From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Tue Nov 30 08:44:37 1999 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.28) id IAA22824; Tue, 30 Nov 1999 08:12:33 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 30 Nov 1999 08:12:33 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199911301312.IAA22824@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1129 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1129 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1129 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 30 Nov 1999 08:12:33 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1129 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1124 80 votes 37lsl 7wpb5 6ose8 1pHa1 2hesj 57sua 4gwia 88gwg 25qsj 2orn4 1124 3.3 mean 3.7 2.7 2.9 2.8 3.6 3.4 3.2 3.5 3.7 3.0 --- 1129-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, O Oracle, where for art thou Oracle? > > Will I get that job at Vanderbuilt? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is the job at Vanderbilt. } } This is the dude } That got in the job at Vanderbilt. } } This is the rat } That reported the dude } That got in the job at Vanderbilt. } } This is the 9mm round } That mowed the rat down } That reported the dude } That got in the job at Vanderbilt. } } This is the police investigation } That found the 9mm round } That mowed the rat down } That reported the dude } That got in the job at Vanderbilt. } } This is the reporter with the crumpled hat } That covered the police investigation } That found the 9mm round } That mowed the rat down } That reported the dude } That got in the job at Vanderbilt. } } This is maiden with blouse torn } That shook down the reporter with the crumpled hat } That covered the police investigation } That found the 9mm round } That mowed the rat down } That reported the dude } That got in the job at Vanderbilt. } } This is the kingpin all rich from selling porn } That dissed the maiden with blouse torn } That shook down the reporter with the crumpled hat } That covered the police investigation } That found the 9mm round } That mowed the rat down } That reported the dude } That got in the job at Vanderbilt. } } This is the priest all day digesting shat } That incarnated the question from the kingpin all rich from selling } porn } That dissed the maiden with blouse torn } That shook down the reporter with the crumpled hat } That covered the police investigation } That found the 9mm round } That mowed the rat down } That reported the dude } That got in the job at Vanderbilt. } } This is Zadoc who was yesterday born } That confounded the priest all day digesting shat } That incarnated the question from the kingpin all rich from selling } porn } That dissed the maiden with blouse torn } That shook down the reporter with the crumpled hat } That covered the police investigation } That found the 9mm round } That mowed the rat down } That reported the dude } That got in the job at Vanderbilt. } } This is the Oracle seething with scorn } That kept Zadoc who was yesterday born } That confounded the priest all day digesting shat } That incarnated the question from the kingpin all rich from selling } porn } That dissed the maiden with blouse torn } That shook down the reporter with the crumpled hat } That covered the police investigation } That found the 9mm round } That mowed the rat down } That reported the dude } That got in the job at Vanderbilt. } } And this is the answer in nursery rhyme form } From the Oracle seething with scorn } That kept Zadoc who was yesterday born } That confounded the priest all day digesting shat } That incarnated the question from the kingpin all rich from selling } porn } That dissed the maiden with blouse torn } That shook down the reporter with the crumpled hat } That covered the police investigation } That found the 9mm round } That mowed the rat down } That reported the dude } That got in the job at Vanderbilt. } } You owe the Oracle some curds and whey. --- 1129-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > man oracle And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Nice try, since you had a 50/50 chance of correctly guessing the sex of } this Incarnation. --- 1129-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > This message is in MIME format. Since your mail reader does not under- > stand this format, some or all of this message may not be legible. > > ------_=_NextPart_001_01BF31CF.6ADF8C30 > Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" > > What exactly is the MIME format good for anyway, except to annoy the > recipient? > > ------_=_NextPart_001_01BF31CF.6ADF8C30 > Content-Type: text/html; charset="iso-8859-1" > Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable > > > > > charset=3Diso-8859-1"> > 5.5.2448.0"> > tell me > > > >

What = > exactly is the MIME format good for anyway, except to annoy the = > recipient? >

> > > > ------_=_NextPart_001_01BF31CF.6ADF8C30-- And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECHHHHHHHH!!!! } } Sirens call, helicopters whirr, and searchlights leave tracks across } the sky. } } Superintendant, Godzilla is on the rampage again, and he's looking } really nasty. He's just destroyed the entire Japanese Airforce with } his radioactive breath and is trampling the last Navy destroyer as } we speak. } } Release the baby Godzilla. When he sees his son, he'll calm right down. } } SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECHHHHHHHH!!!!!! } } Superintendant. Godzilla just radioactive breathed his own son to } a crisp. } } This is serious. What could have caused him to go that far? } } Superintendant. Godzilla just ate the Sumitomo building. } } Are there any clues Commander? } } Yes, we found this in the cave that Godzilla broke out of. } } A computer? A burnt computer? What's special about that? } } Look at what was burnt into the screen by Godzilla's radioactive } breath. } } Oh my god, a MIME encoded email. Commander, get the President of the } United States on the phone. We need access to his nuclear arsenal } *now*. } } You owe The Oracle an island suitable for relocating about 120 million } people and a mail program from 1982. --- 1129-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, > > Could you please tell me ten questions you've never been asked before? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The answer to this question requires a deep insight into how we } omniscient Oracles operate. Take a look in this room... } } > Wow, look at all those monkeys! } } One million of them to be exact. There job is to sit there banging } away at the keyboards all day. Eventually, they'll type out every } possible question anyone could ever ask. } } > Wow! } } Hoi, Zadoc! How're the lads doing this morning? } } "Oh Master Oracle, He who is So..." } } Good, good! Now what happens, supplicant, is that at the end of the } day the Priests bring me all the gigabytes of whatnot that the monkeys } have typed on a CD-ROM, and I make sure I have answers for them. So } far, as your luck would have it, only ten questions the monkeys have } come up with in all the thousands of years we've been doing this, have } not been asked. I have them here.. } } *ahem* } } THE TOP TEN UNASKED QUESTIONS OF THE INTERNET ORACLE } ---------------------------------------------------- } } (10) Where should I keep my tongue when I'm not using it? } } (09) Why would they want to chuck all that wood, anyway? } } (08) How do I tell the league that $30 million a season is too much } money? I'm not even that good a player! } } (07) Wow, North American beer sure tastes great, doesn't it? } } (06) Would you like a canoli? } } > What? } } A canoli. Surely you know what a canoli is? } } > You've never been asked if you'd like a canoli? } } Nope. I just never happen to attend a party where they're being } served, and supplicants so rarely bring them along. } } Carrying on... } } (05) How can I convince Jodie Foster to drive iron spikes through my } head? } } Actually surprised that one's never come up. } } (04) Is is is is is is is .... [several million repetitions of the } word "is"] ... is is is is? } } > What? } } Speaking of being repetitive, supplicant... } } > What kind of question is that? } } Well, they're monkeys, right? As the Strange Eons pass, they'll type } *everything*. And apparently the supplicants will ask anything... } } (03) What can I do in my second term as President that will most } benefit America? } } (02) I'm the richest man in the world, but I feel really guilty about } selling all this crappy software. How do I resolve this moral } dilemma? } } ... and the Number One Unasked Question of the Internet Oracle: } } } [dramatic pause] } } } (01) How can I get more unsightly body hair? } } There you go. } } > Thanks, Oh Wise and Ponderous Oracle. } } No problem kid. This one comes up about every 412,857 questions. It's } one of my favourites. You owe the Oracle... } } "Oh Oracle Most Wise!" } } Otis! I'm with a supplicant, what is it? } } "Scratch number 4." } } Lemme guess, the woman in Burbank who channels Philip Glass, right? } } "Right as always, Omniscient One." } } Great! I've been saving that response for sixty years! } } > Oracle, wait! What do I owe you? } } Hey, I'm down to nine! Call this one a freebie. I'll get the dame in } Burbank to send me some canolis. --- 1129-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The very spirit of the sea-wolves who had so long lived on > the pillage of the world seemed embodied in his gigantic > form, his enormous strength, his savage countenance, his > desperate bravery, the fury of his wrath, the ruthlessness > of his revenge, All Hail the Oracle! > > Which series of words could one type that will produce > a thought that will get so stuck in the minds of all that > read it that they will never, ever, ever be able to get > those words out of their minds? > > Thank you. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That, my friend supplicant, is the one thing, the only thing in all } the Universe, that I cannot, must not know. Because if I did know, I'd } never be able to get them out of my mind either, which with my truly } cavernous cranium, would resonate with those words until I went stark, } raving insane, thereby becoming useless to all ye seekers of wisdom } and a bit of a drag at parties. I'm sorry supplicant, but there are } some things that Dare Not Be Known. } } You owe the Oracle a small world, after all. } } "It's a small world after all, it's a small world -" DAMN!! --- 1129-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Most Epicurean, > > Why is it recommended that revenge as a dish be served cold? > What happens if I re-heat it in the microwave? Or stir-fry it? > Or grill it over sumac branches? Or have it raw? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Grudges are unfortunately very susceptible to mutation. Microwaving } them is thus not a good idea, as you are liable to forget what you were } originally offended over, and come up with some pathetic justification } for your anger, or possibly to extend your anger from its original } subject to his/her/its friends/relatives/neighbors/pets/fellow-species. } } Stir-fried revenge can be quite tasty; it is extremely pleasurable to } settle several grudges at once with a single act. However, some } individuals with more delicate palates feel that it is impossible to } truly enjoy the suffering of each enemy if they are savored } simultaneously; these effete gourmands would hold that stir-frying is a } waste, at least for subtler forms of revenge. Crude forms of revenge, } however, such as physical violence, tend to be enhanced by the } combination. } } Grilling, barbecuing and frying revenge are all plausible options, very } useful for a simple, hearty grudge-settlement. There is little aspect } of skill or subtlety about them, however. } } Raw revenge is precisely