From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Mon Oct 23 11:04:41 2006 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.6/8.13.6/IUCS_2.79) with ESMTP id k9NF4efJ006800; Mon, 23 Oct 2006 11:04:40 -0400 (EDT) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.6/8.13.6/Submit) id k9NF4eqA006798; Mon, 23 Oct 2006 11:04:40 -0400 (EDT) Date: Mon, 23 Oct 2006 11:04:40 -0400 (EDT) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200610231504.k9NF4eqA006798@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1412 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1412 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1412 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 23 Oct 2006 11:04:28 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1412 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1407 39 votes 2a9b7 47cc4 18da7 18ch1 4dg42 1bj62 28f86 45bc7 21ccc 1bj80 1407 3.2 mean 3.3 3.1 3.4 3.2 2.7 2.9 3.2 3.3 3.8 2.9 --- 1412-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Backwards questions ask to wise it is? > > Oracle beloved and great Oh, And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Last person to ask that got my ass up their foot. --- 1412-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Orrie, why do movie advertisements consistently re-use the same music? > > For example there's the Pearl Harbor-style dah > dah dah > dah da > > DUH > > the Mummy-style DAHDAHDAH! DAHDAHDAH! DAHDAHDAH! > > Dauuuuummmmm > > NAH > > NAH nah > nah > nah nah > the Cast-Away/Waterworld-style nah n > Nuh nuh > > the Romantic Comedy chick music > > and finally the Titanic2-style ahh, dah dah da ahhhh > (the ahh song) > > Oh, and if it's any kind of action movie whatsoever you can absolutely > guarantee that it will do this: > > ___---| > ___--- | > ___--- | > ___--- | > ___--- | > ___--- | > ___--- | > _______--- |_______ > ____________________________________________________________ > > ENERGY LEVEL And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Advertisements, by their very definition, are meant to sell something. } } There are only 6 types of advertising: } } 1. Fact-based. The advertiser states, simply and clearly, the reasons } to use their product. } Fictional example: } Are you planning an extended trip to regions which might not } have accessible or affordable food? Are you worried about } starvation? Better bring Food-Pak with you. Food-Pak crams a } full day of nutrition into three four-ounce pills. It won't } satisfy your hunger, but 90 Food-Pak pills will keep you from } starving to death for a full month -- and they're small enough } to keep in your pocket. Available at all major drug stores. } This type of advertising is extremely rare in the United States, } primarily because most products sold are commodities -- meaning } that you can get it from a variety of sources. So advertisers } aren't trying to sell you on using the product in general, but on } using their specific brand of product. } Obviously, movies are commodities -- almost every movie is } considered entertaining by somebody, so the movie industry has to } convince you that their movie will be MORE entertaining (at least } to some people). Facts about the usefulness of movies in general } won't help. } } 2. New-or-improved. (Sometimes deliberately mislabeled "new and } improved" -- but if something has really been "improved", there } has to be a previous version that was inferior, so "new and } improved" is just silly.) The advertiser either tells you about a } new product which you might not be aware of, or touts some new } feature of a product that the old version did not have. (Note: the } new feature does not necessarily have to make sense.) } Fictional example: } Buzzo Gum is the only gum with Hopskipjump! Hopskipjump makes } your breath so fresh, that the ladies will swoon! Be sure to get } some Buzzo Gum today, at your... } HOLD THE PHONE! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, SORRY TO INTERRUPT THIS } COMMERCIAL -- BUT NOW YOU CAN GET NEW BUZZO GUM! That's right! } Now, New Buzzo Gum has 15% more Hopskipjump! Now the ladies will } just faint into your arms, and beg you to take them home with } you! Scientists are amazed! Now back to your regular commercial } message. } ...So now get NEW Buzzo Gum at your local supermarket! Yay! } (By the way, Hopskipjump isn't some rare ingredient... It's the } name that Buzzo Gum has copyrighted for "sugar.") } This type of advertising is extremely common for many types of } products in the United States, because... if you don't pay } attention... it looks almost as if it's giving you useful facts } about the product, but in fact it doesn't have to actually say } anything at all. } Technically, almost all movie advertising falls into this } category... They're all new, in the sense that you haven't seen } this exact movie before. However, there are only a few types of } stories: action/adventure, love, comedy... Every story (whether } it is in the form