From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Sat May 25 19:22:20 2002 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6/8.11.6/IUCS_2.47) id g4PNrh909738; Sat, 25 May 2002 18:53:43 -0500 (EST) Date: Sat, 25 May 2002 18:53:43 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200205252353.g4PNrh909738@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1264 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1264 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1264 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sat, 25 May 2002 18:53:29 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1264 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1259 51 votes 26eib 9he92 4chc6 1ahe9 6ehb3 19oc5 07fef 5dn91 298kc 8fk71 1259 3.1 mean 3.6 2.6 3.1 3.4 2.8 3.2 3.7 2.8 3.6 2.6 --- 1264-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You don't really expect me to wear that, do you? > > _________________________________________________________________ > Send and receive Hotmail on your mobile device: http://mobile.msn.com And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Man questions his own .sig, film at eleven. --- 1264-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Weeeeeelllll, looky who we got here! Dance, hombre!! > > > > Yeeeeeha! Hahahahahahahaha! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } OK, Tex, that's enough ... } } ... time to get off the mechanical bucking bronco and let the next } tourist have a turn. --- 1264-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Sharp Oracle, I am your dull supplicant. My wise-guy brother sent > me out to get some oxymorons. I'm not sure whether I should go to > the mental ward or to a welding shop. Where will I find them, and > how will I recognize them? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The acute dullness of the clearly ambiguous and deliberately } thoughtless written sayings known as oxymorons causes intense apathy in } the Wise Oracle. Your only choice is to join the simply superb lonely } crowd of those that embrace rejection of oxymorons. Actively ignore } them, grab a plastic glass full of good tasting gin and get legally } drunk in your home office, or sit & watch educational television and } feel terribly pleased that you are forced to prefer seriously funny } stuff, like say, rhod humor. } } Argh, sorry about that. Up until those last two words The Oracle } thought he could get through this answer with out using an oxymoron. } Mea Culpa. } } You owe the Oracle a twelve-ounce pound cake and a tame cat. --- 1264-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ----- > | | > | > | _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ > | > | > ------ And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Bah! Hangman is so slow. If we're going to go retro then DOOM! } } [ Dark winding maze of brown walled hallways, on the walls are } huge posters of some furry faced demon. ] } } chuck, chuck, chuck! } } Zadoc's blood froze. } } chuck,chuck,chuck! } } Zadoc began backing away from the sound as he raised the shotgun } to his shoulder. Damn w..dch..ks. } } chuck, chuck, chuck! } } It rounded the corner and heaved a log at Zadoc, who side-stepped } the projectile easily and BUUUUUUUYYYAaaaah! One less w..dch..k. } } WHAMPT! } } Zadoc was taking damage! He whirled just in time to catch another } log full on in the face, his armor level dropping to 40%, his health } to 65%... BUUUUUUUYYYYYAaaaah! Two less w..dch..ks. } } Where had that one come from? Then Zadoc noticed that over there in a } dark corner the textures of the walls were not aligned as they should } be... he ran over and slammed into the wall, then backed up quickly. } } The wall rose, a beast leapt out; BUUUUUUUYYYYYAaaaah! Three down. } } Zadoc ran over the corpse into the now exposed hidden room. YES! } There he found a 100% health sphere and The Red Key and. . .the door } behind him opened. Zadoc whirled in time to see the Oracle . . . } } Zadoc died screaming. } } The Oracle stepped out of the shadows the BFG in his hand, laughed } and grabbed The Red Key for himself, then dashed off for the exit. } } You owe the Oracle a backpack and a more worthy opponent. --- 1264-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is internet filtering [removed]? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is a very [removed] question to answer, [removed] supplicant. You } see, the filtering controls are design to allow you to [removed] } certain [misplaced] content. This content, whether it be [removed], } [misplaced], or [stolen], is seen by many to be [lost]. Many } oarganizations, in fact, find this [removed] to be dangerous to } [deleted] children, who may suffer [censored] from exposure. Of } course, we all know that this is a [removed] load of [holy] [crap] } [did] [he] [just] [say] [that?]