient, you senile old twit!" } Cried the youth. "Man, you're dumber than me! } Why, I don't need Juno to get on the Net -- } Not me, sir, I've got WebTV!" --- 1057-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most tropical, atypical, symmetrical and wise > I know it's true I'm less than you but please tell me no lies! > > Something strange is going on...every time I get home, my > freezer door is wide open and my computer is right next to it! > Also, (and I'm not sure if this was a dream or not) I went > downstairs in the middle of the night last night and saw > a penguin with a beer and a man wearing a red felt fedora > sitting at my kitchen table drinking and playing cards. The > lights went out as soon as they saw me, and when I turned > them back on there was nothing unusual except that my freezer > was open again! Can you tell me what's going on, and how I > can fix it before my utility bills go through the roof? > > -Eunice E. E. Supplicant And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is clear from your question, O humble supplicant, that you are one } of two things: } } 1) a Linux user who has fantasies about Linus Torvalds late at night } when nobody is around. } } 2) a hapless victim of Gates of Borg, whose foul OS is holding your } computer hostage. } } I deduce from the fact that you do not recognise the penguin and the } man in the red hat that you are most certainly not an adherent of the } Church of Torvalds--else you would have recognised St. Linux of the } Tuxedo and St. Linux of the Red Hat. This means that you have been } assimilated by the Gates. Your computer is sending a message to } you--Yea verily, you must cast out the demons of Winblows and install } the One and True Operating System (which, coincidentally, I am using). } } REPENT! REPENT! AND RIGHT-CLICK NO MORE!