From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Fri Jul 21 08:42:27 2000 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.29) id IAA13320; Fri, 21 Jul 2000 08:23:06 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 21 Jul 2000 08:23:06 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200007211323.IAA13320@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1174 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1174 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1174 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 21 Jul 2000 08:23:06 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1174 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1169 76 votes fmke5 4cdsj a8gnj 8dojc 5qnl1 felag bnp89 4nsi3 bwq70 amoc8 1169 3.0 mean 2.6 3.6 3.4 3.2 2.8 3.0 2.8 2.9 2.4 2.8 --- 1174-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > + Evils nag apart, Lunacy a war! A few erases... > Are we faraway? Can Ultra pagans live? > > + Cigar? Toss it in a can! It is so tragic. > > + Sh! Tom sees moths! > > + Was it a rat I saw? > > + No, Miss. It is Simon. > > + Was it a car or a cat I saw? > > + Mad am I Madam? > > + Nurses run. > > + Bosses S.O.B. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } AHHHHHHHHA! } } I did, did I? } } He did, eh? } } Dammit, I'm mad! } } The Oracle is owed de wosiel caro. Eh, T? --- 1174-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, whose toenail clippings I am unworthy to vacuum, please > spare a kernal of wisdom for your ignorant supplicant. > > Could you please tell me what I look like? Everytime I look in a > mirror it cracks. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sure. You look pretty much like this: } } \/ } \ _ \ \ | } \/ \ \ | / } / \ \ | __/ } / \---*-----++/ } /\ / } / \_____ \_/ } } You owe the Oracle a new monitor. --- 1174-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the significance of 42 in relation to Pi? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 42 / 3.14 = 13.38 } 13.38 * 42 = 561.96 } trunc(561.96) = 561 } 5 + 6 + 1 = 12 } 1 + 2 = 3 } 3 * 3.14 = 9.42 } 9.42 + 42 = 51.42 } reverse digits = 24.15 } 24.15 - cost of haircut = 14.15 } 14.15 + 0.0016 = 14.1516 } 14.1516 - lifespan of goldfish in minutes = 12.13 } 12.13 + hours spent playing Diablo 2 = 57.8 } 57.8 - 3.14 = 54.66 } 54.66 - number of Wolverine's claws = 48.66 } 48.66 - 6.66 = 42 } 42 / 3.14 = 13.38 } 13.38 * 42 = 561.96 } trunc(561.96) = 561 } 5 + 6 + 1 = 12 } 1 + 2 = 3 } 3 * 3.14 = 9.42 } 9.42 + 42 = 51.42 } } aargh... repeating deceptables... } } You owe the Oracle a new calculator, one that } can handle goldfish better. --- 1174-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, oh Oracle most grand - why does the DC Metro system suck more > than any other public transportation system in any major city besides > Atlanta, and why is it the most expensive!? > > Oh, and why can't I live in Boston? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You're going about it all wrong. You know those lights on the edge of } the platform that supposedly get brighter the closer a train is to the } station? Stare into one of them. Look closer. Closer. } Clo-o-o-o-o-ser... } } There, you see? It's not bad at all. You enjoy the long, slow } escalator ride behind the dense pack of gaping tourists because it } gives you plenty of time to think. The turnstiles never fail to read } your card correctly and deduct the proper fare, which you feel is a } completely reasonable price, because you didn't need that dental } checkup anyway. You love the dark "semicircular waffle iron" } architectural motif of all the underground stations. And the fact that } they all look exactly the same means there are no jarring surprises } during your commute! The only surprises are gentle ones, such as when } you finally figure out what that substance is that's been ground into } the carpet under your feet. Yes, you now have five favorite colors, } and they are Red, Yellow, Orange, Blue, and assuming they ever finish } the construction that's been going on since the days of Pierre } L'Enfant, Green. } } Boston, on the other hand, ew, what a nasty place. At any moment, the } subway tunnels could collapse and cause you to drown in not just water, } but that icky Boston Harbor water. And what kind of a system can you } run for an 85-cent fare? They must have to skimp on all the extras. } Why, some of their trains get their electricity from ugly overhead } wires, not a warm and soothing third rail. And then they have to go } right out on the street, where they could hit a car or worse at any } moment. So just relax, sit back, close your eyes, and enjoy the } never-ending ride you're being taken on by the Washington Metropolitan } Area Transportation Authority...the governmental body with the happy } difference. } } Meanwhile, you owe this Southern California-dwelling incarnation of the } Oracle residence in an alternate universe where the Los Angeles subway } system is of comparable size to the New York subway system. --- 1174-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Magnificent Oracle whose every word is teeming with purpose, > > Did life really originate in the sea? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Supplicant, } } It was with some sense of dread that I read your pleading. } } Until this instant humankind has been blissfully unaware of the } true origin of Earth life, smugly patting themselves on the back for } 'discovering' that life evolved in the sea. } } However...what they failed to realise was that for the last 200 years } I have been sending subconscious messages to the Earths' greatest } minds (now there's a contradiction!) regarding the origin of life. } Oh, they got the message alright, there was just one small (ahem) } problem...that of interpretation. } } They heard 'sea', when what I actually meant 'C'. Of course since } then Life Evolution Tools have been upgraded to C++, with a Java } version currently undergoing beta testing. } } I trust this sorted the matter out. } } BTW please don't ask me about 'space' - having to tell you about the } giant keyboard would be upsetting for everyone. --- 1174-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Oracle most wise, who knows everything forwards and backwards, > please answer this inquiry. > > Since we missed 1991, and the next one won't come around for another > 110 years, what do we need to do to get 2002 declared the year of the > palindrome? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1. Buy a Senator. If you can manage to find a good garage sale, you } may be able to buy a few. } } 2. If it's a Model XGHJ1997-A, -B, or -C, open the compartment on the } back and look for the "pork" module. The board should have a pinkish } tint to it and have several yellow wires coming off it. } } 3. Locate the 8-pins with a jumper in the following position: } } * * Top } * * } * * } X-X Bottom } } and move the jumper thusly: } } * * Top } X-X } * * } * * Bottom } } 4. Next you'll have to cut the small wire leading from the small } morals chip in the 2nd quadrant of the motherboard to the speech } module. He may stutter a bit at first, but the AI circuitry should } adapt within 3-5 days. } } 5. Press the reset button in the 3rd quadrant of the motherboard and } close him up. There may be some sparking, but that is normal. Some } models before 1995 have been known to slaughter some neighborhood pets } due to an error in the machine's "God" module, but if you keep those } pets safely indoors for two weeks, this danger should pass. } } 6. One evening, while your senator is serving you dinner, casually } bring up the subject of making 2002 the Year of the Palindrome. If } you've performed these steps I've laid out properly and in the correct } sequence, the wheels of government will have been set in motion by } now. } } Note To Those Users Who Are Concerned They May Be Violating Their } Service Warranty: Relax. The warranty on any model before 1998 will } have already run out by now. Do the math. } } Note To Those Users Who Are Concerned With The Ramifications Of Making } 2002 The Year Of The Palindrome: PRO-The government may give you the } whole year off. CON-You'll only be able to write and speak words that } are spelled the same way forward and backward, leading to a new } dictionary that adds 2,791 palindromes to the English language. } } Ewe owo ethte Oraclelcaro a 2002 wordrow essayasse ono radar. --- 1174-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most kosher, please pause from one of your labors and > answer my polite scream for insight, > > We want to name our school football team after you sir. > > What should we call ourselves? What should our mascot be? > Could you come up with a cheer for us? > > Thank you! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, well, well... } } Irony of ironies, I, the quintessential icon of geekdom, will now have } a football team named after me. } } What next? Jerry Falwell's own girlie magazine? Yasser Arafat's own } synagogue? Regis Philbin's own game show? Oh wait, they tried that } one. } } Well, as for names, the Oracles springs most readily to mind, except } that, first of all, that's a damn stupid name for a football team, and } second of all, THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE ORACLE, AND THAT ORACLE IS ME! } Understood? } } The Priests? Eh, I don't think the guys would dig being associated } with a bunch of pale, celibate old men in dresses... } } The Incarnations? Too long and hard to spell, we don't want to confuse } the jocks... } } The Zots? Now, that's good, nice and aggressive, while still } associated with the whole Oracle mystique... Only the name just begs } for a Freudian slip misspelling. These are teenagers. } } Oh, let's just skip to my core group of worshipers... } } The Geeks! Now there's a catchy name, obvious imagery for the mascot, } and it does strike fear into people's