From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Wed Aug 3 17:25:46 2005 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/IUCS_2.66) with ESMTP id j73MPjJI012968; Wed, 3 Aug 2005 17:25:45 -0500 (EST) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/Submit) id j73MPjgx012966; Wed, 3 Aug 2005 17:25:45 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 3 Aug 2005 17:25:45 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200508032225.j73MPjgx012966@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1388 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1388 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1388 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 03 Aug 2005 17:25:33 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1388 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1383 37 votes 1aad3 37fb1 17ad6 69f43 06g69 1b9b5 27da5 34dd4 269d7 15ea7 1383 3.2 mean 3.2 3.0 3.4 2.7 3.5 3.2 3.2 3.3 3.5 3.5 --- 1388-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle, scourge of ignorance, I implore you, > > Some years ago I came across a faded map. It appears to be a treasure > map, suspiciously slow. It had big pretty red Xs, pictures of sea > dragons and boats, and had a big, carefully drawn dotted line. The > beautifully writtten (with solid calligraphy!) riddle instructions to > the treasure really made me suspicious. Surely no real pirates would > have had the time, the materials, and the art skills to draw such an > impressive treasure map. However, recently I have begun to wonder > anew, what if it's real? So, great Oracle, I beg of you to solve > their piratical riddle so that I can claim the treasure: > > Yar, if ye be seeking a treasure most great, > Of ducats, ingots, gold, silver, and gemstones of weight, > Seek ye a cross of aurulent lyght, > a preacher to scorn it, and a simian to fyght, > Fry him in batter and oils most fine, > Then fivescore paces Eastwards, ya dang scurvy swine. > > Find a communicator, awesome and great, > Known for its bees and hatred of sharing, > Spin it threefold times and proceed post haste, > 500 steps forwards, 200 steps waste. > > Now dig, mortal, dig, if the treasure you dare, > But do be sure to attention you care. > Hades's hound, Cerberus, waits for you there, > With a bit of a bite and a penchant for were. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } >list } } The bag merchant eyes your meager purse with a look of } disappointment. "Here's what I've got:" } } Price Item } 5 g........A wool sack } 6 g........A paper grocery bag } 8 g........A sturdy, burlap sack } 26 g.......A paper bag of holding } } >x wool sack } } It has many holes from moths. It appears to have been made from an old } coat. } } >x paper bag } } These magical grocery bags are often used by the wealthy shoppers of } the town to make large amounts of groceries easier to carry. It is } in pristine condition. } } >i } } In your inventory, you have: } } A treasure map } A copper key } A stone key } The head of a Grue (7) } A lantern (2) } The Vorpal Blade of the Githyanki } 46 gold pieces } } >buy paper bag } } The merchant's eyes light up. He takes your money, shoving it directly } into his pocket, and hands you a paper bag of holding. } "Make good of yer purchase, lad!" } } >n } } You almost get lost in the crowd, but you find yourself in a } bustling open-air market. The sweet smell of cotton candy fills your } nose, reminiscent of a carnival. There are people everywhere, and } more fruit vendors than anything else. A few blue umbrellas denote } bag merchants, an integral part of the town's economy. } } North: A bustling open-air market } East: A bustling open-air market } West: A fruit vendor } South: A bag merchant } } >n } } You almost get lost in the crowd, but you find yourself in a } bustling open-air market. The sweet smell of cotton candy fills your } nose, reminiscent of a carnival. There are people everywhere, and } more fruit vendors than anything else. A few blue umbrellas denote } bag merchants, an integral part of the town's economy. } } North: A bustling open-air market } East: A fruit vendor } West: A path to the Cathedral } South: A bustling open-air market } } >w } } You walk down a smooth, stone path with inlaid marble crosses that } leads through a series of marble statues, most of previous religious } leaders of the area. There is a fountain in the centre of the path that } bubbles out hot cocoa; its sweet smell fills the air with chocolatey } goodness! } } East: A bustling open-air market } West: The Cathedral steps } } >x cross } } The cross is made of marble, and is quite firmly in the ground. It does } not have an aurulent lyght. } } >drink cocoa } } You bend over and fill your belly with delicious hot cocoa. It has } miniature marshmallows in it! Delightful. } You are no longer thirsty. } You are no longer hungry. } } >w } } The spires of the Cathedral tower above you as you mount the wide, } marble stairs that lead to it. The familiar bubbling sound of a cocoa } fountain floats from the east. There are several crates in the } corner; you recognise them as the daily fan mail for the clergy. } } North: The main town square } West: A Foyer in the Cathedral } East: A path to the Cathedral } South: The main town square } } >x crates } } They are sturdy, wooden crates with various postage stickers. One of } the crates has an aurulent glow! } You can tell no more, because the crates are not open. } } >open crate } } The lid is on tight. } } >take crate } } I think the priests would notice. } } >eat crate } } I don't think the crate would agree with