From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Fri Mar 5 10:32:39 2004 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.10/8.12.10/IUCS_2.60) with ESMTP id i25FWcpt011388; Fri, 5 Mar 2004 10:32:38 -0500 (EST) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.10/8.12.10/Submit) id i25FWc8M011386; Fri, 5 Mar 2004 10:32:38 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 5 Mar 2004 10:32:38 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200403051532.i25FWc8M011386@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1352 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1352 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1352 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 05 Mar 2004 10:32:26 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1352 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1347 59 votes 4hjg3 3chn4 1eil5 2dgl7 2ho97 17gmd 4djcb 28jeg 4bggc 5imd1 1347 3.2 mean 2.9 3.2 3.3 3.3 3.0 3.7 3.2 3.6 3.4 2.8 --- 1352-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most omniscient of Oracles, who has more wisdom in your little > fingernail than I have in my entire body, > > Do you have any comments for our readers on the woman who took that job > in the Dungeons of Doom from you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sweetie, the Oracle takes on many guises to fit the client's } expectations, to suit the climate, or his whims. Being a grumpy } old bearded guy all the time is fine for system adminstators, } but sometimes the Oracle likes a change... } } [ The lights dim, a wall of speakers and amplifiers rise } up behind the Oracle, who now holds an electric guitar } and has donned a pair of very fake, absurdly large pouty } lips. The Oracle begins to rock out! ] } } Please allow me to introduce myself } I can be a man, or a gal with rings of paste } I've hung around for a keg of virtual beer } Told many a man his question was a total waste } } Zadoc: Ooo, who } } And I was 'round before Kinzler had mice } or 'e heard of GNU or GUI window pains } Made damn sure that Tim Chew lad } Washed his hair -- and scrubbed his face } } Zadoc: Ooo, who } Ooo, who, who } } Pleased to answer you } Hope you guess my name } But what's clogged the queue } Is a bunch of questions all the same } } I stuck around some Indiana School } When it was time for this oracle to change } Killfiled ol' Joel and his sinsters } Bunch of lemurs screamed insane } } I robbed a bank } boffed a general's skank } While the rhodents raged } and no one said thanks } } I shouted out, } Who asked about Barbie, Ken and me? } When after all } It was... } } [ TWANG! ] } } Oracle: Oh man, I broke a string. } } Zadoc: Ooo, who } Ooo, who, who } Ooo, who, who } Ooo, who, who } } Oracle: Worm, enough already! } } Zadoc: Ooo, who, who } Ooo, who, who } Ooo, who... } } Oracle: ZADOC! } } Zadoc: Sorry noble one. } } You owe the Oracle a cure for heroin addiction. --- 1352-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: lawrence.4@pop.service.ohio-state.edu The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most helpful, > > Despite the fact that I lost my arms in a horrible accident 2 years > ago, none of the arms dealers I've spoken to are willing to help. Why > is that? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Like you, I'm stumped. --- 1352-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please tell me about the country of Vigeria. > > I expect your answer awaitently and grovel > continuously as I wish something would happen. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Vigeria, a nation with a rich history, was formed when three small } villages in Patagonia, Suriname, and Kazakhstan simultaneously seceded, } forming the only sovereign nation on earth that exists simultaneously } on three separate continents. Vigeria's benevolent dictator-for-life, } Pol "Baby Hitler" Stalinsein, has succeeded in raising the standard of } living in the country significantly in his five-month rule by the } simple expedient of deporting everyone not directly related to him or } really, really attractive. Unfortunately, the treasury is continually } depleted by the enormous air-fares required for him to travel to the } three co-capitals. } } You owe the Oracle diplomatic immunity and a CD of David Hasselhoff } singing the Vigerian National Anthem: "Coffee, Tea, or Sovereignty?" --- 1352-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > 88 Lines about 44 Supplicants > A Song > By T.I. Oracle And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Fuzzy was a catatonic squirrel, nut queries submitted end on end. } Karl a queue junkie type, would needle me, as he stuck one in. } Mary was a bland girl, and I'm afraid I yawn at Qs like that. } Sue hated ASCII pictures, 42, and a certain Mr. Schroedinger's cat. } } Reno was a city question, a geographic twin peak memory. } Lassie was a tire chasing freak, she liked that kind of, and a tree. } Ricky had this special way of taking answers all, all too wrong. } Cameltoe's queries always cracked up, I'd roar both good and long. } } Xena couldn't type, a TV star, but kind of a leather sap. } Joan asked of voices in heads of deep black deep black bathyscaphs. } Cherry was a bright red fruit, she really lacked the gift of gab. } Katherine question always this: TELLME is every Horse so fab? } } Seabiscut was another horse his questionable mark a pile of cr*p } Parker was a tongue tied pup, he'd start to ask then take it back } Oglina had this spiky club talk that made folks both foam and rage } Married Helen, had some fun asked, "I & Paris, will spawn