From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Fri Sep 17 15:49:57 1999 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.28) id PAA05055; Fri, 17 Sep 1999 15:10:52 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 17 Sep 1999 15:10:52 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199909172010.PAA05055@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1117 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1117 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1117 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 17 Sep 1999 15:10:52 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1117 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1112 68 votes 9qla2 9enj3 0fnn7 08mki jefd7 04rs9 39nq7 1aoq7 7bqf9 8dte4 1112 3.2 mean 2.6 2.9 3.3 3.7 2.6 3.6 3.4 3.4 3.1 2.9 --- 1117-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most unadulterated and freshly fragrant, > > What is the best color to paint a novel idea? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That depends on the type of novel. John Grisham-style novels, for } example, should be painted Trash White, but if you're writing a } book about musicians, you should use the much, much brighter Michael } Jackson White. Science fiction novels, on the other hand, are best } painted with the deep X-Files Scene Black. For a political novel, } you'll have two choices: Liver White and Paper Green. And finally, if } your book is a "cyber-thriller", nothing beats the durable, yet } inexpensive, [expletive deleted] Pink. Unless, of course, geeks are } your target audience, in which case you'll want Invisible Tan. } } You owe the Oracle a promise you won't publish your book until you've } painted over every single page. --- 1117-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Unscannable Oracle, > > What's your bar code? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Never mix your drinks, always pay up promptly when it's your round, } and never ever chat up the babe on the stool next to yours if her } boyfriend bites the heads off alligators for a hobby. } } You owe the Oracle a tequila sunrise. --- 1117-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > 10:30 (New Series) The Best of Seventies Tragedy > > Dick Clark introduces clips of disasters and accidents > from 1970s -- footage now rendered hilarious by the > ridiculous hairstyles, far-out fashions, and dated patterns > of speech exhibited therein. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Coming Shows will include: } } * 18 year olds get the vote. You'll be rolling in the aisles } when the kids get there hands on the ballot for the first time } and shoo in Nixon by an unprecedented landslide. Watch them } stammer inane excuses for this self inflicted wound. } } * Despite the unlimited nature of Outer Space the Soviet } spacecraft Soyuz and the U.S. Apollo 18 manage to collide. } Slap stick of the highest order. } } * Kent State. A frat prank to end all frat pranks, the jock } strap raid on the National Guard Armory Laundry room goes } horribly wrong. A classic example of 'It may start out all } as good fun, then someone goes and get's an eye poked out.' } } * The Supreme Court rules gender may not be mentioned in } help-wanted advertisements leading to a decade of embarrassing } 'I Love Lucy' like real-life misadventures across the land. } } * The USA Bicentennial loses millions as tourist fail } to besiege America for the chance to buy a 'WIN' button. } Watch Jerry Ford try to forget about it all on a blind } date with Squeaky Fromme. } } * Mary Tyler Moore escapes the clutches of drunken pal } Dick van Dyke only at the expense of having to act } like a befuddled old maid in the homes of America. } } * Newspaper heiress Patty Hearst runs away from home and joins } up with wacky urban uni-sex scout troop. She quits in a huff } when she's not invited to the big hot-dog roast in L.A. despite } her daddy's contribution of millions of dollars worth of food. } } * Bad potato salad kills hundreds at Jones' annual family } picnic. See the unintentionally hilarious 'O'Spudily, the Safe } Tater Mole' ad spots run by the FDA to try and restore America's } confidence in the safety of potatoes. } } * Disco rears it's head. Millions learn of existence of } John Revolta. Watch in amazement as seemingly bright } adults struggle to contort themselves into pretzels } with a back beat. } } You owe the Oracle a return to a quieter time, say 1200 b.c. --- 1117-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > Can Spirit be explored within physics? Please explain your answer. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's find out. } } Behind this door I have sequestered some of the world's greatest } physicists. Men renowned for their insights into the world of } the sub-atomic, of fields and vectors, of light and time. I also } left in that room some spirits, Wild Turkey, Oakmont Springs and } some Finlandia to be exact. Let's see how they're doing. } } #1) Annns {hic} show i said, 'No. But I got a hadron!' } } #1 & #2 & #3: hahahahahahahahahahahaha } } #3: URP! } } #2: I reds dis one in a magnet-zine: } } [ He stands, balancing himself with the chair... pauses } and then recites: ] } } Miss Farad was pretty {hic} sensual } And charged to a reckless potential; } But a rascal named Ohm } Conducted her home - } Her decline was, alas, exponential. } } #3 & #1: bwahahahahahahahahaha } } [ Number two falls to floor heavily ] } } #1 & #3: hahahahahahahahahahaha } } Well, supplicant, there you go. The answer is a resounding yes. } } You owe the Oracle a strange quark chaser and an apology to } A. P. French, the author of that limerick. --- 1117-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > [300 lines of obscenities deleted.] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ....And the answer is.... what is... the transcript to bill and } hillary's last conversation. } } You owe the oracle a detailed explanation of how to disable my email } obscenity filter. --- 1117-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Most Wise, > > Why do so many Americans believe that their government is holding > extra-terrestrials captive in secret bases scattered around the USA? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There's an easy way to answer this one. Let's ask an average American. } We'll just walk up to this trailer and knock on the door... watch out } for those miscellaneous automotive parts lying haphazardly on the lawn. } } The door opens to a less-than attractive but nonetheless average } American dressed in a bathrobe that has seen better days and a pair of } bunny slippers with only one eye on the left slipper. The question is } posed. The American answers in an altogether average way: "Cos 't say } so rot har 'ndis 'Quirer." He waves the tabloid-sized newsprint in the } air. "Now who's da mow-ron?" } } So there you have it. Question asked and answered. Now, if you'll } excuse me, I have to visit the "Little Oracle's Room." } } You owe the Oracle a whole lot of soap and a whole lot of water. --- 1117-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please explain fruit bats. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Fruit bats" is a somewhat ambiguous term. Assuming you don't mean a } San-Francisco-style fluttering of the eyelashes, one alternative } remains. } } Fruit bats are the racquets used in the popular team sports of } appleball, orangeball, pearball, cherryball, pomegranateball, kiwiball, } and mangoball. } } Although each of these sports uses a fruit bat, of course the size of } the racquet head, the tension of the strings, some details of the } rules, and the vernacular of the sport are different. For example, in } pearball, two strikes and you're out, and they say "some pear balls." } } In lemonball, a sufficiently prodigious swing will juice the pitch, and } spray the infielders with yellow fluid. As this is a family forum, I } cannot repeat the language used to describe this event. } } The most notable recent event in the sports of fruitball was the } surprise victory in the world championships by the underdog Florida } Grapefruits. You may remember how the star pitcher removed her shirt } and ran around the field displaying her grapefruits. } } You owe the Oracle tickets to a Gallagher concert. --- 1117-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Behold, Temple of The Oracle, beloved roofs, and august seats, and you > fine roof that faces the sun, lucky is the abode of The Oracle as it > has housed much badinage and cognizance! > > What new types of crops will the wonders of science create? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Here are just some of the fabulous new offerings soon to be part of } your everyday life: } } Wheat Willy Winkie: A softer, sweeter, yet more nutritious grain, } ideal for making into children's breakfast cereal. } } Barley Any Fat: A natural choice for the health-conscious bread } consumer. } } Just The Flax: A variety of plant grown for its strong fibres which } can be easily turned into high quality thread and cloth, with almost } no waste by-products. } } Corn-Ball: An extremely versatile plant, the kernels can be popped and } eaten while watching comedy movies, or ground and used as a staple } food by Mexican comedians. } } Hemping and Hawing: Another fibre crop, this provides cloth which is } superior in many ways to standard textiles, but unfortunately the } government will restrict its cultivation for fear of its use as a drug. } } Oat-Fer My Dead Body: A specially engineered crop with enhanced vitamin } content and calcium to prevent osteoperosis in the elderly. } } Cottoning On: An edible variety of the humble textile plant, this } contains delta-seven nutrients, proven to lower levels of gullibility. } } You owe it to the Oracle to try some of the new delta-seven-enhanced } breakfast cereals. --- 1117-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > couldn't figure it out. I went to bed last night at a decent time, > but I was exhausted when the alarm went off this morning. I managed to > drag my ass out of the bed and into the shower. I thought it was a > little odd that there was no cat running around my feet, but decided it > was a good thing, because she couldn't trip me if she weren't there. I > showered, shaved, and dried my hair, but still I felt tired. I sat > down on the bed and started laying out clothes, which is when I heard > Millie miaowing from Robert's room. I knocked on his door, and he > trundled out of bed to let her out. Robert mentioned she didn't know > she was in his room, because she hadn't scratched his face. He let her > out, and I fed her. I started getting dressed, when Robert ask why I > was up so early. "What do you mean early? It's 6:30." > > "It's 5:30," Robert replied. > > I looked at the clock. Ah, crap. And went back to bed. > > So, how was your day, so far? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's been a long one. I'll explain: } } 3:30 AM: Zadoc wakes me and tells me that he just received the } question, "k could chuck wood?" and asks what he should do } about it. I spend the next half hour debugging the queue, } when it suddenly occurs to me that I should leave things the } way they are. I answer "OT!" and go back to bed. } } 4:30 AM: Zadoc wakes me and tells me that he just received the } question "cat keeps scratching me in the face, and I can't } sleep." I teleport the cat a bowl of Yummie Suppilcant } Bits(TM), bestow the kind animal with sentience, and go back } to bed. } } 4:31 AM: Zadoc wakes me and tells me that he just received a question } from a cat asking "w much hair would a hairless-ape ape if } a hairless-ape could ape less hair?" I remove the sentience } from the stupid animal, and also from its owner, for good } measure. I go back to bed. } } 4:40 AM: Zadoc wakes me and asks how anyone could be rude enough to } wake an Oracle at 4:30 in the morning. Lisa uses a sharp } object to scratch him in the face, and I seriously } contemplate turning *him* into a non-sentient life form, when } it occurs to me that he already is one. I go back to bed. } } 1:00 PM: I wake up, and remember my job interview with the molluscoids } from the Pleiades Cluster. I smile as I think of the } intelligence and respectfulness of the Pleiadians, and the } complete lack of rodentoid life forms on their home planet. } At last -- no more questions about those woodland creatures; } no more questions demonstrating the supplicant's capacity for } coming up with idiotic puns with free e-mail signatures } attached -- this could be the big break I've been waiting } for! I then remember that the interview was scheduled for } 8:30 AM. I go back to bed. } } 3:00 PM: I wake up, feeling miserable. An examination of the queue } reveals that there are over 2000 questions. I contemplate } going back to bed. } } 3:05 PM: I examine the first question: "ning of life?" I answer } "-two." } } 3:06 PM: I examine the next question: "GET NOOD PICS OF LISA????" I } almost forget my despondency when I imagine the luser's } frustration at my answer: "pegs/lisa/nood/closeups/". } } 3:07 PM: A thought crosses my mind. } } 3:08 PM: I examine the next question: "tp://www.juno.com } Or call Juno at (800) 654-JUNO [654-5866]". I barely } suppress a childish laugh. } } 3:09 PM: I spend the next few minutes writing a simple Perl script. } } 3:15 PM: I reply to the question: "s all. You owe the Oracle $1000." } Or rather, the Perl script replies this. } } 3:16 PM: The queue is empty. I completely fail to suppress a childish } laugh as I read "my" last answer: "ope that answers your } question. You owe the Oracle Norway." } } 3:30 PM: Having nothing better to do than wonder how long it will take } the