From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Mon Jan 25 08:26:29 1999 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.21) id IAA29751; Mon, 25 Jan 1999 08:26:29 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 25 Jan 1999 08:26:29 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199901251326.IAA29751@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1073 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1073 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1073 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 25 Jan 1999 08:26:29 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1073 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1068 74 votes 06otf hddla 1cqs7 3dknf 6fpk8 hnmb1 9hud5 iom82 0avp8 7nx74 1068 3.0 mean 3.7 2.9 3.4 3.5 3.1 2.4 2.8 2.4 3.4 2.7 --- 1073-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle yadda yadda yadda, who is normally pretty studly but > whose last response to this question I found unhelpful so I'm asking > again, > > Should I stay in school and get my master's, or sell out and go work > somewhere for not quite a zillion dollars but a heck of a lot more than > a student typically makes? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It may be a little work, but there's no reason you can't do both. And, } in some cases, your employer may pay for a portion of the tuition if } you're working in the same field you're studying. } } Of course, you'll have to give up a few things, like, well, anything } fun. But, you'll be rolling in dough and be heading toward a master's } degree. } } Helpful enough? } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Cliff's Notes on anything by Dave Barry. --- 1073-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, great and wonderous Oracle, for whom "Meeting Joe Black" is an > unlikely experience, > > What experience have you had with death? Is it something to look > forward to, or should I be afraid? > > Many thanks, > > The Confused Supplicant And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why, friend, there's nothing to fear about Death as long as you follow } these simple guidelines. } } 1) Offer Death some candy, or a drink, or some gum. He has, after } all, just completed the long trip across the cosmic void with the sole } purpose of picking you up and making the long trip again. } } 2) Speaking of which, it IS a long trip. If you have to go to the } bathroom, go now. } } 3) If you decide to play Death at chess, do not attempt the Ruy Lopez. } He is an expert at the Marshall Attack. } } 4) If you happen to die in a group accident -- which is, of course, } another question altogether that you didn't ask -- do NOT try to get } the passenger seat by calling "shotgun." Death usually picks up his } girlfriend Tracy along the way, and of course she rides shotgun. } Asking for it can only lead to embarassment on both sides. } } 5) Remember that you're not allowed to take any earthly posessions } with you. Happily, this includes clothes, so if you can help it, plan } to die with an attractive member of the opposite sex. This can make } the trip much more enjoyable. (And don't worry about Death watching, } laughing, and making necrophilia jokes for the umpteenth time.) } } Hope this helps! } } The Oracle } } PS. You owe me $75 worth of earthly posessions. Don't sweat it. You } can't take 'em with you anyway. --- 1073-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle, immune to procrastination, bless me with your infinite > fountain of wisdom, a mere droplet of which would satisfy any man for > many lifetimes.. > > I have a temporary job which finishes tomorrow. They have not really > been watching me very closely, but tomorrow morning I have a meeting, > where I will have to talk about what I have accomplished. I haven't > done so well. In fact, I have done less than a third of what I should > have. But since tomorrow is my last day, and since they left me alone, > (even though I asked them to visit me) they can't really do much to me. > Oh Oraculous one, should I scramble to finish by tomorrow, or just > take it like a man, or do something entirely different to see that I > survive tomorrow? > > Help me, wonderous Oracle, I am frightened! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Fear not, o quivering mass of supplicant! Salivation is at hand! } } Come closer... what I'm about to tell you is limited to a } precious few in Dilbert-Land. There's a top-secret agency that exists } solely to help people like yourself out of situations exactly like } this. This agency is called... } } MESA. The Meeting Escapees Service } Agency. They operate in deep-cover mode from a secret base miles } beneath the Arizona desert, and it is believed that MESA has been } responsible for the majority of black helicopter sightings across } the country. } } To enlist their aid, send your plea 24 hours in advance to } postmaster@mouse-potato.com, with 'MESAMBIQUE' as the subject line } (notice that the address, between its words, contains the letters } MESA in proper sequence). } } The following day, minutes before the meeting, something will } happen that will cause it to be postponed or cancelled, and you may } then quietly depart with no further worries. The exact details of the } distraction can vary tremendously, and are not known outside of MESA } until the actual event, but past exploits have included: } } * Scott Adams storms in, armed with his sketchboard, and proceeds } to draw parodies of all present into his 'Dilbert' strips as the } meeting progresses. } } * The local fire department (or what appears to be the local fire } department) will crash the event and declare a safety hazard due } to multiple incendiary personalities present. They will then force } everyone to wear full-body heat protection suits. } } * The building transformer will be blown up, resulting in } a company-wide