From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Thu Mar 20 12:59:31 2008 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/IUCS_2.83) with ESMTP id m2KGxUEU019669; Thu, 20 Mar 2008 12:59:30 -0400 (EDT) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/Submit) id m2KGxUUr019667; Thu, 20 Mar 2008 12:59:30 -0400 (EDT) Date: Thu, 20 Mar 2008 12:59:30 -0400 (EDT) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200803201659.m2KGxUUr019667@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1434 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1434 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1434 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 20 Mar 2008 12:59:19 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1434 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1429 35 votes 28bb3 436bb 556c7 05i93 17ga1 4bb63 3298d 68786 15h84 44b97 1429 3.3 mean 3.1 3.6 3.3 3.3 3.1 2.8 3.7 3.0 3.3 3.3 --- 1434-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "J. Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The Oracle reached out with his great arms and gave the supplicant > a -=big=- hug. And those in the circle all clapped and smiled. > > Overhead doves flew by in the bright blue sky, the grass beneath > their feet tickled, the breeze through the orchard cooled them with > the soft scent of peach blossoms. > > The Oracle produced a garland of daisies and draped it around the > supplicant's neck. > > Each of those in the circle stood and approached the supplicant. > They each handed the supplicant a flower of their own, and with it > a few kind words. > > "Welcome." > > "I'm so happy you have decided to join us." > > "If there's every anything I can do, please tellme." > > Until the last one had passed by... > > "Now," spoke the Oracle, "the time has for you to join us in temple." > > And with that they all approached the temple. A tall imposing > castle structure that seemed a bit out of sorts in this fair land. > The supplicant noticed as approached people on the towers and walls. > The supplicant waved. The people on the wall did not wave back. > As the supplicant drew nearer it became clear why, in one hand was > a crude cross-bow hacked from some dark wood. Their other hand was > manacled to the wall. > > "W..dch..ks," said the Oracle as he put his arm around the supplicants > shoulder, "they are there to keep the w..dch..ks away. We have to > chain those brave men to the wall to keep them from jumping down and > fighting the horrid beasts hand to hand." > > A gaunt man slid up to the supplicant's side and added, "So great > is their love for the Oracle that they yearn for chances to make the > supreme sacrifice for him." > > As they crossed over the moat the supplicant saw it was not full of > water, but full of bones and little rodents that seemed to be biting > the tails of any one of them that tried to climb out of the trough > and dragging them back in. > > Once inside the Temple gate itself the huge oak doors closed with a > slow and final thump. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Once inside the magnificent, marble entrance hall, the Oracle put a } hand on the supplicant's shoulder and pointed with the other one at } a fountain surrounded by statues. } } "This is..." } } A bell rang, loud and terrible. Lights flashed. Shouts could be heard, } both distant and near. Sudden commotion erupted, footsteps sounded } above and below. The Oracle and priesthood froze and looked at each } other, a sudden dread in their faces. } } "... this is impossible!" } } "Um," the supplicant tapped the Oracle on the hand still resting on } their shoulder, "this isn't the let's-welcome-the-new-priest-bell, } is it?" } } The Oracle seemed not to have heard them. It hastened to a statue } displaying a knight dipping his sword into the fountain and pulled } its shield arm. Racks of odd devices sprang up from the floor, all } of them as much alien in their shape as they were obviously weapons. } } "Everybody grab a zotrod! Quick!" } } The supplicant reached for one of the six foot long staves that made } up the bulk of the available weaponry. } } "And now..." } } But again, the Oracle was interrupted, this time by shouts from } the priests. } } "The roof! Woodchucks on the roof!" } } Things went too fast for the supplicant. Turning simultaneously } with the priests, they raised the zotrod over their face, more in a } desperate effort to bring something between a couple of organs they } had grown rather fond of and the homicidal rodents that crashed through } the glass dome of the temple than to perform any kind of attack. } } They closed their eyes. There were more shouts, there was the sound of } shattered glass raining down on the floor. A brilliant light flashed } through their eyelids several times, and something heavy brushed } against their shins. } } When they dared to look again, a priest was laying at his feet in a } puddle of blood. One of the priests knelt and held her head. } } "No! Not Clarissa!" His voice was pure panic. "They knew! They knew } we're helpless without..." } } All eyes suddenly turned to the supplicant. Time seemed to stop for } a heartbeat, and after what seemed like an eternity, the Oracle spoke: } } "You. New one. You're good with math, right? Numbers are your thing? } Well, congratulations, you just got a promotion on your first day. } We need you in the tower. Pete, take him and get the Zototron going!" } } "But, but..." the supplicant stammered as one of the priests grabbed } his arm and pulled him towards a nearby stairway, but the Oracle was } out of earshot before they could form a remotely coherent sentence. } Turning to the priest that kept dragging them up the wound stairway, } the supplicant asked "What is going on here?" } } "Much as I'd like to," the priest replied, "there's no time to tell you } the entire story with the proper dramaturgy. So let's just say that } you happened to choose the day our ancient and most feared nemesis } attacks us for your initiation. And we," he added while kicking open } a door at the top of the tower, "are the only ones who can stop it } while the others buy us time." } } The room was littered with odd and antiquated computer equipment, } the marble floor hardly visible for all the cables covering it like } so many snakes. Pete threw himself into a chair in front of one of } the many monitors and began hammering on the keyboard. } } "I need you to go to the window. What do you see? How many are there?" } } As told, the supplicant did step to the window. For a moment, they } did not realize what they saw, for the sight was too strange, too } bizarre to recognize or even accept. From the wall below him to the } distant horizon, the earth was brown with woodchuck. } } "How many?" } } The supplicant counted, the supplicant estimated. The