From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Mon Jun 20 11:48:41 2005 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/IUCS_2.65) with ESMTP id j5KGmexD008428; Mon, 20 Jun 2005 11:48:40 -0500 (EST) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/Submit) id j5KGme8J008426; Mon, 20 Jun 2005 11:48:40 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 20 Jun 2005 11:48:40 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200506201648.j5KGme8J008426@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1385 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1385 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1385 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 20 Jun 2005 11:48:28 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1385 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1380 41 votes 399g4 13jf3 1ef83 272ff 0b8f7 49n32 2bf85 35eh2 15adc 17ed6 1380 3.3 mean 3.2 3.4 3.0 3.8 3.4 2.8 3.1 3.2 3.7 3.4 --- 1385-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Bonus Oracle! Yes, I'll pay a bonus to any Oracle who can > help me earn money. This Is Your Chance To Make Big Buck$$. > > Just send me a list of all your supplicants and their e-mail > addresses. They're all losers with inadequate anatomy, so I'll > send them ads for anatomy enhancers, which they will buy in > huge amounts. I'll send you a percentage of my net profit. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sorry Sid, no deal. I agree that my supplicants are losers, but if } their -- ahem -- anatomical problems were solved they'd be out having a } life, not sitting in front of their computers asking me questions... } } ...which I sit in front of a computer and answer... } } ...instead of having a life... } } You owe the Oracle a case of your enhancement solution. Make it two to } be on the safe side. --- 1385-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Minimalism? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. --- 1385-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most wise and wonderous Oracle, I beg for your help. My local is > having a Karoake contest, and I just know I can win if only I had > lyrics to a song about Sendmail, set to some well-known music. I'll > cut you in on the prize. 1st place doesn't get booed off the stage. > > I like big malloc()'s and I cannot lie... > > no, no, that won't do at all. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Here's a rough beginning. You can polish it } up a bit. Sing to "Clementine" or to "The Marines' } Hymn" as you prefer. } } Mem'ry leaking, mem'ry leaking, } Mem'ry leaking all the time, } Using malloc(), never freeing } And the last line's just for rhyme. } } You've got automatic anti-spam, } 'Cause it crashes when you send, } And that hacker who exploits the bugs, } Is he foe or is he friend? } } If you're not happy with the result, you might instead } try singing "The Marines' Hymn" to "Clementine" or } vice-versa. It won't be about sendmail, but if there } are any jar-heads there, you'll win *something*. --- 1385-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I wish to end my meanless life. I, however, cannot seem to find anyone > willing to perform the Mauk-to Vor ritual and speed my soul to > Sto-Vo-Kor. If I kill myself, I will surely find myself among the > dishonored dead. Great and powerful Oracle, what should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Simple. Go to one of the many theaters showing the new 'Star Wars' } movie next week. Make sure to wear the same Klingon mask and outfit } that you have on now. You're guaranteed a death in glorious combat. } } You owe the Oracle a bat'leth. --- 1385-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most wise, true keeper of all knowledge of the flame: > > If matches were made in heaven, where do lighters come from? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O supplicant most deluded, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but both } matches and lighters actually evolved over millions of years. They } developed their present desirable characteristic of catching on fire } through a process known as natural selection. } } The distant ancestor of the common domesticated match is widely } believed by scientists to have been a featureless length of wood } without the incendiary tip with which we are so familiar today. These } match-primates were extremely vulnerable to predators, particularly } small furry ones, which would approach stealthily and then proceed to } chuck them. } } Over the millenia the matches developed the incendiary tip which became } their primary means of defense. When a marmot came along and mistook } the match for an ordinary length of wood, and picked it up with the } intent of chucking it, the match would combust. The unsuspecting } w**dch**ck would be incinerated in the blaze, which I am sure you will } agree is the desired outcome. } } The rumour that divine beings were somehow guiding this process of } natural selection is