From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Wed Apr 12 13:04:14 2000 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.29) id MAA10853; Wed, 12 Apr 2000 12:43:00 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 12 Apr 2000 12:43:00 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200004121743.MAA10853@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1160 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1160 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1160 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 12 Apr 2000 12:43:00 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1160 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1155 66 votes 4kgj7 19cmm 2cqh9 5iod6 8knb4 2fggh 8sk64 jkg83 5iod6 4rr62 1155 3.0 mean 3.1 3.8 3.3 3.0 2.7 3.5 2.5 2.3 3.0 2.6 --- 1160-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > So-so wait a second Orrie, hold on...I'm sorry I'm not getting this, > but it's more complicated than I thought...you're saying that...when > the zebra opens the can of peas...that's the trigger for the flying > monkeys to turn on the water. So, if that's true, how does the pilot > know which door to use -- and who's got the uranium? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ok, let's start at the beginning. } } 1. Drop a feather. } 2. Molecules stir, causing a huge chaotic chain reaction in the } atmosphere. Tornado forms. } 3. House is picked up, dropped in Oz. } 4. Witch is crushed by house. Flying monkeys swarm. } 5. House is returned to Kansas, with flying monkeys in tow. } 6. In mid-flight, airplane crashes into house, pilot ejects into living } room. } 7. House is dropped on power lines in zoo. Zebra cages are opened. } House catches fire. } 8. Can of peas roll out of pantry. Zebra steps on can, opening it. } 9. Flying monkey pelted with peas, react by screeching and turning on } firehoses. } 10. Pilot finds two doors, feels them both. He chooses the one that is } not hot, and escapes. } 11. Zookeeper runs out to address the commotion, falls into large hole. } Finds uranium chunk. } 12. Pilot trips over the zookeeper as he climbs out of the hole, } uranium flies through the air. } 13. Water pools, flows to sewers. Uranium is washed down the drain. } } So as you can see, the pilot chooses the door which has no fire behind } it, by feeling for heat. And by deduction, the Teenage Mutant Ninja } Turtles have the uranium. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of The Incredible Machine. --- 1160-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most big, who has returned from beyond the pale with some > neat interior decorating tips > > Why is it we persist in calling people who have escaped from prison > escapees? Surely, if they have escaped from prison they are *escapers*, > and the escapees are actually the prison guards, or at the least, the > prison itself. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Very few English majors work as prison guards. --- 1160-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Gigundous Oracle, you are so big that I find you disgusting. I am not > good at appreciating anything that's better than I am, and you are so > much: > - smarter > - bigger > - better smelling > - more sanitary > - honest > - trustworthy > - colorful > - rich > - hardworking > than I am that I feel sick every time I even think of you. Why I > bother sending you questions when I dislike you, I've never figured > out. > > Anyway, I've aleays wondered about Superman, and now I wonder even > more. Remember when he went to change from Clark Kent to Superman in > the first Superman movie? And he looked at a "modern" phone booth that > wasn't a booth at all, and chose to use a revolvolving door instead? > Well now that everyone has cell phones, the public phone and its booth > are destined for oblivion. How will Clark Kent effect the change next > time? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Heck, he could totally disrobe in public now-a-days and no one would } care. } } But since he wants to keep his identify a secret (this is for tax } reasons by the way) here are places you, opps!, -he- could hide. } {wink,wink} } } + Viewing booth in an X-rated bookstore } } + Carry a card box around and jump in it to change, people } will just think you're a homeless person. } } + Go under Bill Clinton's desk, even the Secret Service can't } see what's going on under there. } } + Carry a sign that sez, will dress up like a superhero for } food. People think it's just your 'routine'. } } + Grab a passing dog, squeeze it with your super strength in a } manner that will cause the canine to feel a need to defecate } pretend to be the pet's owner as it does it's doggie stuff... } -everyone- averts their