a play?" } } Dorky, thought the the w..dch..k taboo was kind of lame, } Peewee brought popcorn back, it looked icky, asked of fame } Marilyn, who knew JFK by name, was never, ever satisfied. } Jules V. came & went so fast, he never even let his sub get dry. } } Some Rhodent had a donut road, lived on oregano, ate long pig } Tim owned a good mind, a questionable sense of worth, and a wig. } Frenchie his life empty, filled the queue up with his scrawl. } And Caramia, oh so pretty, she wouldn't hear of MIME at all. } } Paul thought fish were funny, it turned him on & turned her off. } Kitty-Kat constipted, asked about Exlax cat food by the trough. } Dino was the perfect drunkard, he never gave his story straight. } Jackie a rich golddigger, asked about her hubby -- far too late. } } Saran Wrap was a modern plastic, a lean pristine transparency. } Remote wrote bad crossover questions in a crazy kind of urgency. } Moonunit Zappa asks of `bagas & the art of tuning singing fruit } While Hook's deranged obsession was for trolling, high on toot. } } Roe asked about Wade's daughter, a topic far too hot to touch. } B-B's brother left the barrel, ricocheted funny, asking too much. } 401K had no such problems, perfect interest for a loan. } Tina's question switchblade sick, had an edge, cut to the bone } } Bobbie wanted to know under where he'd find his socks. } Elohim, the avatar, asked of a prince, of whales, and lox. } Larry wanted things debugged a bit, instead he got a top ten list. } Mr. Raygun was much more my style, he mumbled often, had lisp } Jesus, went forty days with no drinking, dry questions every day } While Dinah drove a golf ball question deep into San Francisco bay. } Roise asked about Ohio, she was round on either end too } And moldy Popeye, here's a twist, I have your answer in my fist } Bar foo Foobar and take two } } Eighty-eight lines about forty-four Supplicants. } } You owe the Oracle ninety nine bottles of beer. --- 1352-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oh greatest oracle.... who's age is ifinity larger than mine. i have a > question that neds an awnser. > > why didn't all of violet's clothes tear off when she became a giant > blueberry? i mean, come on. she couldn't possibly fit into her clothes > when she was a huge blue berry. and what would of happend if they did > come off? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Wonka porn, the depths have been plumbed. --- 1352-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > > look > > You are in the middle of a desert. There appears to be some sort of > structure to the north. > > Obvious exits: N S E W NE NW SE SW > > > inventory > > Thou, the most Illustrious Oracle hast: > > Some cool Shades > A +5 Rod of Zot <10 charges remaining> > A wafer (10x) > A canteen (full) > A piece of paper > > > look paper > > It appears to have something written on it. > > > read paper > > Greetings Oracle. We placed you in this world to see what you would > do when separated from your loyal Priesthood. > > (Signed) The Anti-Oracle Faction- Force of the Endless Desert > > (you finish reading) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > look N } } There appears to be some sort of structure to the north. } } > N } } You are outside the Temple of the Anti-Oracle. There is a legend } above the door. } } Obvious exits: S E W NE NW SE SW } } > Read legend } } The legend reads, "What are you gonna do now, Mr. Smartyrobes?" } } > examine door } } The door looks very sturdy. There is a heavy padlock. } } > examine lock } } The lock reads, "Woodchuck Strongthew Zot-proof Padlock" } } > jump up and down } } You jump up and down in a rage like a spoiled child. } } > i } } Thou, the most Illustrious Oracle hast: } } Some cool Shades } A +5 Rod of Zot <10 charges remaining> } A wafer (10x) } A canteen (full) } A piece of paper } } > examine wafer } } The wafer is typical rye waybread, filling but uninteresting. } } > examine canteen } } The canteen is... } } > hang on. did you say rye? } } The wafer is typical rye waybread, filling but uninteresting. } } > Aha! } } I'm sorry, I don't know how to Aha! } } > put wafer on doorstep } } You put the wafer on the doorstep. } } > pour water on wafer } } I can't do that. } } > examine canteen } } The canteen is tightly closed to prevent evaporation. } } > open canteen } } The canteen is open. } } > pour water on wafer } } You pour a small amount of water on the wafer. } } > put paper in mouth } } You stuff the smug Anti-Oracle note into your mouth. } } > chew } } This is tough stuff! } } > chew } } Hmm, pleasant, if a bit dry. } } > chew } } The paper has been reduced to a pulpy, off-white mass. } } > spit paper onto wafer } } You spit the disgusting mass onto the wafer. } } > shade wafer } } With what? } } > shade wafer with shades } } You can't do that while you're wearing them. } } > take off shades } } Man, that's bright! } } > shade wafer with shades } } You prop up the shades so that they are blocking the sun from the } wafer. } } > wait } } The sun is very hot here. } } > wait } } Whew! What a scorcher, eh? } } > wait } } You are starting to feel a bit woozy } } > wait } } You are very hot and weak, and your vision is beginning to blur. } } > examine wafer } } The sticky rye-and-paper mass is coated with a purplish-gray fuzz. } } > eat wafer } } Are you sure? It doesn't look very appetizing. } } > eat wafer } } You manage to choke down the disgusting mass. After a few minutes, } you vomit it all up again, but you now feel very strange. The argot } in the mold has altered your conscious- ness. } } > travel astrally } } Where? } } > travel astrally to priests } } Your astral body leaves your physical form and floats gently along } paths of ethereal energy to the priests, who come and rescue you. } } ----------- } Now, you bloody well owe the Oracle the complete first season } of MacGyver! --- 1352-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please astonish me again with your miraculous knowledge of all that > has passed, your superb grasp of the here and now and fascinating > foresight as to what is to be...Oracle you are indeed grand. > > Should I take all my pans with me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } C'mon, Sam. You haven't seen a single thing worth cooking in three } weeks. I'm surprised you haven't seen more attention from the orcs, } what with all that bloody clanging. Speaking of food, you haven't got } any. You can't afford to be dallying around worrying about your } precious (sorry) pans. You'll have the opportunity to get more pans. } Right now you've got to get Mr. Frodo to Mount Doom so he can ditch } that damn Ring. Oh, and keep an eye out for that sneaky bastard Gollum. } He's still pissed off at not being nominated for an Oscar. } } You owe the Oracle a pound of Old Toby. --- 1352-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh doubted Oracle, > > Today is not opposite day. I loathe all of the advice you have ever > given me. I hope you take forever to answer this complicated > question: > > What are the rules for poker, again? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sadly for you, supplicant, you are correct in that it isn't Opposites } Day, seeing as such a festival only occurs on alternate Tuesdays when } the moon is full, and the slugs have formed a conga line down your } garden path. } } You've caught me in a merciful mood though. When Lisa gives me one } of her famous... I mean I'm just generally cheerful. } } The rules for poker are... } } 1) Each combatant is to be given one poker. } 2) All pokers must be standard issue black, 1m long and fireproof } 3) Any combatant caught with more than one poker shall have the extra } poker inserted into him/her. } 4) Fires are to be of high quality anthracite coal, and will have been } burning for between 30 minutes and 1 hour before battle begins. } 5) Pokes above the neck, and below the knee are illegal, and result in } immediate disqualification. } 6) Any combatant landing in a fire shall be mocked by spectators } 7) First to ten pokes wins. } } Not that difficult is it, really? Now take your poker, and get in the } ring. } } En Garde! } } You owe the Oracle a good clean fight, and some marshmallows. --- 1352-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O omniscient Oracle, > > Could you demonstrate the difference between the arithmetic mean, the > geometric mean, and the harmonic mean? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is a hot and boring afternoon in the Grand Oracular temple. A single } chime sounds, and the Oracle opens up his latest e-mail. He mumbles the } words out loud as he reads them, before scrunching up his face in } thought... } } "Zadoc? Hoi, Zadoc!" } } A man enters, shuffling on his knees in a most undignified manner } } "You called, oh He-Who-Is-More-Fragrant-Than-Roses?" } } "Shut up and listen" } } "Yes your magnificence, sir" } } The Oracle reaches back behind his throne, and pulls out a strange } looking device. It looks remarkably like something from Star Trek. He } points it at Zadoc, who promptly bounces up and down on the floor in a } rhythmic fashion } } "oof ouch oof ow ow ow ow " } } Zadoc gets back to his knees, minus one or two teeth... well, maybe } more than that... } } "Fankyou oh brilliant once, oh He Fow-Wich-I-Haf-Nuffing-But-Refpect" } } "Zadoc... calculate the angle between two lines both of which bisect } angles of 75M-: which themselves are separated by an angle theta, which } is equal to the angle made between the earth-moon and moon-sun lines on } Friday the twenty fourth of July last year at exactly the same time } that Mrs Grumbelmeyer's toast burned?" } } Zadoc quivers, frantically counting on his fingers and drawing diagrams } } "Time's up!" } } Zadoc is thrown against the wall by the device } } "*gasp* Fank *pant* you my lord" } } "Now Zadoc, tell me... at what speed is the second train travelling, } assuming the second train is in a set of fourteen which have velocities } varying from 13 m/s to 4 miles per hour in a quadratic relationship for } which the constants in the corresponding equation are 3, 4 and pi, } assuming that wind resistance accounts for one tenth of the velocity } and that variations in the speed due to track quality are negligible } but only to first order" } } There is a small silence } } Zadoc's head explodes, getting blood onto the brand new Winchester } carpets. } } "Well... that was definetly mean of me. In all three ways too" } } You owe the Oracle a mode of transporting his medians --- 1352-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do women wear a *pair* of panties but only *one* bra? > > (At least usually.) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, I think I see your confusion. The one bra covers a pair of items, } so you think it should be a pair itself. Grasshopper, you miss the } reason for a bra: to create the (single) cleavage. The pair of panties } serves to cover two distinct things (front and back, if you get my } meaning). } } You owe the Oracle many pictures illustrating -- Oh, hello Lisa, no, } no, nothing you can help me with -- why don't you make that pictures of } kids with balloons or something.