hearts. (Just get the opposing } team's cheerleaders to imagine dating one, and their hearts will sink } too low for any school spirit or perkiness to escape, thus sending the } team into a deep depression and winning you the game!) } } Hmm... football jocks wouldn't like being called geeks? Well, screw } 'em! Dump 'em all, and replace them with my loyal computer science } devotees! You heard me! You want my support for your team, those are } my terms! Don't worry about their lack of muscle, endurance, skill, or } team spirit--you don't need any of that crap, not with my divine } interventions coming in. (Can you say crispy quarterback? Or } lightning-broiled linebacker?) And you can forget the cheer... Coming } within twenty feet of a cheerleader would probably make those guys go } into a dead faint. You can just send your cheerleaders to me, thanks. } They can, ahem, help out around the house when Lisa's out. } } You owe the Oracle this year's State Championship. I've got a } reputation to protect here! --- 1174-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > All bow before The Wise Oracle who is willing to admit that he may > not always be right, but that he is never wrong. > > Why do people prefer legend to reality? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's all in the way they're packaged. Legend has delicious } sounding flavours like "King Arthur's Excalibur Vanilla" and } "Robin Hood's Rocky Road Arrow" whereas Reality packaged for } a more fringe market with flavours like "Pain & Suffering } Strawberry" and "This Chocolate Sucks". Plus, Legend has } always focused on more exotic sounding names like "Hawaiian } Tropical Paradise" compared to Reality's more bleak "Trailer } Park Trash Crash". And while Reality comes in almost as } many flavours as Legend, it's hard for "Lost My Job Java" } to compete with "Oracles and Ogs Orange Sherbert". } } You owe the Oracle a tub of "This Chocolate Sucks". It's } actually quite good... honest. --- 1174-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most allegedly wise and supposedly witty, > > I've been corresponding with you quite some time now, and I've answered > lots of questions for you, and, if I do say so myself, I've always been > pretty damn wise and witty. > > But every time I've ventured to send you a tellme, all I've ever gotten > are lousy responses with not one iota of wisdom or wittiness to your > name! > > I'm not looking for a ZOT, here, but could you just tell me why so many > of your Incarnations seem to lack the Oracular touch? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Fear not my faithful incarnation, for tonight you will be visited by } spirits three. } } I know, I know, I wanted Michael Caine and Christopher Reeve to reprise } their roles from "Deathtrap," and answer your question in a } dance-filled musical number with Vegas showgirls twirling Reeve around } in his wheelchair, but on such short notice I was lucky to get the } priests to agree to a a parody of "A Christmas Carol." Anyhoo, have a } good night. I'm off to St. Andrews for the All Deities Invitational. } } > Can't we chalk this up to a bit of bad potato } > and just pretend I got another lame answer? } } No, I'm afraid not. I've already paid for the costumes. } } > Ok, then. Good luck in the tournie. } } Thanks! I'll bring you a snowglobe. } } } } } } Oh, I forgot, expect the first ghost when the bell tolls } ooooooooooone....... ooOOOOoooOOOhhh! } } } } } } } } > Hubba hubba. } } Julsy: Shut up. Let's get this over with. I am the ghost of Digests past, blahbetty blah blah blah. } You know the speil. Let's go. } } } } > Who's that? } } Julsy: That's Peter Grap. He's typing the answer that will be digested } as #22-01. } } } } > Oof. That stinks. Peter! There's no grovel! } > Punish him for no grovel! And you forgot to } > include a tribute! Don't hit... send. You hit } > send. } } Julsy: He can't hear you. } } > I don't get it. That answer sucked. } } Julsy: Well, you're thinking about the "old days" as somehow being } better than today. } } > So you're saying that supplicants always } > sucked and that the material that gets to } > the digests is the exception not the rule? } } Julsy: Exactly. Ok, time's up, let's go. } } } } > Lemme guess, the ghost of Digests present. } } Paul: Yup, let's go. } } } } > Is that Peter Grap? } } Paul: No. That's Steve-Q. He's writing the answer that will become } #1175-04. } } } } > Oof. That's worse than the answer Peter gave. } > Ok, Paul, I don't get it. } } Paul: It's simple, really, there's such an overwhelming amount of crap, } that we get lucky when we find funny answers. That's why the digests } come out so far apart. Sometimes, it's down to a matter of just picking } answers that stink less than the others. Every once in a while, really } funny answers get lost in the cracks. Ok, we gotta split, you're late } for the last ghost. } } } } > Ok, ok, I'm sorry. Paul wouldn't stop yacking. } } } } > Hook? When did you become a priest? } } Hook: In 2003, when all the other priests quit in disgust after JIM's } baboon/proctologist challenge to RHOD. Ok, lets go. } } } } Young man: *ZOT!