categorically false. I had nothing to do with } this. Honest. --- 1385-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, whose fire of knowledge burns hotter than a thousand suns, > whose very toes I am undeserving to annoint with Tinactin: > > You find yourself in a damp cave with no obvious exits. The only > light emanates from a small crack in the ceiling, far out of reach. > Stalagmites and stalactites sit ominously in the dim recesses of the > cave as you survey your surroundings, giving you an uneasy feeling. > You have: > > L) A hotel ledger book > X) A wand of XYZZY > S) A dead squirrel > $) 93 cents in pennies > > What would you like to do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > x book } } It is a tan book, with golden print on the front. Half of the print is } worn away, so all you can read is "ton". } } > read book } } Name | # | In | Out | } --------------------------------------------- } Paul Denton | 1 | 5/1/05 | | } ? | 2 | 1/9/05 |may be dead| } } > do the obvious } } You zap the wand of XYZZY at the hotel ledger book. } } You are in the 'Ton Hotel. This is a dilapidated old hotel, with bits of } slime in places one wouldn't expect. Stairs lead up. An elevator shaft } is to the west. } } Several rats attack you! } } Several rats hits for 1 point. } } > threaten rats with squirrel } } The rats know better than to mess with someone who can so easily } dispatch a rodent! } } Several rats runs away. } } > look } } You are in the 'Ton Hotel. This is a dilapidated old hotel, with bits of } slime in places one wouldn't expect. Stairs lead up. An elevator shaft } is to the west. } } > e } } You are in an elevator shaft. A rickety, rusted service ladder leads up. } There is a crate here. } } > open crate } } You got a lockpick from the crate. } } > u } } There is no exit in that direction. } } > climb ladder } } Are you sure? It looks dangerous! } } > yes } } Okay, fine then. } } You are in a hallway in the 'Ton Hotel. Room 1 is west. Room 2 is north. } } > n } } The door is locked! } } > use lockpick with room 2 } } The room 2 opens. } } > n } } You are in the most disgusting hotel room ever. In the corner, } Supplicant types away on an aging terminal. } } Supplicant is here. } } > talk to supplicant } } Supplicant seems interested in his terminal right now. } } > throw penny at supplicant } } Supplicant barely notices. } } > throw penny at supplicant } } Supplicant takes a little more interest. } } > throw penny at supplicant } } Supplicant takes a little more interest. } } > throw penny at supplicant } } Supplicant takes a little more interest. } } [ much later ] } } Supplicant looks up at you, annoyed and bleeding slightly from repeat } penny hits to the back of the heat. His pale greasy face is disturbing. } } You lose 1 sanity point. } } "What do you WANT?" } } > ask supplicant about overused ideas for supplications } } Supplicant doesn't know about that. } } > take penny } } Taken. } } > throw penny at supplicant } } You hit Supplicant square in the forehead. } } Supplicant dies. } } *** N O B O D Y W I N S *** } } You owe the Oracle the letter Q. --- 1385-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "J. Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wonderful Oracle, > > Why am I always surrounded by programmers who are not as good > as I am? Nobody seems to understand any of the posts on > thedailywtf.com, asking questions just results in blank stares, > and people seem amazed at my abilities to write code at a > speed of greater than 10 lines of a code a day. Jeez, is it > that bloody difficult to debug a bit of javascript? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh beseiged supplicant, } } No, it's not that difficult. The problem is that everyone } else in your company has switched to decaffeinated coffee, } and as a result everyone is too tired to concentrate on } anything. So they're all just wandering around in a blank } haze. } } You owe it to the Oracle - and to yourself - to secretly } replace the decaf coffee in the machine with regular coffee. } You'll be amazed at the difference it makes. --- 1385-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I took your advice, O Stupenduouous One, on how to play > FreeCell while my computer is down. (I also am having > trouble sending and receiving e-mail, but that's not > bothering me as much as not being able to play FreeCell.) > > You suggested I get some "cards" and use them. Although > the thought of actual physical labour is repulsive to me, > I went out and borrowed some cards from my weird cousin > Balph, whose nose is always in a book. Unfortunately > he was on something, and the cards weren't manifesting > correctly. There are five suits, not four, and the > numbers go up to 17. Could you please invent me a new > solitaire game that I can play using these ridiculous > cards? Like FreeCell, it should be an all-face-up game, > because the backs of the cards all have an ugly picture > on them. Sometimes it looks like Balph, sometimes like > you, and occasionally like me. > > Hurry, because I'm running in circles, and because my > computer is still busted. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First, shuffle the cards. Deal yourself a hand of 7 cards, and arrange } the remaining 78 cards face-up in the shape of a giant duck. Make sure } you form the bill properly - it's the most important part. After doing } this, you must pick up all the cards and place them in a pile. You } should start collecting them from the tip of the tailfeathers and work } your way clockwise, around and around the duck until all of the cards } are in the pile (face-up, again). The last card you picked up should } be at the top. Look in your hand and see if you have any cards with } that number. If so, put both the card in your hand and the card from } the pile into a new pile (the discard pile). If there are no cards of } that number in your hand, add the card to your hand. Repeat this until } the pile is empty. Now add up the sum of the numbers of the cards in } your hand. If this is greater than the sum of the numbers of the cards } in the discard pile, you win. If the sum of the discard pile is } greater or equal to that of your hand, you lose. } } Alternatively, go buy a real deck of cards. --- 1385-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "J. Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When the cars can Fly? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, that's when she'll go out with you. --- 1385-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ------=_Part_1657_28006929.1117843264810 > Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 > Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable > Content-Disposition: inline > > oh wise and glorius internet oracle, my legs quiver at the thought of > your= =20 > wisdom. > i have a friend who is convinced that no girls will ever like him. he > IS= > =20 > kind of a computer nerd (marching band, robot-building, etc) but he's > a=20 really nice kid. I keep telling him that the perfect girl isnt > just going t= o=20 > fall out of his ass and that he has to apply himself in order to get a > girl= .=20 > thusfar, he hasn't been successful. what other advice can i give to > my=20 love-deprived amigo? > > ------=_Part_1657_28006929.1117843264810 > Content-Type: text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1 > Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable > Content-Disposition: inline > >
oh wise and glorius internet oracle, my legs quiver at > the t= hought of your wisdom.
>
 
>
i have a friend who is convinced that no girls will ever like him. > he = IS kind of a computer nerd (marching band, robot-building, etc) > but he's a = really nice kid. I keep telling him that the perfect girl > isnt just going t= o fall out of his ass and that he has to apply > himself in order to get a gi= rl. thusfar, he hasn't been successful. > what other advice can i give to my = love-deprived amigo? >
> > ------=_Part_1657_28006929.1117843264810-- And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I see alot of this problem during my examination of the entire world's } activities: computer-types who don't understand why they can't find } love, who wonder why no-one seems to understand them. But it seems to } be difficult for them to put themselves into the place of the other } person and see their point of view. Often it helps to use an example } from literature: } } JULIET: } O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo? } Deny thy father and refuse thy name; } Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, } And I'll no longer be a Capulet. } } ROMEO [Aside.]: } > ------=_Part_1657_28006929.1117843264810 } > Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 } > Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable } > Content-Disposition: inline } } JULIET: } Eh, what was that? Oh, where was I? } Names, yes name ... } What's in a name? That which we call a rose } By any other word would smell as sweet. } So Romeo would, were he not Romeo called, } Retain that dear perfection which he owes } Without that title. Romeo, doff thy name; } And for thy name, which is no part of thee, } Take all myself. } } ROMEO: } > I take thee at thy word.=20 } > Call me but love, and I\222ll be new=20 } > baptized; } > Henceforth I never will be Romeo.=20 } > ------=_Part_1657_28006929.1117843264810-- } } JULIET: } What man art thou, that, thus bescreened in quoted printables, } So stumblest on my counsel? } } ROMEO: } > Content-Type: text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1 } > Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable } > Content-Disposition: inline } >
  By a name
} >
I know not how to tell thee who I am.= } >
} } JULIET: } Look, I'm going back inside mister. If you don't leave, } I'll tell dad to send the dog out. } } ROMEO: } >
It\222s me Romeo,=20 } > Aw, not again
} } It's simple really, good English does not need markups. } And chicks dig good English.