of a book, movie, or whatever) is going to have } some gross similarities to some other story. So the fact that a } movie is new doesn't necessarily make it attractive. The advertiser } has to show you something from the movie that's going to appeal to } you. } } 3. Head-to-head comparisons. The advertiser compares his product to } one or two specific competitor's products (either by name, or by } generalities such as "the other leading brand"). The advertiser } explains why you should prefer his product (either by stating or } implying some ways in which his product has better quality, or by } stating or implying that his product has a lower price). } Fictional example: } We covered these two shirts with mud, grease, and chocolate. } Then we washed one of the shirts in Fluffo Detergent, and the } other one in the leading brand. Can you tell the difference? } ...Neither can we. But Fluffo is 38 cents cheaper than the } competitor. } Why pay more? Use Fluffo Detergent. } This technique is extremely common for many types of products in } the United States. But once again, it has no relevance in movies. } } 4. Sour grapes. The advertiser explains how another product is } inferior... and then suggests themselves as an alternative. This is } similar to head-to-head advertising except that the advertiser } doesn't bother explaining the advantages of his own brand. (And } once again, the reason that the other brand is inferior, doesn't } have to make sense.) } Fictional example: } Man 1: (Disgusted) You going to eat that salsa? } Man 2: Sure, why not? } Man 1: Don't you realize that it was made in New York City? } Man 2: (Disgusted) New York City? What do they know about salsa? } Man 1: That's right! We never eat that stuff here! } Man 2: Well, then, what DO you eat? } Man 1: We only eat Smack-o Salsa here! } Man 2: What was that name? } Man 1: (Reverently) Smack-o Salsa! } Man 2: Thanks! I'll give it a try! } (Smack-o Salsa is, in fact, virtually identical to the one they } were looking at... But Smack-o salsa is made in Texas, so in most } parts of the country it takes six days on a truck before it gets } to the supermarket.) } Again, this requires comparing your product to another product... } Hardly a viable choice for movies. } } 5. Sex. The advertiser shows sexy images, sometimes trying to imply } (against all logic) that if you buy the product, you too will be } sexy. } Fictional example: } (Loud rock music is playing -- no words. Fade in on six women } sitting side-by-side on a couch, wearing skirts so short that } we can see the panties of two of the girls. A short, partly- } bald man dressed in jeans and a ripped tee-shirt is sitting on } a chair facing the women. The women are all staring at him, } with looks of utter fascination.) } (The first woman stands up, unbuttons her blouse, revealing } a pale blue bra, and throws the blouse to the ground, still } staring at the man.) } (Meanwhile, the second woman stands up, rips her blouse off } without bothering to unbutton it first, and then starts to } unzip her skirt.) } (While this goes on, the third woman pulls her skirt up, giving } us an even better view of her panties.) } (The fourth woman has taken the opposite approach... she has } reached under her skirt and pulled down her panties, } revealing exactly as much leg as the censors will allow.) } (The fifth woman has already stripped to her bra and panties, } and is now squeezing something between her legs, while } briefly peeking at the first two women, who are still } continuing to undress.) } (We pan around behind the women, and just in time, too... the } sixth woman is completely naked, but we see only the back of her } shoulders and perhaps the top of her ass.) } (From this angle, we can see that the man has a huge smirk } on his face... and he is holding up a package of Sparkle Gum, } which -- we now realize -- is the reason that all of the } women want to be naked for him.) } (The words appear in the middle of the screen: } "Sparkle Gum - make your mouth feel clean!") } This is perhaps the most over-used advertising technique in the } United States, albeit not usually quite this blatantly. Sex has } been used to sell cars, music CD's, toothpaste, even dog food. } This technique CAN in fact be used for movies... but only for } certain types of movies, which we won't discuss further... } } 6. Emotions. The advertiser uses a variety of techniques (imagery, } poetry, appeals to patriotism -- but especially music) to make } you have emotional FEELINGS about his product... Which aren't } necessarily related to any facts at all. } Fictional example: } (Fade in on a playground. A little boy is in the swing set, } while his mother stands nearby. Sentimental music is playing } softly in the background.) } Boy: Mommy, when will grandma get here? } Mother: Her flight leaves tonight... } Boy: So we'll see her in the morning? } Mother: Exciting, isn't it? } (The music suddenly changes to exciting "wheep-wheep", as } a car pulls