From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Fri Jan 26 15:52:23 2001 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.29) id PAA20366; Fri, 26 Jan 2001 15:22:00 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 26 Jan 2001 15:22:00 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200101262022.PAA20366@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1203 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1203 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1203 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 26 Jan 2001 15:22:00 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1203 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1198 65 votes 77jkc bcli3 gom30 hhf97 4ekk7 cdkc8 9eeia 6erc6 7jjf5 doj72 1198 2.8 mean 3.4 2.8 2.2 2.6 3.2 2.9 3.1 3.0 2.9 2.4 --- 1203-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "BJ" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hi, I heard there's a lovely lass called Asil living there. Can I meet > her? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sure! Let me introduce you Supplicant, this is Asil. } } } } ,etisoppo tcerid eht ma I ,ees uoY .uoy teem ot desaelp m'I !iH } dneirflrig s'eirrO fo ,egami rorrim eht yas thgim eno tcaf ni } .asiL } } lacitnedi emos ekil ,taht naht eroM .ees uoy ,sniwt lacitnedi er'eW } latot evah I .tnempoleved ruo ni ecalp koot lasrever railucep a ,sniwt } .niwt ym fo noitcelfer tcefrep a ma I taht snaem hcihw ,susrever sutis } reh ,s'elpoep tsom ekiL .dednah-tfel ma I ;dednah-thgir si ehS } ,sdaeh ruo fo pot eht tA .tfel ym no si enim ;thgir reh no si xidneppa } esiwkcolc sworg sreh ,lrohw elttil a ni rehtegot semoc riah eht erehw } gnitteg s'taht ,llew ... tfel reH .esiwkcolcretnuoc sworg enim elihw } I yaw eht setah eirrO .murof ylimaf a si siht dna etavirp elttil a } .lrig fo dnik sdrawkcab a m'I tub ,epyt } } There, now that you're introduced and all, I think Asil had better go } write in the mirror some more. } } You owe the Oracle a collection of palindromes. --- 1203-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "BJ" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I hire toilets for a living! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That's ironic, because I spout [CENSORED] for mine. } } What the...? [CENSORED]. [CENSORED]. You mean I can't say [CENSORED] } in an Oracularity?! How about [CENSORED] then? Or [CENSORED]? Which } son of a [CENSORED] is censoring my omni-[CENSORED]-potent wisdom?! } What [CENSORED] [CENSORED] dares to [CENSORED] with my divine } [CENSORED] right to dispence my pearls of [CENSORED] to the waiting } queue of ungrateful, horse [CENSORED], [CENSORED] [CENSORED], } [CENSORED] salami [CENSORED] Supplicants! } } Oh. } Hi Mum. } Sorry, yes I'll clear up my temple... No, Lisa and I haven't really } thought about... No, I didn't miss his birthday... Look this haircut is } all the rage now... No... Yes... } } Look supplicant, this could take some time. You owe the Oracle a good } [CENSORED] - Ow! Look, I said I was - OW! --- 1203-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence (lawrence.4@osu.edu)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The Oracle is too smart for our own good, > > How can I impress my computer? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If you've got a small harddrive, I've always found that throwing wads } of cache around works well. } } You owe the Oracle a pile of Floppy and Zip Drive jokes. --- 1203-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, wisest diety, most meteorologically endowed, I kneel > before thee. I am depressed. I hate this country. The sky is > greyish white, it looks as if the whole country is in a large > glass of milk. What can I do to feel happier? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Patience, patience little sperm, you and your neighbors are } all soon to be taking a trip out in to the wide world! After } which you'll plummet to the ground behind a barn, and then a } dog will lick you up. But you will be traveling! That's what } is important! } } You don't owe the Oracle a thing. --- 1203-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Here in Australia we are, as you know, > > umop episdn > > in many aspects, and we try to rise above it all; that and our > transported-prisoner heritage. > > To that end, I have developed a new hand-calculator device, based on > the Hewlett-Packard models. Instead of using RPN (Reverse Polish > Notation) for input it uses AIN (Australian Inverted Notation). But > there's one problem... > > They don't sell. Nobody seems to care for them at all. Can you tell > me what I'm doing wrong? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You need some spokesfolks. Celebrities that the public knows } as experts at being upside down. } -------------------------------------------------------------------- } Consider Batman: } } Batman: I spend my rest time hanging from my feet. I do my best } thinking that way. You will too with [ Product Name ]. } -------------------------------------------------------------------- } Or consider this trio of saints hung upside down, Saint Sebastian, } Usires Aedon, and Ben. } } Sebastian: I would have died for a [ Product Name ]! } } Aedon: [ Product Name ]! Once you get the hang of it, you'll flip! } } Ben: Help! } -------------------------------------------------------------------- } Or even Monica Lewinski: } } Monica: I suck, but [ Product Name ] doesn't! } -------------------------------------------------------------------- } Hmm, okay scratch that last one, but the other ideas have merit. } } You owe the Oracle some buttered toast. --- 1203-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > THE DEATH OF PYTHIA > CHAPTER 2 And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } After laying there