From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Wed May 26 00:10:29 1999 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.28) id AAA06402; Wed, 26 May 1999 00:10:29 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 26 May 1999 00:10:29 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199905260510.AAA06402@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1097 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1097 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1097 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 26 May 1999 00:10:29 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1097 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1092 79 votes 28oza 4jGc2 8aeaB 27qsg qlgc4 2cHh5 dmpf4 7iCa6 bonh4 4llq7 1092 3.1 mean 3.5 2.9 3.7 3.6 2.3 3.1 2.7 2.9 2.7 3.1 --- 1097-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey, man, got any weed? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } For a long time now, I've had to frown } Cause I'm allright, but like the world ain't down } So I tell all you people, don't be no fool } It just don't pay to be cool. } } Just last week, cold sober I was } Looking out for that special buzz } So I went to the Oracle, "Man, got any weed?" } He said "You're welcome to anything you need." } } And I got dandelions, crabgrass, onion grass } skunkweeds and copter seeds. } } I said "No man, you got any grass?" } } "I got blue grass, green grass, spear grass, elephant } grass, lemon grass." } } I screamed, "Pot! You got any pot!" } } "I got steel pots, brass pots, cast iron, aluminum, } Analon, Teflon." } } I said "This is wack." } } And he creeped up on me, "You mean with a fist, with a } hammer, or with a ZotStaff?" } } I backed away. "Hey we're cool." } } He said, "Encased in ice, Pluto's nice, maybe liquid } nitro?" } } I started running, "I just wanna blow." } } He said, "TNT, C-4, nah I'll use the ZOT." } } ZOT. And he left. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Shel Silverstein's "It does not pay } to be Hip" played in his memory. --- 1097-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Shall I compare thee to a 'lesser than'? } Thou hast more greatness and more rolling R's. } The code, PC, not liketh lesser; can } Man disagree and yet not be an arse? } Unlike this cousin yours, by 'equal' known, } Like cream from milk, from symbols were thou skimmed. } Amongst the best, the best, you, have greater grown, } A 'lesser than' is but a K that's trimmed. } All lesser things are lost in space, in time, } All minor ones at last must come to age. } The verses around just will not rhyme } Just as the verse above could never scan. } So long as lasts a man's attention span } So long live this, and you, oh greater than. --- 1097-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > In what year did the Titanic sink? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1845, right after Abraham Lincoln was killed for freeing the Hebrews. } } This answer brought to you by America's Public Education System. } } You owe the Oracle a social promotion. --- 1097-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > unsubscribe And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Nice try. No one escapes The Internet Oracle. --- 1097-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, > > Can a home have too many clocks? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Indeed it can. There was the case of the professor at Caltech who } filled his house with clocks, attempting to show how mechanical } energy in the form of clockwork could be used for household tasks. } Unfortunately, to save time he invented a means of interlinking them } and winding them via rope. This worked until he wound them too far, } with the result that all their springs sprung loose at one time and he } entangled himself in the rope as it was being wound back onto a drum... } } So just remember - too many clocks spool the prof. } } You owe the Oracle a more obvious punch-line. --- 1097-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O luciferous Oracle, > > My son is afraid to go to school because he thinks it might be bombed > by NATO. And we live in Kansas! How can I reassure him? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I don't think you can. } } Unfortunately, he's not worried about the North Atlantic Treaty } Organization, he's worried about the Nebraska and Tennessee } Organization. It's not as well-known as the North Atlantic folks...yet. } } Nebraska and Tennessee are tired of all the other states getting all } the attention. The other states have snow-capped mountains, } sun-drenched beaches, famous historical sites, or all of the above. } But the only time anyone ever hears of Nebraska and Tennessee is during } college football season, on the Valvoline Halftime Report. } } The new NATO is soon going to begin their campaign to wipe all the } tourist attractions in other states off the map. Bombings will } certainly be a major component, but that's not