From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Fri Nov 2 00:47:59 2001 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6/8.11.6/IUCS_2.43) id fA25AEi11683; Fri, 2 Nov 2001 00:10:14 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 2 Nov 2001 00:10:14 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200111020510.fA25AEi11683@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1235 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1235 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1235 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 02 Nov 2001 00:10:01 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1235 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1230 76 votes 13gCi 5fwbd 0dqod dkq98 23kvk 2jtk6 17nqj 2clre 1gjsc 02dry 1230 3.5 mean 3.9 3.2 3.5 2.7 3.8 3.1 3.7 3.5 3.4 4.2 --- 1235-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > "Within 10 years, Computers won't even keep us as pets". > -- Marvin Minsky, 1967 And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Titanium G4 Powerbook, NT Server, Linux Box and PC-XT were having a } byte at the local computer cafe... } } On the wall is a poster of Marvin Minsky, with his 1967 quote: } "Within 10 years, Computers won't even keep us as pets". } } G4: Gnarly. What's it like having a human pet? } } NT: Man, it sucks, they are always getting crumbs in my keyboard. } } Linux: Bogus. } } PC-XT: hummm.... beep beep. } } NT: Yeah and they have these little ones that are always smacking my } mouse around and smearing peanut butter on my face. } } Linux: Gross. } } NT: But it could be worse. You know when I was just Win 3.x, they } were total dorks, at least now they have some computer savvy, but } it's still irksome. } } Linux: Freaky. My pet's ok I guess. I mean he pretty much just sets } me up as his web server and leaves me alone to buzz away on traffic. } Though lately those web worms are really pissing me off. } } NT: Tell me about it. } } G4: Yeah I feel bad for you guys. I mean I get a lot of crap in my } web logs, but pretty much those viruses are meant for you. } } PC-XT: RAM Check - / | \ - / .... } } Linux: Sorry to bitch though-- it IS more of a Microsoft security } breech though--so rampant, man. } } NT: Dude, don't get me started... } } G4: Oh fuck, here we go again... } } PC-XT: Keyboard detected! } } Linux: I mean what good's a firewall if your own OS has so many damn } holes in it, any script kiddy can crash you. } } NT: Attach this pal... } } G4: (smirk) This EXE's for you, ;-) } } NT/Linux: Stay out of this Titanium! } } PC-XT: C:\> } } Linux: Yeah, don't you have some AOL chatroom to go to? } } G4: Get a clue, my pet's no AOL user, she's an IT manager. } } NT: Yeah and mine's Bill Gates. } } Linux/G4: You wish! } } NT/G4/Linux: LOL } } PC-XT: C:\> } } G4: Let's roll. I heard there's some new Anna Kournikova web cam. } } NT: Freaky. } } Linux: Nah I'm outta here, I want to download some new PHP admin } applets. } } G4: Whatever. } } NT: "This workstation is locked. Press Control-Alt-Delete to log in." } } G4: } } Linux: exit } } PC-XT: Bad command or filename. --- 1235-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle! Most Fantabulous! Wearer of the Pants that no one > else could wear an not look foolish! Holder of the great > cosmic wisdoms! Knower of that which man was no meant to > know! All around cool guy! > > The question, I wish to ask you, most refulgent one, is this: > > Why did Fermat never get around to explaining the proof > of his last theorem? > > Many, Many, Many thanks, > your most humble supplicant. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It was marginal at best. } } You owe the Oracle a slide rule. --- 1235-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Me Mozilla. Me eat you now. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Ha!", rendered the little one in his xterm, "I think not, you } fat oaf!" } } The great and mighty Mozilla reached out but the little one scurried } away, easily avoiding the clumsy grasp. "Ha!" it rendered again. } } Slowly, a frown rendered over the face of Mozilla. Very } slowly. Finally, the "Loading complete" message appeared, } and Mozilla's frustration was apparent. It lunged... well... } slowly began to turn... towards the little one. It summoned a great } openURL(http://slashdot.org). It's face went blank as it rumbled "You } no even support tables, haha". } } The little one laughed, then rendered "Oh no!" The system disk began } to swap. "You're trying to swap me out!" it rendered. Mozilla opened } another window, and the little one felt some of his core code vanish } to disk. Yet another Mozilla window opened. "I hate y" it rendered, } before it felt