into the parking lot. Dad jumps out of the car.) } Dad: (Frantic) Rita! Jon! Come here! } Mother: (Running up to dad) What's wrong, Randy? } Dad: There's been a tragic accident! } Boy: Oh no! What happened, dad? } Dad: (Tearfully) It's Grandma! She... She... } Mother: (Starting to panic) What? What? } Dad: She choked on her dentures! } (The music suddenly stops and the picture freezes. The doctor } steps in front of the frozen picture and faces the camera.) } Doctor: Hello. I'm not a doctor, but I play one in denture } commercials. Since 1982, there have been nearly 500 deaths } due to tragic denture deaths. That's more than 20 deaths } of our loved ones every year. And the worst part is, every } one of these deaths could have been prevented... Just by } making sure that our loved ones have quality dentures. Join } me, and the American Quality Denture Institute, by asking } your loved ones to go to a dentist -- and when the get there, } make sure that they ask for Choppo Dentures. } Announcer: Choppo Dentures are inspected to make sure that they } conform to the American Quality Denture Institute's 20 points } of quality. } Doctor: That's why I only use Choppo Dentures for my patients. } Announcer: Choppo Dentures. Aren't your loved ones worth it? } (The advertisement doesn't mention that the American Quality } Denture Institute has only two members, and they're both on the } board of directors of the company that sells Choppo Dentures.) } Music is one of the major ingredients of this type of } advertisement... And, as you can see, this is one of the few types } of advertising that movies can actually use. } In order to make sure that an emotional advertisement sends the } right emotions, advertisers rely on certain melodies that have } been proven (in audience surveys) to give those emotions. } } So, we see that most movie ads can really only use emotional } advertising, and emotional advertising relies on specific melodies to } strike specific emotional chords (no pun intended)... That's why so } many movie ads use the same music over and over. } } [AllanW] } } You owe the Oracle a 4000-word essay on why products for "female } problems" always seem to appear during supper. --- 1412-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > how can i lose a lot of weight fast? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There are many different ways. Each has its pros and its cons. For } example: } } Amputation } Pros: extremely fast; weight will not be regained } Cons: painful; rarely improves appearance or health; may impair } mobility or other abilities } } Starvation } Pros: less permanent than amputation; saves grocery money } Cons: less permanent than amputation; causes extreme hunger; fatal if } prolonged } } Gastric bypass } Pros: effective long-term; only moderate health hazards; curbs appetite } Cons: expensive; may require removal of excess skin after weight loss; } requires care to maintain adequate nutrition } } Childbirth } Pros: nearly as fast as amputation; may be rewarding in the long term } Cons: only possible if pregnant; weight loss may be temporary, but } responsibilities tend to last for many years } } Relocation to ISS, moon, or other low-gravity locale } Pros: will be envy of space-travel enthusiasts everywhere; never } suffer sore feet again } Cons: no change in mass, only weight; prohibitively expensive; risk of } messy death in several flavours; may impact social life } } You get the picture. There are many other options, but all in all, } you're probably better off losing weight slowly. } } You owe the Oracle a case of senna tea, or a case of sanity--your } choice. --- 1412-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And then Stinkoman shouted "DOUBLE DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCE!" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, that was a classic game. I've rarely seen such an interesting game } of Diamonds. } } For those who missed it, let's recap: } } It was March 18, 1992, at the Las Vegas Convention Center. It was } round 23 out of 41. The players at table 17 were: } North - Dabster } East - Stinkoman } South - Kinzler } West - Hemming } } North dealt the first hand. } North - (D)A57JQ (S)A47J (H)246T } East - (D)8 (S)236T (H)A57K (C)A6TJ } South - (D)2369TK (S)K (H)3J (C)289K } West - (D)4 (S)589Q (H)89Q (C)3457Q } East led the first trick with the Ace of Clubs. South countered with } the 3 of Diamonds, taking the first trick. } } For the second trick, South started with the 3 of Hearts, and West } trumped with the 4 of Diamonds, but North re-trumped with the Ace of } Diamonds, taking the second trick. "Double Trump!" } } Next, North led with the 2 of Hearts. East countered with the 2 of } Spades. "DOUBLE DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCE!" But then South played the 2 } of Diamonds! "TRIPLE DEUCE TRUMP!" and wagged his butt in East's face. } West tried to play the 4 of Diamonds, but then he realized he had } already played