all. There will be, of } course, the intentional spillage of billions of gallons of oil, enough } to foul all the miles of ocean, gulf, and even bay coastline in the } country. There's the intentional release of millions of cubic } centimeters of CFCs into the upper atmosphere, which will cause } unprecedented global warming that will keep mountains snow-free } forever. And there's even the top-secret "Project Unravel," which is } supposed to have a disastrous effect on the World's Largest Ball of } Twine. } } The good news is that unless your son's school is a tourist attraction, } he's probably safe there. But make sure you and your son never, ever } again go anywhere near any museums, monuments, amusement parks, large } shopping malls, or (and I think this goes without saying) anything } "Wizard of Oz"-related. } } Of course, the other option is to try to defeat NATO before the mayhem } starts. I think the best strategy at this point would be to create } internal dissension. Remind Nebraska that Tennessee not only has } Graceland and Opryland, they had that mutual fund commercial ten years } ago that created a catch phrase ("Tax-free in 49 states...sorry, } Tennessee!"). And remind Tennessee that Nebraska has, uh, cool state } highway markers with a covered wagon on them. } } My personal strategy is to keep a close eye for any Nebraska or } Tennessee license plates in the parking lot here at the Oracular } Temple. If necessary, I can disguise things by temporarily shutting } down the Staff of Zot ride and moving a potted plant in front of the } door to the gift shop. } } Actually, come to think of it, you owe the Oracle some new billboards } on Interstate 65: "How many tourists could a tourist attraction } attract if a tourist attraction could attract tourists? Visit the } Oracular Temple in Bloomington and find out! (NE, TN Residents: This } is NOT a tourist attraction.)" --- 1097-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > This question is intended to slow down the queue. (**** askme > merchants) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's see if it works. } } QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ } } Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q } } Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q } } Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q } } Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q } } Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q } } Yes, it slows them down. Thank you. --- 1097-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O splendiferous Oracle, who showers good furtune upon our > unworthy heads, join with me in unbrided glee at my news. > > Melrose is ending! Yes, Yes, Yes! WooHoo! fizz > Champagne's on me! In honor of this splendid occasion I wish to invite > all my friends over to celebrate the demise of this vile program. I've > got the bar fully stocked; chips, veggies, and dips are everywhere; and > I have the complete episodes of Melrose Place on tape to be ritually > burned on my barbeque grill. What am I missing? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, supplicant, celebrate. While Rome burns, play your fiddle. Pay no } attention to the man behind the curtain. And yet, how could you do } otherwise? Lacking omniscience, you have no knowledge of the events yet } to occur, the scripts that were never written. } } Realities do not just create themselves. They are created by authors in } other realities. Thus, Captain Kirk is fiction in our reality, although } he is quite real in his own. Pinky and The Brain (and others in that } reality) have never heard of *our* reality, but that does not make you } any less real. There are even some realities where I do not exist, or } where I am an act of fiction -- and yet, I am able to answer you now. } } And when authors stop writing about an alternate reality, does that } reality cease to exist? Of course not; if it did, we could not possibly } watch "Star Trek" anymore. The phrase "All too real" demonstrates the } immutable truth: just as government committees rarely dissolve, so too } do realities. Once something is real, it remains real. For the same } reason, failure to write "Melrose Place" scripts does not make the } Melrose Place reality any less real. } } However, it does make the Melrose Place reality more difficult for mere } mortals to view. Only the omniscient can see the Melrose Place future } now. Fortunately, you have written to me. Here are just a few of the } events in the future of the Melrose Place reality: } } ** After the Supreme Court rules prostitution to be a form of freedom } of expression guaranteed by the constitution, Upstairs is } converted into a whorehouse. This turns out to be a very minor } change. } } ** Kyle makes every effort to win custody of Sarah, even going so } far as to put on a clean shirt when he goes to court. The judge } recognizes the family name and instantly has a heart attack. } The case is postponed indefinitely. } } ** Sarah wins a