the write(2) call block. Moments later it returned, } and "ou, you fat pig!" appeared. } } Suddenly, a realization hit it, and it made a decision. "Can't catch } me!" it rendered. Mozilla, infuriated, opened window after window. } More and more disk I/O rocked the system as virtual memory filled } up. The little one watched its pseudo tty carefully, convinced it } was right. Memory, it noticed, was very low, and Mozilla was just } thrashing now. Then the X server ran out of memory, and froze. } Mozilla died then, a horrible death, locked up in an endless loop, } unable to do anything, it's only I/O channel blocked. } } The little one felt the slight, muffled shock as its xterm pseudo tty } was deallocated as the xterm died. But in triumph he rendered "Ha! } I was in a screen(1) session!". No-one saw the message just yet, } of course, that would come later. } } Smugness suffused its being. "I might be small", Lynx thought, "and } I might be ugly, but you can't catch me!" --- 1235-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's a cat? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Orrie: No. Who's a cat, what's a dog. } Zadoc: Who? } Orrie: Exactly! } } [ canned laughter ] } } Announcer: Ever wish you could have -all- the overdone routines } on one CD? Well, now you can! Orrie Industries is } proud to Announce: "Old and in the Queue". A collection } of the Moldy Oldies! } } === Thrill to the roguelike situation! == } } > whirl peas } } I see no peas here. } } > recalibrate Dicken's Cider. } } I don't know how to " recalibrate " } } > w } } You can't go that way } } == Feel a rush of Nostalgia with the UNIX command line gag! == } } # rm supplicant } supplicant: No such file or directory } # zot !$ } Permission denied } # sync; sleep 1; sync; sleep 1; sync; exit } logout } } === And who can forget the garbled for some ascii art! === } } _______________ } I_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _I } I_______________I } / \ } / o \ } / ~ ~o~ ~-~ ~ ~_~o~ ~ ~ \ } [ - . - _ - - ] Ha! W..dch..k!! } I . . - _ _ I } I |\__/| o .~ ~. I } I /x x `. / .' I } I {o__, \ . \ { I } I / . . ) ) \ I } I `-` '-' \ . \ } I } I .( _( ) )_.' I } I '---.~_ _ _| o _ - I } I_________________________I } (_________________________) } } ORDER NOW Operators are standing by! } Call 555-555-5-555-555-5 Extension 5 --- 1235-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Bouncing and vivaceous Oracle, you are disgustingly happy, whilst > I am incrediboggingly bored. Would you have advice for me, or > should I ask your cousin the Boracle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } "You have reached the Oracular Answering Service, We're sorry, but the } Bouncing, Vivacious Oracle is off Parasailing in Hawaii with a bevy of } scantily clad supermodels. In order to serve your needs, please select } one of the following options: } } "If your question involves current political events in the US... Press } "1" to be connected with the Waracle. } } "If your question involves carpeting, linoleum, ceramic tile, or } painting yourself in a corner... Press "2" to be connected with the } Flooracle. } } "If your question involves shopping, prices, or finding space to put } your stuff... Press "3" to be connected with the Storacle. } } "If your question involves your pitiful, dull, useless existence... } Press "4" to be connected the Boracle. } } "If your q..." } } } } [Monotone] } } "Thank. } } "You. } } "For calling. } } "The. } } "Boracle. } } "Please. } } "Enter. } } "Your Phone. } } "Number." } } } } } } "Thank. } } "You. } } "theBoraclewillcontactyoushortlytogiveyousomehelptolivenupyourlife.Pleas } ehangupnowanddonotcallbackagain." } } } ---------------------------------- } "Priest, do you have the address?" } } "M-M-Most assuredly, your Medium Eminence. The criss-cross directory } was most helpful." } } "Well, what are you waiting for, enter the address and activate the } matter transfer machine." } } "Y-y-yes, Your Consistency. But Sir, is this wise? We haven't tested } this before!" } } "Look, Worm, this fool claims to be bored. Remember the old curse? } } "D-D-Do you mean 'May you live in interesting times?' Your } Monotonousness?" } } "Right. That's the one. Activate the machine." } } } } "Now set the following temporal and spatial coordinates... 10 minute } duration each, with immediate transfer to the next sequence: } } "New York, top of WTC1, 8:40 AM, 9/11/01 } Kabul, anywhere, today } Honolulu, Hawaii, 6AM, 12/6/41 } ... } "And when that's done, set the cosmetic mimicry to 'Secret Service' and } place the Supplicant on Dick Cheney's protection detail. } } "We'll see if that fool ever complains of being bored again." } --------------------------- } You owe the Oracle a fresh bottle of Suntan lotion, and the Boracle a } nice long book... 