! The [removed] kinds of people who } argue for this [removed] sort of [removed], are just [removed] [better] } [send] [in] [the] [SWAT] [team]. In short, internet filtering is a } [removed] disgrace to the [removed] constitiution, and really [yikes] } hard donkey [hooboy]. } } You owe the [removed] Oracle a big [removed] [removed] [removed], with } big [removed]. --- 1264-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle of vast knowledge, tell me this: > > Why can you never get very far in NetHack unless you have named your > character something silly like "britney spears"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Velcommen Britney Spears, welcome to Nethack! You are a lawful dwarven } Valkyrie. } } You destroyed the lichen. } Unknown Command 'sing'. } The sewer rat bites! } Unknown Command 'dance'. } The sewer rat bites! } Unknown Command 'act'. } The sewer rat bites! } You die... } } Final Attributes } You were fervently aligned. } You couldn't sing. } You couldn't dance. } You couldn't act. } You are dead. } } Farvel, Britney Spears the Valkyrie. --- 1264-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, whose knowledge of medical terminology and urban myth know no > equal... > > I just awoke submerged in a bathtub full of ice, and am missing a > kidney. Anyway, the stranger who took me back to her hotel room and did > this to me forgot to leave the number for 911 next to the phone like > she was supposed to. What should I do now? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Apply for an Urban Legend Permit. Look, you are supposed to get the } permit first, and lose the kidney later. How many times do I have } to tell you people this? --- 1264-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > > i > > You are carrying: > A torch. > A lump of coal. > A lady's undergarment (soiled). > 20' rope. > A knasty knife. > > > look > > > > You are standing in front the Oracular Temple. Blinding white polished > marble stairs ascend into the clouds overhead. Two huge waste bins are > here. > > > X waste bins > > The waste bins are marked 'Tellme' and 'Askme'. > > > open bin > > Which bin do you want to open? > > > open tellme > > A horrible din erupts from the bin as it is opened. You are overcome > by the chaotic noise and become disoriented. > > You have fallen in the bin marked 'Tellme'. > > > l > > <'Tellme' Bin> > > You are in a room of twisty little passages, all looking the same. > You see here: > 2,743,892 Woodchucks. > 55,770 Null questions. > 1,275,882 Obscure in-jokes. > 300,646 Questions with humorous potential. > 1 Humorous answer. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The world turns upside down. } } You, 2,743,892 Woodchucks, 55,770 Null questions, 1,275,882 Obscure in- } jokes, 300,646 Questions with humorous potential and 1 Humorous answer } are tipped into a bin marked 'Askme'. } } Looking upwards you see the face of Kinzler before the lid is placed on } the bin. } } A woodchuck knaws your foot. } } > kick woodchuck } } With a flash of light, you find yourself travelling across the } Internet. Routers flash by with alarming speed and the route gets } narrower and narrower as you near your destination. } } You arrive in an Incarnations Inbox. } } > look } } } } You are in an Incarnations Inbox. A large glowing screen fills one } wall, through which you can see a giant Incarnation head. } You see here: } 12 Work-related emails } 322 Non work-related emails } 1 Question with humorous potential. } } > X head } } The giant Incarnation head is impressive. It looks at you } disappointedly before answering you in an autoreferential and recursive } manner. You become disoriented and confused. } } With a flash of light, you find yourself travelling across the } Internet. Routers flash by with alarming speed and the route gets } narrower and narrower as you near your destination. } } You arrive in your own Inbox. } } You owe the Oracle an explanation for that lady's undergarment } (soiled). --- 1264-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are my settings right? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You should have three forks, and the salad fork is the first. The wine } glass should be on the right, and the napkin should be fanfolded, } not ringed with one of those cheap napkin holders from Wal-Mart. } } Close, though you're not Martha Stewart yet. --- 1264-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it that the binding of my self-proclaimed "Spiral-Bound" > notebook is, in fact, a helix? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } .really..Hol } pective d.the. } .pers mark not } of ook.re ably.l ebo } . es.l ike. ok. } er do spirals..This a. up } t it. ke. iron sp .t } t t. .li e.noti y.i ir o. } a ha ok hav ced. s. al yo } m t o t. th no .. u } . . .l gh hey.got.t a t. B r } a e l i t he t l u . } . c l .m e: e.. .n . o t e } s i i u s h . a M s . y } i t w o e t em e t s e } . o . Y. ht. .morf. a o. o . } t n el .s fo. .d .n m a } I . g ko ynam.sekam ht e n } l na ob .e . d } l .t .eseht rekam eh . } iw aht .fo.s il ol } .u .mor .sex .ko } oy f.dweiv.nehw tni } .dna. ht.o } larips. ac.os.e } dell } } (You might have to look really close the read the text in the middle.)