From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Wed Mar 28 11:37:32 2001 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.31) id LAA15158; Wed, 28 Mar 2001 11:13:36 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 28 Mar 2001 11:13:36 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200103281613.LAA15158@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1211 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1211 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1211 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 28 Mar 2001 11:13:23 -0500 (EST) @@@ You may have noticed some changes starting to happen on the Oracle's @@@ website , such as a more modern page @@@ style and access to most past regular and "best of" digests. @@@ @@@ I'm working on improving this site's look and function. It's already @@@ got a whole new infrastructure based on Mason . @@@ Work will continue on it gradually, so watch for more improvements. @@@ In the meantime your feedback and corrections are welcome at @@@ , though I'm probably already aware of @@@ many of the site's current deficiencies. @@@ @@@ Enjoy! Steve To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1211 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1206 70 votes 5bfof 8nmf2 bbx78 4osc2 6dmm7 3ewh4 5gjm8 5knk2 7gtd5 3fpi9 1206 3.0 mean 3.5 2.7 2.9 2.8 3.2 3.1 3.2 2.9 2.9 3.2 --- 1211-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Charles M. Hannum" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Will bubble gum chewing be in the next Olympics? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, most resplendently talented supplicant, ....you're a teeny bit } confused. } } It's not the "Olympics" but the "Doh!-Lympics" that will be holding } a Gum Chewing event. } } Preliminary qualifying for this world championships in amazing feats } of stoopidity, this contest of cretins, will involve tasking the } entrants to perform the much ballyhooed "Walk and Chewing Gum at the } Same Time." } } Persons able to competently and proficiently engage in both acts } simultaneously will be disqualified forthwith. } } Next, competitors will be given careful instruction in their native } languages in addition to written guidelines, which they may keep in } front of themselves at all times, and all the appropriate implements } to perform their task. They will then be asked to vote with a } Florida-style butterfly ballot. All those failing to vote for the } appropriate candidate will move up to the next round. Important } bonus points can be accumulated in this round for inadvertently } voting for a Nazi. Truly brilliant performances in this category } were recently turned in at last month's Memphis Moron Match when a } New Zealand competitor incited a election volunteer from the local } Society of Friends congregation to violence. His technique } included 56 repeated requests for further instruction and fresh } ballots, and some giftedly artful whining about the unfairness of } expecting him to make such an important decision without his reading } glasses. } } Unfortunately the Kiwi in question was unable to attend the medal } ceremony. He was, instead, recovering from surgery, having just } undergone the removal of an olive loaf, 5 pounds of cheese, a quart } of milk and a lovely, blue seersucker shopping bag from his rectum. } } Contestants failing to perform these qualifying tasks (yet not } utterly obliterating themselves from the gene-pool) will move on to } "Reducing a Soulless, Rude and Condescending Help Desk Technician to } a Weeping Mass of Frustrated Proto-Carbons." } } In the recent, scintillating North American Championships, the } promising Arlene Clappsaddle reduced young Brent 'The Geekster" } Snootfoodle, Help Technician for E-Machines, to a slobbering mass. } Utilizing a 5 hour relentless barrage of vicious, } pejorative-flinging insistence, Arlene asserted that "for the amount } I paid for that f*ing computer-thingie, -it damned well better } connect to the innernet without my having to spend more money on a } gol-danged 'service provider.' This is a damned racket! Now make } it work, and be quick about it!" ...whereupon she slammed down the } phone. It was sheer poetry. Brent doesn't really mind those nice } people in the funny jackets. He's given some lovely drugs and they } let him loose twice a day with a coloring book and some of those fat } red and blue crayons. With careful therapy, in perhaps 3 or 4 years } time he should be able to answer a phone without wetting himself. } } Now at this point the competition becomes fierce, with perhaps only } 5 or 6 contestants still in the field, the real challenge begins. } This is where we separate the merely tiresome from the truly vapid. } Contestants must suggest the premise for an American network } television "Replacement" program. Winning programs have been filmed } using washed-up, aging film stars unable to find work doing anything } else save perhaps spots on the Home Shopping Network, feminine } hygiene commercials or late night paid programming. For the bonus } points in this round, the contestant will rely on yet another } implausible rehash of a rehashing of a previous silly program. } Everyone knows that genuinely tasteful, sensitive and intelligent } programming has no viewership on American television, so...Those } shows making the top 3 audience shares when released during a } simultaneous repeat season, cable outage and PBS pledge drive will } move on to the much coveted: Final Round. Last year's finalist } proposed the XFL. Most impressive. } } What, praytell, could be even more banal than these considerably } trying trials? How much more stoopid can an uncoached Homo Sapiens } Sapiens hope to be without birth trauma or cranial injury? Usenet } trolling. Post using circular logic, faulty reasoning and odious } grammatical skills. Persist in blaming other people for the fact } that the idiocy you write is not received with the awe-struck } admiration it deserves. Create one-line follow-ups to posts with no } relevant bearing on the previous statement. Leave the previous } 40-50 posts untrimmed in your one-word reply. Trot your insipid, } insecurity-driven flirtations out into the public domain foisting } upon all and sundry for as many as 20 to 30 posts per day and } convince yourself you're deeply, genuinely adored. Believe yourself } clever when posting a 60 year old pun that's been heard 100 times } over by every human being in your hemisphere over the age of toilet } training. In short, earn respect and acceptance in } rec.humor.oracle.d. You'll find a plethora of shining stars of } previous Doh!