* } } > You're kidding. Years from now they'll still } > be giving *ZOT!* as an answer? } } Hook: No no no. Since I became priest, all plagiarized answers were } banned. *ZOT!* is the only thing that can get into the digests without } borrowing from another answer, so EVERY answer is a *ZOT!* } } > No spirit! This can't be! Please tell me this } > is a future that *may* be! That the future is } > not set in stone! } } } } > YOU! You there! Yes you! What day is it? } } Bum: You got change? Spare change? *hic* } } > Oh dammit. } } } } > I'm not too late! I can change the future! I will } > be a great incarnation! I'll spread the word and } > others will be great incarnations as well! We } > *can* save the future of the Oracle! } } } } Hey. How'd it go? } } > Pretty good. And you? } } Not bad. Zeus kicked butt... again. Oh! Hey, here's your snowglobe. } } > Thanks man. } } See ya. } } > Catch ya later. } } } } And if you owe the Oracle anything, it's that you will be better than } your word, that you will do it all and infinitely more. Because God } help us, every one, if Hook becomes a priest. --- 1174-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > With all the stuff I need to get done, I could really use a 30-hour day > instead of these piddling little 24-hour ones. What are my chances? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Welcome to the Oracular Interplanetary Travel Agency! } } Here, we take our time to bring YOU, the harried, overworked supplicant } to the planet that best suits your needs! Take a look at our brochure! } We've conveniently listed the pros and cons of each planet most likely } to be relevant to your position... } } MERCURY } } Pros: } } - Each local day is almost sixty terrestrial days long! You can lose } ten pounds, initiate a short-term relationship, or learn a foreign } language before lunch! } } Cons: } } - The local year is only about one and a half local days long... } Meaning tax day will come far too often for your liking. As will } having to send Christmas cards and the Miss Mercury pageant. } } - There is no atmosphere, meaning actually speaking the foreign } language will be difficult. } } - The average temperature during the day is over 700 degrees } Fahrenheit, meaning you'll probably lose those ten pounds really } quickly, especially if you're a sunbather. } } - The average temperature at night is under minus 300 degrees } Fahrenheit, meaning you'll want those ten pounds back for insulation, } if you survive that long. } } - The planet is completely uninhabitable, so there's no one to start a } long-term relationship with, assuming you survive long enough to worry } about that sort of thing before either being reduced to a charred } fragment of dead tissue (if you arrive during the day) or a frozen } fragment of dead tissue (if you arrive at night). } } VENUS } } Pros: } } - A whole two hundred forty-three terrestrial days per local day! } That's right, from now on a school year will only take one day! } Hallelujah! } } Cons: } } - The local year is actually shorter than the local day, meaning } you'll have to spend a lot of money buying new calendars. } } - The atmosphere is deadly toxic sulfur fumes, which makes sitting in } class just that much more annoying. (And you thought sitting next to } "Sweaty" Sullivan was bad...) } } - The planet is completely obscured by clouds of deadly sulfuric acid, } so you'll have a hard time getting home for the holidays. } } - The above fact means the planet is constantly plunged in darkness, } making life difficult for people who enjoy stargazing, sunbathing, } reading, walking around, etc. } } - The temperature is over 840 degrees Fahrenheit, so summer vacation } will become that much less appealing. Not that there are seasons, or } anything... } } - You think your classroom's stuffy? The greenhouse effect makes this } planet the hottest planet in the whole friggin' Solar System, over 840 } degrees Fahrenheit. } } - The planet is completely uninhabitable, so higher education won't do } you much good here. No matter what your degree, there are few } high-paying jobs for fried, poisoned, acid-burned carcasses. } } THE MOON } } Pros: } } - The day is about the same as a terrestrial month, which is why the } Moon always has the same face turned toward Earth. Not only does this } mean you can keep in touch with everyone much more easily, but you can } head over to the other side when you wanna be alone for a while. Plus, } now every day is payday! } } Cons: } } - During the day, it's boiling hot, literally, over 200 degrees at } night, it's less than minus 200 degrees Fahrenheit, not too fun no } matter which shift you work. } } - The gravity is less than a sixth of Earth's, which is all very fun } in the beginning (remember all those Apollo guys' antics?) but