From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Fri Dec 24 08:52:43 1999 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.28) id IAA03196; Fri, 24 Dec 1999 08:24:47 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 24 Dec 1999 08:24:47 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199912241324.IAA03196@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1135 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1135 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1135 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 24 Dec 1999 08:24:47 -0500 (EST) *** -o*o- Seasons Greetings & Happy Holidays -o*o- To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1135 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1130 63 votes ehka2 08ola beld4 5ekg8 7ioc2 28iob oeg72 8cmd8 7emf5 15ona 1130 3.0 mean 2.5 3.5 2.8 3.1 2.7 3.5 2.2 3.0 3.0 3.6 --- 1135-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle Most Wise, whos navel-lint is wiser than I, pray tell me > > Where can I buy some of those really cool super-hero gadgets ? > > You know, the kind batman carries in his utility belt. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, Supplicant, I'm afraid that there *is* no central supplier for } super-hero gadgets - each and every superhero, before beginning their } career fighting crime and being the scourge of evil mutants and mad } scientists everywhere, spends lengths of time with market analysts and } graphic artists, deciding what would be the best new angle on } superhero-dom remains low in public opinion), and only then do they } hide away in their newly-built hideouts for months, working on their } gadgets themselves. They jealously guard these "trade secrets", from } the public at large, and even from their colleagues (despite the fact } that over 50% of their colleagues have somekind of X-ray vision). } } However, that's not the answer you wanted, is it? Look, because you } gave me such a nice grovel (I'm a sucker for navel-lint) I'll give you } a hand. Although the *successful* superheros do keep their stash of } gadgets secret, not every super-hero makes it in the big league. } There's quite a surprising attrition rate among superheros, and those } who fail usually have to auction off their assets to recoup costs. } } Here's some of the superhero-surplus I know is up for grabs at the } moment: } } Dodoman: } } * Beak Gun - fires a big clumsy beak at attackers, which generally } fumbles around before failing to grab hold. } } * Waddlemobile - A giant two-legged contraption designed to take } Dodoman to the scene of the crime, at speeds up to several miles per } hour. } } * Dodoplane - Unfortunately, the Dodo was a flightless bird. } } The Tea-lady: } } * Flying Teacup - Just as it sounds, a vastly unaerodynamicly-shaped } craft, with a big loop at the back just waiting for the villain with } the Flying Cuphook. } } * Tannic Acid Spray - Squirts evil-doers with the main flavourful } ingredient in tea, which has a pH of approximately 6.9 repeater. } } * One hardly used Teabag Cape, guaranteed to be resistant against all } heated beverages. A uniform milky light brown colour. } } Captain Hatrack: } } * Stealth hat rack - provides a place for destitute hats to find } refuge, where no insane masterminds can discover them. Also hell to } trip over in the hall on a dark night. } } * Hat magnet - This powerful device, when aimed at a crafty miscreant, } can quickly and efficiently remove their headgear by emitting a } synthesised distress signal, recognised by concave lifeforms } everywhere. } } * The Hat of Power - Covered in obscene quantities of tropical fruit, } this impressive headgear supplies the wearer with an enormous } database of hat-related trivia. } } You owe the Oracle his own comic book series. --- 1135-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ross Clement The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Or-a-kul great. Or-a-kul good. Or-a-kul show Og how make club spiky. > Or-a-kul know much. Or-a-kul know where Sun go at night. Or-a-kul know > more! > > Og want know how right way sel-a-brate Y50,000K BC. Thag say make big > ball mammoth dung. Drop ball off cliff. Watch ball fall. Watch dung > go splat. Much fun say Thag. > > Ogwa say Thag not e-volv-ed. Ogwa say dung not good way > com-mem...mem-rate mi-len-yum. (Og think Ogwa too use much big words.) > > Og ask Or-a-kul how good way sel-a-brate Y50,000K? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Og, my good man. } } You are already set. } } * You live in a cave. } * You have weapons in hand. } * You are not dependent on the power grid. } * You will not be effected if the ATMS or stores go bonkers. } * You did not book a room in Las Vegas. } } Don't worry, my thick browed pal, you're sitting pretty. } } You owe the Oracle a skull full of fermented berry juice. --- 1135-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > OHOrrie mosYES! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ohsupplicant zotNO! --- 1135-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, you are wise and magnificent, and I curtsy before you. > > Judging by the chronic headaches and intestinal disturbances, the > dangerously rapid heart rate, the nervous twitches currently quivering > through my body, and my brain's sudden inability to clearly focus on > any one thing, it would appear that caffeine is not *actually* my > friend. Should I leave it off my Christmas shopping list? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } PISHTOSH! Caffeineisyourbestfriendyouronlyfriendyourheartsdesire - } itcuresrabiesscabiesandbabies - itmakesyoupopularandhealsallwounds - } itwillcleanyourcarandshineyourshoes - andbestofallitsabsolutelyFREE! } withthepurchaseofthislovelyfestivesucculentOracularCoffeePot! } Itslicesitdicesitmakesgreatjuliennefries! Ordernow! } } YouowetheOracleawaydownfromthisflagpoleplease. --- 1135-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where has all my email gone? > I'm sitting here all alone. > He used to mail me all the time > Now my heart sinks like a stone. > > My mailbox is so lonely > He has not wrote in days > Is it something I have done? > I wonder, anyways. > > I don't know how to handle this > Perhaps I should write a song... > Oracle, please help me > Where has all my email gone? > > http://www.care2.com - The Best of The Internet...With A Green Twist! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I've rid the queue of Juno. } Stamped out that Yahoo chap. } I even wiped out Hotmail. } But still I get this crap. } } Not even was a grovel } Laden in this verse. } Orrie finds this whining } Subtly perverse. } } There was no freemail service } When I got this gig. } Wonder where your e-mail's gone? } Perhaps it is your .sig } } You owe The Oracle 18 holes with some golf prose. --- 1135-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most secretive and sly, > > What patterns do you detect in the traffic? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ahhh. How nice. Instead of meaningless questions, tired in-jokes, or } unanswerable paradoxes, I get to do some good old fashioned } prognostication. Have a seat, and I'll tell you what I see. You don't } happen to have some loose tea, or maybe a chicken with you do you? No } matter - we'll just use the old Waterford crystal ball. } } That Ford Fiesta has a harried receptionist hurrying to get to the mall } to see if she can still find some scented candles at Bath and Body } Works. In fact, in ten minutes she's going to lose her concentration } and run directly into a telephone switchbox, disabling the city's } largest phone-sex provider. She won't be injured, but for the next few } days she'll wonder why her husband seems so irritable. } } Over there in the Lincoln is the head of the roofers' union. He's about } to run a red light and cut off a reporter from the Daily Globe. } Ironically, in six years the reporter will be writing his acceptance } speech for the Pulitzer while the union leader's attorney prepares his } closing statements for the corruption trial. } } That little old lady in the Mercury Marquis once drove a man to join } the French Foreign Legion. On Christmas day she will give her cat } Arthur a new collar and scratching post. } } And the fellow driving the Mazda is actually the Prince of Darkness in } disguise. He's going to close the deal on a budding politician's soul, } and then he's going to drop over here for a cappucino. I'd love to } introduce you two, but he's a bit shy around strangers. } } Just the usual things, really, Supplicant. You should see it at rush } hour - that's when things really get interesting. } } You owe the Oracle a kaleidoscope. --- 1135-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "BJ Backitis" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > What happened? I just got a lot of real lame answers all > from one named 'beka' at Yahoo. Did the quality control > dude take the day off? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } BLOOMINGTON--The priesthood of the Internet Oracle today staged a } successful retaliatory insurgence against the occupying forces of the } invading Be'Ka army, believed to be controlled remotely by aliens from } the planet Yah-00. The Be'Kas, easily recognizable by their spindly } grayish robotic shapes and digital image enhancement, turned out to be } controlled as a body from a single command ship orbiting above } Bloomington. } } The command ship was destroyed by a missile called the Zone-Activated } Defensive Oracular Charge, or ZADOC, launched from the central } defensive bunker located under Swain Hall on the Indiana University } campus. The ZADOC apparently did not detonate on impact, but the } velocity with which it intercepted the Be'Ka command ship was } sufficient to destroy the vessel. } } The actual command structure of the Be'Ka Army came as a surprise, } according to Cpl. Kendai of the Oracular Army. "Yeah, we was fooled } for a while, because the robots would like talk to each other on the } ground, and give orders and stuff. There wasn't no reason for that if } they was all controlled from a command ship, after all. We finally } figured the Yah-00-ites just hadn't thought it out, and made them talk } to each other 'cause that's what regular soldiers do." } } You owe the Oracle a sequel with at least two of the following three } attributes: an actual plot, a script worth the name, and some acting. --- 1135-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > 025*"!eM y"v v @# _v#:pg53+g52< > >,:v:"Cop" < >1-005p025p59*3+>#$1-: :05g+15gg\^ > ^ _$015p635p3^p53+1g53p51+1g51_^#:$< And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Orrie, entertain me! I'm too busy to grovel or think } of a question, but entertain me anyway. And if I } don't laugh out loud I'm going to send this mass of } gibberish back until you do send me something funny. } } Yes, I'm a child of the nineties! --- 1135-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Yo, Orrie my main man, > > What is the significance of the slang term "word up?" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You must be the only person left alive who has never had to } sit waiting and waiting and waiting for Word to load. What } people usually do is hire a street urchin to sit and watch } the machine for the program to start. Once Word is ready } to go the kid yells out 'word up'. } } You owe the Oracle a WIN32 mail reader based on VIM. --- 1135-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, I have selected the finest fruits from my cherimoya orchard > and now set them before you as a tribute. Oracle, your Just Wisdom is > known from sea to sea, from mt. top to mt. top, from abyss to abyss. > Please hear my question and give answer as you see fit. > > Do any of the Deities do sub-contracting? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As far as I'm aware, all of them do. Being omnipotent doesn't mean } you've got time to do everything at once, you know, so they tend to } share the load around. Here, let me give you an example. } ---------------------------------------------------------------------- } From: Cherubim, Seraphim & Co. } To: Yahweh Elohim, Lord of Hosts } } Dear Supreme Being, } } Thanks again for accepting our bid for the ten plagues contract. } As agreed, the following pestilences will be delivered to you for } inflicting on the land of Egypt by Passover next: } } 1. Blood } 2. Frogs } 3. Gnats } 4. Flies } 5. Livestock } 6. Boils } 7. Hail } 8. Locusts } 9. Darkness } 10. Death of the firstborn } } To maximise efficiency of resource utilisation, we will be engaging a } number of reputable subcontractors to carry out some of the work. We } will ensure that all this falls within the proposed budget, of course. } } Yours sincerely, } } Manny Truelove, Seraph i/c Miracles } ---------------------------------------------------------------------- } From: Sun Macrocosms } To: Cherubim, Seraphim & Co. } } Dear Sir or Madam, } } We require clarification of your order for a plague of darkness. It } already gets dark every night. There is no charge for this - it is } part of the government contract. } } If you need darkness at some other time, please specify the hours. A } sheet of our charges is attached. } } Yours faithfully, } } Fred Apollo, Solar Engineer } ---------------------------------------------------------------------- } From: Minor Mythologies (UK) Ltd. } To: Cherubim, Seraphim & Co. } } My dear Truelove, } } The trucks are ready to roll! They are loaded with herds of the finest } British beef cattle, sheep, goats, pigs and assorted poultry. I believe } we can confidently assure you of a livestock plague that will be } remembered for years to come! } } Best wishes, } } Antonius Blair } "Buy British!" } ---------------------------------------------------------------------- } From: Belial Biotechnology } To: Manny Truelove; Cherubim, Seraphim & Co. } } Manny, } } There's a slight snag on the frog delivery front - somebody's destroyed } all the frog's eggs in the ponds for miles around. Vandals I suspect, } or perhaps Visigoths. } } Fortunately, we do have a couple of ornamental horned toads in stock, } and are at this moment encouraging them to breed. Ornamental horned } toads have, proportionate to their body weight, the largest mouths on } the planet, so they ought to make for a pretty scary plague, don't you } think? } } Regards, } } Alexandra Kelly, Amphibious Supplies Manager } ---------------------------------------------------------------------- } From: Cherubim, Seraphim & Co. } To: F. Apollo, Sun Macrocosms } } Dear Mr. Apollo, } } The client has an absolute requirement for a period of darkness of not } less than 72 hours. As we are working to a strict budget, we cannot } afford a full eclipse for that length of time at the price given on } your chargesheet. I should be grateful if you could suggest a more } economical alternative. } } Manny thanks, } } M. Truelove, Seraph i/c Miracles } ---------------------------------------------------------------------- } From: Quetzalcoatl Trading } To: Cherubim, Seraphim & Co. } } Dear Mr. Truelove, } } I wish you could have given us more notice. There's been a run on } our blood supplies recently - it'll be a relief when someone invents } refrigeration so we can stockpile greater quantities. Our blood } donors are working round the clock to meet your order but, this } being the famine season, I'm not sure we can obtain enough to fill } a whole major river system within the time available. } } Yours sincerely, } } Kevin Montezuma, Gore Merchant } ---------------------------------------------------------------------- } From: Cherubim, Seraphim & Co. } To: Nordic Pantheons AG } } Thor } } Of *course* Egypt is in the desert, you idiot - I thought everybody } knew that! Look, I need that plague of hail two weeks on Thursday, so } don't give me a lot of doubletalk about climate patterns. Just do it! } } Manny } ---------------------------------------------------------------------- } From: Cherubim, Seraphim & Co. } To: Yahweh Elohim, Lord of Hosts } } Dear God Almighty, } } Just to update you on progress. Our subcontractors working on blood, } frogs, livestock and death of the firstborn are all on schedule for } completion Passover next. There was a slight communications breakdown } re hail, which I have personally sorted out. With respect to darkness, } our subcontractor has come up with an interesting proposal. How do you } feel about sunglasses for everyone? } } My own firm is taking care of all the insects. We've got seven separate } swarms of locusts loaded up in transports ready for delivery. The gnats } are also all set and, as for the flies - you'll love this - we've } picked mayflies! We think these will make the ideal plague: not only } do they look good, but it's all over and done with in a day, so there's } no messy aftermath. We've got 200 hundredweight of pupae all timed to } metamorphose into adults on the exact date of the deadline, no extra } charge! } } Speaking of costs, our boils subcontractor informs me she cannot supply } a sufficient number of individuals with pus-filled sores to spread a } plague within the budget allocated. Apparently a recent upsurge in } hygiene has driven up prices. Would zits be a suitable low-cost } substitute for boils? There's never any shortage of spotty pubescents } and, as we all know, if you pick at zits they spread like wildfire. } } Yours sincerely, } } Manny Truelove } ---------------------------------------------------------------------- } From: Minor Mythologies (UK) Ltd. } To: Cherubim, Seraphim & Co. } } My dear Manny, } } Disaster! It's those damn French farmers again! The minute our trucks } disembarked at Calais, they were surrounded and set alight. Risk of } BSE, the scoundrels claimed. Hah! Their filthy cheese isn't even } pasteurised, so who are they to point the finger? } } The upshot