From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Thu Jul 19 09:02:40 2001 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.4/8.11.4/IUCS_2.32) id f6JDTO113628; Thu, 19 Jul 2001 08:29:24 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 19 Jul 2001 08:29:24 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200107191329.f6JDTO113628@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1226 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1226 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1226 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 19 Jul 2001 08:29:11 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1226 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1221 62 votes akee4 4bheg bkhb3 4ckga 4hji4 3jid9 5biia 14dko 48mgc 38ajm 1221 3.3 mean 2.7 3.4 2.6 3.3 3.0 3.1 3.3 4.0 3.4 3.8 --- 1226-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "BJ" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle Most Wise, > > I wanna be a vampire! How can I go about achieving this goal? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There are two tried and true ways. } } 1) Dress in all black and never go outside in the sunlight again. } Clear your entire life of crosses, garlic and silver bullets. } Become beautiful as you can get, and affect an ironic yet, } vulnerable air. Do this for about six months. By then you } should be pretty darn pale, garlic scent free & creepy looking. } Next you need to start hanging out in places vampires frequent. } Transylvania if you can afford the air fare, super trendy bars } otherwise. Always stay out late at night and always walk home, } alone. If any tall person with a widow's peak and a cape is } around smile at them demurely, while casually baring your neck. } } If that fails there's always way two to become a vampire. } } 2) Enroll in law school. } } You owe the Oracle a garlic covered pizza. --- 1226-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "BJ" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle, > > How does sleep differ from being dead for just a minute or two? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1. You don't wake up in a coffin. (Hopefully.) } } 2. You dream about your current life, not your previous. } } 3. In the latter case, one generally does not snore. (Please don't } mention this to Lisa, if you get my drift.) } } You owe the Oracle a pair of earplugs. --- 1226-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, whose hair is never pointy, > > Tell me the legend of the PC Weasels. > -- > > __________________________________________________ > Do You Yahoo!? > Get personalized email addresses from Yahoo! Mail > http://personal.mail.yahoo.com/ And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Look, it's going to take far more that those two little cut } line attempts to get rid of that Yahoo! .sig, those things } are tenacious. } } Did you know that the British Navy has experimented with } using Yahoo! .sigs to adhere the numbers to the sides of } ships? It worked, but the sailors kept falling over board, } when they'd hear "Yahoo! Sailor" from beyond the railings } and they'd lean over too far to see if there was a lady } in a dress, erm, in distress...but I digress. } } Now to get rid of your Yahoo! you need something really, } really sharp...like say... } } Stephen Hawkings: IiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaahhmMMM Shhhhhhap! } } Oh, my word. Well yes you are, but oh dear? Is that a sub- } triple atomic vaporizer of your own design? For the record, } he is nodding. Well, Hawk ol' boy, go for it. } } [ Horrific blast ] } } Stephen? Stephen? Where is he? Guess he had to run along } somewhere. Anyway we need some thing that will cut . . . } } OJ Simpson: It was in poor enough taste to bring that other } dude here. But I, I OJ Simpson will not! Will not! } have anything to do with a knife joke of any kind. } } Here's a thousand bucks and a sword. } } [ OJ grabs both and starts hacking away at the Yahoo! .sig ] } } OJ Simpson: DIE *#$*#& DIE $#$^&*# I LOVED YOU I LOVED } YOU &*#&(*$&*(#& YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME! } &$#*$&&&#*&$*( I&#$* &$*(&# *($*(&* (#$& !! } } Erm, I think that's enough. Thanks....Oh, no keep the blade. No } the pleasure is mine. See, what you need to get rid of that .sig } is powerful magic. } } Gandalf: It's a pleasure to take time out from filming PJ Jackson's } Lord of the Rings, the first part which will be out } Christmas of 2001 in theaters everywhere. } } Okay, you got your plug in now blast that blasted .sig Grey Wanderer. } } Gandalf: Oh `Ell `n Bach, Oh `Elmerz Glue, `Elbow Greaze } and El Caboose! } } [ A blinding flash & thick clouds of greenish smoke fill the room.] } } Gandalf: I must go now. I will see you all in the theaters this } Christmas, 2001, for PJ JAC... } } You got your plug in, now get. So there you have it.... hey. } } [ Smoke