From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Sun Sep 24 13:17:49 2000 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.29) id MAA10382; Sun, 24 Sep 2000 12:54:08 -0500 (EST) Date: Sun, 24 Sep 2000 12:54:08 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200009241754.MAA10382@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1182 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1182 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1182 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sun, 24 Sep 2000 12:54:08 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1182 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1177 66 votes 9elg6 6bsf6 5iog3 cqk62 2ks97 ddhe9 39phc bgma7 6ene9 cdhf9 1177 2.9 mean 2.9 3.1 2.9 2.4 3.0 2.9 3.4 2.8 3.1 2.9 --- 1182-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Evolutionary Oracle, > > Today I saw the award winning National Geographic Special "Mysteries of > Mankind." Not for the first time! I had seen it before and I watched it > again. And I undrestood it, every time I watched it. Well, almost > understood it, till I digged into the meaning of Australopithecus, Homo > habilis, Homo erectus and Homo sapiens. > > What bothers me is that, where am I supposed to watch and how am I > supposed to understand the "Mysteries of Womankind?" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, supplicant, here's the deal. Mankind's mysteries really aren't } all that mysterious. Certainly not enough to warrant an entire TV } special. I mean, just look: } } 1. Beer } 2. Sports (football for the US, ice hockey for Canada, soccer for the } rest of the world) } 3. Barbecues } 4. Belching } 5. Playboy (or, for geeks, booth girls at E3) } } As for Womankind, that's a whole 'nother can of worms. The entire } script for "Mysteries of Womankind" would overload the world's email } servers, so I will give you some pointers towards figuring the } mysteries out yourself. } } I suggest hanging out in your local shopping mall on a weekend, } preferably a weekend right before a holiday. Stroll around the various } stores, making sure to linger around any store with "Victoria" in the } name or jewelry in the display cases. } } Eavesdrop on those blissful couples, walking hand-in-hand, and decode } the Mysteries of Womankind using the following examples as a guide: } } WHAT SHE SAYS: [looking at some shoes] "Oh, those look nice!" } MYSTERY REVEALED: "I'm going to go in this store for 2 hours, try on } every color of 4 styles, make sure they match at least 45% of my } wardrobe, finally buy a pair, and then a week later, complain about how } the heels make my feet hurt." } } WHAT SHE SAYS: [looking at some lingerie] "Oh, this looks nice!" } MYSTERY REVEALED: "I know you get off on lingerie, but I'm too insecure } to wear any of the fancy or skimpy stuff, so I'll let you fantasize } while I go buy a bath robe. And if you ever suggest I actually WEAR } that skimpy lingerie, I'll kill you." } } WHAT SHE SAYS: [looking at rings in a display case] "Oh, this looks } nice!" MYSTERY REVEALED: "If you love me, you'll buy me the most } expensive thing here. And no, I won't get you anything in return. } It's YOUR job to blow tons of money on ME." } } Take pity on the poor fellows (i.e., saps) who sit in the store, or } hang around outside the entrance, thinking "I know she'll be out any } minute now...." } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the 2197 Victoria's Secret Catalog } (special Mars/Venus edition). --- 1182-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle Most Wise, who can calculate diminishing-value depreciation > schedules in his head, pray tell me .... > > If the company I work for was run by Satan, what differences would I > notice ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 10) Name of your work site changed from 7-11 to 13-666 } 09) Self serve Slurpees replaced by serf applied herpes } 08) Free pack of cigarettes with each gallon of milk } 07) Gas pumps catch on fire when unbaptized buy less than } 10 dollars worth } 06) Snappy red suits with tails replace whatever you want } with a cheaply uniformish shirt over it } 05) Girlie magazines kept on same rack as candy } 04) Free case of American beer to all that put an X in } blood on 'IOU' written in Sumerian } 03) "All Shoplifters will be Congratulated" sign on door } 02) Free donuts to cops policy stops } 01) Muzak replaced by NIN --- 1182-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, yes! That feels so good! Don't stop! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } \CRACK!