From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Wed Nov 17 15:50:13 1999 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.28) id PAA24966; Wed, 17 Nov 1999 15:20:52 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 17 Nov 1999 15:20:52 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199911172020.PAA24966@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1127 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1127 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1127 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 17 Nov 1999 15:20:52 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1127 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1122 69 votes 6klh5 8kt93 6epdb 2fsj5 69kmc 8etf3 16kse 37hph 7diid 9jjl1 1122 3.2 mean 2.9 2.7 3.1 3.1 3.4 2.9 3.7 3.7 3.2 2.8 --- 1127-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > This is not a question; this is idiot bait. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } And a master-baiter you are! --- 1127-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Okay sir, time for your once a century physical. Drop the robe. . . And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Already? Look, I'm sorry, I really don't have the time, questions to } answer, you know how it is... } } Unfit for oracular duties? C'mon, you can't do that. I'm a busy } entity. } } Alright, you can do that, then. How long is this going to take? } } Oh, don't worry, if it makes it shorter, I'm co-operative. } } That's not funny. What's first? } } mumble, mumble, mumble... } } I said, this breath analyser mask stinks. Whoever used it last must } have chronic halitosis. I thought you were supposed to disinfect } between users. } } Oh. Mental note - put mouthwash on the shopping list. Did I pass? } } Hmm. Okay, now what? } } Good grief, slow it down, will you. } } I don't care if the test's less accurate, slow it down! } } Don't look so smug, that hurt. Honestly, you're just a sadist, aren't } you. } } Bit small, isn't it. } } Oh, alright, I'll see what I can do. Give me a minute, okay. } } Always the same, isn't it. All day, no problems, then when you } need to go, you can't. } } Is that enough? } } Well, warn me next time and I might find it a bit easier. I'll hold } it in for a bit, y'know. } } Okay. Not terribly comfy, is it. } } No, I suppose that that isn't the point. } } Ow! It's supposed to be a gentle tap. It's supposed to be a reflex } test, not an attempt to break my kneecaps. } } I don't care what current medical thought is, not so hard. Ow! } } Okay. } } What was that? I can't see when I'm lying like this. } } That sort of rubbery snapping sound. } } Oh. Maybe I imagined it. } } Aaah, no. Gods, you could have warned me. Aaah! Pervert! } Deviant! Spawn of Satan! Your fingers are freezing. } } I hate that bit. } } Yes, well, I'd imagine that some people pay good money for that sort of } thing, but I'm not one of them. } } That's not funny, either. } } Oh, fine. Well, thank you, nice to know that I'm in okay shape. } Next century, then? } } Indeed. Bit more warning next time, okay? } } Fine. } } Hello, dear. Yes, I passed, flying colours, as usual. } } Thank you, Doctor. Zadoc, show the doctor out, would you? } } Bye } } Yes, dear. } } No problem, we can do that. Right now, though, I've got to answer } some more questions. } } What sound? } } Nope, I didn't hear anything. What did it sound like? } } Somebody being ZOTed in the distance? Naah, Zadoc wouldn't do that } unless I asked him to... } } What smug expression? } } You owe the Oracle, and can only repay by undergoing the same tests. } The doctor will be round when he's recovered. Hehehe... --- 1127-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > All pale in comparison to the Oracle, for the Oracle is above The > Big Blue Room, the Oracle has foresight and wears not thick glasses, > the Oracle is the FAQ of life itself, > > Are there any good reasons to change? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course. You're not going out like *THAT*, are you? } } You owe the Oracle some decent shoes and a hat that go with his flowing } white robes --- 1127-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > {}? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Okay. I've braced myself. --- 1127-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are you such a wanker? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } At last! The companion site to Ron's Angels has arrived!!! } ______________________________ } | | } | RON'S ORACLES | } | | } | http://www.ronsoracles.com | } |______________________________| } } Welcome to ronsoracles.com: the only web site that provides you with } the unique opportunity to bid for sperm from beautiful, healthy and } omniscient men. Well, one man actually, but what a man! This is the } dude who knows it all and isn't afraid to spread it around! } } He is ... the one and only ... THE INTERNET ORACLE!!! } } * * * * * * * * * } } It is human nature to strive to improve everything. From fruits and } vegetables, to animals, to medicine, and even to human genes, we } modify everything to produce the best we can. And of course we all } want the best for ourselves and our children. } } There are 6.1 million infertile couples in America alone, looking for } sperm so that they can have children. There are also millions of women } around the world who would love to have their genes combined with those } of a $DEITY. They have substantial financial resources, yet are unable } to find the genetic combinations that would impart special gifts to } their offspring. Gifts such as wit, superhuman intelligence, or the } ability to ZOT people who piss them off. Gifts which could help YOUR } children in their quest for happiness and success. } } Let's face it, our society is obsessed with intelligence. Why else } would anyone even consider breeding with Albert Einstein or Bill Gates? } Yet, more