you. } } >kick crate } } KaPOW! You kick the crate, and fan mail flies everywhere. } Oops! } } >x mail } } It's just normal fan mail for the religious figures, only it's } scattered all over. I wonder who did that! } Most of them seem to be addressed to someone named Lisa. } One of the envelopes has an aurulent glow. } } >open glow } } You open the glowing envelope. } } >x glow } } You find a cross of aurulent lyght! } } >take cross } } Taken. } } >scorn cross } } You need to be holding it first! } } >hold cross } } You grab a cross of aurulent lyght from your inventory. } } >scorn cross } } You try your hardest to scorn a cross of aurulent lyght, but it seems } your efforts are in vain. } You will likely need a preacher to scorn it. Perhaps you could find one } in the Cathedral. } } >You owe the Oracle the rest of this adventure. } } I don't understand that. } } >_ --- 1388-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great unseen oracle, I have many talents and skills but have not > lived up to my potential and do not see that I have benefited mankind > with my life. How can I find my true path and do what I came here to do > in this life? > > earnest student And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Earnest, } } Fear not, all you need to do is take this handy little } Five Question Quiz. Then you'll know what job is right } for you. Yes, job. Path-smath, work dude, that's all } there is. Enjoy. } } 1) Which of these motivates you the most? } a) Money! } b) Fear } c) Sex } d) Fear of Sex } } 2) Which of these work environments most appeals to you? } a) Pedal to the Metal competition with deadlines and } heavy stress } b) Physical Danger followed by the thrill of victory } c) Someone else does the thinking, I just lie there, and } well, maybe squirm every now and then knowingly } d) I prefer to work alone } } 3) What's your favorite part of the newspaper? } a) Business section, checking stock prices } b) Sports } c) Entertainment, Comics } d) People still read newspapers?! } } 4) Which of these people do you admire most? } a) Bill Gates } b) Tim Duncan } c) Jennifer Aniston } d) Steve Polge } } 5) How do you spend your free time? } a) Free time? } b) Shooting hoops, scuba diving, karate } c) Consumption, be it food, drugs or consumer goods } d) Online } } ==================================== } Scoring } ==================================== } } Which letter did you select the most often, a,b,c, or d? } } If you did not select any one letter a minimum of three } times then your best job choice is: Common Laborer } } If you are confused by the scoring directions the } best job choice for you is: Middle Management } } If you had three or more 'a' answers the best job } choice for you is: Confidence Man } } If you had three or more 'b' answers the best job } choice for you is: Museum Curator } } If you had three or more 'c' answers the best job } choice for you is: Housewife } } If you had three or more 'd' answers the best job } choice for you is: Keep the job you already have, } a mind-numbing cog in front of a keyboard all day. } You're trapped dude. Deal. } } ================================ } } You owe the Oracle an ounce of mono-atomic gold. --- 1388-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You know about the Minesweeper game that comes with Windows. > Maybe you even like to play it, which I assume you do with > your Omniscience turned off, at least a bit, so you're not > cheating. > > Well, I went to play it yesterday, after my brother had been > fooling around with my computer. I didn't notice until it > was too late that he'd replaced it with MINDSWEEPER! For a > whole day my mind was blank, and I only got it together again > this morning. > > What's the right thing to do to my brother to get back at > him? Short-sheeting his bed isn't enough, not for this. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Swap his Solitaire for a copy of Souladare and stand back } and watch what happens when the Devil really wins a game. } } You owe the Oracle a "Stigmata" DVD. --- 1388-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Wonderfully Wonderful Oracle, you know damned > near everything (being that you are specially > Omniscient and all that stuff) so you'll have > no problem with my question. > > What is this "je ne sais quoi" thing? Why doesn't > anyone I ask want to admit either (1) what it is, > which has got to be such a letdown, or (2) they don't > know, which is probably worse. > > Oh, I forgot I did get an answer from my cousin > Edgar, who says it's "Jeannie says Quoits." He > claims the French are rotten spellers. Edgar is > usually talking through his hat. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Edgar is wrong once again. This "je ne sais quoi" is actually the } result of an Englishman's being rotten at French and oenology. } } To understand the origin of the phrase "je ne sais quoi", we have } to go back to 14th-century Aquitaine, or to be more precise, to the } village of Saint-Maximilien-sur-Mer in the month of October, 1357. } At that time, the Hundred Years' War was well underway, and the region } of Aquitaine was controlled by the English. } } Walter William Lord Brimborough was an English nobleman who had } served in France, and had settled in Aquitaine. He had bought a } nice manor in Saint-Maximilien-sur-Mer, and was fervently trying to } blend in with the locals. He learned French and tried to adapt to the } French culture. The reason for this was that he fancied a young girl } from the village, Anne. She was a gorgeous brunette with beautiful } almond-shaped eyes, a