\ } The whip leaves another deep weal in the supplicant's back. } } > Please! More! } } Zadoc! I hate it when you bring in these masochists. Stick this one } in the lava pool until morning, then send it home. } } You owe the Oracle a week at the Spa at Mt St Helens. --- 1182-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, you are so great > You give me wise words on a plate > > My question is this: > > Twinkle twinkle, little star > How I wonder what you are And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Twinkle Twinkle little star, } How I wonder what you are, } Up above the world so high, } Gaining brightness in the sky, } Twinkle Twinkle little star } How I wonder what you are. } } Twinkle twinkle little star, } Now you're brighter, by far, } Hurtling through the outer void, } Like a stony asteroid, } Twinkle, twinkle little star } How I wonder what you are. } } Twinkle twinkle now it's clear, } You are coming very near, } I can see your shape in fact, } As I brace for the impact, } Twinkle twinkle little star } How I (BANG !) } } You owe The Oracle a bunker and 3 years supply of canned goods. --- 1182-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ross Clement The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > All bow before the Oracle who plows the fields of possibilities > armed with the perception and a damn fine vocabulary to pick out > significant details from life and digest them into something clever, > wise and emotional. The Oracle is smart! > > I'm just starting college, could you, Oh Wise Oracle, please share > with me some insights that will help me through my college years? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1. Certain beers are cheap for a reason. } 2. Regularly vacuuming the frat house carpet pays off the first time } you pass out on it. } 3. Plagarism is only wrong if you get caught. } 4. Getting a cute puppy and walking it close to the girls dorm can } really pay off. } 5. When you're three-quarters through a bar crawl, a wheelchair can } really help. } 6. A college student can subsist on brown rice and beer for at least } three semesters. } 7. Ask your TA about the best places to download porn off the } internet. } 8. Half dozen cans of whipped cream: $6.95 } One jar of maraschino cherries: $1.95 } One forty-something-ish hooker: $50.00 ($100 if you want "full } service") } The look on the dean's face when he realizes the "sundae" you're } eating happens to be married to him: Priceless. } 9. For an endless supply of quality term papers, click on } http://www.cheatsheets.net. } 10. Plagerism is a bad thing only if you get caught doing it. } 11. College women grade sexual performance on a curve, so you know what } you need to do. } } You owe the Kegicle an oregger. --- 1182-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mmm, you're so yummy. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Contestant, } } Thanks for your submission to the "Write our Oracle Crisps Cereal } Advertising Slogan" contest. Our contest ended 9/01/2000 and boasted } 1,756 entries, all of which captured the true spirit of what we } all feel when we enjoy a delicious bowl of Oracle Crisps Cereal, } with its frosted corn heartiness and marshmallow surprises in the } shapes of your favorite Oracularities characters (Pink Lisas, Yellow } Orries, Orange Zadocs, Brown Ogs, Green Kendais, and of course, } Rainbow-Colored Kinzlers). The winners and their slogans are: } } 3rd: "The Oracle bids you eat him." (Steve VanLandingham, Norwalk, CT) } 2nd: "You owe the Oracle a crunch-r-riffic bowl a day!" (M. Connie Hood, } Cookeville, TN) } 1st: "*ZOT* *ZOT* Dee-licious!" (Joe Eszterhas, Hollywood, CA) } } If you are a winner, congratulations! If not, please keep enjoying } Oracle Crisps Cereal, and watch the coupon section of your local } newspaper for upcoming announcements for slogan contests for other } Oracularities merchandise (including the new Oracle Swiffs(tm) dusting } cloths, Oracle-in-a-Drum Omnipotent Floor Cleanser, and Orrie's "Crack } This Open" R-Rated Fortune Cookies). } } Sincerely, } Brin Sneed } Marketing Coordinator } Oracle Merchandising Industries, Inc. --- 1182-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Exploratory Oracle, you know all the best places! > > After the Space Station gets built and Mars colonization starts, I want > to be a Cowboy On Mars. I want to have a cattle ranch there, and raise > an appropriate breed. I was thinking that Black Angus or perhaps > Dexters would be good, as the black colour would allwo them to soak up > more heat when it's cold. But then they would radiate it away at > night. Dexters generally have neat horns. Would that help? > > Or maybe sheep would be better, with that layer of wool for Natural > Insulation and for padding when landing. Whaddya suggest? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You want to do what? } } I'm gonna be a spacecowboy! } } A space cowboy. Before I can grant you this loan I need to } know a bit more about your business plan. } } Easy. I'm gonna fly a couple of cows to Mars and set up my ranch. } } I see. And how far away is Mars. } } Well because of the distance involved, and required trajectory, } it's a trip of just over 50 milliion miles. } } And this trip would take. } } Well, current estimates say about 180 days. } } Ah, good. Let's do some math then. How many heads of cattle } are you planning to bring? } } Well, I'm figuring I should start with a small herd. Probably } just start with four. Two male and two female. } } Good, and they weigh? } } About a thousand pounds each. } } Got it, four thousand pounds. And how much food do cows eat? } } About 24 pounds of grains and ruffage a day. } } Twenty four, times four... And how much water do you expect } they will require? } } Well, since they'll be in a climate controlled environment, we } can adjust it to just two gallons a day. } } Ok, a quick bit of