From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Tue Dec 7 11:47:05 2004 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/IUCS_2.63) with ESMTP id iB7Gl5N4020430; Tue, 7 Dec 2004 11:47:05 -0500 (EST) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/Submit) id iB7Gl5J4020428; Tue, 7 Dec 2004 11:47:05 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 7 Dec 2004 11:47:05 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200412071647.iB7Gl5J4020428@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1374 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1374 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1374 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 07 Dec 2004 11:46:53 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1374 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1369 47 votes 3dhd1 45mb5 6aja2 9bg65 bhe50 03me8 4aka3 59jc2 47hg3 59id2 1369 2.9 mean 2.9 3.2 2.8 2.7 2.3 3.6 3.0 2.9 3.1 3.0 --- 1374-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is reincarnation for real? A huckster at a festival > sold me a plastic carnation that he said used to belong > to the late Rodney Dangerfield. It's truly lovely, and > whenever I wear it, I think of that fine and funny man. > > There's a bit of a problem, though. Now I have more > trouble than I used to. Headwaiters used to seat me at > a table near the good-looking women. Now they say, "Oh, > YOU," and if I get a table at all, it's next to the door > to the men's room. > > I went to the bank to get some money and they gave me > a bunch of 13-dollar bills with my own picture on them. > > At the post office, all the WANTED posters of the crooks > look like me. > > My dog still likes me, but instead of jumping up on me > (a habit I tried to cure him of) he now pees on my foot. > > Should I get rid of my plastic carnation? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You again? Oh, listen, I'd love to give you a really good answer } to your question. Thing is I've got a whole queue full of woodchuck } questions and Tim Chew hair jokes. Can you come back in a day } or two? } } *Private to priests* } } He found us. Again. Pack up your workstations and be ready to } leave in an hour. } } Oh, and don't forget to delete this bit before routing the answer } back to the supplicant. --- 1374-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Nozotting@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Extra-huge Oracle, you know more than the Empire State > Building, combined! I bet you know where King Kong lives. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Where he lives? Uh... Let me tell you a story. } ("Citizen Kane" spoiler ahead.) } } Stephen Spielberg has been serious about his art of filmmaking. He } believed, and he is not alone, that "Citizen Kane" was one of the best } films ever made. He went so far as to pay $20,000 in an auction for } the "Rosebud" sleigh, after which he said "Rosebud will go over my } typewriter to remind me that quality in movies comes first." } } Later, he met Orson Welles, and he was very excited to meet the master } of his craft. Speilberg, with great enthusiasm, told Mr. Welles about } the auction, the expense, the acquisition, and the reminder. Mr. } Welles grew quiet for a few moments and said very carefully "you did } see my movie, right?" } "Of course!" } "Do you remember the last scene?" } "Yes yes yes! Kane's possessions are heaped up on a fire, an allusion } to funeral pyres and the ephemerality of man's works --" } "Stephen. Stephen. What happened to Rosebud?" } "Oh, it went on the fire too." } "Yes. We only made one. I'm afraid you've been had." } } Now, what does this have to do with King Kong? Well, if you think of } Kong's fate at the end of the movie, you wouldn't ask where he's } "living" these days. } } You owe the Oracle a very, very, very large shovel. --- 1374-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Nozotting@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most omnivorous, I'm trying to break my lifelong habit of > overeating on Thanksgiving Day. I've tried lots of methods but nothing > has worked. Should I just go cold turkey this year? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, you go cold turkey the day *after* Thanksgiving. } } You owe the Oracle a plate of leftovers. --- 1374-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What smells? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Any animal with a nose. --- 1374-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great but Inexplicable Oracle, I can never explain you. I tried > telling my cousin Louie about you, and he said, "There's no such > thing as an Omniscient Internet Oracle. Most of the stuff you > find on the Internet is bogus anyway. What kind of idiot are > you to believe in that rot?" > > So I'm asking you a favor. Please do at least one of the > following things: > > 1. Manifest yourself to my cousin Louie in a way that > would Remove All Doubt. > > 2. Explain yourself to me in a way that will convince > him of your existence. > > 3. Simply ZOT him. But make sure he's got me in his > will, first. He's a rich bastard, you know. > > 4. Tell me what kind of an idiot I am to believe this rot. > > Thank you, > J. Random Supplicant And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You idiot! I told you this Oracle was bogus. He's nothing but some guy } at a computer, giving out advice he pulled out of his ass. } } - Louie } } PS: By the way, you're out of my will. --- 1374-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > All-knowing, ever-wise, super-great and generally smart Oracle, I > noticed that a recent supplicant asked a truly lame question. It was > nothing more than a disgusting noise. Then you, unlike everyone's > image of your proud self, declined to ZOT the miserable bastard but > instead gently replied with a carefully though out dissertation on how > to choose a good French wine. > > Now I realize there are those who would disagree, and tell us that a > German or Californian wine is superior, but we needn't address that > today. All I want to know is, what's your secret for remaining so calm > in the face of utter rudeness? And why was your answer so far off > topic? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Shut up, moron! } } ZOT! --- 1374-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey Orrie, > > With my last answer you said that I owed rec.humor.oracle.d 700 > inflammatory Usenet articles. That sounds like a bit too much work, so > I was thinking maybe I could just do 10 tellmes with the woodchuck > question, then bribe one of the priests to put them all in a digest. > That'll be at least as inflammatory in rhod, but it's far less work for > me and all the anger will go towards someone else. So what do you > reckon? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } With my powers of omniscience, I can predict the result of such a } digest. } } * Three days after the digest, someone posts to r.h.o.d } } > 1374 } > 2 3 4 1 5 2 1 2 3 3 } } * Five days after the digest, someone posts to the effect of, "What the } heck is Orrie on these days?" } } * Eight days after the digest, a cascade begins, involving drug } references and small furry animals. } } * Twelve days after the digest, everyone is bored and posting about } their scores on an obscure and slightly distasteful Flash game. } } * Twenty-six days after the digest, #1375 is published. } } So, no actual flaming goes on. In fact, it's almost as hard to start a } real flame war in r.h.o.d as it is to get them to actually discuss me } these days. } } You owe rec.humor.oracle.d 700 Usenet articles that actually relate to } its purported subject. --- 1374-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most amazing wonderful, I grovel before your sheer brilliance > and wit, whose puns not even Noel Coward on his best day could have > matched, > > What is a good question to ask you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You know, last time someone asked me this, I suggested asking about } Monty Python's Lord of the Rings. And I fobbed them off because they } *hadn't* asked that. So to make up for it, and because you groveled so } nicely, here it is. } } * * * } } Aragorn: I am the rightful King of Gondor! } Woman: Well, I didn't vote for you. } A: You don't vote for kings. } W: How'd you get to be king then? } A: I am the descendant through sixty generations, father to son, of } Elendil of Numenor. Here is Anduril, the Sword that was Broken, and } is now reforged! } Dennis: Inheriting a three-thousand-year-old bit of tin from your } great-grandad is no basis for a system of government. } A: Be quiet! } D: I mean, if I went round saying I was Lord of Moria because I owned a } rusty hatchet, they'd lock me up! } A: Shut up! } D: Ah! See the violence inherent in the system! Help! I'm being } repressed! } A: Bloody peasant! } } How to Recognize Different Ents From Quite A Long Way Away } } Number One: The Larch. } } Gimli: Is Ori here? } Orc: No. } G: Is Fror? } O: No. } G: Nali? } O: Dead. } G: Loni? } O: Gone. } G: Floi? } O: No. } G: Are there in fact any dwarves