From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Wed Jan 12 00:36:15 2000 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.28) id AAA19754; Wed, 12 Jan 2000 00:10:15 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 12 Jan 2000 00:10:15 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200001120510.AAA19754@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1140 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1140 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1140 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 12 Jan 2000 00:10:15 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1140 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1135 66 votes 4brj5 8gs95 wj771 39uk4 cmn63 46so4 7iob6 hjdb6 29pjb 336gC 1135 3.0 mean 3.2 2.8 1.9 3.2 2.5 3.3 2.9 2.5 3.4 4.3 --- 1140-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh almighty Oracle, the one who I now grovel before and abase > myself. Thou art my soul and my heart's inspiration. Thou art my > fire, my desire. I just can't make it without you. Your wisdom > beams down on high as of an orbital laser. Your wit is so sharp > that Lisa has to use Bactine after snuggling with you. Never have I > gazed upon such a wonderfully omniscent deity. Please, in your > mercifulness, hear my plea.... > > In my years on this Earth, I have seen relationship after relationship > end. Few of them were mine. As an engineer, I have neither the > time nor the comeliness to have such. Every ending has been > traumatic with at lest one party leaving bawling their eyes out or > swearing death threats. I have seen more than one where the girl > would "accidentally" make contact with the guys groin with her > knee. > > My question, therefore, oh wisest of the wise, is this: > Is there a good way to break up with a girl? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, look at your "question" my little Dilbertish supplicant. } } It's your whole love life in a microcosm. } } Part Uno: Overly flowery start that promises way more } that it can or does deliver. } } Part Dos: Sudden emphasis on "I", "I", "I" and in a } poor me, innocent victim tone. } } Part Tres: Abrupt cut to the chase with all the finesse of } dropping a mackerel in someone's lap. } } But this of course was not your question.... } } Let's look at some of your previously used break-up lines: } } * You know I used to love my 486, then BAM! It was useless } I needed something faster and better, even though I did } have a lot of fun with it. Especially playing DOOM. } God, I loved that game. Big ol' stompin' evil Cyberdemon. } KABOOM! Well, you're sorta like that 486. } } Hmmm, a better approach may have been: } } I have been doing a lot of thinking about us. And about } our future. And, and, (break into sobs) I'm just not } good enough for you. You are so BEAUTIFUL. I'm holding } you back. I must let you go. I am scum. I don't deserve } a sex goddess like you. } } Let's see here, the time after that you tried this: } } * YES! I got the promotion! A 13K raise and they're paying } my moving expenses to Seattle. It's been fun babe. } I couldn't have done it without you. Bye. Oh, and 'Thanks', } but you already knew that. Now you can finish all those } jig-saw puzzles you used to work on before we met. } } A better approach may have been: } } I should have told you. I am worthless trash. You have } every right to hate me. But I haven't been honest with } you. You can't tell this to anyone...but, well, the CIA } paid my way through college. And they said someday they'd } show up when they needed me for a job. I'm being sent } to a mud floored, rat infested hut in the jungles of a } nation I am not at liberty to divulge. Can I have a } lock of your hair to remember you by? I love you baby. } } Hmm, just one more... how about the time you used this gem: } } * Hellllloooooo... ding, ding, ding. MAN! Don't you know } anything? FINE! FINE! FINE! WELL LEAVE THEN GO AHEAD! } } A better approach may have been: } } The more I think about it, the more I realize that } materialism is not for me. I, I, I've been in touch } with some fine people and I'd like to share with you } what they've taught me about Rev. Moon. } } You owe the Oracle a slide rule and a ribbed condom. --- 1140-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, you are more musical than Apollo, more muscular than > Hephaestus, stronger than Heracles, longer than--Hades, I don't have > to spout this dreck--you and I were in grade school together. > > Anyway, I have this problem. On a whim, I got a permanent. Boy, was > that a mistake. I wanted body and bounce, but my snakes became limp > and lifeless. I figure that, if you can't help me, then Lisa can. > Any ideas? > > Love and kisses to you both, > > The Gorgon Stheno And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Long time no see. Isn't it a wonder how the Internet gets old friends } back in contact? } } Anyway, I'm not sure how to answer your question as I've never had to } deal with a limp snake. Nope, never, not me. But if I were you I'd } go over to Dionysus's place and ask his son Priapus for some advice. } If there's anyone who would know how to add bounce to a lifeless snake } he'd be the one. } } You owe the Oracle some Viagra. Er, it's for a friend. Really. --- 1140-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, most wise. I have a theory and I would like your opinion > on it. I believe that all the worms on the earth have descended from > one, single worm way back in the paleolithic times. This first worm was > cut in half by a cave child and formed two worms, thus beginning the > cycle until today, where we have zillions of worms wandering through > our top soil. What do you think? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, you're interested in evolution, and you want to know what I think! } } I think that future advances in the study of evolution are threatened } by the failure of American schools to adequately teach the subject. } } I think that our science education has been undercut by religious } fanatics. } } I think that too many schools that receive public money for the purpose } of education are shamelessly wasting it on religious indoctrination, } which is the exact opposite of education. } } I think that the proper function of government is to protect the rights } of individuals. } } I think that the movie _Mr. Smith Goes to Washington_ is not an } accurate depiction of how government works. } } I think that _American Beauty_ is the best movie I've ever seen. } } I think that Kirsten Chevalier is an American beauty, but I've never } seen her, or her citizenship papers, so I could be wrong. } } I think that the best flavor of pop-tarts is the _unfrosted_ } brown-sugacinnamon that they don't make anymore for some strange } reason. They were the only ones that were good enough to be eaten } cold. } } I think that when you see a newspaper ad for a supermarket that gives a } list of products that are on sale, you should interpret it as "These } products will not be in stock today," and if you need one of them you } should go somewhere else. Any first-year economics student knows that } sellers lower prices in order to sell more units, but supermarkets } don't obey this rule. When they put an item on sale, they don't stock } any more of it then they usually do; the sale is just an advertising } tactic to attract stupid customers. } } You've heard that no one ever went broke by underestimating the } intelligence of the American people. I think it's about time someone } did. Let's organize a boycott: whenever we see a TV commercial that } insults our intelligence and gives no useful information about the } product, we should boycott the product. Remember that if you buy it, } you're paying for that commercial. } } But I suppose you really wanted to know what I think about your theory. } I don't think about it. Worms don't interest me. Eeew. } } You owe the Oracle a treatise on the cinematographical implications of } object-oriented programming. --- 1140-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What do you mean, you have a bad feeling about this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, I don't remember putting pepper in this soup, so where did all } these black specks come from? } } Urgh. They're... swimming... Now I *really* don't feel well. } } You owe the Oracle a barf bag. --- 1140-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle you are stately and ingenious and chic and blithe, > > Are there ten good things about having the flu? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. } } You owe Dhe Oracle a hodh lemuhn and honey dhring. --- 1140-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Grand Oracle, the wind around you shrieks of intelligence! The soil > you trod quakes with the weight of all that amassed wisdom. > > What are the ten worse Saint Valentine's Day gifts? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, dear supplicant, worse is relative. For example, one might say } that Tab is worse than a real cola like Pepsi or Coke (please observe } any and all trademarks, they lawyers get picky about that), but better } than say, RC. And the debate as to which is worse: Barney, } Teletubbies, or Furbies will most likely not be resolved within your } lifetime. } } However, worse than any of these is *any* Valentine's Day gift, this } being an utterly depressing and stressful holiday designed to put a } strain on any established relationship, and completely break the spirit } of those poor unfortunate soul who have no significant other to torment } them on this merry occasion. I *do* however have some personal } favorites for worst Valentine's Day gifts. Here are ten: } } 10) A puppy. They chew, they slobber, they do nasty things to your } floor. Just Say No. } } 9) Gift certificates. If you can't come up with something, don't } bother. Please. Especially if your idea of a romantic gift is a gift } certificate to Ace Hardware. } } 8) Hubcaps. Only for those who just don't get it. } } 7) Those wand-things the people at the airport use to direct the } planes on the ground. You know the ones I mean. Good for planes, bad } for house. } } 6) Original Star Trek memorabilia. Come on, William Shatner on } Valentine's Day is just too much. } } 5) Fruitcake. It's bad enough that we have to put up with these at } Christmas, but Valentine's Day? Admit it, the fruitcake was just lying } around, and you were too cheap to buy a real gift. Loser. } } 4) A karoke machine. No, no, no, NO. } } 3) "Sexy" underwear. Leopards and zebras look like that for a } reason. On humans it just looks ridiculous. And don't you think the } rhinestones are a little much? } } 2) Yourself. Don't even make me go there. } } 1) A dead monkey. Yes, I know you thought it would be incredibly } creative, and just oh so cute, and I know it was alive when you left } the store, but come on man, enough's enough. Give it up. } } You owe the Oracle a real holiday, and some of those little candy } hearts. --- 1140-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most eloquent, who knows the distinction between diction and > enunciation, whose acronyms are always pronounceable, who not long > ago ceased supplying soundbites to Dick Morris and thus forced him > out of politics, who runs the last grammar school that still gives > grades in "rhetoric", > > I, your most illiterate and poorly-spoken subject, petition you. > > I'm forming a student organization at the University of Pennsylvania > that will concern itself with all things space-related. My various > plans- guest speakers, showings of "From The Earth To The Moon", > supernova-inducing solar probes- are all going well, but I must begin > advertising for members, and I find I cannot think of a suitable > name for the group to go by! In your perfect pithyness, pray propose: > What is a suitible name for my group? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 10) The Gas Giants } 09) Lunatic Mooners } 08) Galileo's Illegitimate Children } 07) Deep Space Probers } 06) Devils in a Blue-shift } 05) Main Sequence All-Stars } 04) Astro-nuts from Uranus } 03) Roy Gbiv Lite } 02) Haley's Ajax } 01) Star Trek Fans with College Degrees --- 1140-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey Oracle, > > So, did Oracle Manor make it through the Y2K transition OK? No major > catastrophes, I hope? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ERROR: Could not load ROM BASIC } C:\> --- 1140-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Whither Onan the Barbarian? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Wherever it is that Bill hides when Hillary's around. } } You owe the Oracle a street map of Chappaqua, NY --- 1140-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > They named an airport after Reagan, a Space Center after Kennedy. > What will William Jefferson Clinton have named after him? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A sewage treatment plant in Hope, Arkansas. } } You owe the Oracle 2000 Flushes.