it gets } kind of frustrating bouncing halfway across the landscape every time } you take a step. } And you may be losing weight, but you won't actually look any } different. (Well, except that you're turning all blue from oxygen loss } and your skin's puckering from the radiation burns, but that's a } different con.) } } - There's absolutely no atmosphere at all, which, while a big con for } a restaurant, is an even bigger one for a planet (or satellite, which } is what the Moon technically is, all right, you picky people?) } Likewise, no water, unless you can find that crater those news people } got so excited about. Air and water are not only vital working } conditions that any self-respecting union will demand for its members, } they are also vital to ensuring that you remain, well, vital. This is } why there are no unions, as yet, for Moon labor. } } - Frankly, the place is completely uninhabitable. (Noticing a trend?) } The only reason people came here at all was for a big publicity stunt } that probably won't benefit you much unless you're a Congressman with } big interests in the space program. If you are, then go right ahead! } Sure beats having more of you guys on Earth... } } MARS } } Pros: } } - The local day is just about the same as a terrestrial day, except } there's an extra half-hour every day! Perfect for watching an extra } episode of Seinfeld, or playing one more game of Horse before having to } head home. } } Cons: } } - The year is nearly twice as long as a terrestrial year, meaning it } can really drag by sometimes. Mars has seasons, so you'll have to } spend that much longer waiting for the spring. } } - The temperature is freezing even in the day, and gets down below 200 } degrees at night, making it a less than ideal spot to play basketball. } } - The planet is regularly racked by huge, sweeping dust storms, making } it less than ideal for ANY outdoor sport, or for watching TV. } } - While there are sources of water near the poles, they are mixed with } dry ice, which tends to burn rather badly when you stick it in your } mouth. Not the kind of thing you want to worry about after a sweaty } game. } } - The atmosphere is a nearly nonexistent layer of carbon dioxide, } making it kind of hard to catch your breath after a long game, or a } particularly hilarious Kramer moment. } } - The gravity here is less than half that of Earth, which might } improve your jump shot, but, on the other hand, is more likely to make } it nearly impossible for you to walk normally and will eventually } weaken your bones and muscles to the point when going back into Earth } gravity would kill you. Not a great way to stay in shape. } } - Though not completely uninhabitable, surviving out here would be } danged difficult, and most of us wouldn't want to try without a } several-billion-dollar NASA budget behind us. Since you already have } so much to do, obtaining one of those might be... difficult. You'd } have a hard time getting a partner for Horse, and I don't think Mission } Control would go for spending millions of dollars to transmit Seinfeld } to you. Not even the last episode. } } JUPITER } } Pros: } } - Well, the day is only about ten hours long, which may seem like a } bad thing for someone with your schedule, but actually it means that } you'll have many more days in a year to get things done in! Because a } local year is about twelve terrestrial years, meaning that your kids } will be halfway to college when they're only a year old! And with } nearly 44,000 days in every year, think how long you can stretch your } vacation time! And think how long it will be between tax days... } } Cons: } } - The gravity is over twice that of Earth's, so it'll be a real drag } running around having to do everything all year. Keep in mind, though, } that while you've gained weight, you won't actually look any different } (except for being ripped and blasted into a fine mist of atoms, but } that's a different con.) } } - The planet doesn't really have a surface, in fact, it's a big, mushy } mass of gooey liquids and gases. Sounds like it'd be fun living in a } big swimming pool or mud hole? Maybe, except it ain't water, but } compressed hydrogen, methane, and other stuff. Kind of like the stuff } you find in a swamp or a giant fart, only under such high pressure it's } liquid. Not too appealing a place to raise your kids. } } - About that pressure. Towards the center of Jupiter, hydrogen is } actually turned into a metal, that's right, a metal by the forces } there. Imagine what it'd do to a human body. That's right, you'd slim } down a whole lot, in fact, be squashed into a teeny-weeny ball of } barely recognizable organic compounds, if not for the tidal forces (ask } a physics guru) that would rip you into a fine mist of organic } compounds first that will quickly dissolve in the roiling maelstrom of } whirling gases. So you really wouldn't have that much time to put your } kids through college; in fact, you'd