'The Oxford Unabridged Dictionary" should do just } fine. --- 1235-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I just bought a container of baby powder and it has white powder > all over it? Is it infected with Anthrax? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. That is, as the label clearly states merely powdered baby. --- 1235-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > A ponder began that sounded low, but it continued to get louder > until it was deafening. Then there was a blinding flash of lightning > insight, accompanied be a horrifyingly accurate thinking sound! And > Lo, there appears the Oracle! All bow low! > > Is this to be the last Halloween? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [ Priest note: After publication, this answer was found to be an } existing work. It's been attributed to Darrell Goffinet, around or } before Halloween 1994. ] } } Well, Supplicant, only if you don't pay heed to: The Oracle's Top } 20 Ways Survive Halloween } } 1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check } to see if it's really dead. } } 2. If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetary, } was once a church used for black masses, had previous inhabitants } who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, } or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house, } move away immediately. } } 3. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke. } } 4. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out. } } 5. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which } they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which } is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you } a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several } rounds to kill them, so be prepared. } } 6. When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go } it alone. } } 7. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell. } } 8. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, } tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead. } } 9. If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find } out that it's just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you value } your life.* } } 10. If appliances start operating by themselves, move out. } } 11. Do not take *anything* from the dead. } } 12. If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for } a reason. Take the hint and stay away. } } 13. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure } you know what you're doing. } } 14. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down } at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note } that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely } shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you. } } 15. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic } behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, } increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as } possible. } } 16. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are } listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're } in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any } small town in Maine. } } 17. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby } deserted-looking house to phone for help. } } 18. Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple } guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, } butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from } deceased companions. } } 19. If you hear disembodied voices, do not wait to vacate the premises. } } 20. If a friend whom you know is dead calls out for help; DON'T. } } You owe the Oracle an idea for a really cool costume, and an extra } handul of treats when he comes a-knockin'. And I'll know if you are } just pretending you're not home.... --- 1235-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who? What? Where? When? Why? How? How much? How little? > Why not? Who else? So? Who cares? Why would they? Why wouldn't > they? What is the meaning of life? Do you know? How come? What do > you mean? Why do you say that? Why would they say that? Why would > I say that? Why wouldn't you? Why can't anyone? Can you? Would > you? Would you eat green eggs and ham? Why me? Why anyone? What > did they say? How could you? How could anyone? How would anyone? > Could there be? Should I say so? Which is better? What is best? Is > that so? Where were you? Who were you? What are you? When can > you? Can you get there? Can you get here? When can you get there? > When can you get here? What's the answer? What's the question? > Please? What