blackout. } } * An impromptu parade, featuring all the characters from 'The } Simpsons' as floats, will wind its way through the corridors of your } employer (or along the street outside if it's a small building). } } * A dozen skunks, not in the least descented, will be released } into the room at the opportune moment (should this be the tactic } chosen, you will be provided with a set of nose plugs prior to the } meeting). } } * (This one is used only in extreme cases with meetings of } thirty or more people). Hidden devices in the meeting room will shower } everyone present with what, at first sense, appears to be water. } What it will actually be is a chemical suspension containing pure } pheromone gathered from multiple female deer at the peak of their } 'receptive' cycle. } } Moments later, at least two dozen mature male elks, and five } mature male mooses, all in rut, will be released into the area } (should this be the tactic chosen, you will be provided in advance } with a protective suit to wear under your clothes. This suit will } be impregnated with anti-pheromones to counteract the spray and make } the critters leave you alone). } } MESA is very good at what they do, and I do not invoke them } lightly. However, it sounds like they will be the best way out of } your current situation. No matter what tactic is used, they guarantee } that you will be able to make your escape unscathed (although a shower } is recommended ASAP). } } You owe the Oracle a new black helicopter. A Hughes 500 series } will do nicely. --- 1073-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > So, I'm driving to work this morning, listening to Morning Edition (TM) > on NPR, when they announce that you're a "Proud sponsor of National > Public Radio." When did this happen? Did Carol finally pester you > enough? Don't get me wrong, NPR is a great institution, but I never > really thought it was your style. > > Anyway, thanks for keeping NPR on the air. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, y'know, I had to clean things up a bit. They won't let you } smoke those big stogies in the studio and cursing like a sailor is } right out as well. They told me the two call girls that I promised } could tag along had to stay outside the booth, but that's alright } since it actually boosted their revenues. } } The gig came about when Cokie called me up on my cell phone last } November and said, "Orrie, baby. My producers were wondering if you'd } like to do a little stint on NPR. You'd just have to pop in once a week } or so and tape a few segments for the week." I wasn't sure if that's } what I wanted to do with my time, since I enjoy answering questions } all day and night up on this hill. But when she mentioned the cash, } I thought "what the heck...I can upgrade the server, get some of } those Cuban stogies and still have enough left over for the girls. } Carl had nothing to do with it. She just sits around on her fat ass } all day watching Ricki Lake. Guess someone has to. } } Anyway, thanks for appreciating the segments. One day, I'll have } to give 'em a listen myself. You know, for quality control and all. } In the meantime, it's back to the daily grind of answering questions } (and my fan mail). } } You owe the Oracle a bowl of M&M's, without the green ones. --- 1073-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh everknowing oracle, knowing.. erm.. all, > > What happens if I send a slinky down an escalator going up? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, one of five things will happen: } } 1. Someone will "accidently" trip over the Slinky and sue you for } causing Pain and Suffering, earning him/herself enough money to buy } 1,000,000 Slinkies. Some of these Slinkies will then get dropped } down escalators, causing more people to trip, and a highly } profitable pyramid scheme to be started. } } 2. The Slinky will block the traffic on the escalator, and someone } will have to wait until the next day to get the Furby he/she had } planned on buying. This will cause him/her Mental Anguish, and } he/she will sue you for enough money to buy 10,000,000 Slinkies. } Some of these Slinkies will get dropped down escalators, causing } more people to either trip or become Anguished, and an even more } profitable pyramid scheme to be started. } } 3. A child will find the Slinky and attempt to swallow it. In } addition to spending time in jail for having removed the "WARNING: } Not a food item. Do not remove this tag under penalty of federal } law" label, you will be sued for Wrongful Esophagus Damage, and } the child's parents will earn enough money to purchase several of } the smaller Egyptian pyramids. } } 4. A member of the National Association of People Repressed by White } Anglo-Saxon Protestants will see the Slinky and become offended, } thinking that the Slinky/Escalator combination is an ancient Native } American symbol. He/she and his/her Indian tribe will sue you for } Offending an Easily Offended Person, and will make enough money to } drain Pyramid Lake, Nevada, and turn the resulting land into a } 500,000-room resort-casino complex. } } 5. The Slinky will remain on the escalator until in it evolves into a } sentient life form, at which point it will kill every human being } on the planet in a massive nuclear attack. The law firm of } Zoogoth, Zoogoth, Slarwslartop, and Bzornok will sue your corpse } for the Harmful Release of Hazardous Radioactive Materials, and } will end up earning enough money to reshape the Milky Way Galaxy } into a large, ugly pyramid. } } You owe the Oracle an early end to the '90s. --- 1073-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > "All wish to know, but none to pay the fee." > -- Juvenal (60-140 AD) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I guess that explains why, in so many years of doing Oracularities, } none of you cheap supplicants have ever sent me a single one of the } things I requested as a gift. } } You owe the Oracle...... ahhhh, where's the point? You'll never give } it to me. --- 1073-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, chief criminal of the ages, what is the most evil and > sinister way to earn $4.80? