From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Sat Sep 25 16:15:57 2004 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/IUCS_2.62) with ESMTP id i8PLFuaw018719; Sat, 25 Sep 2004 16:15:56 -0500 (EST) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/Submit) id i8PLFuVT018717; Sat, 25 Sep 2004 16:15:56 -0500 (EST) Date: Sat, 25 Sep 2004 16:15:56 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200409252115.i8PLFuVT018717@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1370 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1370 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1370 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sat, 25 Sep 2004 16:15:44 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1370 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1365 59 votes 4heea 8ahg8 58jk7 56bji 1algb 07fra 2hm8a 39fn9 34ibn 24dmi 1365 3.5 mean 3.2 3.1 3.3 3.7 3.4 3.7 3.1 3.4 3.8 3.8 --- 1370-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hi, Orrie! You're so sweet. How was your day? I had a terrible time > first thing this morning with the traffic, and there was an accident on > Spring Street, this little Nissan just all crunched from hitting some > sort of a truck. I think it was a bread truck, because I remember > seeing it and wondering whether we had an extra loaf of bread at home, > and I thought about calling you on the cell phone, but then I decided > with the traffic and the accident I probably shouldn't. I did go past > the grocery store, but I didn't stop because by then it was really late > and when I saw Starbucks I remembered that I was supposed to have lunch > with Jan today. It's kind of funny, really, that Starbucks reminded me > about that, because Jan hates coffee of any kind, and she *certainly* > wouldn't pay for Starbucks. But take her to Nordstrom and she'll spend > money like nobody's business! Last time I saw her, you would not > believe the blouse she was wearing ... Orrie, are you listening? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lisa! Your sister's here. Again. --- 1370-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > okay dude like i give up > theres no good weed anywhere since my uncle got busted and tips are > barely covering repairs to my car anyway so even if i found weed i > couldnt afford it > at least i get free food but damn im sick of cold burnt pizza > so anyway my buddy ricky says you help people out and i need help > what do i gotta do here to get out of this crappy life? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Stand up straight. Straighter. } } Comb your hair. No, cut it. Real short. } } Put on some other clothes. Yeah, the jeans without holes will do fine, } if you wash them. Twice. } } Right. Now go. Find a "Help Wanted" sign in one of the shops. Get in } there, ask for a job. } } ... } } You didn't get it. You won't get the next one either. Nor the 8792 } other jobs that you are going to apply for befor you die an untimely } death from a combination of pneumonia and walking in front of a bus. } } If it is any consolation, this is not due to your drug psychosis or } your itching skin condition (which is, I should inform you, highly } contagious and not "just a rash" as you use to claim.) } } You are simply what we higher beings call an accidental minor deity. } Someone - an artist with a nice unemployment package somewhere in } Scandinavia, I think - started worshipping the god of unemployment who } enabled him to live for his art on the taxpayers' dough and the } Universe, seeing there was an amount of worship and no fitting vacuum } in which to put it, selected you as god of unemployment. This happened } exactly when you saw that "Help Wanted" sign and started to get your } hopes up. } } My fault? } } How dare you? I ought to zot you, but then, your present fate is so } much crueler than instant obliteration. Have fun. } } You owe me much entertainment. You _will_ pay. --- 1370-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Which eulogy starter is better: > "He died the way he lived, buck naked" or > "He died saving his family from a burning building" > Time is a factor on this one And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The nude got stewed saving his brood. --- 1370-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Maker of the biggest and meanest clue sticks, > > Ever notice that Tigger, the lovable character from the Pooh series, > looks an awful lot like a tiger? It's like they just added an extra > 'g' and created something completely different! And C++ is pretty > similar to C, but they added two pluses to make it sort of different. > Makes me wonder what cofe is? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Tonight, on "Newsnight", an exclusive story. The Church of England, } commonly abbreviated CofE, is accused of deriving its name and identity } from coffee. With us tonight we have Rev. Marshmallow, the head of } CofE's PR department, Lucifer Beelzebub dePfeffel Johnson, satanic } overlord of the world, and Angus Deayton, disgraced former host of the } quiz show "Have I Got News For You". } } I'd like to start with you, reverend Marshmallow. Is there any truth in } these allegations? } } (Rev. Marshmallow) Certainly not. The CofE has nothing to do with } coffee, in any way, shape or form. It merely is a vessel for the heroic } deeds of Jesus Christ, our lord. } } (Anchor) Do you mean "heroic" in the sense "heroin"? Are you saying } Christ was a junkie? } } (Lucifer, butting in) Yeah! YEAH! GROWWWRRRR! } } (Rev. Marshmallow) No! What a ludicrous thing to say! Jesus, our } Saviour, was only, in quotes, "high" on life, God and the shining } divinity of being! } } (Anchor) And by shining you mean "zionist". So, Jesus was a } fundamentalist jew? } } (Rev.) Preposterous! If anything, Jesus fought actively against.... } } (Anchor) "Anything" as in "amphetamine". You seem to be going back on } your claim that Jesus was not a drug addict. } } (Rev.) I.. I never claimed... } } (Anchor) "Claimed", of course, is short for "clay motherfucker". There } is no need for that sort of language, rev, Marshmallow. } } (Rev.) But... but... I... never... } } (Anchor) "I Never" as in "I am a flaming homosexual pederast"? Well, } it's good of you to admit it... } } (The reverend Marshmallow explodes) } } *applause* } } (Anchor): Thankyou, thankyou. The timer is at... 28 seconds, which } places reverend Marshmallow on third place on or master scoreboard for } "Who wants to make a religious leader explode with indignance?", right } underneath Mullah Fatima and our unreachable leader on the board, Rabbi } Wankelstein, who exploded in less than 0.6 seconds after being told } that he looked like a pig with a milk moustache. } } We'll see you next time, folks! } } *theme music* --- 1370-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Substantial but wildly aetherial Oracle, I crawl on my belly > muttering obsequious phrases that don't even make sense, to > show you my unworthiness to stand seated before you. > > Should I still bet on the Bosox for the Pennant? The Series? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, I recommend betting on the Botox instead. Consider: } } BOSOX BOTOX } ^^^^^ ^^^^^ } Have Varitek. Is high-tech. } } Are based in Wrigley. Abates wrinkly. } } Appear on ESPN. Infomercialized. } } Had Boggs, now don't. Had bags, now don't. } } So, there you have it, Supplicant. Botox in four. } } You owe the Oracle a muscle relaxant. Lisa's tired. --- 1370-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mighty Oracle, master of computer science and art, please help me! > > Where I work we make software (programs that run on a PC) and firmware > (programs that run on dedicated machinery, like a VCR.). Like any > company struggling to be profitable, we want to expand into new > markets. Our Marketing manager has heard of something called > "eveningware," and wants us to come up with a product. > > What does eveningware run on? And what's the best programming language > for writing eveningware? We tried writing a tupperware program once, > but it failed because people kept putting potato salad in it. What are > people likely to try to put in eveningware? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To best determine what you should turn this "eveningware" project into, } think about what you yourself like to do in the evening after a long, } hard day of programming at work. That's right - look at porn and read } some news! Eveningware will be a dedicated piece of machinery (you can } leave the details up to marketing and the engineers, though I think the } traditional VR-glasses would work best) that displays HOT YOUNG (fill } in the blank) on one side, and 17 DEAD IN (fill in the blank) on the } other! } } Of course, it will also be best if you get some sort of central } eveningware satellite up and running before you release the thing. You } know, display the same news and porn to everyone at once. That way, no } one will miss anything, and the whole world will be perfect. } } You owe the Oracle a bus ticket to visit you in hell. --- 1370-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mvsopen The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, what's the diff between love and intimate relations? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } One requires a cigarette after, the other a cigar before. } } You owe the Oracle a new, *clean*, dress. --- 1370-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Intensely brilliant Oracle, your flashing lights fall > on my deafph ears. My nose dive-bombs into the garlic > jar to avoid your well-aimed wrath. While you wait, I > grovel violently and spumoniously, all the while > keeping one foot in Italy. > > How can I avoid falling in love with the wrong guys > every time? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } While this probably won't help you fall in love with the _right_ guy, } but you asked how to keep falling in love with the _wrong_ guy. } Probably it takes you more than one day to fall in love with someone, } so if you simply eliminate a guy from your life if he exhibits any of } the following habits or characteristics, you're sure not to fall in } love with the wrong guy. } } 1) He mentions sex early on when meeting you. This means he is } interested in nothing but sex, and is possibly a sicko. } 2) He never mentions sex. He is obviously a repressed jerk. } 3) He has a girlfriend. If he will cheat on his girlfriend with you, } he will cheat on you with his next girl. } 4) He doesn't have a girlfriend. If no one else wants him, why should } you? } 5) He's attractive. If he's attractive, he must be a jerk. Blow him } off. } 6) He's unattractive, or at least doesn't look like he could be on } TV. The only real men are the ones on TV, or who could be on TV. } 7) He has a high-powered, high-paying job. He'll never be home and } will sleep with his secretary all the time. } 8) He has a crappy job (janitor, college professor, teacher, } paralegal). You want to be associated with that crap? } 9) He is gay. Many women find gay men attractive, but this can only } lead to heartbreak. } 10) He is straight. Straight men are interested in only one thing. The } sweetest straight man in the world is actually a cold-hearted } criminal at heart, and will re-invent his entire personality and } appearance just to get into your pants and stay there. } } If you avoid all those guys, you're sure not to fall in love with the } wrong one. } } You owe the Oracle a Diebold voting machine. --- 1370-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wonderful Oracle, who understands the French far > better than they do themselves, I am in need of > your vast linguistic and musical services. > > There's a song for which the chorus is something > like this: > > Voyez-vous des zombies lM-`, les zombies > et des loups-garoux . . . > > It's been haunting my brain, and with Hallowe'en > approaching, I feel slightly terrified by it. > > What are the rest of the words in the song? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I will translate the entire song for you, including the first lines, } which you already know. You can have someone else make it rhyme. The } Oracle doesn't do that anymore after a certain collaboration with a } certain Nabokov... } } Do you see some zombies there, } Some zombies and some werewolves? } You don't? well don't worry, } for they are coming, } you may be sure. } first the zombies will attack you } and while you defend yourself, } the werewolves will consume your face } (consume your face!) } and when you become quite faceless, then } the zombies will } invite you to dinner. } At the dinner you will be quite uncomfortable } and unable to eat, but } you will not want to be rude so you will not } excuse yourself, and will sit there in a lot of pain. } the werewolves will arrive late with some lame excuse. } The party will seem never to end, and you } will make many trips to the bathroom } just to break up the pain. } Finally, before the party begins to break up } one of the werewolves, as if he hadn't chewed } it off hours earlier, will say "say, is } there something wrong with your face?" } You will look at him and start to cry } and then they will all laugh at you } and the party will continue. } } It is a pretty terrifying song. It plays on some basic human fears, } like the fear of being stuck at an endlessly miserable and endlessly } continuing party for a thousand years. } } Where'd you hear that song, anyway? } } You owe the Oracle some foundation. --- 1370-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > New! Zot-Blocker 3000! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Uh-huh. Well, I think I can tell you right now that I'm not } interested. } } Yeah, I'm not interested. Thank you for calling...oh wait! } } Wait! Take me off your call list, okay? } } What? } } Yes, I want to be added to your do-not-call list. } } I have to talk to your supervisor? Well, okay. } } Yes, I'll hold. } } *do do do do do do do do do do do do, da da de de da do do * } } He's not in? Well, when will he be in? } } You don't know, eh? Well, just have him call me back...no! Don't have } him call me back! Just don't ever call again! Okay? } } Do I want you to put the order through? Put WHAT order through? The } order not to be called anymore? Yes, put that order through. } } Okay, yes, goodbye! } } *click* } } RRRRRRIIIIIIIINNNNNNGGGGGG } } Hello? } } "New! Zot-Blocker 3000!" } } You owe the Oracle a mobius strip.