than this, omniscience is its own reward. Of course you want } your kids appearing on TV quiz show after TV quiz show, effortlessly } winning off-road vehicles and holidays in Tenerife. But think of the } satisfaction they themselves will gain from automatically knowing } the answers to all those important questions that have been plaguing } mankind for centuries. Questions like: } } --Why we drive in parkways and park in driveways. } --Where all the ballpoint pens disappear to. } --What setting phasers are on before Commander Riker orders the landing } party to set them to stun. } --Exactly how much wood a woodchuck can chuck, to the nearest milligram. } } Can you really live with yourself if you deny your future children this } knowledge? } } This may very well be the most important decision you and your family } will ever make. You will live with this decision for the rest of } your life. But we don't doubt for a minute that the life you create } from these sperm will be every bit as insufferably smug and superior } as you have the right to expect. } } * * * * * * * * * } } COME UP TO OMNISCIENCE! } COME UP TO RON'S ORACLES! } } Starting bids: $50,000 - $150,000 US } in $5,000.00 increments } } You get: } } --Three (3) 10ml portions of guaranteed Grade A supersmart sperm } (even before fertilization, each individual sperm can work out the } value of pi to at least 48 decimal places). } --A poster-sized photo of the Internet Oracle. } --An "I've been shagged in vitro by the Oracle" T-shirt (size XL). } --A visit to the Oracular Temple in Indiana. } --A candlelit dinner with the priest of your choice (or, if that one's } unavailable, Ian Davis). } } You must be a member to bid. All bids from non-members will auto- } matically be rejected. Please include your membership number when } making a bid. } } JOIN NOW! } } * * * * * * * * * } } Small print: } The services of ronsoracles.com are provided under the highest } ethical standards. We take no remuneration from the donors. Our 20% } service fee is on top of the highest bid. Donors and recipients must } have their own attorneys to ensure that their interests are preserved. } Recipients are responsible for the additional costs associated with } assisted reproduction. The donor reserves the right to reject a bid, } at his discretion. Please read our user agreement. } } * * * * * * * * * } } So, to answer to your question, supplicant: demand has been greater than } anticipated, okay? } } You owe the Oracle a jumbo pack of Viagra and all your back issues of } "Playboy". --- 1127-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have always wondered; why don't Skittles candies really fall from > rainbows,what does a rainbow taste like. "Taste the rainbow!" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It might surprise you to know, but that isn't false advertising. } Skittles really do taste like a rainbow! } } The reason Skittles don't fall from the rainbows is that the upward } pressure from the the jet stream keeps the Skittles suspended in the } rainbow. For years scientists thought rainbows were merely light being } refracted off water vapor in the upper atmosphere, but recently } researchers at Mars, Inc. have been able to successfully catch a } rainbow and collect its primary components: Skittles. Despite being } slightly bland and a bit waxy, they have proved to be a popular item. } } However, this unrestricted rainbow harvesting has led to a significant } reduction in the world's natural supply of rainbows. Rainbows take } centuries to form, and Mars is collecting them at a rate of three } rainbows a week! When was the last time you saw a rainbow? } } It is time to call on Mars to put an end to the destruction of one of } our most precious resources! Please visit } http://www.skittles.com/mail/feedback.html to inform them you know the } truth about Skittle harvesting and disapprove! Also go to } http://www.house.gov/writerep and let your local representative know } that you want laws passed to stop this travesty! It's time we took back } our rainbows! } } You owe the Oracle a mass email campaign. --- 1127-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle who is most wise in the ways of the buttered toast on > cat, and the sound of unobserved falling trees, please tell me: > > If you took the covers off of two flat-bed scanners, placed them > facing one on top of the other, and pressed the "scan" button on > both, what would you get? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Fired. --- 1127-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > This is a multi-part message in MIME format. > > ------=_NextPart_000_002B_01BF27B6.E7B6A0E0 > Content-Type: text/plain; > charset="iso-8859-1" > Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable > > Oracle most funny, > Please tell me a joke. > > ------=_NextPart_000_002B_01BF27B6.E7B6A0E0 > Content-Type: text/html; > charset="iso-8859-1" > Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable > > > > http-equiv=3DContent-Type> > > > > >
Oracle most funny,
>
Please tell me a joke.
>
 
> > ------=_NextPart_000_002B_01BF27B6.E7B6A0E0-- And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A MIME goes into a bar. } } The bartender says, "What'll it be?". } } The MIME starts pantomiming. The bartender holds up his hand } and stops him saying, "Look just say what you want and don't } give me any of the lame acting out the message stuff." } } So the MIME leans forward and whispers," } } This is a multi-part message in MIME format. } } ------=_NextPart_000_002B_01BF27B6.E7B6A0E0 } Content-Type: text/plain; } charset="iso-8859-1" } Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable } } I want a beer brewed in Mexico. } } ------=_NextPart_000_002B_01BF27B6.E7B6A0E0 } Content-Type: text/html; } charset="iso-8859-1" } Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable } } } } } } } } }
I want a beer brewed in Mexico.