eyes from that event. } } + Jump into a car, use your super xray eyes to darken the glass, } change, then flee. Owners will be jazzed to have cool windows } when they return. } } + Scream "NOOO! THE ALIENS HAVE COME TO FORCE ME TO UNDER GO } ANOTHER PROBING!!" then leap out of your clothes in a flash } and zoom off into the stratosphere. This will work real } well in California, trust me on this one. } } + On the flip side; stomp foot into the ground and yell, "NO, } SATAN! YOU SAID NOT UNTIL NEXT FRIDAY!" Then crack the ground } open and fall into the hole, closing it up behind you. } } You owe the Oracle a ticket for speeding on Lois Lane. --- 1160-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 10. A cat peeking sideways from the other side of the refrigerator } door. He KNOWS he's not support to get into the beer! } 9. A giant fish creeping from behind a rock, about to eat the } biggest, juiciest worm and fish hook it's ever seen. } 8. Count Dracula in a white tux. } 7. PacMan as he's being eaten by those pesky ghosties. } 6. Two parts of a mysterious equation written almost entirely in } invisible ink. } 5. The Alps, as seen from Greenland. } 4. Ant construction signs (what, you thought they didn't work?). } 3. Madonna from an aerial position. } 2. Spock as a young child (so his ears stuck out a little!). } } And now for the finale... } } 1. Two boring, plain old, unimaginative >'s. } } You owe the Oracle a more imaginative spirit on such a dreary day. --- 1160-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ross Clement The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Oracle, most immortal, who has never had to read a health > > Could you please give me a brief summery of the informational > pamphlet, "So You're Going to Die A Horrible, Gruesome Death > In The Next Twelve Hours"? I'm sorta in a hurry... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant, actually I -can not- summarize it for you, it's } copy written. Why, if the authorities found you with a bootleg } copy of it you could get sent to jail. But, below is the } table of contents. I'll send Zadoc down to the post office } to mail a copy to you, free of charge. The Oracle is way over } here for you in this time of need. } } | | | | | | } -+- -+- -+- You're about to Die -+--+--+- } | | | A Self-help Guide | | | } | | | | | | } } Intro: Everyone dies. Presidents, goldfish, Queens and tarts. } It's just you're about to do so in mere hours. And we're } here to help. We've read up on dying and talked to the } experts so you don't have to, you simply don't have } enough time for that.[0] } } Each Chapter is just two pages long, with pictures even. } Scan them quickly. There's a good chance your eyesight } will be going presently. } } Chapter 1: OH MY GOD! Surely this is a mistake! } Chapter 2: Why you shouldn't go on a killing spree } Chapter 3: Why you should call a lawyer FIRST } Chapter 4: Where there's a will, there's angry relatives } Chapter 5: Sympathy Sex & How to Get It } Chapter 6: Saying No to Video Taping } Chapter 7: Three things you can Buy that you can Really Use } Chapter 8: Burn or Bury? It's your Body. } Chapter 9: Religion, Help or Hindrance? } Chapter 10: Time Wasters to Avoid } Chapter 11: Funny Credit Card Tricks } Chapter 12: What to Wear } Chapter 13: Why Death will Not make a Deal with You } } [0] References: } The Bible, Yahweh and others } Tibetan Book of the Dead, Bob Yeti } Egyptian Book of the Dead, Ann Nubis } American Book of the Dead, Jerry Garcia } Dying for Dummies, Bob Jones } My First Book of Death, Jon Benet --- 1160-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ross Clement The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oh oracle most wonderful and gracious and all that sort of bullshit. > > what is the meaning of life? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } * Life is a mission. Every other definition is false and lead all } who accept it astray. The mission by the way is classified and you } are not authorized to know what it is about. } Guiseppe Maizerynner } } * Life is dumb board game, oh yeah, and a kind of cereal that tastes } like wet cardboard. } Alvin Roge } } * The sole meaning of life is to serve humanity fries. } Leo McTolstoy } } * Life is not being dead. Or locked in a closet 24/7. } Patrick Hurstz } } * No human being ever learns to live until he has awakened to the } dormant powers within him. The next step is getting out of bed. } James Williams } } * Life is a bowel of chocolates. } DeForest Kelley } } * We are all functioning at a small fraction of our capacity to live } fully in its total meaning of loving, caring, creating and wild } adventuring. This is because we have to spend so much time at work } so that we can pay the rent and eat. } Herbert Ohno } } * Life is a slick trick used by minerals to get moved around the } world. } Carl Saybillionagain } } * Boys, Life is only a game. But it's like cards in that you will } be dealt some bad hands. Take each hand, good or bad, and don't } whine and complain but play it out. Now deal you little punk or } fold and get away from the &$^$in' the table. } Dwight D Bossman } } * Life is, deal with it. } St. Eric of The Obvious --- 1160-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise,should I move to Los Angeles or San Francisco? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, that really depends on you! Please complete the following } questionnaire: } } 1) I intensely dislike : } a) flat ground. } b) breathing. } c) either of those choices. } } 2) I enjoy immensely : } a) the chance to see the ocean, but I probably won't, what with } the fog and the traffic. } b) the chance to see Hollywood celebrities, but I probably won't, } what with the constant crowds and traffic. } c) staying at home and reading, or going out to a movie. } } 3) I would like to pay this amount for rent : } a) $1150 for a one-bedroom apartment. } b) $2250 for a studio apartment. } c) what are you, nuts? No one pays that much! Besides, I want a } house! } } 4) What I love in a sunset : } a) What sunset? It's too cloudy out to see the sun! } b) Absolutely stunning colors, but I can hardly tell with this } damned gas mask in the way. } c) Just simple beauty. } } 5) What I love in a region's weather : } a) A change every five minutes. Boy, I love being surprised! } b) A heavy, fog-like substance that gives a sickly yellowish hue } to everything. It could be cloudy today; I can't see the sky. } c) Sunny, with light clouds. } } If you've chosen mostly a, then you should move to San Francisco. } If you've chosen mostly b, then you are a sick, sick person who is } most likely psychotic in every way, and so you should go back home } to Los Angeles. If you've chosen mostly c, then STAY HOME!! } } You owe the Oracle your moving boxes. --- 1160-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most Froody, > > Why is it that Petrol stations seem obsessed with giving away free > glasses? Are they trying to promote drinking and driving? > > Your Servant And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, but not in the way you're thinking. } } With the advent of the actually _useful_ electric car just around } the bend, the oil companies have realized that the only other market } besides cars that they could really break into would be beverage } production. And while sipping a quart of Unleaded may not seem to you } like a very tasty nor intelligent thing to do, the children of the } future will think differently, especially if told by their parents } from this generation that it is terribly, terribly bad for them. } Of course, that means that tomorrow's teens won't live all that long, } but at least we'll be able to bury them in the ground and replenish } all those fossil fuels we've been removing for centuries. } } You owe the Oracle a pint of Exxon. --- 1160-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence (lawrence.4@osu.edu)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is it true? Are bears catholic? Does the pope, well, you know... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, they are (except the Russian ones who are Orthodox, and Pandas } who are quite clearly Buddhists). No, he used to, but he got fed up } with all the bears. They kept trying to gain an audience while he } was in the middle of, well, you know, ... } } You owe the Oracle an essay entitled "Certainty in modern Roman } Catholic teachings - defecation and the ursine influence", in the } style of A.A.Milne. --- 1160-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Finish the quote: > > "Life is like a box of rockets..." And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 10) it's illegal to have fun with in California. } 09) you got to light a fire under its butt or it just sits there. } 08) a bang, some fireworks, then you fall to the ground as spent } trash. } 07) letting dippy Uncle Steve be in charge of it isn't a good idea. } 06) the safest ones are in the USA, but if you want fun and danger, } go to Mexico. } 05) the duds are the only ones people remember. } 04) the directions are in Mandarin, the expiration date is unknown } and the wind seems hell-bent on blowing your matches out. } 03) may seem like a good idea to begin with, but just wait until } someone get's an eye put out. } 02) a lot of sound and fury signifying nothing. } 01) no matter what people say, it's the big ones that attract the } most 'oohhs' and 'ahhhs'. } } You owe the Oracle a safe and sane suitcase sized hydrogen bomb.