have to work pretty fast to have } kids at all. } } - Did your mother warn you not to sit too close to the TV screen? } Well, the menacing power output of a CRT is nothing compared to the } intense Van Allen belts Jupiter's got. We're talking more radiation } than a nuke test, here. If you ever did have kids, I wouldn't even } wanna see their birth defects. Assuming they survived at all, or you } survived long enough to have kids, and were able to find someone else } stupid enough to come along with you to have kids here, in which case I } doubt I want the two of you in my gene pool in the first place. } } - The Perfect Storm, in fact, has nothing to do with Tom Hanks, } Massachusetts fishermen, or big Hollywood blockbusters. You want a } storm? The Great Red Spot ain't no 7-Up gimmick, it's in fact a } hurricane big enough to swallow the planet Earth, and quite easily rip } any puny human into a whiff of component atoms. Assuming one of the } other, smaller storms that make up the whole of Jupiter's surface } didn't get you first. Okay, so maybe it wouldn't be as painful as an } IRS audit, but it would be more permanent. } } - And heat? If you lived on Jupiter, sunbathing would become } irrelevant. Jupiter actually gives off more heat than it gets from the } Sun; Sol would be just another star in the sky for you. Because } Jupiter can get as hot as 54,000 degrees. Whoo! If there's any reason } to move air conditioning from "luxury" to "necessary utility" on a } report form, it's this. } } - So, needless to say, Jupiter is completely, totally uninhabitable. } The very notion is silly. Of course, so is this whole brochure, but } you've probably caught onto that by now. In fact, this whole spiel } applies, to a lesser degree, to all the gas giants, so let's just skip } them all, shall we? (Oh, and by the way, you can't live on Saturn's } rings. Since they're really a thin whirling band of tiny ice and dust } particles, you'd slip right through them and be buffeted to death by } the little projectiles. If the vacuum didn't kill you first. We wish } we could be a more friendly travel agency, but hey, this is space.) } } PLUTO } } Pros: } } - Well, thankfully, it's not a gas giant, so there's actually } something to stand on. A day here is almost a terrestrial week, which } is nice. You get to take weekends off every day! Great for going } golfing, and for catching all your favorite shows every day. } } Cons: } } - The local year is about two hundred fifty Earth years. Unless } you're reeeaalllllyyy healthy (which is difficult, on Pluto), you'll } never live to see another New Year's party in your life. Think about } it. } } - Ahem. No atmosphere. Closest thing we've got is a few wisps of } methane floating around... And having that kind of atmosphere is kinda } like going on a date with your sister. I mean, it only counts in the } smallest, most basic sense. No one even knew it was there till they } built the Hubble. In fact, any sort of gas will probably just turn } liquid right here. Since you kind of need gases in the air to breathe, } this is not good. Think what golfing would be like... "Watch out for } that oxygen trap!" Hell, the surface is basically made of frozen AIR, } for crying out loud, solid nitrogen! Solid! And sure, golfing is not } the most strenuous sport, but you need to take a breath sometime... Of } course, you can wait for when Pluto crosses Neptune's orbit and warms } up a tad and a few choice gases temporarily escape into the atmosphere, } but don't you just hate having to schedule golf dates that way? Bad } enough to wait for the weather to clear up, worse to wait for an } atmosphere to breathe... } } - Golfing is best on nice, balmy, sunny summer days. It loses much of } its charm on a planet so far away from the Sun that it's basically as } close to being in interstellar space as you can get in our Solar System } so that you're so close to absolute zero you can actually lean over and } wave "Hi" to it, if your limbs hadn't turned to solidified icicles } already and there were actually air to breathe and say "Hi" with, where } you can't even tell where the friggin' Sun is without an astronomical } chart. } } - Gravity? Ha! Since no one's ever bothered to actually land on the } thing, no one can tell us how much there is, but just by looking at it } we can tell the thing's smaller than the Moon. Be a real pain chasing } golf balls like that... } } - Basically, you guessed it, the planet is completely uninhabitable. } More than that, no one's even taken good pictures of it yet; pretty } hard for the probes to catch. Not only does that make it hard to } schedule a golf date there, it wouldn't be the best place to kick back } for some TV viewing. You think the time zone confusion from living in } Central is bad? Try getting all the shows five and a half hours late, } cause that's how long it'd take for signals to reach you. And they'd } be all fuzzy and staticy too, which I hate. } } THE