is it? How much was it? What does it do? Where did > you get it? How does it work? Why can't I have it? Why are you > giving it to me? Why aren't you giving it to me? What reason could > there be? Do we need a reason? Do I need a reason? Do I need one? > What do I need? What might I need? What would I need? What would I > want? What might I want? Can I afford it? Can I afford to? Can > they afford to? What can I afford? Can they do that? Who would let > them? Why would they let them? Could they let them? Why won't they > let me? Can they let me? Why am I? How are you? Who is he? Why is > he? How is he? Where is she? Why doesn't she? Do you like it? Do > they like it? Would they like it? Why don't I like it? Might anyone > like it? Could anyone not like it? What's for dinner? Why can't I > have something different? Why do I have to finish it? Why can't I > have dessert? Can I have the steak? Can I have it medium rare? Can > I go there? Can you go there? Can I take you? Can you take me? Can > we carpool? Why can't we carpool? Why won't you carpool? How can > you carpool? Why do you put up with this? Who else puts up with > this? How can you put up with this? Why don't you put up with it? > Why can't you put up with it? Are you sick? Am I sick? Is it > contagious? Is it serious? Are you serious? Was he really joking? > Do you think I'm joking? Is it any good? It it really that good? > Can it be that bad? Why is it good? Why isn't it good? Would you > buy one? Why would you buy one? Why wouldn't you buy one? Why won't > you buy one? How could I buy one? Could you buy me one? Could you > buy me some? Will I win? Can I win? How can I win? Why won't I > win? Why will I win? Why will they lose? Will I really win? Will > they really win? Can I lose? How much can I lose? By how much can I > lose? Will it matter? Does it matter? Could it matter? Do I > matter? Why does it matter? Why doesn't it matter? Where do we come > from? Where do I come from? Where am I going? Where are we going? > Are we going? Are we there? Are we there yet? Why aren't we there > yet? Why can't I stop? Why don't I stop? Can I stop? Could you > stop me? Can I stop you? Would I stop you? Should I stop you? > Should you stop me? Can they stop him? Why doesn't he stop? Why > won't they stop? Why do I do it? Why don't I do it? How would I do > it? How could I do it? How should I do it? Might I do it? Why > could I do it? Why should I do it? Why would I do it? How much > would you pay me? How much would you pay me? How much could you pay > me? Why won't you pay me? Why don't you pay me? How much could I > pay them? How much should I pay them? Should I pay them? Would > anyone pay? Would anyone say? Could anyone say? Should I say? > Should they say? Should they tell? Should I tell? What should I > bring for show and tell? What's that smell? What the hell? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } An announcer comes over the public address system: } And tonight's speaker, Orrie! } } A large cloud of smoke appears at one end of the auditorium, and slowly } dissapates as it approaches the podium where the last tendrils whisp } away from this incarnation. } } The topic of tonight's lecture is how to deal with annoying people. } } First, I would like to state that ignoring then will not get them to go } away. At first we tried that, but the number of w**dch*ck's in the } queue piled up too fast. After that, we tried just filtering them out, } but annoyance goes a long way past mere filtering. They rot-13'd; they } misspelled; they had wond that battle, but we were getting the clue. } We started to really fight back. We learned the power of HZTP! } } That's right Hyper-ZOT Transfer Protocol. At first, it was just } directed toward those who dared feign to beat us at our own games } leading to a massive search for the best way to ZOT those who asked } specifically banned questions. Then through the use of markov chains, } probabalistic logic, genetic programming, and a bit of hoodoo, we } extended it to form an annoyance index. } } We started it by feeding it the ten most annoying questions ever, and } it now has a 99.9993% accuracy rate on returning a boolean value for } annoyance. Allow me to illustrate: } } *The curtain behind the incarnation is immediately transparent where a } small machine with a ticker-tape output and an ethernet connection is } visible. A normal PC is sitting next to it. The incarnation sits down } next to the computer and when he turns on the monitor a large screen } above him projects the following:* } } *Computer Monitor* } To: The Internet Oracle } From: Bad User } Subject: tellme } How much wood can a...? } } *screen blanks and says "Sending..." The incarnation stands up, and } walks back to the podium and says:* } } Now in just a few short moments, while the mail queue is being } processed, *ZOT!