left in Moria at all? } O: No. I was deliberately wasting your time. } G: I see. In that case I'm afraid I'm going to have to cut your head } off. } O: Fair enough. } } Number One: The Larch. } } Aragorn: Now stand aside! } Lurtz: That's just a scratch. } A: I cut your arm off! } L: No you didn't! } A: What's that, then? } L: Just a flesh wound. } A: Fine. [chops Lurtz's other arm off] Victory is mine! } L: Come on! Have at you! } A: You've got no arms, you stupid orc! } L: Yes, I have! } A: Look! } L: I've had worse. } A: I don't have time for this. [cuts Lurtz's head off] } L: Oh? Call it a draw. } } Number One: The Larch. } } Gandalf: How long is it since Saruman bought you? } Wormtongue: Gee, I didn't expect a kind of Orcish Inquisition. } [The doors of the hall burst open, and three Uruk-Hai enter.] } Ugluk: NOBODY expects the Orcish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is } surprise. Surprise and fear, our two main weapons. Our two main } weapons, surprise, fear, and an almost fanatical devotion to Saruman. } THREE main weapons, surprise, fear, nice black uniforms... I'll come } in again. } } Number Four: The Bristlecone Pine. } } Bridge keeper: Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me } these questions three, ere the other side he see. } Frodo: Ask me the questions. I am not afraid. } BK: What... is your name? } FB: Frodo Baggins. } BK: What... is your quest? } FB: To destroy the One Ring! } BK: What... is your favourite colour? } FB: Blue! } BK: Right. Off you go. } Sam: That's easy! } BK: What... is your name? } SG: Samwise Gamgee. } BK: What... is your quest? } SG: To destroy the One Ring. } BK: What... is the capital of Assyria? } SG: [pause] A! } BK: Smart-arse. Go along, then. } Gollum: Ask us! } BK: What... is your name? } G: We's Smeagol! } BK: What... is your quest? } G: To get the Precious! } BK: What... have I got in my pocket? } G: [pause] We don't know that! Aiieeee! } } You owe the Oracle a picture of Rohan's army banging coconut halves } together. } } * * * } } Dear Sir, } I wish to complain in the strongest terms about the preceding answer. } It was nothing but a series of rehashed sketches with a few choice } words added. Yours, Arthur Philip Dent (Mrs), deep fine leg, Norfolk. } } Dear Sir, } I never wanted to write this oracularity anyway. I wanted to be a } LUMBERJACK! } } Colonel: Stop that! It's silly! --- 1374-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If two trains are travelling in opposite directions > Train 1 = south at 160kph or 100mph and carrying 8750kg, and > Train 2 = north at 120kph or 75mph and carrying 10240kg. > With a 80kph or 50mph sou-easterly crosswind blowing across the tracks. > Then when the two trains pass each will be caused to move slightly to > the side. As train 2 moves Stephanie is walking down the aisle toward > the front of the train and is jolted to the side and falls on to > Richard's lap. > > Will Richard: > a) Invite Stephanie to stay on his lap > b) Throw her to the ground and tell her to be more careful next time > c) Help her back to her seat > d) Marry her. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Richard is already married, so unless he suddenly converts to } a polygamous religion, he would need to get divorced before } properly marrying Stephanie. } } But his wife is not along on this trip (Isn't it convenient } how I know ALL these things--just think what I know about YOU!) } and it is actually very comfortable for Richard and Stephanie } if she simply stays on his lap. So she does. Neither of them } notices the private eye that his wife hired to follow him on } his business trips. The pictures get her a six million dollar } divorce. Stephanie, recognizing opportunity when she sees it, } gets a job with the private-eye company "accidentally" falling } into the laps of men. Richard jumps off a cliff. --- 1374-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is there really a Santa Clause? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Virginia, let's look at this from a wider perspective. } } We answered your original question over a hundred } years ago. So now we must address the question of } your own existence, seeing as to how you are now *OLD*. } } "Is there a Virginia?" } } Yes, of course there is, and she's just north of the } Carolinas. } } "Is there a West Virginia?" } } Yes, but she's married to her brother. } } "Hey, I thought West Virginia jokes were out of } season, or at least closed for Xmas." } } Ya dern tootin! } } "Is there a Sanity Clause?" } } Was, until they met your lawyer.