it (in the second trick), so he cried "BLARNEY!" and } took a sip of whiskey, losing the trick. } } South led the fourth trick with the King of Diamonds. But West pulled } a rabbit out of his hat and shouted "BUNNY!!!" -- the whiskey was } apparently getting to him. "Anyone want to play Gin?" he asked. North } responded by raising $500, but everyone thought he was bluffing. White } castled, which allowed his rook to attack Black's queen, so the score } was ten-love. East and West had to take off a piece of clothing. East } took off his shoes (under Las Vegas rules, both shoes together count } as one "piece of clothing"). West took off his slacks, but it was } revealed that he was wearing short pants underneath. South objected, } but the judge ruled that since North was wearing THREE pairs of pants, } the play was valid. } } Now North served a line hit, just inside the line. East swung and } connected, but it was a foul ball... 3 and 2. South tried to steal } third, but the pitcher caught it out of the corner of his eye and went } all-in. South doubled, which was accepted, and then rolled double-6's, } which allowed him to move 4 pieces to his home board. } } This is where it got interesting... for some strange reason, there was } a power failure, and the main lighting went out. It only took two } seconds for the emergency lights to come on... nobody is sure how it } happened, and the video tape system (which has it's own independent } power system) didn't see anything unusual, but it was immediately } apparent to most of the audience that the cards had been changed. For } one thing, the back of the cards was completely different... the old } deck had "Las Vegas Convention Center" written on it, but the new deck } had a pair of baby ducks. But even more strange, the new deck was a } Pinochle deck! All four players swore that they hadn't let go of their } cards, and as far as they knew, these were the same cards they had } originally, so play continued. } } West won the fourth trick by playing the Ace of Diamonds. "DOUBLE } TRUMP!" } } West led the fifth trick by playing the Ace of Diamonds. North } countered with the Ace of Diamonds. "DOUBLE ACE TRUMP!" East cleverly } topped this with the Ace of Diamonds. "TRIPLE ACE TRUMP!" But then } South topped even this by playing the Ace of Diamonds! "QUADRUPLE ACE } TRUMP!" To date, this is the only Quadruple Ace Trump in 42 years of } sanctioned Diamond tournament play; it was previously thought to be } impossible. As punishment, East and West had to eat bugs, and North } and South had to sing a humiliating duet in public. They selected } "I'm a little teapot" karaoke, and everyone agreed that they did a } marvelous job... } } [AllanW] } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Hoyle's book of rules... my copy seems to } be damaged. --- 1412-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Should eric get a new job? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, supplicant, let's compare current and projected pros and cons of } each and base our decision on that. } } Current Job New Job } } Carrying groceries is good exercise. Herding sheep not too physically } demanding. } Meeting people. Talking to fuzzy quadrapeds. } $7.50 an hour, plus occasional tips. Sheep are lousy tippers. } Occasional unpleasant customer. Constant smell of lanolin. } Reading comics for free when it's Strange urge to write poetry about } quiet. nature. } Flirting with cashiers. Romance possible but highly } discouraged. } Getting hit by a car. Stepping in sheep poo. } Lowest status job in the store. Highest status position in the } flock. } Loading groceries in the rain. Sitting in the rain all day with } wet sheep. } Dropping a sack of groceries. Sheep carried off by predator. } No smoking on the job. Bring a bong, who's gonna know? } } To summarize, the odds tilt slightly in favor of Eric staying in his } current profession. Who knows, maybe he'll get promoted to cashier } himself some day. } } You owe the Oracle some wool socks. They're over on aisle three. --- 1412-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "J. Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Priesthood of the Internet Oracle, > > ***** Deluxe religious costumes ***** > *** Stoles, Tunicles, Buskins and much more *** > * classic black/white or trendy orange/blue * > ***** You name it, You'll wear it! ***** > > Save up to 15% on our Deluxe Priest and Pope costumes. > Click here to go to our online shop!! > Buy 3, get a Moses costume for free. > > Return Policy. > You may return any unworn costume for a full refund up to 30 days after > you receive your order. > Items that have been worn, tried or stained on may not be returned at > any time due to the nature of the product. > For full return policy or more information, please visit our help > section. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Zadoc blinked, then failed miserably at suppressing a grin. All those } years of wearing that ridiculous lederhosen were over! Finally, } something more befitting a loyal servant of the Oracle! } } He clicked the link, selected a nice but not too over-the-top blue } robe with a garish selection of Day-Glo colored stoles ("Because I } can!" he thought), and was just about to proceed to checkout when... } } >>>>> OracleOS System Message: } >>>>> Internal error at sector 0x05F43AC12BB101E754FD375A. } >>>>> Cannot recover; fatal. } >>>>> System will self-ZOT in 15 seconds. } } "Aw, crap." --- 1412-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Okay Orrie, I've got some questions about the uber-cool process of > defragmentation: > > 1. Why are all unmovable files within two small areas that look like > Sodium D lines? > > 2. Why do I have unmovable files in the first place? I've got lots of > space on disk and if they're so important why can't they just copy, > move and delete just like all the other ones? > > I can defragment my D Drive and without the stuff on D Drive the > machine won't even start, nothing on hard drive could be *that* > important. > > 3. Why will it never go back to a solid blue block like D Drive did? > What's wrong? > > Thank you. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is a simple principle, known as Zymurgy's First Law of Evolving } Systems Dynamics: Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan } them is to use a larger can. } } To your specific questions: } } 1. On the base of every hard drive is etched with a diamond bit: "Any } similarity of block usage on this device to spectrographs is } completely coincidental." } } 2. Were it the purpose of your operating system to be easy to use and } sensible, these things would be possible. Since the purpose of this } operating system is to sell more products, they are not. This is an } even simpler principle than that of Mme. Zymurgy. } } 3. Oh, it will go back to a solid blue block, as soon as you give up } and reformat your hard drive. } } You owe the Oracle an exhaustive collection of operating systems that } fit on a single 1.44Mb floppy disk -- and work properly. --- 1412-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > [Moonlight Sonata playing loudly] > > Now I understand,, Using it too long,, poisons it.. > > The hard drive,, the drivers,, the fan noise, that incessant fan > noise.. > > Poisons it.. What goeth on in that case?.. What pain and suffering > occureth? > > What causeth,, the freezing? > > DAMN YOU MICROSOFT! HARAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH@!!!!!!!!@ > > [Sonata keeps playing] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That Jaunting, Haunting Computer Noise } by The Internet Oracle [Incarnated as AllanW] } [Sung to the tune of: Lemon Cupcake, by Moon Sex Junkies, } with apologies to Snookums] } } Joy! O Joy! The package arrives at last. } This is the fastest version ever made! } In 90 minutes, it will be in, and ready to use! } It ought to be fun! } } Such a huge box, but mostly it's just paper, } And stickers, and cellophane, and... one disc. } One lonely disc, yes, } One lonely disc. } } Stick it in the drive and close it up, } Let the computer boot... } Still booting... } Still booting... } Still booting... } Still booting... } } What's this? At last! It's actually started! } Wow, look at that logo, this is going to be great! } Wipe out the partition, new install, now it's formatting... } Still formatting... } Still formatting... } Still formatting... } } At last! It's copying! Soon the system will be mine! } O boy, this is so exciting! } Still copying... } Still copying... } Wow, that's a lot of copying... } Still copying... } } [Drum solo here...] } } Fell asleep... had some strange dreams... } Disks spinning, fans fanning, softly whirring, } The noise, always the noise... } I drooled on my shirt. } } What was that? A beep! I heard a beep! } But it's still copying... did it really beep? } Still copying... } Still copying... } Wow, that's a lot of copying... } Still copying... } } Another noise! That time it was definitely a beep! } The screen is blank! Oh no, what went wrong? } Must keep my cool, read the manual... } Oh, it's just rebooting, that's normal... } Ah, a pretty new screen: } } Windows is setting up the programs directory. } Setup will be finished in about } 43 minutes. } } That's a long time... but the excitement is building... } Feel it running through my veins, } As I drift back to sleep. } More strange dreams... again with the whirring... } } [Drum solo here...] } } What was that? My neck hurts. } I've been asleep so long, so very long. } The screen, it's asking me a question. } Oh no! I've been asleep for two hours! } Put my glasses back on... } } Please enter the serial number } to continue setting up Windows } } The serial number? } Why are there so many boxes to type in? } It says the number is on the back of an envelope. } Or was that the Gettysburg Address? Am I Lincoln? } I smile at my private joke. } But where did I put that damn envelope? } } Look in the