}
 
} } ------=_NextPart_000_002B_01BF27B6.E7B6A0E0-- " } } The bartender jumps back and starts screaming, "Everyone } out of the bar! NOW! Run! Everyone out!" } } All the people in the bar run out in a panic. } } The bartender snarls at the MIME and says, "You white } faced fool, now look what you've done! Those were all } astronomers from the convention across the street. And } you just caused a Corona mass ejection." } } You owe the Oracle a hat full of spare change. --- 1127-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > MY JOKE > > By Orrie Joel > Copyright 19__ > ------------------------------ > > Got a call from an old 'chuck > We used to be real close > Said he couldn't go on the Oracle way > > Closed his hole, sold his wood > Bought a ticket via Hotmail, > Now he drains the queue from LA. > > I don't need you to worry for me, cause I'm funny > I don't want you to tell me it's time grow up > I don't care what you say anymore, this is my joke > Go ahead with your own joke, leave me alone. > > I never said you had to offer me a tellme > I never said I was a drainer of Orrie's queue > I'm still funny, don't get me wrong. > You can speak your mind, but not in Rec Humor Oracle D. > > They will tell you, you shouldn't anger the priesthood, > Then they'll tell you not to work for a spamhaus > Ah, but sooner or later you offend everybody else, > Either way, it's okay, you just buy a new account. > > I don't need you to worry for me, cause I'm funny, > I don't want you to tell me it's time grow up, > I don't care what you say anymore, this is my joke, > Go ahead with your own joke, leave me alone. > > I never said you had to offer me a tellme, > I never said I was a drainer of Orrie's queue, > I'm still funny, don't get me wrong. > You can speak your mind, but not in RHOD. > > I don't care what you say anymore, this is my joke, > Go ahead with your own joke, leave me alone. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } How the HELL did you find me here? This whole Oracle } business is supposed to be anonymous! I'm going to send } e-mail to Steve Kinzler RIGHT NOW, but I SWEAR Billy, } if you don't stop stalking me, I'm going to get a } restraining order. This is your LAST warning. I have } a new life now. I'm not your stupid uptown girl anymore. } GOD how I hate that song. I've hung up the swimsuit, and } now I serve the Oracle. Now take your STUPID LITTLE SONGS } and get OUT of MY LIFE! --- 1127-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Grand Oracle, Paul Kelly has just joined the priests. Does this mean > that as long as I mention "Paul Kelly" in my question, and you mention > the same name in your answer, that we have a good chance he'll see it > and digest this question to see his name in print? > > PS: PAUL KELLY And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Paul Kelly... Paul Kelly... } } Oh, now I remember! DAMN!!! I was supposed to give Mr. Kelly his } annual review months ago. This is so frustrating! I've been so } busy lately. This really puts me in a bad mood. } } [click] Miss Lisa, please send in Paul Kelly. } } He's on break? I'm the Oracle; I think he can spend a *few minutes* } away from his precious *coffee and donuts* so that I can speak } with him. Haul his ass over here. } } Thank you. [clunk] } } Who the blazes does he think he think he is? Good grief, this gives } me such a headache. Ah! There's my aspirin. Now if I can find my } antacids to take with the aspirin... DAMN! I'm out of antacids. } This is so frustrating. I almost always get an upset stomach if I } take my aspirin without the antacids. } } Now for some water to swallow the aspirin... [swallow] Oh, ick. } It's room temperature. This damned Indiana University tap water } always seems to taste icky when it's not cold. [wince] Oh, my head. } I hope that damned aspirin works quickly. } } Hmmm... Feels a little drafty in my office here. Is it the window? } No. It seems like those damned physical plant people tinkered with } the ventilation here and it hasn't worked right since. I'm used to } the 80-degree mediterranean weather year-round, and now I'm stuck } with this unbearable Indiana weather; too hot in summer, too cold } in winter. I'm telling you, that cold, cold November wind just runs } across these midwestern prairies like water on glass. I could have } told the IU people that when they built this place, but they didn't } bother to ask. Fools! Every blasted one of them. This damned draft } has really set me on edge. } } [swallow] Ugh. This water is awful. Stale, really. Oh, my head. } } Looks like another gray-skied day. Going to be gray all week, too. } Also looks like somebody illegally parked in the handicapped parking } spot. Prick. } } Let's take a look at Mister Kelly's file, shall we? Oh, Damn! } I spilled some water in the file cabinet! I'd better take these out } of the cabinet so they can dry... An awful lot of them... Oh, hell. } I'll just leave them on the floor here. Oh, my aching skull. } } Hmmm... Occasionally late... Marginal communication skills... } Sometimes has trouble working with others... Shirks duties } occasionally... And then there's this complaint that he spends too } much time chit-chatting with Lisa. } Hmmm... } } [swallow] Ugh. } } Ah! Mister Kelly. So good of you to tear yourself away from the } *donuts* so that I can enjoy a *moment* of your *valuable* time. } Try not to knock over that stack of files by the door... } } DAMN IT!!! No! Just leave them! LEAVE THEM! } } Look, Supplicant, I'll just have to get back to your question later.