in her coffin for 7000 years, Pythia remained } quite dead. } } To be continued... --- 1203-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hallo, it is I, Andrew again. Mum is becoming somewhat distraught over > all the questions that some disrespectful people are sending to you in > which they pretend to be her. I swear that I'm not writing all of > them! One or two, perhaps. But not all. > > Could you please do this. Any time you receive a question that > purports to be from "The Queen of England" would you -not- make a > special reply directly to her. Just answer it through the normal > channels as you would any other supplication you might receive. I know > that you know her private e-mail address, but she's finding it to be a > bit like spam. Remember, she's not writing any of those questions at > all, except that one last week in which she pretended to be Dad (HRH > Philip). > > How did you like the question I sent you yesterday in which I pretended > to be His Holiness the Late Pope John XXIII? Wasn't that a hoot? Why > haven't you answered it yet? You DID get it, didn't you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The 'Oracle' no longer exists. I am the Woodchuck! That is why your } mother has been receiving direct replies to questions she hasn't asked. } The Oracle knew she would never sign herself 'The Queen of England' to } him; to him she would always be 'Lizzy' or, when she'd said something } that made him feel a little frisky, 'Betsy'. Just as Margrethe II was } always 'Mags', Princess Stephanie was always 'Stiffy Babe' and Princess } Michael of Kent was always drunk. Or was that the other one? I forget. } } So in answer to your questions (and incidentally, now that I'm in } charge there will be no more of this Royal prerogative for multiple } askmes in a single mail): } } No. I can't. Being by nature a rodent, there's very little you can say } to or about me that will change this. And don't bother sending that } Bond bloke, I'm a protected species. } I hated your question. It was meaty and lacked hardened vegetative } fibres, sap, and any kind of deceased exoskeletal qualities it might } have possessed at some stage or other were, well, deceased by the time } it reached me. Pope John XXIII was a friend of mine, and I was very } distraught to suddenly find a message purporting to be from him. I } mean, the server's not that slow. Oh, and yes I did get it. } } From now on, all questions will be as follows: } } How many questions would a Woodchuck answer } If a Woodchuck felt like answering questions? } } or thereabouts. No more of this seeking deeper knowledge rubbish. If } it's not wood based in some way, it's not going to be answered. } } You owe the Oracle some Chateau Boit 'Hector & Piny' 1976 (a fine, } fruity sap, and a very good year). --- 1203-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Your Oracularitudinalness! > You shine in the night like Chernobyl bat whiz! > In your idle moments, you wrestle with the weighty > matters of the universe, such as: > "Survivor, or Friends?" > Your aspirated sputum knows more than Dr. Science! > > I grovel before you like the dirt that I am, begging your > Augustitude for some small bit of wisdom, falling from you > as unnoticed, and as chewy, as a piece of exfoliated skin! > > When Fufu the lipstick-wearing caribou greps the colorless > bungee moussaka, and the wheel of the quivering meat conception > dances prantibulously across yesterday's diseased futuristic > imaginings which are smeared across the conceptual sky like > lamb vindaloo across Christina Aguilera's shoulders, then what > can a poor boy do 'cept to sing for a rock 'n' roll band? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 'Twas Fufu and the caribou } Did bunge and quiver in the meat, } All vindal were the futurists, } And the Aguilera's all neat. } } Beware the Supplicant, my girl, } The lambs the bleat, } The shoulders that smear, } Beware the sky-like vindaloo, } And shun the prantibulous Ear. } } She took her concept sword in hand, } Long time the bungee foe she sought. } So rested she by the lipstick tree, } And stood awhile in thought. } } And as in poor 'ol thought she stood, } The Supplicant with eyes aflame } Came grepping through the bandy wood, } And babbled as it came. } } One Two! One Two! And through and through, } The concept sword went Snicker-Snack. } She left it dead and with its head } She went imagining back. } } And hast though slain the Supplicant? } Come to my arms, my colorless girl! } Oh Rock! Oh Roll! Moussaka shoal! } He dance-ed in his whorl. } } 'Twas Fufu and the caribou } Did bunge and quiver in the meat, } All vindal were the futurists, } And the Aguilera's all neat. } } You owe the Oracle a Unix build of the Jabberwocky plugin for } QuarkXPress. --- 1203-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Most Wise, > > If Hercules was alive today and was compelled to perform > his 12 Great Feats of Penance in our modern world, what > would those 12 Labors be???? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Great news! Hercules IS alive today! The Oracle told him to perform } twelve labors; these Twelve Labors were: } } Administer tetanus shots to the lion of Nemea. He strangled it. } } Give psychological counseling to the nine-headed Hydra. Two new } personalities would manifest in the Hydra from each fresh conversation, } and one was immortal. Hercules put the immortal one under a rock and } burned the rest. } } Take the Ceryneian Hind walkies. After running after it for many } months, he finally trapped it and killed it by clubbing it to death; } this is one of the reasons a statue of Hercules always has a club. } } Tag the wild boar of Erymanthus, the last of an endangered species. } After a wild drinking session, Hercules won. The tag was unfortunately } placed on a lady by the name of 'Missy'. } } Clean the Augean Stables of King Augeas. He succeeded only by diverting } a nearby river to wash the muck away. 400 local villagers were made } homeless, the dam was constructed of inferior materials and developed } dangerous cracks shortly after it was finished, and the local fishermen } were driven out of business. } } Build an aviary for the carnivorous birds of Stymphalis. Hercules built } a giant electric aviary, and set up a carvery restaurant underneath. } } Capture the wild bull of Crete. Not only did he capture it, he fed it } recycled farm slurry, former-chicken protein feed, and fibrous case } packing bits until it developed BSE. Then he sold it to the Belgians, } who sold it to McDonalds, who sold it to people who thought, way back } in the early '90s, that no-one would be stupid enough to use old dairy } herds for meat. } } Capture the man-eating mares of Diomedes. Hercules went to a casino. } With blackjack. And hookers. Eventually he married a man eating } cocktail waitress called Lurleen. } } Obtain a girdle for Hippolyta, the queen of the Amazons. Hercules } actually came through on this one, although he wasn't terribly PC about } it: he was supposed to go and buy her a new one - but instead he just } got her real toasted and told her she was in no fit state to drive } home, and he had a spare room, and...well, you get the picture. } Actually, if you do get the picture, the money is in a safe-deposit at } Banc Suiss, call number 00939947734TauRho994845. As for Set, he can pay } his own share for once, just make sure you cut off the side with me, } Lisa and Kendai on before you publish. } } Capture the oxen of Geryon. Another cow related one. This time the } great buffoon captured some ordinary oxen and put them on 'Jerry } Springer' - thus the reference to 'meaty moments' on the ad for his } latest out-takes video. } } Take the golden apples from the garden of the Hesperides, which was } always guarded by the dragon Ladon. Hercules tricked Atlas into getting } the apples by offering to hold the Earth for Atlas. When he returned } with the apples, Hercules asked him to take the Earth for a moment so } he could go get a cider press, "and then the real fun would begin". } Atlas did so, and Hercules swanked off with the apples (which he never } delivered to me), but not before punching Atlas in the face a couple of } times, daring him to hit back, and so on. } } Take Cerberus, the three-headed dog of Hades, to the surface world for } the call of nature. Hercules ate all the food in Hades' fridge, messed } up all his CD's, put on Hades' favourite suit and got most of Hades' } beer down it, chipped a lot of Hades' crockery, got Cerberus drunk and } let him go toilet in Hades' bed, lost Hades' spare set of keys, thumbed } through all Hades' saucy shots of Persephone and kept the best ones for } himself, before finally he set up a casino in Hades' living room. With } blackjack. And hookers. } } You owe the Oracle an all-expenses paid hotel penthouse suite so he and } Hercules and a few close friends can catch up on old times. With } blackjack. And hookers. --- 1203-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle Most Wise-cracking > > I am a writer for a major TV network, and the sitcom I've been writing > for has just been canned. The prospect of unemployment looms, and my > shiny-new BMW may be reposessed. > > I need an idea for a hit TV show, do you have any suggestions ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ } || || } ii Sure Fire TV show idea Generator ii } || || } \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ } } Pick a number between 1 and 7, write it down! This will } tell you your show's main character. } } Pick a number between 8 and 14, this will give you your } main character's main trait. } } Pick a number between 15 and 21, this will give you } your character's hilariously mismatch of a best pal. } } Pick a number between 22 and 28, this will give you } your main character's trendy job. } } Have fun! } } -------------+-----------+------------------+---------------------- } Main | Main | Mismatched | Main Character's } Character | Trait | Best Pal | Trendy Job } -------------+-----------+------------------+---------------------- } Ax Murder | Nice | NSA analyst | Solar Car Salesperson } | | | in Finland } 1| 8 | 15| 22 } -------------+-----------+------------------+---------------------- } Hard core | Bulimic | Self cognizant | Web Page designer } Trekkie | | milking machine | for a porno site } 2| 9| 16| 23 } -------------+-----------+------------------+---------------------- } Big game | Undead | New Age | Rave Organizer/ } hunter | Zombie | Crystal seller | XTC dealer } 3| 10| 17| 24 } -------------+-----------+------------------+---------------------- } Tabby Cat | Psychic | Male Stripper | Mafia Hit man } 4| 11| 18| 25 } -------------+-----------+------------------+---------------------- } | Torn | Female half of | Auto insurance sales } Son of a | between | a siamese twin | by day, bouncer at } former | ballet & | whose other half | private sex club } President | Pro Rodeo | was separated & | in New Orleans at } | Clowning | died at birth | night } 5| 12| 19| 26 } -------------+-----------+------------------+---------------------- } Unemployable | Stronger | Wheel chair | Head custodian of a } neanderthal | than | bound body | clean-up crew at } with a love | Hercules | harboring a | a big city morgue } of Jazz | | dolphin's brain | } 6| 13| 20| 27 } -------------+-----------+------------------+---------------------- } Mega-Brain & | Deathly | Super Model's | } Former KGB | afraid of | illegitimate | Tarot card reader } agent | jellyfish | child | } 7| 14| 21| 28 } -------------+-----------+------------------+----------------------