From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Thu Aug 8 13:34:07 2002 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6/8.11.6/IUCS_2.47) id g78I2sX28883; Thu, 8 Aug 2002 13:02:54 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 8 Aug 2002 13:02:54 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200208081802.g78I2sX28883@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1277 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1277 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1277 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 08 Aug 2002 13:02:40 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1277 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1272 54 votes 1dpc3 1dlh2 16qc9 1akf8 35fjc 3clc6 0aij7 27gch 2aif9 02emg 1272 3.4 mean 3.1 3.1 3.4 3.4 3.6 3.1 3.4 3.6 3.4 4.0 --- 1277-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > OWAAKO, > > I have decided that, to assist you in your oracling, I would like to > coin a few useful acronyms. For instance, I think we need a standard > and easy tribute, such as Oh Wise And All Knowing Oracle (OWAAKO), so > as to not make you read such things over and over again. I think You > Owe The Oracle (YOTO) might require less ink and hand motions on the > part of your priests. What do you make of these ideas, great Oracle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } GI! SB! EBIBFTI, AWLI. } } YOO a new cell phone. --- 1277-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, who could bring a knife to a gunfight and win > anyway, please tell this lowly supplicant... > > Where have all the cowboys gone? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First, just to make sure we're clear, I could come to a gunfight with a } spoon and win anyway. Isn't *that* ironic? } } Hmm, cowboys, cowboys--I had them here a second ago... Ah, here we } are. Since the main job of the cowboy was to herd cattle from the } ranches to the various slaughterhouses, the need for them was greatly } reduced as more of the country was connected via road and rail. Today, } all the cowboys have changed professions to a modern job that suits } their skills. Since they can withstand a great deal of monotony, are } proficient in pointing brainless animals in the proper direction } (especially when the destination is not in the animals' best interest), } jump into action the moment any little thing goes awry (which includes } things being "too quiet"), don't care what they're wearing as long as } it's comfortable and are willing to shoot someone they don't like on } sight, they are currently in great demand. } } We now call them tech support. } } And don't be fooled by those namby-pamby city-slickers on "help desk". } Those fools can't tell a SCSI port from a hole in their head. I'm } talking real tech support. The guys and girls who'll format a hard } drive just to show the machine who's boss (especially if it runs any } form of Windows). I once saw a man quick-draw his leatherman and swap } out two hard drives and a motherboard before the greenhorn MCSE he was } facing found the power switch. Some say they've lost their spark from } the old days, but those who do have never felt the sting of a blood } sacrifice freely given to the gods of PCI card installation. } } Oh, you want to know how to win a gunfight with a spoon? Just hold it } up and say "There is no spoon". When your opponent looks at your hand } to try to figure out what you're talking about (and how to get you to } share your obviously high-quality stash), you kick him in the } saddlehorn. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of chaps, a spoon, and a saddlehorn cup. --- 1277-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Your move. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle: Checkmate. } } Zadoc: Dang, I always lose. No more. } } Oracle: Come on this time I'll play minus the pawn. } } Zadoc: Hmm, so all you get on the board is your king? } } Oracle: Yep. So how much do you want to wager this time? --- 1277-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oraxl most versed in the scienfce of biolofy, > > What's so geat about opoosavle thumbd anyway?cI > sid't need rthem to type trhis qurstion. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Look, until you guys crank out the works of Shakespeare } NONE of you monkeys are supposed to be sending out email } and the like. We won't even bring up all the hits to } simian.love.com. } } You owe the Oracle three weird sisters. --- 1277-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle most knowing, whose breadth I am not fit to butter, > > Everytime I reload the homepage of the Internet Oracle, the words > 'Internet Oracle' appear in a different style. At first I didn't > notice it much, but then I realized that there could only be one way > for such a phenomenon to occur--I must have supernatural powers that > allow me to travel to different dimensions where 'Internet Oracle' > is written differently! Or perhaps my computer is responsible for > such a wondrous ability. The thing is, Oracle, that all the other > dimensions are pretty boring. I mean, they're pretty much like the > one I started out in. Where are all the interesting ones, and why > can't I get to them? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You _are_ in the interesting one, bucko. Consider all these dimensions } that you could have been stuck in: } } Dimension 34: Chocolate tastes like sour milk and oysters. } } Dimension 101: The average sleep cycle is 19 hours out of every 24. } } Dimension 332: The laws of physics allow for only three possible } musical notes, which have been dubbed Moe, Larry, and Curly. } } Dimension 399: An orgasm is slightly less interesting than a sneeze. } } Dimensions 555 through 559: Emperor Gates has forbidden all } non-Microsoft technology and there are no rebels because the idea } of rebellion has never been conceived. } } Dimension 609: Due to unfavorable genetic mutations all women talk like } Selma and Patty Simpson. } } Dimension 747: Cheese dissolves instantly in sunlight. } } Dimension 785: Movies soundtracks are _never_ synchronized with } the pictures. } } Dimension 1102: Phones and doorbells continue to ring for 30 seconds } after they've been answered. } } Dimension 1229: The Oracle ZOT!'s his supplicants _before_ they } ask their questions. } } You owe the Oracle some chocolate NOT from Dimension 34. Eewwwww! --- 1277-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, my local government's legislature recently > enacted a law entitled thus: > > "Funeral directors and embalmers; continuing education." > > No doubt there is a considerable public interest in this subject. > The details, however, escape me. What marvelous advancements have > been made in embalming these days, that would prompt such a requirement > on education in the subject? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } EMBALMING LESSON #1: } } Make sure the person is dead before embalming them. } } WHAT IF: } } The person is not dead? } Do not embalm; instead, call the person's family, friends, and local } news. Pretend it was a miracle. } } The person is not dead, but I embalmed him anyway? } He's dead now, so what does it matter? } } EMBALMING LESSON #2: } } Make sure you know how to use the embalmer. } } WHAT IF: } } I don't know how to use the embalmer? } Learn. } Aren't you going to teach me? } No. } Why not? } I don't want to. } This is supposed to be educational! } You want educational? Fine then. We'll be starting number theory } today- } No, no, you're supposed to teach me about embalming. } I am. } But you're supposed to teach me how to use the embalmer! } Read the manual. } } I don't know how to use the embalmer, but I used it anway? } That depends. Did it work anyway? } Yes: OK, now you know. } No: RUN. } } EMBALMING LESSON #3: } } You don't need special education on the subject to become an embalmer. } } WHAT IF: } } The law requires it? } Read this instead. } } EMBALMING LESSON #4: } } What are you still reading this for? You're smart enough to realize you } don't need to continue. } } EMBALMING LESSON #5: } } You are an idiot if you are reading this. } } EMBALMING LESSON #6: } } There is no lesson 6! Haven't you figured that out by now? } } (The guide continues with 200 more pages of similar filler material. } The government approves of it wholeheartedly.) --- 1277-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Disgusting Oracle, when will my questions make it into the > Oracular Disgusts? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } When you send them to the right address. Try disgusting@aol.com, } I think that's what the Disgusting Oracle is using now, but it might } be his hotmail account. Coincidentally, for the Internet Oracle, } asking how to get in the digests is a surefire way not to get in } the digests, just as mentioning that a reply won't make it ensures } it won't. However, at times, succoring those wise, funny, attractive, } well-to-do, and successful high priests can have an effect. } } You owe the Oracle. Big time. --- 1277-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most erudite, unencumbered by a need for errata due to your > perfect nature you are my exclusive source of enlightenment. I > worship you and the horse you rode in on. . . > > What can I do to keep from getting hurt by jellyfish while at the > beach? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Bring peanut-butter flavored goldfish. A lot of them. Dump them in } the water. If there are any jellyfish, they'll spend all their time } trying to drive out the peanut-fish (they hate competition). } } You owe the Oracle some fish-flavored jelly. --- 1277-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > L06 0n H3R3 Dud3! --> 127.0.0.1 > > I s3t up aN aCc0unT 4 U! Us3 th3 L061n aNd Pa55w0rD > fr0m Y3r rEgu1ar AcK0unt AnD Y3r 1N! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } K3\/\/L! T|-|4NKZ 4 T|-|4 S|-|3LL 2 UR 4KK0UNT D00D! } |3UT J00 S|-|0UL|) CL33N 0UT UR CR3|)1T C4R|) #s D00D! 1 |30UG|-|T 4 } N00 4L13N\/\/4R3 \/\/1T UR \/1S4! T|-|4NKZ! } } J00 0\/\/3 T|-|33 OR4CL3 |\/|0R3 L33TN3SS! --- 1277-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Grand Oracle, one whisper from you and I could cross the > Rub' al Khali at mid-day with a song in my heart. Your every > suggestion is worth its weight in uncut rubies. > > Why is conspiracy theory believed over facts now a days? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant, let me just say that that grovel was very, very pretty. } It's rare to even get a grovel nowadays, so that makes the really } nice ones all the more enjoyable. Please accept My gratitude. } } Now, on to your question. } } It is an established fact in human psychology that you tend to see } patterns in things that are truly random. The typical human conception } of "randomness" is, in fact, something that could only result from } order, whereas if you present someone with a randomly generated image, } s/he will think that s/he can find patterns within it. } } Now, turn your attention to the diagram on the chalkboard over there, } if you would be so kind. In it, we can see that in fact, it was the } members of the Warren Commission who caused the Teapot Dome Scandal, } that the leaders of the G7 were responsible for JFK's death, and } that the Illuminati have actually cornered the world platinum market. } Further, the Greys have infiltrated KFC and everyone knows that the } CIA is putting flouride in the water supply so that Coca-Cola can } sell more products. } } The problem is that you sad little humans take these plain, honest } facts and try to find some sort of order in them. It's a pity. } } You owe the Oracle one of those pyramids with an eye on top.