-Lympics who are regulars there. They can mentor you. } } You owe the Oracle a world in which the word "oregano" is never } intended as a feeble excuse for humor a full year after the } individual who first brought up the topic has ceased even bothering } to post. --- 1211-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Charles M. Hannum" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Moo. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's see, let me consult the manual on "Pseudo-humorous replies to } undergraduate-posted bovine-related questions" here. Now, where is it, } let's see..."The Life and Times of Ameobic Meningitis", no, "The total } moron's guide to making a million on the Internet for mouth breathers } and drooling lobotomy patients", whoo, boy, better throw that one out } before the stock analysts see it, "George W and the Sexual Jalapenos - } History of a Rock and Roll Phenomenon", man, I thought the CIA had } burned all of those, ah - here it is: "MAD Magazine's Snappy Answers to } Stupid Cow Noises". Let's have a browse through it: } } 1. I said, where would you like to be seated? What do you mean you } haven't got reversible knees? 2. Is that a thick green liquor emerging } from under your tail or are you just pleased to see me? 3. Honest, I } don't eat these burgers myself, they're for my kids. Hey, put that gun } down! 4. Did you hear about the Japanese cow who had a matress with } small holes chewed into it? They're saying it's the first incidence of } "Futon Mouse" disease. 5. Moooo } } Thanks very much. I've played in front of some wonderful audiences but } this wasn't one of them. } } You owe the Oracle a calf-skin rug and a rug-skin calf. --- 1211-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey Oracle, you big kook! > (and when I say "kook" I of course mean "omniscient, omnipotent > entity capable of zotting me into tidy little piles of my > constituent chemical elements") > > I think your priests are broken! > > I write lots of funny questions and answers but they always seem > to pick those stupid Pythia, Sybil, and whoever else really > boring ones for the digest. Something must be wrong. > > Later Oraculator... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, the problem is that you are old-fashioned. } } Try to follow these simple rules: } } * Questions should start with 'Dear Auntie Orrie'. Forget all about } those long, pompous grovels. } * All questions and answers should contain lots of referances to the } latest in-jokes. Og, Darkmage and Kendai are out of date, Pythia } and Sybil aren't. And noone remembers what a Bright Red Siamese } Fighting Fish is any more. } * Making jokes about the female priests' sex-life, or the male } priests' lack of such, is totally out. } * If you want to write a song, make sure it's a parody on something } less than 1 month old. You don't think that any of the priest will } recognize anything as old as Abba, do you? } * Monty Python references are also out of style. } } You owe the Oracle an old-fashioned answer to his next question. --- 1211-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hiya, Oracle... um, Oracle, sir. > > I was just pondering ... well, not *pondering* but more like thinking > ... well, I can't think as well as you can, of course. So ... um ... > > Hmm ... nevermind. I figured it out! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Its okay Mr President, they put flush toilets in the white house a } number of years ago . . . you'll get the hang of it. } } You owe the Oracle a good Texas Bar-B-Que. --- 1211-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O, Mighty Oracle, whose performance at mountain sports put even the > best Olympic medalists of all time to shame, please tell me this: > > I've never done any snow sports before, and I've finally been talked > into trying out either snowboarding or skiing this weekend. Which > sport should I go for, and why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, let's compare pros and cons, shall we? } } Skiing } --------------------------------------- } * Cool goggles and coat. } * Rocket along at hypervelocity, downhill. } * Drink lots of hot chocolate or afterwards. } * Helps ward off vampires. } } Snowboarding } --------------------------------------- } * Cool goggles and coat } * Rocket along at hypervelocity, downhill } * Drink lots of hot chocolate or afterwards. } * Helps ward off zombies. } } Well, it's ultimately your call, supplicant. But I think the choice is } clear. --- 1211-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Keanu Reeves and That Other Guy star as two hapless Imperial Kremlin > guards who go on a bender and sleep through the Revolution of 1917 > in... > > "Dude! Where's My Czar?" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Also on "Old Stuff; The History Channel by and for Today's } Youth" we have: } } Russell Crowe is forced by hunger to consume his wife, played } by Connie Nielsen in this shocking retelling of the Donner } Party tragedy in... } } "Glad He ate Her" } } Then be sure to catch the next episode of the Novella based } on The New Testament that has the holy world by the short } hairs. This week Joseph suspects his wife has been fooling } around in... } } "There's something -divine- about Mary" } } Then set your VCR to record our Late Night classic as 'The } Hump' Bogart gives the performance of his life in his award } winning death scene in this dark portrayal of a 1960s hippie } chick poet-singer as he chokes to death on a ham sandwich in... } } "Mama Cassa..a blac!AH!" } } You owe the Oracle a good book. --- 1211-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, most wise, who always knows where the TV Remote is, > > What would the movie "H.P. Lovecraft's The Jungle Book" be like? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, I see it as a three movie deal. We get Adam Sandler and } Robert De Niro with Kathy Kinney ("Mimi" from Drew Carey) as the } love interest. Pauly Shore will direct, but will part of the gross. } } They get lost in the jungle outside Aspen, CO while snowboarding and } meet up with Baloo the Bear and the snake from "Anaconda," who turns } out to be the earthly incarnation of Yog-Shaggoth or Yoth-Shathoff... } whatever. We'll butcher Lovecraft by having the Outer Gods buy } Sandler's soul (he's already got De Niro's because of "Rocky and } Bullwinkle"), but he'll spray holy water on the critter to escape } (or maybe Coca Cola - it all depends on what product placement deal } we can cut). In the climax, we'll bring in the cannibal element } that "Hannibal" made acceptable, with Kathy munching on Adam's shin } (or an Eskimo Pie - product placement again). We wrap up with one } of the musical numbers that wound up on the cutting room floor from } "Little Mermaid II." I see an $17 miilion opening weekend, an Oscar } nod for De Niro, and Gene Siskel spinning in his grave. } } Of course, the two sequels won't live up to the original but they'll } make great comeback vehicles for Sylvester Stalone. --- 1211-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "BJ" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I was sposed to write a essay on homers, and I did, but they were > baseball, and the teacher wanted greek ones where do they play baseball > in greece? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your teacher is undoubtably talking about the first baseball game and } the first homer, which occurred on a ship led by that famous Greek, } Ulysses. } } Ulysses was taking his men home from a war on the Trojans (makers } of condoms) when his shipmates became bored. Being of a very } inventive mind, Ulysses came up with a game he called ShipBall, } which has sinced evolved into Baseball. There were a few diferences: } Instead of the pitcher throwing the ball from the pitcher's mound, } he dropped it from the crow's nest. Also, there were no outfielders. } Ulysses suggested putting some, but nobody in the crew was a good } enough swimmer to both keep up with the ship and catch far-hit rocks } (they didn't have baseballs back then). } } Anyway, in the first game, it was the bottom of the fifth inning } (back then, there were only five innings). The score was One } Team 2, Other Team 5. One Team was at bat, three outs (they were } allowed four back then) three strikes (see before) and three rocks. } (Remember, they didn't have baseballs back then). Ruth was at bat. } Ruth was the only woman on ship and, as such, was considered a 'Babe' } even though on land she was so ugly that she had been called 'the face } that launched a thousand ships' when her appearance at the local docks } caused the local sailors to depart. Anyway, Ruth was holding her bat } and waiting for the pitcher to drop the rock. The water barrel, the } keel, and the anchor rope were all loaded. Ulysses, being captain, } was the only umpire. Ruth, unlike the men sailors, was using a wooden } plank instead of the bag of flour. } } The pitcher dropped the rock from the crow's nest and, with a mighty } swing, Ruth knocked in all the way off the boat. She quickly 'ran the } barrels', scoring the win for One Team. Ulysses, however, demanded } that Ruth jump in the water to retrieve the rock. She refused and her } teammates, plus the other team, began to argue with Ulysses. This was } the first recorded fight between an Umpire and two baseball teams. } Finally, agrivated by Ulysses arguments that the ship needed to turn } back so they could retrieve the rock, the two teams tied Ulysses to } the mast and then plugged their ears with wax so that they wouldn't } have to listen to Ulysses. } } Ulysses was so emberrased by being taken home in this state that } he made up a wild tale to explain being tied up while his crew } wore ear plugs. This tale was later written down by a greek poet, } coincidentilly named Homer. Since then, baseball has been around as } well as Homer's wild tale, which got expanded into a book called 'The } Odd Sea' or something like that. } } You owe the Oracle a new time machine or at least a quantum mechanic } to fix the old one. --- 1211-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "BJ" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How does a human breast differ from a lump of fat? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "My God! They're HUGE!" } "Oh, yeah! Gimme just five minutes with those and I'll die happy!" } "C'mon baby! Just share a little!" } "I just love watching them bounce!" } } "Cassie? Would you mind putting those cans of } Crisco back into the sack before the Fat Farm } stampedes us?" --- 1211-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How about now? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What ? } No flowers ? } No candy ? } No candle-lit dinner ? } No champagne ? (Australian, or course, I won't touch that french muck) } No dancing ? } No whispering of sweet-nothings in my ear ? } } In short, no Grovel ? } } I can remember when the young supplicants would praise me for page } after page, before hesitantly seeking a little question at 300 baud. } But that was an earlier, more genteel age. This is the twenty-first } century, no time for any Oracular foreplay, you just go straight in } there with a wham-bam-thank-you-Orrie, and then it's I'm outta here } at 256 K bits/sec ! } } Well, no way Jose ! } I may be cheap, but I'm not easy ! } } Although ... } } You are kinda cute..... } } Ok, just this once. } } You owe The Oracle some respect in the morning. } } -- } The Internet Oracle.