is, we have several tons of charcoal-broiled beef, pork } and mutton. I don't suppose you can do anything with these? Oh, and } three French hens escaped the carnage. Because of their nationality, } I expect. I'll send them over to you. } } Yours in sorrow, } } Antonius } ---------------------------------------------------------------------- } From: Quetzalcoatl Trading } To: Manny Truelove; Cherubim, Seraphim & Co. } } Dear Mr. Truelove, } } I appreciate that the deadline is now almost upon us. Unfortunately, } it is also upon all but a handful of our blood donors. I hope you } will consider honouring their sacrifice with a small donation to the } bereaved families. } } The remaining nine donors are being sent to you together with a set } of matching ritual obsidian knives (invoice attached) and the blood } supplies we've extracted so far. I trust this will suffice to rustle } up a smallish plague. Perhaps a creek rather than a river? } } Yours sincerely, } } Kevin Montezuma } ---------------------------------------------------------------------- } From: Arthur Hades, Hades Enterprises } To: Manny Truelove; Cherubim, Seraphim & Co. } } *Firstborn*? I thought you said *frogspawn*! I've had my infernal } minions out for weeks obliterating all the frog's eggs they could } find. In future, kindly make yourself clear, dammit! } } A.H. } ---------------------------------------------------------------------- } From: Belial Biotechnology } To: Manny Truelove; Cherubim, Seraphim & Co. } } Manny, } } Sorry, no success in getting the ornamental horned toads to breed. I } guess if my partner looked like that, I'd be reluctant too. As we've } now reached the deadline, I'm sending them over to you. Try spiking } their food dispenser with Viagra or something. } } Good luck, } } Alexandra } ---------------------------------------------------------------------- } From: Nordic Pantheons AG } To: Manny Truelove; Cherubim, Seraphim & Co. } } Manny } } Those six large white objects slowly melting in your goods bay are } icebergs. So make your own bloody hail! And next time, give a proper } job specification before you start hurling insults at people. } } Thor } ---------------------------------------------------------------------- } From: Cherubim, Seraphim & Co. } To: F. Apollo, Sun Macrocosms } } Fred } } I asked for 4 *million* pairs of sunglasses, you only sent four! Where } are the rest? The deadline for delivery was yesterday! } } Manny } ---------------------------------------------------------------------- } From: Egyptian Customs Control } To: Cherubim, Seraphim & Co. } } Sirs, } } Your transports carrying gnats, mayflies and locusts are } not accompanied by correctly filled-out customs clearance papers. } They will be held at the border until we receive proper documentation. } You are advised to hurry as there is no cover for your transports here, } and it gets rather hot round about noon. } } Yours faithfully, } } Sheik Yabouti, Customs Official } ---------------------------------------------------------------------- } From: Epidemics 'R' Us } To: Manny Truelove; Cherubim, Seraphim & Co. } } Dear Mr. Truelove, } } As requested, I have sent the zit-infested pubescents directly to your } client to minimise delay. So you should only be a couple of days behind } schedule. Please do not worry about the fact that there are only ten of } the young fellows: they are very, *very* spotty. I'm sure they will be } equal to the task in hand. } } Sincerely, } } Mary Walker, Vice President for Communicable Diseases } ---------------------------------------------------------------------- } From: Bill Zebub; Driver, Cherubim, Seraphim & Co. } To: Manny Truelove } } Manny } } Where the hell are those documents? We're already seven days past } deadline, the locusts are fainting in the heat, the gnats have escaped } except for a few dead ones, and all but eight of the mayfly pupae have } now moulted, so they'll be dead too by the time they're delivered! } } Bill } ---------------------------------------------------------------------- } Heaven, Internal Memo } From: JHVH } To: Archangel Gabriel } } Gabe, } } On the 10th day past completion date, Manny Truelove sent to me: } } 10 pubescents picking } 9 donors donating } 8 mayflies moulting } 7 swarms swooning } 6 icebergs melting } 5 dead gnats } 4 sunglasses } 3 French hens } 2 horned toads } and a bill for $1,706,522.93 } } Remind me not to use these guys for the parting of the Dead Sea } project. } } The Boss