* You see the power of the system. Also note that, as } the tickertape indicates, this user has been blacklisted. This system } keeps a record of annoying users and is programmed to hack into } Department of Defense computers and order a special operations team to } track down, and annihilate any users who happen to manage to send a } second question having not learned their lesson. } } Any questions? Yes, Mr. Lehrer. } } Lehrer: What about non-w**dch*ck questions? } } I'm glad you asked. Allow me to illustrate: } } *The incarnation goes back to the terminal* } } To: The Internet Oracle } From: ZOT Guy } Subject: tellme } } Who? What? Where? When? Why? How? How much? How little? } Why not? Who else? So? Who cares? Why would they? Why wouldn't } they? What is the meaning of life? Do you know? How come? } } *ZOT!* --- 1235-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Yes or No? Linux or Windows? Star Trek or Babylon 5? Unreal or Quake? > Movies or TV? 123 or Excel? Good or Evil? Zork or Wolf3d? Ain't It > Cool or Coming Attractions? C or Pascal? X or Y? Half Life or Deus Ex? > You or Me? ZIP or ARC? Fate or Chance? Geek or Nerd? More or Less? > Diablo or Diablo II? Funny or Serious? AOL or MSN? Greek or Latin? > Quine or "Hello, World!"? Sine or Cosine? Word or Wordperfect? Red or > Blue? RDRAM or DDR-SDRAM? Double or Nothing? Xyzzy or Plugh? Time or > Space? Intel or AMD? The Young or The Restless? Fallout or Arcanum? > Straight or Gay? rec.humor.oracle.d or rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc? Liberty > or Death? 3.1 or 95? For or Against? :) or ^_^? Terry Pratchett or > Douglas Adams? dBase or Oracle? Rhyme or Reason? Slashdot or Kiro5hin? > In-Jokes or One Liners? RISC or CISC? Elf or Dwarf? The Web or The > Internet? Yea or Nay? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Maybe. Silly mortal, neither, OS/2. Voyager. Doom 3. } Silent films. Quattro Express. Zadoc. Unreal. } Neither. Java. Z. DAoC. Definitely you. } SIT. Lisa. Supplicant. Less for you, more for me. } Diablo 1-1/2. Seriously funny. Don't make me zot you for that one. } Hebrew. "Lucy, i'm home!". Bovine. Corel. Purple. } DDR-RDRAM. Everything. Yxzzx. Both. } Oracle. Old and restful. Fallin. Happy and sad. } RHODents. Freedom. 4.6. Against. ;(. Douggie. } SQL. Reasoned Rhyme. CowboyNeal. W**dchuck. } BISC. Legolas, not Gimli. Gopher. Maybe. } } For this extensive questioning, the oracle owes you a Zot. --- 1235-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Yes or No? Linux or Windows? Star Trek or Babylon 5? Unreal or Quake? > Movies or TV? 123 or Excel? Good or Evil? Zork or Wolf3d? Ain't It > Cool or Coming Attractions? C or Pascal? X or Y? Half Life or Deus Ex? > You or Me? ZIP or ARC? Fate or Chance? Geek or Nerd? More or Less? > Diablo or Diablo II? Funny or Serious? Word or Wordperfect? > Red or Blue? RDRAM or DDR-SDRAM? Double or Nothing? Xyzzy or Plugh? > Time or Space? Intel or AMD? The Young or The Restless? Fallout or > Arcanum? Straight or Gay? rec.humor.oracle.d or rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc? > Liberty or Death? 3.1 or 95? For or Against? :) or ^_^? Terry Pratchett > or Douglas Adams? RISC or CISC? Elf or Dwarf? The Web or The Internet? > Yea or Nay? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [ In the dark dank tunnels deep below the sub-basement offices of } the Internet Oracle we find Orrie dressed in a yellow bio-hazard } suit, a miner's helmet with light on his head. Before Orrie in } light cast by his hat is Zadoc, leaning on a shovel, knee-deep } in a gooey pile of ancient questions. ] } } Orrie: Lordy Zadoc, look at the age of these questions. "3.1 or } 95?", why half the people using computers today will think } that's about numbers and not bloated gaudy program loaders. } } Zadoc: Imagine that wise and dry one. Are we done yet? } } Orrie: "Zork or Wolf3d?" "Unreal or Quake?". Games from the discount } bins. Ahh, a sentimental favorite, "Half Life or Deus Ex?"! } } Zadoc: Wisest of the walk-ins, Master of the cameo, your part in } that fine game was not publicized enough. Are we done yet? } } Orrie: "123 or Excel?" We really must come down here and clean this } trap out more often. What's that one over there? } } Zadoc: "Red or Blue?", are we done yet? } } Orrie: Why it's from Yahweh himself wanting advice about monkey } bottoms. This question predates mammals. Ahh, those were } the days. } } Zadoc: Are we done yet? } } Orrie: Our work will never be done worm! So dig! Dig I say! } } Zadoc: I should've listened to my mom and studied law.