clears. ] } } Why that old fraud. } } __________________________________________________ } Do You Yahoo!? } Get personalized email addresses from Yahoo! Mail } http://personal.mail.yahoo.com/ --- 1226-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You're in a cave with 20 rooms and 3 tunnels leading from each room. > There are 3 bats and 3 pits scattered throughout the cave, and your > quiver holds 5 custom super anti-evil Wumpus arrows. Good luck. > > You are in room 18 of the cave, and have 5 arrows left. > *sniff* (I can smell the evil Wumpus nearby!) > There are tunnels to rooms 6, 9, and 10. > Move or shoot? (m-s) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } >m } Direction? (Room 6 - N, Room 9 - E, Room 10 - S) } >e } You are in room 9. } There is a small altar and two bats in the room. The bats attack! } Move or Shoot or sEarch? (m-s-e) } >s } You shoot an arrow. You kill a bat! You have 4 arrows left. } The bat attacks! It hits you, causing 2 hp of damage. You have 23 of 31 } hp remaining. } Move or Shoot or sEarch? (m-s-e) } >s } You shoot an arrow. You kill a bat! You have 3 arrows left. } Move or sEarch? (m-e) } >e } You search the altar. You find the silver chalice! } Move? (m) } >m } Direction? (Room 18 - W) } >e } Direction not valid } >n } Direction not valid } >s } Direction not valid } } "Hey Dick. Dick! DICK!" } } "Yes George?" } } "Haven't we got the double-u's replaced on these damn keyboards yet?" } } "Workin' on it George, but you know government aquisition procedures. } Takes %$#@ing forever." } } You owe the Oracle some cheap Texas electricity. --- 1226-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > As I was going to Sai-ai-aint Ives, > I met a man with seven wives. > Every wife had seven sacks, > Every sack had seven cats, > Every cat had seven kits. > Kits, Cats, Sacks & Wives, > How many were going to Sai-ai-aint Ives? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } SAINT IVES (UPC) -- 12 July 2001 Police arrested Nigel Teresa, of } Saint Ives, yesterday afternoon for polygamy and animal abuse. } } Mabel Teresa, one of Nigel's seven wives, said, "He would force all } of us to bag some four hundred cats each into just seven sacks. } That's nearly three-quarters of a ton of hissing, spitting, and } FIGHTING cat that each of us had to carry! And, trust me, cats can } claw their way out of burlap if they darn well want." } } Police are trying to find homes for the approximately three hundred } and fifty cats, and approximately twenty-four hundred kittens that } were found in Nigel's care. } } One bystander, who would only give his name as "A. Supplicant", said, } "Thank heavens, I saw him. I was the only person on the road going } to Saint Ives. He, his wives, and the cats were going the other way." --- 1226-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why did my wife and 3 children die in a carcrash? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They did not follow the 176th Commandment: "Thou shalt drive to my } Mall in a chariot measuring no less than twelve cubits in length and } eight cubits across. A hundred talents shall be the unladen mass of } thy chariot, and pulling it shall be three hundred and sixty horses. } Park thee thy chariot diagonally in my lot so that it may take up } the parking space of three lesser chariots, and adorn thee the rear } bumper with one of those little golden Jesus fish stickers so that } thou may spread My word as thou drivest." } } Had you obeyed the Lord's command and bought your wife a decent sized } vehicle, she'd have creamed that schoolbus instead of vice versa. } } You owe the Oracle a Chevy Suburban with reactive armor. --- 1226-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, oracle, oracle, oracle! > > Will Reagan be re-elected in '84? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ooooh, a question from the future! I love these, they really test my } prognosticative abilities. } } Let me set the scene as November 2083 approaches: } } - In the aftermath of the Clone Wars, Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman } Dolly the Sheep presides over a deeply factionalized military. } - Strom Thurmond is still in the Senate, although he needs frequent } dusting. } - From a bunker deep beneath the ruined wasteland of Redmond, Dark Lord } Gates sends his evil minions on missions of terror. The Knights of } Torvald maintain a vigilant watch against his return. } - Unable to think of any new and challenging locations, the producers } of "Survivor" send a spaceship full of self-obsessed idiots hurtling } towards the surface of the sun. Ratings, um, skyrocket. } - There are still no profitable dot-coms. } } On Election Day, voters don their "virtual ballot box" helmets (except } in Florida, where voters are required to enter their choices while } riding a Tilt-a-Whirl, drunk) and choose between: } } Republican Party: The disembodied brain of Ronald