From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Fri Mar 10 10:13:53 2000 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.28) id JAA29894; Fri, 10 Mar 2000 09:49:34 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 10 Mar 2000 09:49:34 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200003101449.JAA29894@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1154 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1154 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1154 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 10 Mar 2000 09:49:34 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1154 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1149 78 votes 14iwn 6hsha btpc1 3jum4 4awn9 8emoa 9htf8 hijbd 57ooi 7agol 1149 3.2 mean 3.9 3.1 2.5 3.1 3.3 3.2 2.9 2.8 3.6 3.5 --- 1154-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most froody, > > On my radio, there is a knob to control its volume. However, no matter > where I set it, my radio is always exactly the same size. Why is this? > > Your Servant And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The size change may seem small to you, but to the radio it is } a big deal. Your constant fiddling with your radio's knob gives } it great pleasure. } } You owe the Oracle a retractable antenna. --- 1154-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dr Orcl. The instructions said VOID WHERE PROHIBITED, so that's what I > did. Now they want me to clean it all up. It's not fair! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You can't just pick which instructions you're going to follow. For } instance, while you followed the "void where prohibited" instruction to } the letter, you failed the "take two pills daily with water to control } mental disorder"; while you followed the "Lather. Rinse. Repeat." until } it cost you your job, you failed to follow the "Hardhats Must Always Be } Worn On-Site"; while the "Please Wait For Hostess To Seat You" was } followed to the letter, the "Employees Must Wash Hands After Using } Restroom" sign failed to even slow you down. } } You're just lucky that all you have to do is clean it up. } } You owe the Oracle a "Do Not Disturb" sign. --- 1154-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > We are third graders in Yoderville, Alabama, and we wanted to see if > you could answer a science question for us. > How many inches are in a parsec? > Thank you very much, Oracle. > > Signed, > Ms. Iberoth's third grade class. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, first of all, a note to Ms. Iberoth: } This particular incarnation is a nice, sweet, homespun individual who } likes flowers. However, occasionally, beyond the Ultimate Powers That } May Or May Not Be, a demented fruitcake whose favorite pastime is } ripping the heads off of insects and devouring boogers by the truckload } will become the Oracle for a short while, and subsequently blast your } third-grade class out of their innocence like a squirt out of a } grapefruit. } } So be more careful! } } To answer your question, though: } } A parsec, as your teacher may have told you, is roughly about 1013 } miles. There are 5280 feet in a mile, and 12 inches per foot. } } So, working it out here... } } <<>> } } Dang it, I _hate_ multiplication... } } <<>> } } Carry the one... } } Aha! Sixty-four million, two hundred seventy-nine thousand, six } hundred eighty! } } In tribute, you all owe the Oracle passing grades. --- 1154-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Rad Cool Oracle who can thread the eye of a cyberdemon with a rocket, > who can outsmart an archvile at chess, and who looks a lot better than > an imp, > > What kind of new monsters will populate Quake4? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sadly we can forget any ideas of Giant Beetles firing lasers from their } eyes, Flying Maggots, Armour Wearing Dragons, and various other } beasties stolen from early 1950s pulp Science Fiction stories. } } Remember how marketing types discovered the selling power of movies. } I.e. when Freddy Kruger flashed the brand name "Black and Decker" and } sales soared the next day. Nowdays they've discovered the negative } marketing power of casting products in the roles of "bad guys" in video } games. Secret experiments showed that computer gamers who had just } spent hours fighting for their lives against a can of Coke showed a } marked preference for Pepsi. } } In the case of Quake4, the software has been bought by McDonalds, and } is being used to halt the spreading tide of vegetarianism. Soon the } nation's youth will be reduced to a quivering mass by the mere sight of } a floret of broccoli. } } While it would be unfair to list all the monsters in Quake4, here is a } selection to give you a feel for the game. } } 1) CARROTS. No longer the passive comfort food of a certain bunny, } these nasty little orange spears are the biggest challenge on level 1. } Watch out for those little sprouts before they launch themselves from } the ground and your character dies in an orange glow. } } 2) BROCCOLI. George Bush was right! That's what you'll be thinking } after getting caught in a spore storm from these little nasties. } } 3) ONIONS. If you thought tears were the inevitable consequence of } dealing with Onions, prepare for tears, nay a flood of blood. And you'd } better make sure you're armed with something a