high school Nerd Triathlon, winning two out of } three events: Math, by solving 310 times 291 in her head, and } Spelling, by remembering that there are two A's in Aaron. } } ** By the time Sarah is old enough for high-school, some of her } friends have parents who hate Aunt Terry. After a lecture on } "Guilt by association" they decide to hate Sarah too. Soon someone } announces "Get Sarah week" and the "pranks" begin. Almost all of } the "pranks" involve Sarah getting partially or completely nude in } public. The worst prank is when Sarah is blindfolded, gagged, } handcuffed to the boy's shower stalls, and stripped naked just } before football practice ends. The pranks continue until the } would-be tormentors realize that Sarah likes it! } } (By the way, this episode would have had the all-time highest } ratings of any television show ever, partly because of all the } calls to boycott the episode and the sponsors.) } } ** In a plot borrowed from "Bewitched," Michael turns in to a } zebra, and none of his friends recognize him. Just as the police } start to investigate a missing person, Michael turns back into a } human. Michael thinks that the whole thing was some weird dream. } } ** There's an epidemic of a new virus that releases sexual } inhibitions; almost everyone in the country finds themselves } unable to resist any opportunity for sex. Most of the regular } characters are soon suspected as possible "carriers" of this } disease, because their behavior is not affected. } } Guest star: Andy Griffith as the sheriff who can't keep is pants } on. "Hey, Goober." } } ** Melrose Place goes to Hawaii, for a surprise birthday party for } Ryan. For some reason, every single person that has ever been on } the show is invited. Since this occurs just before summer, the } party turns out to be a "flashback" session -- where people say } things like "oh, yeah, but remember that time you walked in on } her in the shower?" and then we flash back to scenes from that } episode. } } ** Melrose Place goes to Hawaii, part 2. Because of some of the } more titillating flashbacks at the surprise party, many of the } guests are horny. They finally decide to begin the one act that } has been building up since Season 1: They have a group sex orgy. } } Perhaps it's best that this one isn't going to be shown. Setting } camera angles to make it legal would have been a nightmare, and } some of these good-looking characters aren't nearly as } good-looking without clothes. } } You owe the Oracle a new script for E.R. --- 1097-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise Oracle, to whom any mortal endeavor is as easy as > breathing, please help with this perplexing problem. > > I'm really stuck on this word problem from my Existential Calulus > class. > > If an irrestible force was on a southbound train leaving from Boston at > 4:37pm travelling at 5,467 furlongs per fortnight, and an immovable > object was on a northbound train leaving from Atlanta at 5:15pm > travelling at (the number of angels that can dance on the head of a > pin) rods per mircomillenia answer the following questions. > > a) At what time will they crash? > b) What will be the wavefunction of the resulting cosmic paradox? > (Assume all realities are ideal.) > c) How do you feel about this tragedy? Justify. > > Now, while I could really use the above answers for class on Friday, > I'm still trying to figure out how an immovable object can travel > by train. My deepest gratitude for any help you deign to give me. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm not too familiar with Calulus, but I can attempt an answer based } on my general knowlegde of the world. } } First of all, an irresistable force (let's just call him "Don" } for convenience) travelling south on a train, will likely make } many stops along the way; reason being, that Don is a magnet for } the ladies. He has to change his disguise every few hours, and his } mode of transportation every six. So, at a stop in Pennsylvania, } Don exits the train and rents a car. Three wrong turns later, Don is } presumably in the middle of West Virginia, surrounded by three rather } grubby looking men carrying Civil War era rifles and telling him how } "purdy his lips is." } } Meanwhile, the immovable object's train was delayed. } } So, to answer your questions: (A) They won't, ever, (B) the } wavefunction is irrelevent, and (C) what three grubby-looking men do } on the privacy of their own property is none of my business. } } You owe the Oracle a plane ticket to anywhere but West Virginia. --- 1097-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > < And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } (answer given in the style of Matt Groening) } } +-----------------------+ } | > < | > > | < > | < > | } |-----------------------| } | < > | < > | < > | < > | } |-----------------------| } | < > | < > | < > | > > | } |-----------------------| } | < > | < < | < > | > < | } +-----------------------+ } } You owe the Oracle a new fez.