From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Tue Oct 7 15:46:44 2003 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.10/8.12.10/Submit) id h97Jkb9q000451; Tue, 7 Oct 2003 14:46:37 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 7 Oct 2003 14:46:37 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200310071946.h97Jkb9q000451@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1337 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1337 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1337 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 07 Oct 2003 14:46:26 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1337 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1332 54 votes 47ieb 5al99 5kfc2 19mh5 28kg8 9bic4 37lk3 2in65 29fee 29jae 1332 3.2 mean 3.4 3.1 2.7 3.3 3.4 2.8 3.2 2.9 3.5 3.5 --- 1337-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle, > > Just how long is it between the time the congratulations are sent > out until the digest is published? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The answer is a trivial one. Let: } "the epoch" be defined as 1980-01-01T00:00:00Z } g = time of initial grovel, in microseconds since the epoch } c = time that congratulations are sent out, again in us since epoch } p = time that the digest is published, still microseconds since E. } a = age of supplicant (in millifortnights) when s/he lost virginity } r = energy density of the vacuum at the third Lagrange point of } the earth-moon system } g = the price of petrol at the station closest to the supplicant } at the time 22.7 hours after the next major oil tanker spill } i = sqrt(-1) } w = waist size of supplicant's pants (US units) when they got } their license to drive } } Then it is clear that if we set } x = ((c-g)**2 - (p-g)**2) / (a * (g*w)**3 ) } then sqrt(x) would represent the digest-pressure potential. } Using a little known formula of Dirac, we can then see that: } z = (sin(a)+phi(r*(p-c))) / e**(i*p/r) } would indicate the inflationary factor. Consequently we will know: } w = E(x) / H(z) } with E(x) here being the Cauchy function, and H(z) representing the } Heaviside spectrum of z. This finally gives the desired answer: } } Soon, but not yet. --- 1337-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > "The CD in the drive goes round and round..." And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } And never stops, and makes no sound. } Then, at day, when geeks go to sleep } The CD stops and leaves its keep. } It sails through the air all silvery light } and buries itself in the bedpost alright. } The geek awakes and looks at the drive } the 54speed that at last came alive. } The laser is piercing, the geek in despair } the cd is quite definitely beyond all repair. } So he collapses in frustration and pain, } Without his mp3s life's senseless, in vain. } He crawls back into his bed then rather unhappy } and fondly thinks back to the 3"5 floppy. } } You owe the Oracle an 8" floppy drive for his notebook. --- 1337-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > No, I'm not raising my hand. I was just stretching. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Top Ten Funny Things to Say while Being } Stretched to Death on The Rack } } 10. No, I'm not raising my hand. I was just stretching. } } 09. NBA, here I come! } } 08. And to think I thought chiropractors were all } a bunch of frauds } } 07. %/ One pill makes you larger, the other } one makes you small. . . /% } } 05. Look! I'm a giraffe! Next imitation, Boa } Constrictor. } } 04. You know Abe Lincoln once said a man's legs were } long enough if they reached the ground. } } 03. STRRRRRReeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech Armstrong!!!! } } 02. Gandalf, I feel spread too thin. Like butter } on toast. } } 01. Does this mean I'll have a longer bed waiting } for me in my cell when I go back? --- 1337-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle most munificent and discerning, please rescue this person > of no account from hapless confusion. > > I keep reading in the news about Weeki Wachee Springs, the only > mermaid habitat in the U.S. First they were closing, now they're not, > etc. That's not the point. The point is, I have grave doubts about > the legality of that operation. > > Physically, a mermaid is half woman, half fish, but what is her legal > status? If she's a person, then it's illegal to keep her penned up in > what is effectively an underwater sweatshop. But if she's a fish, > then she's an endangered species and it's illegal to endanger them > further. They need to start a captive breeding program. With mermen. > Which they don't have. > > However you slice it, something smells funny at Weeki Wachee. So I > ask you, seriously, what is the right thing to do with a school -- er, > society -- whatever -- an inland infestation of mermaids? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, Supplicant, } } it is a common misconception to think of Weeki Wachee Springs as a } sweatshop, or zoo. } Weeki Wachee Springs, the "Mermaid Refuge" as it is known in those } circles, was founded 56 years ago not by men exploiting mermaids but by } men _under the spell of mermaids_. This might sound as just a trivial } difference but the ramifications are huge. Believe me. } Not that the Oracle has ever been under the spell of mermaids, of } course. Dear me, no! I'm far too omniscient to fall for _any_ scheme, } even if it works on the more basic instincts. Apart from that, Lisa is } an active member of the "clubbing mermaids for fun and profit" } movement, so they never last very long around here anyway (that's with } the exception of the trophy room, where they last _very_ long indeed). } To get back to your question: yes, mermaid are an endangered species. } But that's not why they founded Weeki Wachee Springs. Due to the } abscence of mermen they have been an endangered species for so long } that they don't get overly excited about it. } No, they founded the Refuge Of Weeki Wachee Springs to get away from } all those pot-bellied, zero-performing and un-gilled men that went } after them every time they showed up near a popular beach. } Honestly, I don't blame them. The prey they were after, those } Hasslehoffesque bay watchers, stayed firmly put on the beach until one } of the swimmers got into danger. So they lured innocent swimmers into } their lair. Only to find out that they don't have gills so that any sex } had to be rather straightforward, not to say very fast. And that the } bay watchers, when they came to collect the bodies, didn't stay. } So they decided to work the other way round. They found some men } willing to act at their bidding and started to leave the deep blue seas } in order to settle in a controlled habitat. To you it might look as if } they would be performing a choreographed ballet based on the idea of a } man who will only make it to Broadway if he takes a bus. In reality } it's one of the many mating dances of the mermaids. Uncounted are the } numbers of tourists who have fallen to this evil trick of theirs, only } to stay in Weeki Wachee Springs as personel, or lovers, or both. } To answer your question as what to do with a school - and yes, let's } call it a school, since that's what it is (you could also call them a } platoon - though since they are not part of a larger campaign, the term } would be technically incorrect) - of mermaids gone berserk, well, it } depends on your point of view. The Oracle of course has no problem with } them. } If you're one of those puritans with a weird idea of sexuality you } would probably like to nuke them. Don't try. They survived for eons } without any males around, so they probably are not prone to death. } If you're female and your better half has fallen for them: oh come on - } what do you want a guy _that stupid_ for anyway? } If you're male and they rejected you: if you really don't see that } you've been very, very lucky indeed, see your therapist. } If you're male and currently under water, in the midst of really wild } sex: develope gills. Fast. } } You owe the Oracle a weekend in Weeki Wachee Springs. Not for himself. } For Lisa. --- 1337-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'm so glad that the Archemedean Property is true in R, aren't you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In R? Arrh!, Arrh-chimedes' Prroperrty. } When a body be placed in fluid, it be subject to an upwarrd forrce, } equal in magnitude to the weight of the fluid it be displacing. } Yarrh, that be trrue, matey. } } Ye be owin' the Orracle a bathtub, me hearrty. --- 1337-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > This is a multi-part message in MIME format. > > ------=_NextPart_000_0016_01C386F3.F2D005C0 > Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" > > why I must have hairy nipples? they are so minging and none of the > girls like them. > > ta Ben > ------=_NextPart_000_0016_01C386F3.F2D005C0 > Content-Type: text/html; charset="iso-8859-1" > Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable > > >

why I must have hairy nipples? they are so minging and none of the > girls like them.