little more effective } than a kitchen knife. } } 4) PEAS. But not just any peas. Try to imitate a famous silent movie } actor by chasing one of these little devils around the plate and see if } it just passively allows itself to be rolled around. Hint: Prepare to } die. } } 5) CABBAGE. Not even five hours of boiling is going to reduce this } enemy to a wilting relic of itself. Not even boiling in molten iron. } Prepare for the fight of your life (make sure you have at least 50 } lives in store) on level 6. } } You owe The Oracle some freshly cut Spinach and a +100 Shield of } Cholesterol. --- 1154-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, you that does not turn green with age, you that are worth > more than a plug, you that can not be dropped, you who ask for nor > give any, > > Who regulates the coinage of phrases? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The State-mint. } } You owe the Oracle one of those new Sacapotatoes dollars. --- 1154-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Um, excuse me most wonderful and amazing and fair Oracle, > but I was wondering... Isn't it about my turn by now? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, all right. Have a seat. Now, I'm going to pull you back... } back... hang onto the chain... and HERE WE GO! } } No, pump your legs! Yeah, that's better! Can you see your house } from here? } } OK, let's see you jump out! Oh, come on, you wuss. It's just tanbark. } } Ow. Well, OK, I think I have a first aid kit around here somewhere. } } You owe the Oracle a chance on the swings now. I'm tired of pushing } everyone. --- 1154-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > All hail the Oracle, the one, the only, the original! What was the > first question you ever received, and what did you ask for in return? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let me search through me files. Ah, yes. Here we are. } } The Banging-rocks-together-make-noise-Thag-in-next-valley-can-hear } Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: } } > Og here. Og need Ora-kul an-ser kwest-shun. Og say Ora-kul many } > many good smart. Og say kwest-shun now. } > } > How many don can ptera-don tear, if ptera-don can tear don? } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } This Thag in-kar-nating Ora-kul. Ora-kul know many many all thing. } } Ora-kul know Og going to ask ptera-don kwest-shun many many many many } } many many many many many many many many many time. Ora-kul much much } } hate ptera-don kwest-shun now. } } } } Ora-kul bash Og over head with big-pointy-stick-of-Zot! for asking } } bad kwest-shun. } } } } Ora-kul say an-ser 42. } } } } Og owe Ora-kul make wood-chuck e-volve now. } } *sigh* } } I've been regretting that ever since. } } You owe the Oracle a public statement of all your youthful } indiscretions. Including the one involving the cheeze-whiz and the } toupee. --- 1154-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where can I find the proofreader of my dreams? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You can locate a dream proofreader by consulting the yellow } pages, but locating one is not the main concern you should have. } } You need to exercise caution when picking out a proofreader for } your dreams. You will get wildly varying results depending } on the type of proofreader you hire. } } Consider the simple dream you had last night as checked by a } Jungian, a Freudian and a New Age Healer. } } Your dream: } } 'I was typing a message to the Oracle, I wanted help } locating a dream proofer. I hope he can help. Then } I woke up sweating." } ------- } } Jungian: } } You left out the female aspect of yourself. You have } the 'I' and the super-ego symbol (in this case The } Oracle), but not your fem-side. neglecting this makes } the dream incomplete. Redream this until you get } it right. Practice makes purrfect! } ------- } } Freudian: } } The numerous typos hid the meaning of this dream. } } I was typing a message to the Oracle, } should read: } I was tRying TO mAssage the Orifice } } I wanted help locating a dream proofer. } should read: } I wanted TO hOlD A lAcTating Cream poofter. } } I hope he can help." } should read: } I hoLe SheEP cans. help!" } ------- } } New Age Healer: } } The excessive use of the pronoun 'I' makes one thing } of the 'I'-beam girders in steel buildings that plague } the land. Replace them with soothing 'we's, you will } dream best if you plan to sleep and 'we','we','we'. } } You owe the Oracle some rubber sheets. --- 1154-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle, > > How can I use email and the Internet. Acutally, all I want to do is to > ask you questions and read Oracularity digests. > > Many thanks. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, you see, it all started when I was summoned by the Oracle. The } summons took the usual form, that is, one of the senior priests - Otis, } in this instance - came and grabbed me by the ear and dragged me to the } Oracular Chamber, struggling and protesting. He propelled me into said } Chamber with a well-placed boot on the seat of the pants. I sometimes } think that the Oracle believes my resulting entrance - bursting in and } falling on my hands and knees - is some sort of deliberate devotional } exercise on my part, which shows you how much *he* knows. } } Yes, yes, I'm getting to the point. What happened next on this occasion } was that the Oracle held up a scrap of paper and asked, "Zadoc, what } the hell is this?" } } Now you have to be very careful when the Oracle asks something like } "Zadoc, what the hell is this?" because, more often than not, the } question has some hidden meaning. But I couldn't divine what that might } be, so I went for the direct approach and hoped for the best. "Lord, it } looks like a piece of paper." } } "Is that what it is?" asked the Oracle, adopting his usual tone of } ponderous sarcasm which is, if you want my opinion, unbecoming of a } supreme being. "Well I never! Thank you for clearing that up for me, } Zadoc. I'm so glad I summoned you clear across the temple and dragged } you away from whatever important loafing you were getting on with so } you could supply me with that piece of intelligence." } } "Will that be all, Master?" I asked hopefully. } } "Idiot!" he bellowed. "Of course it's a piece of paper! But what is its } significance?" } } It was as I feared: he was in one of his ah-Grasshopper-one-hand- } clapping sort of moods. I prevaricated. "Ah well, what is the } significance of any item of everyday stationery in the grand scheme of } things, after all? Do Post-it notes really matter? Do paperclips? And } what is one to read into those balls of rubber bands all wrapped around } each other that you so often find in the bottom drawers of other } people's desks? Could it be that..." } } "Shut up, shut up, shut UP!" cried the Oracle. "For bog's sake, Zadoc, } all I want to know is, did you slip this piece of paper under my door } this morning?" } } Enlightenment dawned. "Oh, *that* piece of paper!" } } "Yes, *that* piece of paper! The one with the question about using } email and the Internet. Well, did you?" } } "Yes, Master." } } The Oracle heaved a sigh and ran his hand across his brow. "Thank } goodness we got that sorted out. Who's it from?" } } I was puzzled by this sudden obtuse question. "Why, from me, Master." } } "THE QUESTION!" he screamed, and buried his head in his hands. Perhaps } he had a headache. That would explain why he was so particularly tetchy } today. } } "Oh, ah. From a supplicant. He asked me to give it to you." } } "Which supplicant?" } } "I don't know. They all look the same to me." } } "So how would you like me to answer?" } } "Well, far be it from a humble worm of a priest like me to give you } tips on answering questions, but I would have thought something along } the lines of..." } } "No, merde-for-brains! I don't want to know what my answer should be, I } want to know how I'm going to answer!" } } Damn, he'd gone cosmic on me again. I did my best. "The way I see it, } Master, is that somewhere in that gigantic intellect of yours there is } a little bundle of neurones whose sole purpose in life is to recognise } strings of words that form a question. Now these neurones must be } linked to a colossal array of..." } } My discourse was interrupted by a paperweight hitting me on the } forehead. When I recovered consciousness, I saw that the Oracle had } regained some of his composure. Random acts of violence often have that } effect on him. } } "How do I normally transmit my wisdom to supplicants, Zadoc?" he asked } equably, changing the subject. } } "By email?" I ventured. } } "Very good! Go to the top of the class. But this supplicant doesn't } know how to use email, does he? He tells us so. So how do I communicate } with him?" } } "Snailmail," I said with more confidence. These at least were questions } I could get a handle on: simple and to the point. } } "So you made a note of the supplicant's address, did you?" he asked } innocently. } } "Oh." I realised it had all just been another one of his traps designed } to make me look foolish. It's so unfair! My mother will tell you how } bright I really am. } } "Didn't think so," said the Oracle. "So here's what I've done. While } you were lying there admiring the ceiling, I wrote my answer on the } back of this self-same slip of paper. You may now deliver it to the } supplicant personally." } } "How should I do that?" } } He switched back to ponderous sarcasm mode. "Well, far be it from me to } give a humble worm of a priest like you tips on delivering messages, } but I would have thought something along the lines of putting the piece } of paper in one hand, opening the door with the other and then..." } } "No, Master," I cried, my agitation causing me to forget myself to the } extent of interrupting him in mid-rant. "I meant, how do I find this } supplicant?" } } "That's your problem," said the Oracle mercilessly. "If it were me, I'd } start next door. Cheer up, Zadoc - there can't be much more than 6 } billion people in the world who don't know how to use email. It has to } be one of them." } } So anyway, the upshot is, I'm here to ask... Oh, it wasn't you, eh? No, } I didn't really expect it would be. You wouldn't happen to know whether } your neighbors are Net-savvy, would you? Well, thank you very much for } your time. } } *sigh* } } Fifteen down, 6,049,401,806 to go. --- 1154-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, whose boogers I cannot pick ... please answer my > question: how will I ever get a girlfriend when I can't even impress my > own mom! Can you help me? Please? Thanks! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Not talking about 'boogers' is a good place to start.