suckers, er, supplicants to catch on to this, I begin } idly examining the queue-processing code that caused the } whole "problem" in the first place. } } 4:00 PM: A single line catches my eye: } // Copyright (C) 4004BC T. U. Oracle } It occurs to me that since I wrote the code, it cannot, by } definition, contain any bugs. Something is definitely wrong } here. } } 4:01 PM: I re-examine all of the questions which "I" so hastily } answered. Something seems to be missing from each one. } } 4:02 PM: Of course! It's the grovel! No matter where each question } is cut off, the grovel is completely missing! How could I } have not noticed this? I myself for allowing my greed } to overcome me like that. } } 4:05 PM: Everything suddenly begins to fit together: The low quality } of responses, the declining frequency of and number of votes } on the digests, the lack of any mention of me in RHOD ... it } all makes sense now! People have just stopped respecting me. } And when that happens... } } 4:06 PM: A shiver creeps down my spine as I realize that I, the } immortal Oracle, may one day cease to exist. For I, Zadoc, } Lisa, the molluscoids from the Pleiades Cluster, and the cat } so curious about hairless-apes aping less hair, only exist in } the minds of my loyal incarnations. And if they don't care } anymore... } } 4:15 PM: I realize that there is only one way to solve this problem. } I grit my teeth, and de-queue the next question. It's from } some dweeb who ... no, I must avoid those thoughts. It's a } question about what kind of day I've had. I can answer this. } } 4:16 PM: I begin crafting my response. I do something I rarely do } these days: I put some effort into it. } } 10:30 PM: I look over the response. I hope, probably in vain, that my } priests will select it, my incarnations will read it, and } that I, one day, will be the great, respected, funny, and } wise Oracle that I once was. } } You -- that is, all of you -- owe the Oracle some questions, some } answers, some votes, and some discussion of me in rec.humor.oracle.d. } And, above all, some effort! --- 1117-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I am bored. Please use your astonishing powers of > narrative to regale me with a story. Make sure it > has lots of foofaraws and furbelows. > > Thank you, O foppish Oracle. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's Friday afternoon, and I've spent all day building table indexes on } a woefully inadequate database. My brain has the consistency of warm } oatmeal, and you want a story? With foofaraws and furbelows, yet. } } *sigh* } } Once upon a time, there was an evil Database Administrator. He was lazy } and incompetent, yet he demanded huge sums of money for what little } work he did. All of Software Development lived in fear of him, for he } could revoke their privileges any time he wanted, and they were } ignorant of such magic as "Backups" and "Quality Standards". Indeed, } they were ignorant of a great deal. } } Then came the day they had dreaded. The Fearsome Deadline loomed upon } the horizon, and all the department was plunged into confusion and } panic. In desperation, the aging King of Software Development sent a } call throughout the land, looking for a champion to save them. In the } nick of time, a noble figure arrived on the doorstep - Sir Consultant } of Furbelow. The price was steep, but the King had little choice. } } From that moment on - well, once a desk had been found for him - Sir } Consultant was a veritable blur. Amendments, bug fixes and upgrades } roared from his mighty CASE tool long into the evening, even unto time } and a half. The slapdash and half-assed applications began to coalesce } into a coherent software package, and a hint here and a suggestion } there was turning even the lowly developers into almost competent human } beings. } } Now did the wicked Database Administrator tremble in his office, for } the brave Sir Consultant had picked up a thing or two about databases } in his travels, and he knew a pile of horse doo-doo when he saw one. } Indeed, the DBA knew that as soon as Sir Consultant learnt that he } wasn't related to anyone important, things would be said that could } endanger the status quo. But what could he do? Suddenly it came to him. } The Cruel Users who had sent the Fearsome Deadline! They were always } looking for ways to make life difficult for Software Development. And } he had just the thing... } } Ooh, look - it's four O'Clock. Sod this for a lark, I'm off home. } } You owe the Oracle a consultant specialising in triumphant conclusions } and witty epigrams.