>

ta Ben

> > ------=_NextPart_000_0016_01C386F3.F2D005C0-- And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, yes. Hairy nipples are a side effect of the curse I automatically } place on people who persist in sending me mail with (1) all that HTML } nonsense, and (2) no grovel. Sorry about all that. Well, actually no, } I'm not really sorry. But cheer up, all is not lost! Keep up with } your HTML research. It won't get you any girls, obviously, but you'd } be surprised what you can do with that tag and a little } ingenuity. } } You owe the Oracle a comb. Or braids. Or something. Geez, man. --- 1337-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Waaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!! Want Cookie!!!!!!!!!!!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } New to the web, eh? } } Don't worry. The desire for cookies will pass. Very quickly. --- 1337-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great and Abstemeous Oracle, your omniscience shines like the > burning desert, with each particle of knowledge like a grain > of sand. What a job it must be trying to find anything in > there! > > How exactly does your omniscience work? You've got to know, > literally, the position and momentum of every atom, electron, > other particle in the Universe. That leaves nothing left over > as a storage medium. How the heck do you do it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Mostly I use the mysterious spaces in the backs of storage closets } where even the bravest of janitors dare not go for main storage. } Register storage is maintained in the millions of "junk drawers" in } kitchens worldwide; this is why their contents are always mysteriously } changing. Named variables are stored as socks, wire coat hangers, } miscellaneous nuts and bolts, etc. Their location is unimportant, but } they are often moved into registers for short periods. Unnamed } variables may be stored in named variable storage, but more frequently } are held in the pockets of six-year-old boys. } } You owe the Oracle a better random number generator than pocket lint. --- 1337-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, am I depressed, or just sad? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Are you Depressed or Just Sad? } ------------------------------ } } 1) What color is the sky? } a) grey } b) blue } c) I don't care } } 2) What is your opinion about suicide? } a) thanks, but I'd rather not } b) why would anyone do a thing like that? } c) everyone should try it once } } 3) If I gave you a dollar to buy some ice cream with, you would: } a) take it, buy some ice cream, and try to cheer up } b) decline it, and buy some ice cream with your own money } c) wonder what the point was } } 4) If told to get to get some exercise, you would: } a) press weights at the gym } b) take a walk through a spring meadow } c) sit at home and mope } } 5) Which of these best describes your current facial expression? } a) Weeping } b) Laughing } c) Deadpan } } 6) Can you describe a reason for your current mood? } a) Death (of pet, love, other). } b) Life (raising tone). } c) Life (falling tone). } } 7) A friend takes you out to see a comedy. You: } a) fell a little better } b) enjoy it thoroughly } c) hardly notice } } 8) Two monkeys fall in a vat of jello. You: } a) try to find a way to help them get out } b) sit back and enjoy the show } c) walk away and hope they drown } } Scoring: Score 3 points for every "a" answer, 0 points for } every "b", and 10 points for every "c". If your score is: } 0 to 5: You're manic } 6 to 14: You're happy } 15 to 60: You're sad } 61 to 80: You're depressed } } You owe the Oracle a smile. --- 1337-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "T. Gies" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If the Oracle were any more resplendant, we would be struck > dumb and would be unable to ask our questions, and what a > shame that would be for all concerned! > > Why does my wife insist that it is my turn to take out the garbage? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Struth, for my Oracular resplendancy is truly } infinite, but all are spared shame and lament by this } saving grace; Even those dumbstruck can usually peck } out a question on their keyboard if given enough time. } Case in point... } } > Why does my wife insist that it is my turn to take } > out the garbage? } } It is a combination of genetics and society my lad, as } is everything. You know, the whole nature/nurture, } yin/yang tastes great/less filling dichotomy. } } Consider the undeniable fact that it always is, was, } and will be your turn to take out the garbage. Once } you can wrap your meager man-brain around that gem, it } is easy to deduce that it is your turn in any given } situation. Just as it is always your turn to get out } of a warm bed to investigate that mysterious noise in } the middle of the night, and your turn to clean the } gutters each spring and fall. } } That water shall flow downhill, and the sun shall rise } in the East, these are fickle and uncertain in the } face of the inevitibility that it is your turn. Deal } with it!