what is meant by serving it cold. The basis } for this is that there is nothing better than revenge; any cooking is } likely to add aspects such as defensiveness, petty resentment, useful } lessons, or possibly even self-defense. Serving revenge cold and raw, } then, is the only way to keep it pure. } } The real best way to serve revenge, however is none of the above: } grudge fondue. A little piece at a time, to extend the pleasure as long } as possible, and cooked each time in a different sauce, a different } flavor of retribution. Of course great skill is required to prepare } this sort of dish. So unless you are an accomplished revanchist, I } would suggest you follow the popular wisdom and stick to raw. If you } are interested in developing your skills, I would suggest you start on } stir-fry first, and gradually work your way up to fondue. } } You owe the Oracle his dinner. This whole discussion has done nothing } to reduce his appetite. --- 1129-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > So, Orrie, everyone's coming up with their own definitions of love, > whether it be in films, poetry, theatre, or just surmising one night in > the local drinking establishment. > > But nobody defines hate. So could you provide a definitively definite > definition of hate for me, Orrie? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hate is such a human emotion. It is best if we let some } classic definitions of hate from humans answer your } question. . . } } Hate is never having to say you're glad. } Bryan Soong } } You may be a total moron but I know what hate is. } Giveitarest Gump } } All you need is hate. } Johnny B. Lenin } } Hate is what makes the world go around and around and around } until you vomit. Hate is the spins. } W.C. Fields } } Doubt that farts catch fire; } Doubt that the sloth move; } Doubt a politician is a liar; } But never doubt that I hate you. } William ShakenNotstirredSpeare } } ..hate with its venom leaves the plunger in the toilet } of life. Ow! } Helen Keller } } Hate is not patient, hate is not kind. It does envy, it does } boast, it is proud. It is rude, it is self-seeking, it is } easily angered, it keeps extensive records of wrongs. } You are going to hell. } Yahweh } } A meeting between two beings } with contempt for one another, } who are made to hate } each other, borders ready to } be crossed at dawn with Stukas and tanks } in my opinion, is destiny. } Adolf Hitler } } It is better to hated and been cross, } than to never have hated before } Bagel John } } Hate is all we have, the only way that each can hurt the other. } EuripidesYouPayforThese } } You the Oracle a plate of cold revenge. --- 1129-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who's your daddy? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, how's your father. The correct Britspeak alternative to "a bit } of the other" involving a parent is "a bit of how's your father". } Your other incorrect answers were, in no particular order: } } That takes the cookie } Mind your Ts and Js } I'm not telling you pigs } She's a fragment of okay } You don't get much of that in a kilo } As unwell as a carrot } You large boy's shirt } Too intelligent by 50% } Part of an adhesive wicket } Can I bottom a gay off you? } She's in the dessert society } Push the other one, it has whistles attached } Spear the ravens down Marylebone High Street } Cold enough to castrate a metal macaque } } To be perfectly honest, Zax'sptl, I don't think you're ready to } infiltrate Earth yet. At least, not England. You could go for the } United States - nobody understands what they say over there anyway. --- 1129-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ross Clement The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Kind and loving Oracle, > > Won't we be better off routing around Australia? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ahrr, well Cap'n Cook sorr, there be two loines o' thought on the } mahtter. There be those nahvigators what say 'tis always better to } go roond huge hulking great lahndmasses than to troi and sail straight } through 'em like, and, it hahs to be said, there's somethin' in thaht. } } And then there's those nahvigators, of 'oom I be one, what say we wants } to get home afore pub closing toime, so full steam ahead and booger the } obstacles. Now then, d'ye want to foind Botany Bay or don't ye? } } Ye owe the Oracle a spliced mainbrace, some shivered timbers and a lick } o' the cat. Ahrr! --- 1129-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise and pleasant voiced, > > Will the USA ever have a female president? Would anything be different > there if they did? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The USA will not have a female president so long as women continue } to serve as the gender of sensibility and reason. The presidency is } an evolved form of natural selection. America's forefathers designed } the position to attract, identify, and isolate deranged persons with } outwardly normal appearances. } } In this respect, the function has been wildly successful. America's } presidents include drunks (Jackson and Grant), loons (Jefferson, } Teddy Roosevelt, and Nixon), sufferers of senile dementia (Ford and } Reagan), and a 400-pound man (Taft). The Oracle trusts that you } can see the appeal of placing this person in an isolated building } (the White House), putting him under constant supervision (Secret } Service), and making his proclamations utterly worthless (Congress). } } Women can see right through this. A few have strayed, but they snapped } out of it with time to spare. One can imagine an elevator attendant, } or perhaps a buffet server, pulling aside Liddy Dole and hissing, } "Pull it together, sister. You're gonna give us all a bad name." } The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world. } Becoming President would be a demotion. } } You owe the Oracle a Mondale/Ferraro bumper sticker, mint.