SUN } } Pros: } } - Technically, the Sun takes 25 terrestrial days to make one rotation, } so that's a "day". But since the Sun IS the source of light in the } Solar System, it's always day here! That's right, you never have to go } back inside at sunset again; it doesn't exist! Haven't you ever wished } the Sun could keep shining forever when you were at the beach? } Sun-worshippers, this is your paradise! } } Cons: } } - There ain't a real year, here, cause you're at the center of the } Solar System. But the Sun does make a revolution around the center of } the Milky Way, which is sort of a year. Unfortunately, that year is } 225,000,000 terrestrial years long. A long time between New Year's } parties even for an immortal deity. (Then again, you won't have to } remember people's birthdays...) } } - Ahem. I'm assuming that even little kids know this, so I won't } spell it out... Oh, heck, why not. YOU'LL GET COMPLETELY } INCINERATED!!!! Geez, you thought gas giants were bad, this is an } actual star, here! Hell, even four-year-olds know that even SUPERMAN } can't survive flying into the Sun, so how the hell do you, Mr./Ms. } Pitiful Human Supplicant Who Can't Even Handle A Miniscule Daily } Schedule, expect not to get dragged into the Sun by its incredible } gravity and basically annihilated by the ten-thousand degree } temperatures?!? Are you insane!?! We wouldn't even be able to strain } out which atoms were yours, they'll get whooshed into the whole } streaming mess of nuclear fusion before you can blink your } fusion-torched eyes! We're talking actual molecular disintegration } here, like in science fiction! You'd have to be one HELL of a devoted } sun-worshipper to actually come here! (Man, I wish I had worshippers } that devoted... I can't even get Zadoc to go to a Santana concert with } me.) Er, sorry. But I just felt I had to make that point strongly. } } COMET HALLEY } } Pros: } } - Hey, everyone knows about this place. You'll be famous every time } you show up on Earth! The year is 76 terrestrial years long, giving } you plenty of time to live a full life, retire with a pension, and die } of arteriosclerosis before ever seeing another tax day. } } Cons: } } - You'll spend most of those 76 years far away from the Sun, freezing } to death in the utter cold of interplanetary space. Heart attacks may } not be pleasant, but they're probably preferable to that. } } - Uh, there isn't much to actually live on. It's basically a dirty } snowball with the surface area of a state park. If you manage to avoid } falling off, since the gravity ain't gonna hold you on long, you'll } probably get bored with the scenery real fast. } } - That beautiful comet tail is really gases unfreezing and lighting up } like a neon sign from solar radiation. In case you didn't guess, these } are not healthy gases. And neither is the solar radiation. } } - It's completely uninhabitable. Besides, do you really want to bear } the guilt of living someplace that has unwittingly caused panic, fear, } and riots from its mere appearance on Earth in the past? Okay, even if } you do, it's not worth moving there. You can start a comet cult right } here, and you don't even actually have to know anything about comets! } } MOUNT OLYMPUS } } Pros: } } - Now this is more like it. Existing on a parallel plane of } mythological existence will free you from all those nasty laws of } physics and crap that make life so difficult in the mortal realms. Day } and Night will be at your beck and call; you will no longer be } controlled by schedules, and will have all of Eternity to complete } whatever tasks you might wish in utmost bliss and relaxation. } } Cons: } } - To get admitted here, you technically have to be a god. And, though } your opinion might differ, you probably aren't. To gain divine status, } you have to either be of divine ancestry (watch your parents for signs } of shapeshifting when they get agitated), or perform such actions as } slaying a horrible demon monster beast, or winning a major world war, } or bearing a god's child. Since your schedule is already so packed, I } doubt you'd be able to fit any of these in. } } - It doesn't actually exist, so you'll only be able to get there if } you're a fictional character, like me. Tough breaks. } } So, all in all, it looks like you'd have the best luck staying on... } } EARTH } } Cons: } } - You've been here long enough and are probably bored with it. } } - The same old 24-hour, 365-day month and all its attendant problems. } } - You probably know all of the rest already. } } Pros: } } - Not far to travel. } } - It's actually possible to live here. At least for the near future, } anyway, until those waste drums start to leak... But never mind. } } So, with all this useful information in hand, we hope you'll be making } the right choice for your next travel destination, and we hope you'll } continue to use Oracular Travel Services in the future! } } You owe the Oracle a vacation in the Pleiades.