Reagan } Democratic Party: Marshall Mather, Jr. } Toga Party: Jenna Bush } } Reagan's brain is captured by Lord Gates and used as the kernel for his } next operating system, Windows Dementia. Marshall Mather, Jr. is } revealed to be Bill Clinton, who denies it, apologizes for it, and } denies it again. Jenna wins in a landslide. } } You owe the Oracle a renewed sense of faith in the American } political system. --- 1226-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is this an in-joke I see before me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Is this an in-joke I see before me, } The sarcasm toward my fellows? Come, let me analyse thee, } I get thee not, and yet I see thee still, } Art thou not, quaint quip, humorous } To audacity as to confusion? Or art thou but } An in-joke of the mind, a false creation, } Proceeding from the paranoia-obsessed brain? } I get thee yet, in form as grave } As this which now I impart. } Thou segregate'st me the way that I was posting, } And such a sig I was to use. } Mine quotes are made the fools o' the other posters, } Or else worth all of them. I see the still, } And on thy tail and beyond, paragraphs of words, } Which were not words before. There's no such thing: } It is the complex business which resides } Thus to mine quotes. Now o'er the one hundred messages } Usenet seems dead, and silent posters lie still } The posters'd sleep; trolls celebrate } AOL Spammer's offerings; and promis'd Money, } Alarum'd by the silence, the newbie, } Whose howl's his question, thus with his HTML message, } With Microsoft's ravishing fonts, towards his answer } Moves like a funeral. Thou sure and firm-set regulars, } Hear not my crossposts, which groups they encounter, for fear } Thy very posts prate of my intentions, } And take the present perplexion from the outside, } Which now suits with it. Whiles I threat, I wait; } Words to the heat of regulars too cold silence gives. } <"You've got mail!"> } I go, and it is done; the mail invites me. } Hear it not, flamer, for it is an Oracularity } That summons thee to greatness, or to the killfile. } } } You owe the Oracle lessons in how to get away with such unlikely } similes such as "Show'd like a rebel's whore" and still be regarded as } a literary genius. --- 1226-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where does the Oracle database sample username and password > of scott/tiger come from? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The names come from the old folk fable of Scott and the tiger. } } When Scott was a little boy, he was strolling through the woods one day } when a young tiger leapt roaring out at him. Scott, being young and } naive, didn't try to run away: instead he stroked the tiger on the } nose, feeling its soft woolen fur between his fingertips. Luckily for } Scott, the tiger wasn't hungry and had only been roaring because it had } an irritatingly itchy nose. And in that moment, the two of them became } friends. } } The tiger ran back off into the woods and was promptly recaptured by } the circus it had escaped from. } } Years later, Scott was leading an expedition through the jungles of } India when a huge tiger leapt roaring out at him. Scott, now a } respected explorer, kept his cool. Slowly, he reached out and scratched } the tiger on the nose. } } The tiger mauled him anyway, though, because it was a different tiger. } Which goes to show how important it is that all users are identified } properly. } } You owe the Oracle a new rug. --- 1226-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most recidivistic and antidisestablishment one, this humble > supplicant asks: how do I know if my spleen is working? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Have you been venting it properly? Let's run a quick diagnostic. } } A politician you don't like from a party you like even less does } something you really really don't like. You decide to: } --Have another beer or three. } --Donate some money to a politician you do like. } --Call up a talk-radio host and deliver a frothing-at-the-mouth, } 30-minute long semi-incoherent diatribe, in which you manage to } mention taxes, Hitler, the Rosicrucians, and the starting line-up for } the 1929 Chicago White Sox. } } Your favorite sports team loses a close game. You decide to: } --Send an encouraging note to the team. } --Not bet so much money next time. } --Set the coaches lawn on fire by using gasoline to write "loser" } in ten-foot high letters and tossing a match. } } You feel you have something important to say to the world. You decide } to: } --Write a letter to the editor of your local paper } --Hire the Goodyear blimp to display your message at major events } --Inappropriately use an Internet-based humor service as a platform for } your personal beliefs. } } The correct answer in all cases is the third one. } } You owe the Oracle a way to make the World Bank forgive third-world } debt.