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Left handed gopher bashing... oh wait, that's the most } weevil and sinister way. } } Organizing a bachelor auction of senior citizens... oh wait, } that's the most evil and spinster way. } } Breaking open a vending machine with a ballista... oh wait, } that's the most medievil and sinister way. } } Polishing stairwell railings with the bubonic plague... oh wait, } that's the most evil and banister way. } } Equipping Serbian clowns with semi-automatic weapons for their } Bosnian tour... oh wait, that's the most carnival and sinister } way. } } Hmmm... I have no idea what you're talking about. } } You owe the Oracle $4.00 (plus a 20% surcharge). --- 1073-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, do you think it would be alright, if I just crashed here > tonight? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } dear Perplexed Pilot } } I would suggest you check with the passengers first. } } You owe the Oracle a signed copy of 'What Color is Your Parachute?' --- 1073-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and mighty Oracle, this has been troubling me for a while now: > > Every time I turn my head to the right, I hear a three note tune, > similar to the one that you get when you call a number that has been > disconnected. I have been to several professionals, and they can't > seem to figure it out. So please, oh Great One, tell me what is this > all about? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This means that you are doing what you know in your heart is right, } and calling out to the LORD your savior, the almighty Jesus Christ! } Only He can lead you through this world of sin and temptation, and } provide the guiding light that we *all* need from time to time! Only } He can forgive your sins, and lead you away from Satan and on to the } path to eternal happiness! } } Unfortunately, He has forgotten to pay His telephone bill, and you'll } have to try again later. Be careful not to die too soon. } } You owe the Oracle $3.95 for the first minute, and $2.95 for each } minute thereafter. --- 1073-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant > rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant > rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant > rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant > rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant > rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant > rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant > rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant > rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant > rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant > rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant > rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant > rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant > rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant > rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant > rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant > rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant > rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant > rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant > rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant > rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant > rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant > rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant > rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant > rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant > rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant > rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant > rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant > rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant > rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant > rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant > rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant > rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant > rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant > rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant > rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant > rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant > rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant > rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant > rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant > rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant > rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant > rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant > rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant > rant rant rant rant rant rant rant And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Really, 623 questions? You didn't even give a decent grovel -- } Really A Nice Tome? What exactly do you think I am, a book of some } kind? } } Because I really AM a nice omnipotent being, I have decided to answer } a few of your questions: } } #63) No, I am not Royally Against NT. } #147) Well, I am Rough And NaughTy, but that really isn't any of your } business, now is it? } #387) Red And Navy do not make Teal. } #501) Yes it is Rude to Anger Native Tomcats -- it's also somewhat } dangerous, but don't let that stop you either. } #600) Richly deserving of Antiquated Northern Tissue? -- That's gonna } be your call. I ain't following you in there -- especially after } #601 -- Ringworm Around Nether Tissues -- Try Anusol or Preparation H } mixed with Tinactin -- but consult a physician first.