full, luscious mouth, and a perfect figure. } Anne's father was Louis-Antoine, baron des Flandelles du Sarn, an } influential man, who attached great value to the French way of life. } } Walter William's only hope of ever conquering Anne was to get on good } terms with the baron. To that end, he went so far as to eat snails, } drink wine and play petanque, although he much preferred fish 'n' } chips, stout and a good game of rugby. Truth be told, it took him a } while to learn that he should throw his petanque balls from behind } the line, and not take them under his arm and run across the field. } Likewise, he had great trouble telling a good wine from a bad one. } As no expense was too much for Lord Brimborough if he could increase } his chances of winning Anne's hand, he took the old viticulturist } next door, Jehan Petit, as his personal teacher of oenology. } } One evening, Walter William and Jehan were sitting at the wooden } table in the dining room of the manor, tasting bottle after bottle of } Beaujolais. According to the English Lord, all this fermented grape } juice, whether it was called Chateau Lafite-Rothschild, Bourgogne } Passetoutgrains or Vin de Table, was way inferior to the noble brews } from his home country. But when Jehan asked him what he thought of } this particular Beaujolais, a Chiroubles 1357, Walter William didn't } want to make a fool of himself, and said: "Well, err, I don't know. } It is... well... it has a certain..." Seeing that Walter William } really didn't have a clue, Jehan interrupted him: "Jeune. Sec. Ouah!" } And indeed, it was a very dry wine, much to young for drinking, and } generally despicable. Walter William Lord Brimborough made a mental } note of Jehan's opinion on this wine, just like he had memorised } the man's remarks about all the other wines they had tasted so far. } Chiroubles 1357: jeune-sec-ouah. } } One week later, Lord Brimborough plucked up the courage to ask } Louis-Antoine des Flandelles du Sarn for his daughter's hand. } He was kindly invited for diner at the baron's mansion to discuss } matters further. When William arrived, he was brought to the dining } table, which was laden with the finest foods: cervelles de veau, } escargots frais au vinaigre, tender steaks, salads, and much more. } All these delicacies were accompanied by a selection of wines. } What Walter William didn't know, was that the baron intended to put } him to the test. One wrong remark on the steak being too tender, one } faux pas as to the quality of a wine, and Walter William's prospects } would be shattered. Fortunately, before going to the diner, Lord } Brimborough had mentally reviewed all of Jehan Petit's remarks on } the various wines they had tasted together. } } All went well, the food was superb, the wine flowed abundantly, and } because of Walter William's knowledgeable comments on all the wines, } the two gentlemen got along rather well. There were a few awkward } moments when Lord Brimborough poured too much gravy over his steak, } but Louis-Antoine was inclined to give the Englishman the benefit } of doubt. He decided to play his decisive trick. He had a bottle } of Chiroubles 1357 opened and asked his prospective son-in-law what } he thought about it. Just like he had done all night, Walter William } reproduced Jehan Petit's opinion on the wine. "Well," he said, stroking } his chin, "it has a certain... je ne sais quoi." The baron burst out } laughing, kissed him on the cheek, and said: "Merveilleux, mon ami! } Quel diplomate! Trop fort!" Lord Brimborough didn't quite comprehend } this compliment, but smiled politely. } } That evening, Louis-Antoine said to his daughter: "Anne, I am going } to marry you to one of the most courteous and civilised men of } all of Aquitaine. Even when I had him taste the most confoundedly } abysmal wines of the season, he never lost his benign countenance, } and found a way to express his doubt about that wine in such a way as } not to insult his host. He is the perfect son-in-law, and you shall } be married forthwith." } } And so it came to pass that Walter William Lord Brimborough was } united in holy matrimony with the beautiful Anne, daughter of the } baron des Flandelles du Sarn. As soon as the ceremony was over, he } started preparations for his return to England. By the beginning of } November, Lord and Lady Brimborough had taken up residence in Sussex, } near the town of Whittleston. Lord Brimborough could once again } indulge in real foods, real drinks and real sports. But there was } one bit of French culture, or rather French idiom, that he did not } abandon, because it had been so successful. Whenever his judgment } was asked on an important matter, he would stroke his chin and say: } "It has a certain... je ne sais quoi." } } You owe the Oracle a cask of Chiroubles 1357. By now, it should have } ripened perfectly. --- 1388-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Omiscient Oracle, who manages to avoid tricky situations rather than > getting out of them, could you please help me on a really urgent and > most important matter? > > In about 15 minutes, my girlfriend will arrive here at my place. > I had promised to cook her a fancy dinner, but I've been reading > Oracularities digests all afternoon and forgot all about diner. > Now it's too late to run to the supermarket, and I'll have to make > do with what's left over in my kitchen: > > - 3 slices of bread (wholemeal) > - some peanut butter > - a can of kidney beans > - a carton of orange juice > - 5 potatoes, 2 of which have funny purple tentacles protruding from > them > - a tin of SPAM > - several bottles of beer > - a bag of crisps (cheese & onion) > > Having a pizza delivered is out of the question. Can you please > give me a recipe for a nice, romantic diner to be prepared within > 15 minutes? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } How could you forget about Diner? That was a great show. } } But never mind that, now. First, make sure that the beer is chilled. } If this dinner turns out to be a disaster, you're going to need it. } } Slice the bread into small triangles and put a dollop of peanut butter } on each. Open the can of kidney beans and place two beans in the } center of each triangle. Tell her that they're some kind of fancy } French hors d'oeuvres. Don't worry about the taste. The French don't. } It's all about presentation. } } Slice the three good potatoes into thin circles. Cube the Spam. } Mix with the rest of the kidney beans and arrange in a microwave-safe } casserole. Crush the crisps over the top. Microwave on HIGH until } potatoes are tender, or until it starts to smell bad, or smoke, or } give any other indication that the evening is beyond hope, which it } almost certainly is. } } Garnish with the purple tentacles. I can't believe I just told you } to do that. } } For drinks: Go to the kitchen, blow up a paper bag, and make it POP } really loud. Then mix orange juice and beer. With a bit of luck, } she'll think it's a mimosa. } } Good luck, but don't get your hopes up. You are, after all, still } wearing the clothes that you slept in. } } You owe the Oracle a nice din-- Uh, never mind. This one's on me. --- 1388-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Eh? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh! } } Day light come and me no want to go home! } } [ The stage lights up and there is Orrie, Lisa } and Zadoc all FUNKY as can be in neo-reggae } gear as they go RETRO and rock the bar!!! ] } } Come Mr. Queue-man writing me a question } (Day light come and me no want to go home) } Write a snappy Answer all up nice for yah } (Day light come and me no want to go home) } With six line, seven line, eight line reply Wow! } (Day light come and me no want to go home) } } [ Crowd goes wild, well, they clink their drinks } about and order another round -- which is the } whole idea anyway. ] } } You owe the Oracle a little paper umbrella. --- 1388-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "J. Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle most mesmerizing and trustworthy, incline your ear > to my lowly need for an answer if you would please. I thank you > in advance. > > Should MacBeth have opened a fast food chain? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, but Titus Andronicus should have. --- 1388-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Yangzi Google Brandy And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } So this bad ass Japanese gangster, his skin blue with evil } looking tattoos goes into a bar with his nerdy blond } girlfriend. She plops her laptop down on the bar and starts } searching the `Net for an image of a man eating macaroni. } She finds it! Then filled with glee, she lets out a shout } and sticks a feather in her boyfriend's hat. What do they } order to drink? } } Dang, Jeopardy gets weirder every day. } } You owe the Oracle a tattoo for his elbow. --- 1388-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do people write "email" instead of "e-mail"? The former > spelling is at great risk of being confused with the French > word for enamel. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Tell me about it! I went to the dentist and he told } me that I should brush more often or else risk } everyone knowing about the MIME stuff on my teeth!!! } Then I realized he had confused email and enamel, we } both laughed about it for awhile and then I beat him } senseless and got another doctor. } } You owe the Oracle a Formica counter top. --- 1388-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, you collect the answers that are blowin' in the > wind while we are just flapping in the breeze. > > I've been seeing this lawyer, 'cos of a dispute with our > neighbour about a fence he's putting up. This stupid > fence thing is really pissing me off, and I'm fed up with > the whole thing and just at the end of my rope, especially > with the money this suit is gonna cost me. So I'm sitting > in this office while this college boy rattles on, costing > me a hundred bucks an hour or something, when he calls me > a fatso. I says "what, what you just say?", and he calls > me it again - "Hipso fatso" - looking at me like I'm stupid. > So I aint gonna put up with that, and I slug him. And HE > has the nerve to press charges against ME! > > So now I need a new lawyer, you know a good one? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your lawyer was speaking Latin. It's something } they do to impress people. It's just a lawyer thing, } and they can't really help it. } } You should learn some Latin. Go to Southern California } or Southern Florids, or maybe North Carolina. There } are lots of Latin Folks in those places. "Latinos" } they call themselves. Their brand of Latin isn't } quite the same as your lawyer's, but it'll help you } understand his insults better. Ask the Latinos what } "ipso facto" means: "Como se dice ipso facto en ingles?" } } Oh, and when you say that, you've gotta put an inverted } question mark at the beginning of your sentence. } } After a while you'll sort of get the hang of it, and be } speaking Latin better than Dan Quayle. } } You owe your lawyer an apology and the Oracle some } Cuban cigars.