From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Tue Feb 13 10:22:57 2001 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.30) id JAA24014; Tue, 13 Feb 2001 09:53:35 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 13 Feb 2001 09:53:35 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200102131453.JAA24014@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1206 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1206 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1206 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 13 Feb 2001 09:53:35 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1206 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1201 68 votes irf80 egff8 6hqe5 bkq92 26ooc 29col 46jmh 48jqb 4cpj8 57ipd 1201 3.2 mean 2.2 2.8 2.9 2.6 3.6 3.8 3.6 3.5 3.2 3.5 --- 1206-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Blessed Oracle, you are the answer to my atheist prayers! > Please tell me how to overcome my fears of adequacy. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In the remote mountain regions of Tibet, there exists a temple so old } that it has only 5 or 6 mortgage payments to go. It is run by master } Fong Ho Ni, a venerable master of the art of Spanku. In order to gain } entrance into the study vinyl doors, you must travel to Tamalung on the } Tiagnag river. There, you will meet an tall dark str... hold on, wrong } page. There you will meet an Arabic man name Tel'Efohn who, for the } price of only a few Yuan, will place a call for you to Chow Yo Tung, } the local yak handler. Buy one white yak from Mr. Tung. Ride the yak } to the Yeti National Park and Laundromat, and ask the little girl there } for some sacred coins. She will ask for the white yak in exchange, but } do not give it to her. Her mother warned us that she is not allowed to } have any more yaks until she can show that she is able to take care of } the ones she has. } Yaks are not a plaything and need responsible children to... wait, I am } getting carried away. She will give you a few coins anyway if you just } let her comb it and put bows in its hair while you are away. Travel by } foot up the Sacred Crow Mountain until you come to a small garden. } Tend to the garden, because we've been meaning to but the "tellme" } queue has been quite heavy lately. We'd like the edges trimmed, and if } you could put those flower pots back in the shed and re-coil the hose, } we'd appreciate it. From there, you will find a small cave marked, } "Fuel," which does not actually contain fuel, but we couldn't think of } a name for the cave, and Lisa found this antique sign at a garage sale. } In the cave, you will find a jade statue of the sacred Buddha. Oh, } wait, really? That's where I left it! All this time, I blamed Zadoc } and his stupid inventory system. Hey, could you do me a favor? Could } you pack it up and mail it to our warehouse in Baltimore? I'd send one } of the other supplicants to get it, but they don't... oh, right, } right... Spanku. Where was I? Oh yes, the cave of Fuel. Uh... take } one of the sacred coins, and place it in the acrylic box, and feel free } to take a mint. Now, onto the Temple of Fong Ho Ni! The cave has a } passageway that curves down sharply. Go down the stairs, and if the } light is still on, could you turn it off? I may have left in on when I } was there last week. You will exit to the center of the mountain, } which is hollow, and contains the temple of Fong Ho Ni. Lesse... yadda } yadda, hop across the log bridge... yeah yeah... kneel at the sacred } vessel... I think we can skip the parts about the fire traps. Okay, } now you're in the temple! Oh, wait, did I mention the golden serpent? } Yes, you should have the golden serpent back where you... oh, man, this } will take ages to explain. I am sure you could spray paint a rubber } snake, that will be fine. Insert the serpent's head into the lock, but } beware of the poison spikes! They're... well, poisonous. Don't touch } them. Enter the main hall, and there, before you, will be the Great } Master Fong Ho Ni... unless it's bridge night, then his nephew will be } there. There, he will laugh at you, because you have not only wasted } time arriving there, but the very fact that you actually read this far } shows that you are gullible, stupid, and at least 10-20 pounds } overweight. } } Oracle strikes at Supplicant's ego like Ninja! Boot to the head! } } You owe the Oracle a complete essay describing what that funny little } buzzing noise your car has been making is. --- 1206-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What the blankness means to me } Is that the question needs to be. } Whether 'tis forgotten or just not said } Doesn't matter; it's not read. } Is this ponderance far too deep } To risk a reading by the meek? } Or, perhaps, a clever ruse } From the querant and his muse? } A one-line poem? } An endless song? } Worthy of an answer three miles long? } } Is or isn't, blank or not, } I just can't let this one rot. } I've got to answer, got to try, } Have to figure out the how and why. } Perhaps it's a puzzle meant to keep } So I've got to look before I leap. } Or maybe a conspiracy, dire and dark, } To keep me occupied whilst they find the mark! } } Of course! I'm a fool! I must make haste! } I've got to rush 'fore it's too late! } Run to the queue for my very life! } The questions must be protected, or else strife! } Send out those askmes, bring in the tells! } No one takes the ... hell's bells! } I'm too late; the queries are gone. } Nothing but blankness left for the throngs } Of incarnations that were more than up to the task } And have received the message, "No questions to ask." } } It wasn't a warning, it wasn't a fluke; } It wasn't a threat from a CIA spook. } It was a message, just that, clear as day, } Telling me, simply, that things fall this way. } The tables have turned, things all reversed, } Now I'm to get on my knees and mutter a curse. } Oh great and mighty Oracle, we beg and we pray } Please send us more questions so that we might say: } } You owe the Oracle some more meter. I seem to have run out. --- 1206-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > It's that most... wonderful time of the yeeear! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's the most wonderful time of the year! } When the cards have pink borders } And florists have orders piled up to the ear... } It's the most wonderful time of the year! } } There'll be portraits of Cupid } With ill-scanning, stupid, } Insipid rhymed couplets to post. } There'll be parties and mixers } And well-meaning fixers- } Up (often the host)! } } It's the most wonderful time of the year! } When you blow all your cash } Buying nougaty trash from the chocolatier... } It's the most wonderful time of the year! --- 1206-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "BJ" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most Color-coordinated Oracle, Ye who goes well with anything and > has a color-wheel on his Harley, > > What does one's choice in painkillers tell us about a person? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Drug Patient } ----------- ------------------------ } Morphine Wimp } Vicodin Junkie } Aleve Taking too many pills } Nitrous oxide Works for a dentist } Indomethacin Has gout } Tylenol Boring } Tylenol/codeine Boring junkie } Placebo Gullible } Ibuprofen Thinks he's an athlete } Aspirin Cheapskate } } You owe the Oracle a rush of endorphins. --- 1206-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Graceful supplicants and geeks too bright > Should twice a day the Oracle praise resound, > While their boot clad feet bound so tight, > In MTV measure three times beat the ground. > I can't relish the Oracle more! > > How can I get more people interested in you, > the great and wonderful Oracle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I tell ya babe, it's all about image. } } I don't know. Look I hired you to try to get me a bit more of } an audience, and I appreciate all the work you've done, but I } just can't help to think that all this isn't really "me". } } Orrie, baby, sweetheart. I've been making folks over for years. } All the big names come to me. You think Jerry Mathers, Dawn } Welles, and Chris Cross would be where they are today without } me? Of course not! But before I work miracles, I gotta have trust, } babe. } } I guess. Can we go over all this again? } } Sure thing, sweetheart. First, we've got the Calendar. } } I can't believe you talked me into doing this. I'm not sure } that it's the "All Knowing" image I wanted to project. } } Bubbula, it's showing your playful, fun loving self, besides, } you're *the* topic on Leno, Letterman and Koppel. } } As their monologue. It was the first time that Koppel even } did a monologue. } } Sweetheart, it's name! They're giving you name! Then there was } the talk show you did. } } Ooh, yeah, that didn't go well at all. } } The public loved it babe! You got huge ratings! } } I reduced half of the panel to ash. } } And trust me babe, when the court cases start hitting the wire, } you'll be bigger than O. J. And of course, we've got the } infomercial. } } Oh. Yeah. My "infomercial". } } Bubbie, you're still not upset that I got George Foreman to be } in those with you? } } No, I can understand why you picked him though, those were } his infomercial. I had, what, six lines in the whole thing? } And most of them were saying how wonderful his grill is. } } And you were fan-tastic! I told you, it's all about exposure! } } I thought you said it was all about image. } } Eh, exposure, image, it's all the same thing. Now, let's talk about } doing that mall tour. } } Uhm, Richard? } } Dick, baby, call me Dick. } } Oh, frequently. I don't think that this is quite working out. } I think that I should stick with my quiet little terminal at } the temple. } } Orrie! Don't chicken out now, things are just getting started! } } That may be, but I think it's about time for you to start } dealing with my staff. } } You mean the priests? } } No, the other one. Can you stand here for a sec? A little more } to the left. Perfect. Now a big smile for your maker. } } No problem, babe. Say, where's the cam } } You owe the Oracle something to get the burn marks off the floor and } as many copies of that damn calendar as you can find. --- 1206-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence (lawrence.4@osu.edu)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Silly Oracle, you aren't there. You can't be. I just met a guy on a > cruise ship who claimed to be your brother. He said you were all a > fake! If anyone should know, it would be your own brother, right? > > Do you have a fake brother who is telling lies about you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. } } Erm, young lady... what guys tell you on cruise ships, well, sometimes } it isn't exactly true. } } You owe the Oracle an invite to your baby shower. --- 1206-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Orrie, babe, bit of a psych-junta here, help me out, wouldja? > See, it's like this. We're making this film, but the plot > sticks whenever the Daleks have to go upstairs. Now, when you > make them fly or hover or whatever, it puts the spesh budget up > about a million smackers. So, what I'm wondering is, in terms a > dope in a suit like me can understand, what other ways are there > fore daleks to get upstairs? > > Ciao, babe. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A million bucks? For a bit of twine and a pully? } } I suggest you double-check the figures your prop men are giving you. } They're probably skimming a bit off the top. Twine shouldn't cost any } more than a couple hundred thousand, at most. } } But, you want alternate ways to get upstairs. Without any further ado, } here's: } } TOP TEN WAYS DALEKS GET UPSTAIRS } } 10. Use the laser to make the stairs (now rubble) into a } steep incline. } } 09. Climb up the side of the building. It's Spidy-Dalek! } } 08. One word for you: catapult. } } 07. Get a wooden plank and a stone. Place plank on stone. } Place Dalek on one side of the plank (near the stairs) and } several people on the other side of the plank. Use your lever } to move the Dalek one step at a time. Add stop-motion } photography. He moves like magic! } } 06. Do a cameo on Star Trek. Steal their transporter technology. } } 05. Convince the Daleks to eliminate the ground floor. } Whatever was so important upstairs is now at a reachable level. } } 04. Two words for you: cut scenes. } } 03. Make a miniature house with miniature steps with a miniature } Dalek inside. Use a small piece of string. Shrink down your } human actors, if you can, to eliminate costs all around. } } 02. "Daleks do not need humans to get up stairs! You insult the } Daleks! Eliminate! E-li-min-ate!" } } And the Number One way Daleks get upstairs: } } 01. Take the elevator. } } You owe the Oracle a TARDIS. --- 1206-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle, you are the light of seven suns! You know how to commit > seven sins! What is the best one? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's find out! } } =SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN= } } Sin #1: Pride } } This is sin number one because Yahweh made the list and } as far as he was concerned the first Sin was when The } Prince of Light Lucifer decided he was too bright to } have to listen to the Old Man. Let's check on Mr. Lord } of the Flies... } } } } Satan: Hello? } } Orrie: Hi, Bezzle my ol' Bub it is I, The Oracle. } } Satan: You know something, I'm getting a little tired of being } dragged in to your answers so often, and almost always } by phone (why is that?), I have things to do. I am a } very important and dangerous power, not some stock bad- } guy for you to conjure up when ever you feel the need. } STOP CALLING ME! } } } } That did not go well, though we did establish he's } a tad too proud. Let's explore another sin... } } =SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN= } } Sin #2 Envy: } } Not be confused with conveting, envy is the desire for } another's traits, situation or abilities. Hmm, isn't } that what education is all about? Acquiring new traits } and abilities to better your situation? Unless you think } ignorance is bliss then... wait, won't that be wanting } the state of bliss through the anti-abilty of ignorance? } Sin #2 makes little or no sense. } } =SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN= } } Sin #3 Gluttony; } } [ Oracle glances down at his belly and then looks up sheepishly. ] } } I'll tell you what is sinful is those health nuts } that spend all day exercising and eating bran muffins! } I eat like a pig and look at me! I'm immortal and all } knowing. Next! } } =SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN= } } Sin #4 Lust: } } The number one use and driving force behind the Internet's } breakneck expansion is pornography. Far be it from me to } bite the, erm, hand that feeds me. Look if Yahweh had } wanted people to be naked they'd be born that way, so } why fight it? } } =SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN= } } Sin #5 Anger: } } This is a sin, no two ways about it. Why in the world } people get so mad they want to kill people or argue is } nuts. Apathy is a far better way to deal with anything. } } =SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN= } } Sin #6 Covetousness: } } This isn't really a sin anymore. Here watch this. } } [ Oracle picks up a remote and clicks on the TV. A commercial } is playing (surprise!).] } } TV: You must have a turbo-powered Chuck Norris approved Florp(tm)! } } < foxy babes eye some guy with a Florp(tm) and wink at him } seducatlivly > } } Guy with the Florp(tm): Florps(tms) rock! } } =SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN= } } Sin #7 Sloth: } } Weekends are bad. Leisure time is bad! Back to work you } dang priests! I want that moat clean NOW! } } Hmm, yes Sloth is a sin. } } You call that clean! Back to work the lot of you! } } This is the 'best' sin. It works for me. --- 1206-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, most wise and yellow Oracle, please answer this question: > > Will Tom Hanks ever win a Grammy? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You don't -win- Grammies, the fact that you exist, that your } parents exist presupposed the existence of Grammies and } Grandpas, at least for the near future. Once humans get a } handle on DNA manipulation though all bets are off. } } You owe the Oracle a bald, golden midget. --- 1206-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle who is both a joker and the joke: > > How many Oracles does it take to change a lightbulb? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Q: How many Oracles does it take to change a lightbulb? } A: One, there is after all only one Oracle. } } Q: How many Priests does it take to change a lightbulb? } A: One, but when and even if s/he changes it or not are } dependent on arcane factors no one can fathom. } } Q: How many Lisas does it take to change a lightbulb? } A: Orrie, the lightbulb burned out! } } Q: How many Zadocs does it take to change a lightbulb? } A: Oh great Oracle, is the bulb out? I could not tell } for you are so bright. } } Q: How many Ogs does it take to change a lightbulb? } A: Small sun no shine? Og sleep now. } } Q: How many supplicants does it take to change a lightbulb? } A: It doesn't matter, as soon as it is changed they'll } resubmit a request to have it changed again. } } Q: How many incarnations does it take to change a lightbulb? } A: , you didn't grovel. } } Q: How many RHODents does it take to change a lightbulb? } A: You call that bulb out!? Sirrah, only lights that -we- } say are out are out. DRINK! } } Q: How many lurkers does it take to change a lightbulb? } A: 5 4 1 4 2 3 1 1 3 3