From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Sun Sep 22 13:40:59 2002 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6/8.11.6/IUCS_2.47) id g8MIGOK09693; Sun, 22 Sep 2002 13:16:24 -0500 (EST) Date: Sun, 22 Sep 2002 13:16:24 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200209221816.g8MIGOK09693@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1284 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1284 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1284 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sun, 22 Sep 2002 13:16:11 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1284 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1279 58 votes 8im64 2fhm2 3bjg9 4bii7 5ejb9 24jp8 5jt41 5lbd8 9ehg2 4cicc 1279 3.1 mean 2.7 3.1 3.3 3.2 3.1 3.6 2.6 3.0 2.8 3.3 --- 1284-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ubae subete kono te de > Tatoe kokoro kizutsuketeta to shite mo > Mezameta chikara karada o kakemeguru > Kotoba wa imi o kaete > Kinou no shinjitsu wa kyou no uso ni naru > Dare mo ga samayoi nagasarete yuku dake > > Yume ya ai nante tsugou no ii gensou > Riaru o fumishime hateshinai > Asu e to te o nobasu > > RECKLESS FIRE sou daitan ni tamashii ni hi o tsukero And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "ROT-$random_number_that_changes_every_ten_seconds" proved } to be a dismal failure. --- 1284-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What happens to people who don't brush their teeth? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [PRIEST'S NOTE: After this Oracularity's publication, it was discovered } that this answer contains the copyrighted lyrics to Weird Al Yankovic's } song "Toothless People" from his "Polka Party" album. Our sincerest } apologies to Weird Al.] } } They only show you their gums when they smile } Ain't got a tooth in their heads now, how vile } Only can eat things like pudding and applesauce } They never have to buy toothpicks or dental floss } } Hey, stand up } Toothless people, their breath is lethal, wanna tell you } Hey, come on, stand up, get on your feet } Toothless people, old and feeble, what I say } } No more of those pearly whites will they possess } Their oral hygiene is frightful, a mess } Lots of 'em suffering from trench mouth and gum disease } At least they don't have to worry 'bout cavities } } Hey, stand up, take out your teeth } Toothless people, old and feeble, oh yes } } You can brush 'em, you can floss 'em } They're something you just can't ignore } If you lose 'em, you're in trouble } 'Cause the tooth fairy won't come no more } You need something to show your dentist } The next time he makes you say "Ah" } You don't wanna have to wind up } Eating all of your food through a straw } } (Like toothless people, toothless people) } You'd better brush your teeth now (hey) } Toothless, toothless, toothless, toothless people } Hey, stand up, toothless people --- 1284-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mighty Oracle, > > My computer is all #$%$ed up. What can I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Flip it over and #$%$ it back down. --- 1284-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oh, oracle ever so wise: > > What is 1,000 + 40 + 1,000 + 30 + 1,000 + 20 + 1,000 + 10? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Diminishing returns. } } You owe the Oracle a new broker. --- 1284-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great an omniscient Oracle, > > What are the 10 worst grovels you have ever recieved? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } From the home office in Bloomington, Indiana -- It's the bottom 10 } grovels! } } #10. Like, Oracle, dude. Help.. or something. } } >> Like, dude. Uh, no. } } #9. Oh, Oracle, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways... } } >> Shakespeare died a few hundred years ago. Thanks for playing. } } #8. Dear Friend, I send you this letter to have your advice. } } >> Alright, a free copy of Klez! } } #7. This is a multipart message in MIME format. } } >> Yes, there's probably some worthless VCard or stationery attached } >> to this, but the text must be obfuscated by MIME too. I love it! } } #6. READ TO SEE HOW YOU CAN MAKE MONEY FROM HOME WHILE LOSING WEIGHT } AND ENLARGING YOUR BODY PARTS! } } >> Sign me up!! } } #5. May I take your order? } } >> Yet they never seem to get this right. I even do this one in } >> person. } } #4. OMG Mandy u wuldnt beleeeev bout last nite i had the most rawk } time... } } >> Misdirected e-mails are great. I like to tell the Supplicant } >> "Woodchucks will invade next Thursday" whenever I get something } >> like this. } } #3. aNSWER mY qUESTION oR eLSE I wILL pACKET j00! } } >> ph33r. } } #2. Oracle, Svp aidez-moi M-` manger du fromage. } } >> "Ooh, look at me, I'm such a clever Supplicant, what with my fancy } >> foreign language and all." We are not amused. } } and the WORST grovel ever: } } #1. Oh great an omniscient Oracle, } } >> Sheesh, if you're going to address the great Oracle of Oracleness, } >> at least spell 'and' correctly. } } You owe the Oracle a mail client with a killfile. --- 1284-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Og like monkeys. > > Pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. Og thought that > odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. Og decided not > to look a gift horse in mouth. Og bought 200. Og like monkeys. Og > took Og 200 monkeys home. Og have a big car. Og let one drive. His > name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were > really bright. Monkeys kept punching themselves in their genitals. > Og laughed. Then they punched Og genitals. Og stopped laughing. Og > herded them into Og room. They didn't adapt very well to their new > environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off the couch at > high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the > spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour. Two hours > later Og found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they > all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta dropped dead. > Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. > Damn cheap monkeys. > > Og didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all > over Og room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from Og bookcase. > It looked like Og had 200 throw rugs. Og tried to flush one down > the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then Og had one dead, wet > monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys. Og tried pretending that they > were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, until they > began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. Og had to pee but > there was a dead monkey in the toilet and Og didn't want to call > the plumber. Og was embarassed. > > Og tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. > Unfortunately there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time > so Og had to change them every 30 seconds. Og also had to eat all > the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad. Og tried burning > them. Little did Og know Og bed was flammable. Og had to extinguish > the fire. Then Og had one dead, wet monkey in Og toilet, two dead, > frozen monkeys in Og freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a > pile on Og bed. The odor wasn't improving. > > Og became agitated at Og inability to dispose of Og monkeys and to > use the bathroom. Og severely beat one of monkeys. Og felt better. > Og tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city > wasn't allowed to dispose of charred primates. Og told him that Og > had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. Og didn't bother > asking about the frozen ones. > > Og finally arrived at a solution. Og have them out as Christmas > gifts. Og friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended > that they liked them but Og could tell they were lying. Ingrates. > So Og punched them in the genitals. Og like monkeys. > > What Og do for Christmas next year? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Cards, Og, just send cards. } } You owe the Oracle, um, never mind, I'd probably get a dead monkey } instead. --- 1284-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most judicial of Internet deities, I submit to the court that, were > the worlds laws set by yourself rather than the current hodge-podge of > scholars, politicians, despots, lawyers and other ne'er-do-wells, it > would be a happier, saner and more productive place. Can you give me > an indication of some of the laws that should exist, and would if you > were in charge ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah! At last a supplicant with an intelligent question. Indeed I } answered this question originally aeons ago, when first mortals came } and and said "we need a system of laws to govern ourselves"; it may } well have been one of my first few questions! I distinctly recall } writing the answer down somewhere; not quite sure exactly where I } put it. Hmmm... } } < Hours of searching dusty Oracular archives later > } } "Law #1: Be nice to each other. } } Law #2: No really, that's it. Nice. } } Law #3: Well as nice as you like I suppose, just so long as you're } altogether pretty nice really. } } Law #4: Well, if they're not being nice to you, you should be nice } back, because it will show them up for being a bit less nice than } you are. } } Law #5: If they're really truly not very nice at all, I suppose you } can be a bit not nice to them for a little bit, but really you should } try just being nice because it would be better all round. } } Law #6: Frankly I think niceness is sufficent; I'm not sure that } being any more specific is of any use whatsoever. And to be honest } if he had done that to your goat, that would be very naughty of him, } people really shouldn't go round doing that sort of thing to goats, } but in some contexts that could be viewed ... } } Law #7: Look, you're really beginning to try my patience, all I said } was nice, ok, NICE, work on that for a while, and come back if you're } still having trouble. } } Law #8: Listen, cretin, NICE. Ok? N - I - C - E. } } Law #9: --*-<>-*-- } } Law #10: You owe the Oracle a cow, I haven't had a good steak for } a while." } } You owe the Oracle a better explanation for the origins of animal } sacrifice. --- 1284-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, oh mighty and all-seeing Oracle, who may or may not secretly > be a woman named Deborah "Happy Feet" Hooker, > > What should I do? I am receiving e-mail from someone whose name > appears to be "Sweeney", who appears to be writing from Iceland, and > who keeps on, for some reason I do not fully understand, calling me > "Chuckles." I am puzzled and a little disconcerted by this and am not > sure what my course of action should be. > > Thank you in advance for any help or insights you can provide. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What's the matter, Chuckles? } } Are you *scared*????? } } Love, } Sweeney --- 1284-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Bless the Oracle who gives straight judgements to strangers and to > the men & women of the land, and goes not aside from what is just. > And lucky those who mind the words of the Oracle, their cities > flourishes, and the people prosper in it: Peace, the nurse of > children, is abroad in their land, and cruel war against them > happens not. > > What is the ultimate destiny of faithless kittens? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'd say the outlook isn't too bad. } } FUTURES MARKET AT-A-GLANCE } Fri Sep 20, 3:35 PM ET } } Corn................ $2.6075/bushel .... down $0.0600 } Wheat............... $4.0000/bushel ...... up $0.0450 } Oats................ $2.0100/bushel .... down $0.0225 } Soybeans............ $5.6450/bushel ...... up $0.0050 } Faithless Kittens... $3.1325/bushel ...... up $0.0750 } } You owe the Oracle couple bushels of those kittens. --- 1284-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle who sees and knows everything and understands all mysteries, > including why bored aliens make crop circles, I crave the answer to > one of the world's greatest mysteries. > > What is James Bond's age ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [ The Oracle, dressed in a very clever disguise, crawls in } through a window - thirteen stories up in a Manhattan high- } rise. With a small pen flashlight he makes his way to a } wall safe secreted behind a framed picture of a pug dog } in an Hawaiian shirt. The Oracle deftly opens the safe } and pulls out a sheet of highest quality paper. He studies } it and whispers into a microphone on his lapel. ] } } Oracle: I have it. 45 years old. James' bond is a series H } savings bond issued in 1957. That is all. Have the } car ready. I'm coming down.