From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Sun Aug 18 14:55:16 2002 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6/8.11.6/IUCS_2.47) id g7IJSkg12226; Sun, 18 Aug 2002 14:28:46 -0500 (EST) Date: Sun, 18 Aug 2002 14:28:46 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200208181928.g7IJSkg12226@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1279 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1279 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1279 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sun, 18 Aug 2002 14:28:33 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1279 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1274 50 votes 2deg5 5dea8 5gk54 5cl84 15ejb 26cm8 07ffd 25kh6 35egc 1aje6 1274 3.3 mean 3.2 3.1 2.7 2.9 3.7 3.6 3.7 3.4 3.6 3.3 --- 1279-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > After having viewed all of the "Thumb" movies and the Lego Old > Testament, I am now ready to make my cinematic debut. > > But tell me please, O wisest Oracle, is the world ready for a > stop-motion Play-Doh(tm) version of "Last Tango in Paris?" > > I'll hook you up with 1.7% of the net in thanks. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, this Oracle, having actually done a couple of stop-motion movies } when he was much, much, younger, (back in the days when "Super 8" } referred to film that had to be developed with chemicals,) thinks } that there is a market for your film. I don't know if the "world" } as a whole is ready for it, but you will undoubtably develope a large } cult following. (Remember "The Night of the Living Dead" was filmed } by 6 accountants on their days off!) } } For a sequel may I suggest the following: } } The Top Ten Movies that would be great in stop-motion Play-Doh(tm) } 1 Titanic (Does Play-Doh(tm) melt or harden in ice water?) } 2 The Mummy (with Boris Karloff) (In Black & White Play-Doh(tm)) } 3 Star Wars (Episode 4) (No, wait, that's already been done as a fan } film!) } 4 The Birds (starring "Clay Pigeons"!!!) } 5 Gilligan's Island (The Reunion) (Skipper: "Gilligan, my little } Putty,") } 6 Jaws (just the music was great! dum dum dum dum dum... Clay Shark } Attack!) } 7 Pinochio (I want to be a real boy! But you're made of clay.. I mean } wood.) } 8 Spiderman meets Mr. Playdough } 9 Chicken Run (No, wait, that was clay-mation!) } 10 Blazing Saddles } } You owe the Oracle a starring voice-over role in Blazing Saddles. } I want to be that one guy, you know, the funny one, ummm, whatshizname. --- 1279-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, owner of more Gillette Stock than Warren Buffett, Most > Clever Immortal to have ever been to a SuperCuts, > > Should I bury bars of gold in my backyard? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes. And then please send your home address to: oracle@cs.indiana.edu --- 1279-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle so full of imagination that you could not become bored were > you petrified and sent to a sawmill. > > It's Friday afternoon in the office. Nobody else is here and I've > nothing to do but sit heremon the off-chance that the phone rings. > I've got a stapler, two pens (the red one's ok, the black nearly dry) > and a half pad of yellow sticky notes. Can you in your wisdom devise a > game for one with just these materials ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah.. this is a job for the Staple game. } } Step 1: } Place the pad of sticky notes on your left leg } Step 2: } Open the stapler mechanism so it can staple flatly, without the bottom } "base" interfering. It helps to use a staple gun, but work with what } you have. } Step 3: } Put a staple through the pad. } Step 4: } Remove the staple with one of the pens. } Step 5: } Remove a sticky note from the pad, and place it back on your leg. } Step 6: } Repeat steps 2 through 5, until you give up out of fear, blood loss, or } unbearable pain. } } Count how many sticky notes are left on the pad before you've given } up. This is your score. Lower scores are obviously better. } This also works well as a competition versus your workmates. } } Enjoy. --- 1279-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Woo hoo! > > Woooooooo hooooooo! > > Woo! Woo hoo! > > Woo! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Now Zadoc, quickly! Tie your other shoe before you forget how. --- 1279-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is it true? Are bears Catholic? Does the Pope- well, you know? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Italian Alps -- A hunting tragedy today ended the life of the } Holy Father. Vito Badiza was out hunting for snipe today when } he accidentally shot and killed The Pope who was squatting behind } a thick bush. "I saw this white shape and heard these weird } strained grunting sounds, " said Vito. "I thought it was a huge } alibino snipe so I fired." The Pope died instantly, clutching } a handful of befouled leaves. "This is awful," said a Vatican } spokesman, "he so loved to visit the woods each morning, and } after lunch. Now he's gone." No charges are going to be filed } against the hunter. "It was just an accident," said the local } police chief, "Sh*t happens." } } You owe the Oracle a cliche sewn on to a pillow. --- 1279-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle most trim and quick, you are far more tricky with > your words than 75,000 soon-to-release-their-first-book authors, > > Can moths talk? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, but they can type. Many of the posts you see on Usenet are } actually from moths. You can tell which posters they are by their } attraction to the flames. --- 1279-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The wise Oracle is a true Master of Sentences. The Oracle is > one who brings good luck and possesses a good eye. You are the > only entity on USENET that has added pi to pi just for laughs. > > Do you know any magic mediatrix you could share with us? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } But of course, dear supplicant. One I particularly like playing } on them is where you pretend that you're not really a journalist, } which is always quite a laugh because as they're wondering how to get } away tactfully, you just won't let them as you bombard them with more } questions (designed, of course, to keep the vict-- er, interviewee - } eager to talk with you). With any luck, you might get half-an-hour } out of them before they catch on. It's always worked for me. } } And then, of course, there's that one where you suddenly jump out of } a nearby bush and snap a photo of them. If you're lucky, you might } just catch them in an embarrassing position, which you then wave at } The Sun, which'll offer you a ridiculous sum of money for it. } } Oh, and there's-- what was that? These aren't media tricks? Sure they } are.. . ooohh, a *mediatrix*. Whoops... } } You owe the Oracle a better hearing aid. --- 1279-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'm trying to write a poem about you, but I'm hard pressed > for rhymes. Is there an Internet Coracle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Turn the sentences around. } } So instead of: } } Great is the silver haired Oracle! } } it reads: } } The Great Oracle has hair of silver! } } Then you have an easier word with which to rhyme. } } You owe the Oracle a robe trimmed in purple. --- 1279-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > We're having a non-sequitor duel. Would you care to participate, or > would you prefer to climb bottle caps? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The melon is particularly tasty this morning. Feel free to put another } slice of gravy on your fuel filter! } } You owe Rome a "u". --- 1279-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Paul Kelly The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > dear oracle, who knows P-K4 from e4... > > what gives? the chess book is claiming that Q-Q2! is the best and only > move, but not only is that a bad move, Q-N2 kicks *ss. With Q-Q2, > black has the simple reply of ...QxRP then the rest trades off for a > pawn ahead and a choice of N or B from the earlier pawn fork. Whereas > Q-N2 protects the rook pawn and the other pcs protected by Q-Q2 keeping > the pressure on black and also allowing NxB (...KxN) and white's B is > freed for an even trade and also breaking up black's ability to castle. > > Thanks. > > Charles "Chuck" Wood And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The bamboo in the garden clicked and groaned in the breeze. The } wise Oracle nodded slowly. Water in the stone fountain beside him } bubbled. A butterfly drifted by. In the distance a hawk cried. } Above it all cold clouds inched across the sky -- gray and laden, } slow and dark. } } "Tell me supplicant, what other games are you good at?" } } "I play a mean game of Candy-Land," the supplicant blurted out } flippantly. } } "This is good, for I have a priest here. Who also excels at } that noble sport." } } "But I wanted to know. . ." } } The Oracle raised his hand and frowned. } } The supplicant sighed. The Oracle rose and went into the temple, } the supplicant following in his footsteps. } } Soon the supplicant found himself seated, across a table holding } a Candy-Land board, from a kindly looking priest with lumpy hair. } } "Supplicant, this man is the priest of which I told you. He too } is good at Candy-Land. Moreover he is a sys admin that helps the } confused stay that way. And a writer of sonnets that almost } rhyme. And a father of three, one of which he knows about. And } he will play you in a game of Candy-Land." } } A large man with a spiky club entered the room. } } "And this is Og. He will cave in the skull of the loser of the } game and then throw that person's carcass in the temple moat. } Let the game begin!" } } The supplicant looked intently at Og. And then the Oracle. And } then the priest. The supplicant drew a card. One red square was } on it. He moved his token forward. The priest drew a card on } it was SNOWFLAKE QUEEN FROSTINE! } } "Dang, you're good," conceded the supplicant. } } The priest said nothing. Og grunted. The supplicant realized he } needed to play well, like he'd never had before. The supplicant } put his all into the game & while the priest was good, eventually } the supplicant pulled ahead. Then he got further ahead. And soon } it was obvious that the supplicant would win... then it dawned on } him. If he won the priest would die, his head caved in by Og. } The priest was the father of three, a writer of almost rhyming } sonnets, a sys admin -- well, he won't hold that against him, for } he did have funny lumpy hair. . . } } Then the supplicant stood up and kicked over the table, scattering } Candy-Land pieces everywhere. The game was like life! Random and } ending in death! This was how he would show he now understood. This } was how he'd repudiate the fatal pointless game of this world! He } had achieved Zen-queue! } } The priest looked at the supplicant. Then the priest looked down at } the board game on the floor. Then the priest spoke, "You big moron, } you knew I was about to draw the card for the Gumdrop Pass & then } I'd move ahead and kick your sorry skinny butt big time." } } You owe the Oracle a ginger bread man.