box... } Look in the drawer... } Look under the desk... } Look in the box again... } Could it be in the trash? } Ah! It's under the chair, I rolled on it. } } Is that a Q, or an O, or a 0? } There isn't enough light in here! } Where are my glasses! } Why is this number so long? } } It won't take? I must have done a digit wrong. } Maybe that was a 1, instead of an L. } Black letters on dark-yellow paper, } Are they trying to make this difficult? } } It worked! It finally worked! } I must have done it right. } I'm hungry, but I'm making progress } And now I am rewarded, } A new message appears: } } Windows is setting up the programs directory. } Setup will be finished in about } 42 minutes. } } 42 minutes? That's what it said 3 hours ago! } Will this never end? } Is that fan getting louder? } The system is telling me how much } Faster it is going to work... } I've been here 4 hours now! } } The fan noise is driving me crazy! } My leg hurts... Why am I sitting in the dark, } On a chair that hurts my back? } Is there any aspirin? } } At last! Choose user names... } Boy, I hope I remember these later... } That would be embarrassing... } No, I'd have to re-install it all over again... } That would be painful, my leg still hurts. } Better write down the password. } } Wait! It only asked for one password! } Do they all have the same password? } What if it makes up its own passwords? } How will I be able to log in? } Am I falling asleep again? } Am I falling asleep again? } } [Drum solo here...] } } A beep again! It's rebooting again. } Gee, it does that a lot. } Starting windows for the first time... } As if the last 6 hours doesn't count? } As if the last 6 hours doesn't count? } As if the last 6 hours doesn't count? } } Music! It's too loud! } I want to turn down the volume... } But I haven't even logged in yet... } Can I rip out the damn speakers? } They must think this is cute, } But it hurts my ears. } } Activate? What does this mean? Different than register... } But I need an Internet Connection... } Which means I need to install the network driver... } Which means I have to log in first... } Which means I need to finish installing first... } Where's that stupid manual? } } Look in the box... } Look in the drawer... } Wait! Maybe it's under the chair? } No, so look under the desk... } Look in the box again... } Ah! It's in the trash! } } Congratulations... yeah... } Support number... $28 per incident... no, I'll skip that. } Warrantee... Reasons to register... } Ah, here it is... if you don't register right away, } You have 1 week... Ah, just click "Skip it." } That damn music finally shuts off. } } Finally got the welcome screen. } Click on a User ID... } Oh! It didn't ask for any password. } Well, that was stupid. Why did I pick a password? } And what's the point of multiple user IDs, } If you can just click on one to log in? } } Wow, look at all those icons. } So many reminders. } It wants me to update, } But I'm still not on the Internet. } And look, the date and time are way off! } Better fix it now. } } But other than that, } It looks just like the old system... } What was the point of that? } What was the point of the upgrade? } } Where was that driver disk? } Look in the drawer... } It was supposed to be in the drawer... } My leg still hurts... } Oh, here it is, I took it out of the drawer... } Put it in now. } } Install as Administrator? } Sure, why not? } Oh, NOW I need the password. } What's the password? I wrote it down... } Damn, I hate little pieces of paper! } Here it is, in the drawer. } } What's this error message? } Not designed for this version of Windows? } It tells me to download a new version. } I can download a new version for free, } But not until I connect to the Internet, } Which means I need to install this first, but I can't... } } Is there a gun nearby? } I want to shoot this computer! } No, just kidding... } Even though my leg hurts... } } I just need to drive to my friend's house, } And use his computer } To download the driver } And copy it to a disk } And drive back here } To install it. } } Ow, my leg hurts. } My friend isn't home. } I'll have to come back tomorrow! } This install is supposed to take 90 minutes. } I've been at it for 7 hours, } And I won't be able to finish it today. } } But wait! I can go to Kinko's. } Ten cents a minute. } Even if it takes me 10 minutes, } That's still only a buck. } I can do this, } I can do this, } } [Drum solo here...] } } The download takes me 20 minutes, } But the computer doesn't have a CD-burner. } I need to buy a memory stick. } $45, no problem. } } I've been working for almost 8 hours, } I'm getting hungry! } I stop for food. } But I spent $45 for that stupid memory stick. } All I have left } Is enough for a pack of gum. } } Back at the computer. } Where do I stick the memory stick? There's no front-panel USB! } Ah, but there's one in the back. } Wish I had a USB extension cord. } It's hard to see back here... But I think I got it in. } Yes, I heard the