From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Mon May 5 10:54:18 2003 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6p2/8.11.6/IUCS_2.49) id h45FWuK22119; Mon, 5 May 2003 10:32:56 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 5 May 2003 10:32:56 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200305051532.h45FWuK22119@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1320 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1320 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1320 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 05 May 2003 10:32:43 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1320 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1315 52 votes 04jm7 5kg74 27hdd 77jc7 2edbc 03ol4 cj966 5dgb7 1ele2 04amg 1315 3.2 mean 3.6 2.7 3.5 3.1 3.3 3.5 2.5 3.0 3.0 4.0 --- 1320-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do fools fall in love? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They ignore the warning signs and keep climbing the damn fence. --- 1320-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle of ancient wisdom, > > What are the top ten signs your college may be involved in a Masonic > conspiracy? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } \0/ \0/ } /V\ The Top Ten Signs your College may be Involved /V\ } in a Masonic Conspiracy } } 10. Really, really nice brick buildings and walls everywhere. } } 09. Basketball coach slips at times and says, "We'll never } throw in the trowel." } } 08. Graduating students' mortar board hats have globs of wet } cement on them. } } 07. Cheerleaders wear white aprons festooned with cryptic symbols. } Team is called "The Fighting Two Head Bald Eagles" and their } chant is "We got DEUS MEUMQUE JUS, yes we do! And we're about } to put a paralyzing hex on YOU!" } } 06. Levels and compasses listed as required on syllabi for all } classes, from English 101 to Graduate seminars on history } of Babylonian blood rituals -- the latter of which seem to } meet darn near every other night in the Under-Quad, which } you can't seem to find in any map } } 05. Your dorm roomie has a full scale mock-up of the Prometheus } Mars Probe hanging from the ceiling above a pedestal holding } a vole's skull in a bucket of magically refreshing bull's } blood on the blue and white checkerboard design he's painted } on the floor. Oh, and on alternating full moon nights he } locks you out altogether. } } 04. Huge 3 faced goat headed demon on one side, Osiris on the } other and Dr. Gull on the remainder figures largely in the } constant rumors dealing with untimely murders of those } that get a tad to talkative about...hpu9vbp yu[ii] } uhhji' op./; } } [ NO CARRIER ] --- 1320-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do mules fall in love? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To make asses of themselves. --- 1320-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Alex, what is a really good reason to stop submitting questions to the > Oracle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That is correct for $100. } } Michael: I'll take lame jokes, weak characters and woodchucks for $200. } } And the answer is, "He is the Oracle's right hand man." } } Michael: "Who is Og?" } } No I'm sorry that's incorrect. } } Michelle: "Who is Zadoc?" } } And you are Correct. } } I'll take lame jokes, weak characters and woodchucks for $300. } } It's a visual answer: } } *** 1291-06 ********************************************************** } Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) } } The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > Oh Oracle Most Wise, } > } > Who ? Me ? } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } Yes. You. } } } } You owe the oracle a complete sentence. } ---------------------------------------------------------------------- } } Mandy: "I didn't do anything, it was her." } } I'm sorry that is incorrect. } } Michelle: "What is the worst response ever digested?" } } That is correct. } } Michelle: I'll take lame jokes, weak characters and woodchucks for } $400. } } The answer is, "Zot!" } } Mandy: "A yummy soft drink?" } } Uh, no Mandy... you have to answer in the form of a question, and are } you even reading the topic? } } Mandy: "Where is my yummy soft drink?" } } Anyone else? Beep Beep Beep. } } The answer we were looking for is: "What is, How much wood would a } woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?" } } Michelle, it's still your selection. } } Michelle: I'll take lame jokes, weak characters and woodchucks for } $500. } } And the answer is ">" } } Michael: "What are 90% of all question submitted to the Oracle?" } } You are correct. } } Michael: I'll take The Best of RHOD for $100 --- 1320-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, of whom even the greatest grovel would be an injustice. > > What is/Or Was The Secret of Monkey Island? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "The Secret of Monkey Island" was a successful computer adventure } game released in 1990. Published by Lucasfilm Games (now LucasArts), } it spawned three sequels, with a rumoured fifth game... } } *THWAP* } } What? You think the supplicant knows about the games and } actually wants The Secret? Oh. Better dodge the question then. } } Ahem. } } Look behind you, a three-headed... } } *THWAP* } } WHAT? If I give away the answer it won't be a secret anymore! } What do you mean it's obvious anyway? If it was that obvious } the question wouldn't have been asked! Fine, fine, whatever. } } Ahem. } } The Secret, of course, is the location of Monkey Island - it's } actually Mururoa Atoll some years from now. The radiation left over } from atomic tests in the late 20th century caused all sorts of } strange mutations - how else could one neatly explain three-headed } monkeys, pirates who can stomach Grog, Lemonhead, giant ear cleaners } and Herman's madness? } } Of course, disclosure of such a secret doesn't come cheap. } } You owe the Oracle an original woodchuck question. --- 1320-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mr. Oracle, > > My dad tells me that money doesn't grow on trees. However, I can't > help thinking that shouldn't be a problem, because somewhere in the > world video games probably grow on trees and that's what I really want. > > Why is my daddy so stupid sometimes? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, you see, video games don't grow on tress. Video games grow in } the ground and have to be harvested like potatoes. Now this is a messy } business and a costly one, since the very dirt they grow in can often } ruin the games. This means that growing games is not for the } inexperienced, and is what is responsible for the games' prices. So } you see, your daddy isn't so stupid after all. --- 1320-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'm always getting bitten by chiggers. Isn't there something > I can do? At least change the name of the damned bugs so I > don't feel like a bigot talking about them. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Don't supplicants grovel these days? Hold on, let me try something. } } *ZOT!* } } No, the chiggers are still there. But there's not much left to bite. --- 1320-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most wise, rich in both senses and sense, > I implore you for your wisdom: > > Why does the streetcar always smell funny after > the baseball fans have been riding in it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle: Let's find out. Zadoc. Get on that streetcar full of } baseball fans and report back to us. } } [ The Oracle smiles and forcibly flings Zadoc into the streetcar. } Inside, Zadoc finds himself surrounded by baseball fans. Singing } baseball fans. ] } } Sweat it out after the ball game, } Dang, we're rank as a crowd. } Whiffs of old peanuts and me crack `round back, } I don't dare smell it, makes the world go black, } Let me poot, poot, poot for the home team, } If they don't swoon I'm to blame. } For it's one, two, three grunts, it's out, } And we all smell the same! } } [ Zadoc leaps out of the streetcar the first chance he gets. } The Oracle is there waiting for him, laughing his robe off.] --- 1320-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle of all creatures great and small, > > Why do we always get such idiots in government these days? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I could note that your elected representative are, as it } happens, ELECTED. Governments don't spring up overnight, } unbidden, like fungus between shower tiles. Indeed, } hundreds of thousands of people are necessary to even run } a campaign, while millions more are needed to actually } vote. } } From the surprised tone of your question, I guess you } mistakenly believe this is the first time idiots have } elected an idiot. Sadly, your species has a fairly } extensive history of such behavior, so much so that I } would be startled if idiots managed to elected a smart, } decent man. South Africa almost had me there with Mr. } Mandela, but then I remembered he was a convicted } terrorist. } } No no, this is just the course of human history } playing itself out, dear supplicant, as it will do } until the end of time. Sadly, nothing ever changes. } } This, incidentally, is why I took pity on mankind } about 12,000 years ago and showed them how to make } beer. } } You owe the Oracle a six-pack of Pilsner Urquel. It } took you guys about 11,900 years, but you eventually } got my recipe right. --- 1320-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most singular, > > Why do "ellipse" and "ellipsis" have the same plural? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The plurals aren't quite the same. The plural of } 'ellipse' is 'ellipses', which is pronounced the same } as 'ellipsis', the plural of which is 'ellipses', } spelled the same but pronounced differently from } 'ellipses' (as in the plural of 'ellipse'). } } Hope I'm not going around in circles...