calculations, well according to this, } you'll be shipping 33,472 pounds. } } Yep, and it costs $10,000 a pound to launch 'em. } } Well, that means that you'll require about $334,719,500 in } shipping and handling... } } And that's what I wrote down. } } I see, and you've added the vehicle cost here, of } approximately... } } $75,000,000. I found an old Atlas on ebay. } } I see, and you list launch rights of.. } } $34,000,000. I've got a cousin who has an abandoned oil platform, } but it needs new plumbing and a paint job. } } That's all well and good. } } Plus I need $18,000,000 for ground support and maintenance crews. } } Yes I understand, and that brings your total to nearly $500, } 000,000. That's a very large sum of money. What may I ask are } you planning on using for collateral? } } Well, I've got a car, and my trailer. } } You drive a Yugo and your trailer has a tree growing through } the back half. } } I also got these here shares from a feller named Gates when I got } him out of the Arizona pokey once. } } } } And we're back. I'm Larry King and my guest is the first space } cowboy. Tell, me, if you had to do it all again, what would you } do differently? } } Well, I'd try to get some smart feller to come up with a } space suit for a cow. } } You owe the oracle 800 lbs. of really expensive beef jerky. --- 1182-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I am now working in the basement of a 27 floor building. There are no > windows, no daylight penetrates this far down. The air is dank, the > coffee is too. Will working down here harm me in the long term? > > Regards, > Thankyou oh great one! > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > This e-mail and any attachments to it (the "Communication") is > confidential and is for the use only of the intended recipient. > The Communication may contain copyright material of ***************** > ********************************************************, of any of > its related entities or of third parties. If you are not the intended > recipient of the Communication, please notify the sender immediately > by return e-mail, delete the Communication, and do not read, copy, > print, retransmit, store or act in reliance on the Communication. > Any views expressed in the Communication are those of the individual > sender only, unless expressly stated to be those of *****. ***** > does not guarantee the integrity of the Communication, or that it is > free from errors, viruses or interference. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The dank air, coffee, and lack of sunlight do not pose a health risk. } Humans have lived in worse surroundings for centuries, and still manage } to survive. (And even procreate - that should give you a little hope!) } } However, that disclaimer causes me to worry. There are approximately } 2,127 other workers on the 27 floors above you. (I say approximately } because Jeff is hiding in the stairwell sneaking a smoke again, and I'm } not sure if he counts as being on your same floor, or the floor above.) } So far the structure is able to support their weight along with the } weight of all their furniture and equipment. But if the new mail server } is installed on schedule, with its online archiving, the combined } weight of all the bits in all the disclaimers in six months' worth of } archived mail will collapse the building on top of you. And Jeff, too. } } You owe the Oracle a decent disclaimer compression algorithm. You have } five months. --- 1182-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > TCP, or not TCP: that is the question: > Whether 'tis nobler on the net to suffer > The SYN and ACK of cautious flow control > Or to leap naked into a sea of troubles, > And with datagrams end them. To die: to live; > Who knows? An application may keep track > Of lost and disordered packets > The net is heir to, 'tis a situation > Devoutly to be shunn'd. To die, to live; > To live: perchance to corrupt: ay, there's the rub; > For in that corruption of data what dreams may come... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } When we have PUSH'ed of this mortal stack, } Must give us ping, there's the FTP, } that makes calamity of so long timeout; } For who would bear the SIG's and ACK's of time, } The oppressors PONG, the proud server's telnet, } The pings of despised INETD, the web's delay, } The insolence of client-server and the spurns } that patient packet of the unworthy GET's, } When he himself might his shutdown make, } with a ping-of-death? Who would DoS bear, } to grunt and sweat under a heavy load, } but that the dread of something after TERM, } The undiscovered thread from who's INIT, } No ping returns, puzzles the telnet, } And makes us rather bear those Windows we have, } Than traceroute to others we know /dev/null of? } } You owe the Oracle the contents of /dev/null. --- 1182-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Ofactory: > > I keep smelling strange smells in my house, isn't that the sign of a > brain tumor? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes it is. } It's fallen down the back of the kitchen bench, next to the 4 week old } lamb-chop. } You really should clean your kitchen now and then. } } You owe The Oracle a steak-and-kidney pie.