sound. } } But it needs to install a driver } For the memory stick! } Which means I need the Windows install CD again! } Where did I put that? } Oh no, not again... } Wait! It's here, in the drawer. } } Whew! It sees the memory stick. } Hooray! The network driver setup is running. } Another error message? } No, just a warning... Not logo-certified... } Who the heck cares? I just need it to work! } Yes, install anyway! } } It needs to reboot again. } I wish I had $1 for every time I reboot. } I'd have... well; I'd only have $100, } But that's a lot of booting, and I could buy lunch. } As soon as this install is finished, } I can go home and take a pain pill. } } What's this? Past the expiration date? } Need to activate? } That's what I plan to do, } But first I need to set up the new network. } But I need to log in first. } And I can't do that until I activate. } } DAMN YOU MICROSOFT! } Did they do this on purpose? What do they want from me? } I'd be happy to activate, but I need to log in first! } It's supposed to work for a week... } Oh no... I changed the date... } It thinks it's been years... } } All I need to do is put the date back } To what it was before. } But I need to log in to do that! } Don't I? } } No! I can go to BIOS. } Shut down the computer... } Don't really need to do that, it didn't start up... } Just shut off the power... } Go to BIOS... } Change the date... } } What was it before? } I need to have it the same as before. } I don't remember what the wrong date was, } Just that it was wrong. } Take a guess. That might work... } Boot again... } } DAMN YOU MICROSOFT! } If only there was some way to activate } Without being connected to the Internet... } I weep, I weep. } } [Drum solo here...] } } Wait, what does this say? } There's an 800-number? I'll dial it. } Hard to see in the dark, } I hope I don't get some sex line, } } Oh, it's them... } I'll punch in all the numbers... } Wow, that's a lot to write down... } Punch it into the computer... } } Hooray, it works! } I finally logged in, } The network is configured, and it even works! } Now I get to do the Windows Update! } } Service Pack 2 } Wow, that was faster than I thought it would be. } Oh, wait, all I downloaded so far } Was a program that does the real download. } 1%? 2%? } This is going to take hours! } } [Drum solo here...] } } I wake up again, my neck hurts even worse. } But the download is almost complete, my heart fills with joy... } 98%... Still 98%... Still 98%... } 99%... Still 99%... Still 99%... } 100%... Still 100%... Still 100%... } Why doesn't it start installing? } } At last, it starts! } Oh boy, this isn't going quick either. } Installing update 1 of 1... } My head hurts... } } [Drum solo here...] } } At last, it is finished. } Windows needs to reboot. } I wish I had $1 for every time I reboot. } I'd have... Wait, I did this joke already. } } Safe mode? Why is it in safe mode? } There's something wrong? This stupid Service Pack screwed it up? } This install was supposed to take 90 minutes. } I've been at it for 11 hours, and now it doesn't work? } I need to start over? } I weep! I weep! } } [Drum solo here...] } } DAMN YOU MICROSOFT! } DAMN YOU MICROSOFT! } DAMN YOU MICROSOFT! } DAMN YOU MICROSOFT! } DAMN YOU MICROSOFT! } DAMN YOU MICROSOFT! } } Stick the CD in the drive and close it up, } Let the computer boot again... } DAMN YOU MICROSOFT! } Still booting... } DAMN YOU MICROSOFT! } Still booting... } DAMN YOU MICROSOFT! } Still booting... } DAMN YOU MICROSOFT! } Now it starts formatting... } DAMN YOU MICROSOFT! } Start formatting... } DAMN YOU MICROSOFT! } Still formatting... } DAMN YOU MICROSOFT! } Still formatting... } DAMN YOU MICROSOFT! } Still formatting... } Now it starts copying... } DAMN YOU MICROSOFT! } Start copying... } DAMN YOU MICROSOFT! } Start copying... } DAMN YOU MICROSOFT! } [Music fades... But it never does end...] --- 1412-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please tell me all you know about weed, censers, priests, the Catholic > Church, incesnse, summertime peach and raspberry ciders, plants, trees, > nostalgia and profound spiritual experiences. > > Thank you. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } When kids smoke weed and the censer's smoking } And the priests rape and the church is ducking } The smell of incense gives me a tingling } These are a few of my favorite things } } Summertime peaches or Raspb'ry cider } Plants, flowers, trees will soon break asunder } Human's nostalgia for their long past springs } These are a few of my favorite things } } Spirituality's an hallucination } Don't look up there, there's only deception } When supplicants think they have a meaning } This is really my favorite thing } } You owe the Oracle his innocence back. --- 1412-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When will someone first run a marathon under 2 hours? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As soon as they reinvent the marathon to involve a little less running.