supplicant } gulped. The supplicant told him. } } "Have they breached the wall yet?" } } "Some are climbing it, but they haven't breached it. They're trying, } though - they have siege towers!" } } "Siege Towers! How many?" } } The supplicant counted, the supplicant told him. } } Pete looked at him. "Alright. Now, I need to figure this out. In order } to get our very own doomsday device going, I must know exactly what } subspecies of woodchuck it is. And that, " he took a deep breath, } "I can determine if I know their speed. They can't have been here } for longer than a day, or our scouts would have reported them. } They probably used the entirety of your initiation for the preparation } of the attack. Now, each siege tower takes twenty logs of wood. So tell } me how many logs did each woodchuck provide per hour, and quickly." } } The supplicant calculated, the supplicant opened their mouth. } } The supplicant hesitated. } } The supplicant thought. } } "I can't tell you." } } "What? You said you're good at math. I need you to do this! You're our } only hope!" } } "I mean, I could tell you. But I won't. You remember that oath I swore, } like, twenty minutes ago? Apart from all the odd stuff about mangos, } which I suspect is a joke, it also included that I will never ever } answer the woodchuck question to anyone." He paused. "And so I will. } Not even to you." } } Pete glared at the supplicant. "Are you insane? You are destroying } the temple!" } } "It would be destroyed," the supplicant answered with a sad smile, } "either way. This way, it may go down faster, but I will not have } its... well, I will not have on my hands whatever temples have instead } of blood." } } There was another flash of light, this time blinding the supplicant, } and then there was - applause. } } Disoriented, the supplicant looked at the Oracle and the priesthood } as they stood around them in the fully restored entrance hall. } "Well done", the Oracle said, "you handled yourself pretty well. } Although you could have thrown in a pun or two, you didn't really } use the comedic opportunities." } } The supplicant sighed in relief. } } "So this was all a test. To see if I'm worthy, to see that I won't } answer the forbidden question, even when under the greatest pressure." } } And the Oracle said: "No, don't be silly. There are no tests. We were } just plain messing with you. Gives you a taste of what the supplicants } will do to you - on a daily basis. Now, take the rest of the day off, } and I see you tomorrow at five. And oh, keep that zotrod." } } } } To the Oracle, you owe your deepest psychological scar. --- 1434-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "J. Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do you condone yourself as an internet oracle to be of importance? > Any person who has a basic understanding on how to use the internet > can become an instant expert on any subject they have a question for, > if they search hard enough. In addition, one with enough common sense > would be able to dissect the factual information they find from the > fiction, giving them an unprecedented amount of knowledge where they > would have no use for an oracle to solve their problems. > > What makes you so special? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Pathetic and credulous supplicant, how can you be so deluded? Don't you } know that the Internet is my home? It's where I live, and I'm as } familiar with its data sources and sinks as you are with your bedroom. } } The WikiPedia? I wrote all that stuff, and I allow only the } modifications I want. } } Google? Pah - I *own* their search engine, and it serves up exactly } what I tell it to. } } YouTube? - All faked - I've been doing perfect CG animation for } decades. } } FaceBook? How many of those people have you actually met? The rest } are all me. } } Are you getting the picture? Within the Internet, reality is what I } say it is. } } By the way, those original sources you found for your paper on } "Economic Bases of Inflation Under the Ancien Regime" are either } plagiarized or fabricated, and you'll be lucky to get away with just } a semester suspension. --- 1434-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and delicious Oracle, I recently asked out a waitress/barmaid > at a restaurant I go to regularly, and she declined, saying they have a > rule against dating the customers. What might the rationale for such a > rule be? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It provides the waitresses with a good way to say, "Not in your } lifetime, buster," or "Drop dead, dork," while remaining professionally } pleasant, safely alive, and in even in hope of receiving a 25% tip. --- 1434-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh brilliant and quirky Oracle, smarter than the Professor, more > commanding than the Skipper, and richer than the Howells, please settle > once and for all the second most important question of all: > > Ginger or MaryAnn? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Or? --- 1434-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What exactly makes it "indescribable"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The...them, um...you know. } } You owe the Oracle something unexplainable. --- 1434-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You wanna piece of me, boy? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, I don't want a piece of you. Why would I want a } piece of you? You probably taste terrible and are } dried out and leathery. } } Beyond which, human beings, as a result of consumption } of milk, generally have more strontium 90 in their } tissues than is allowed in food products shipped in } interstate commerce. So it would not be legal for } there to be a piece of you shipped to me. } } You owe the Oracle a peace of quiet. --- 1434-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I think the 140 IQ human brain can comfortably remember about 20,000 > different things from the same broad category without specifically > trying to. > > For example, how many words does an average person know? 3000. > How many words did Shakespeare know? 30,000. How many words exist? > Over 600,000. (Imagine every word in the Bible being different) > Shakespeare is probably the world record holder. > > How many items are in Runescape? 8,000+ > > How many rooms are in the largest building ever made? About 10000. > > How many stocks does Jim Cramer have in his head? 3,000 (but knowing > at the minimum means [buy sell or neutral] and which changes over time, > so is worth more than 1 object) > > How many cities do I recognize? People's names? Does that include > any detail I remember from any TV episode or my house or neighborhood? > > How many hours does it take to earn a degree? So, you are exposed a few > dozen facts an hour. No, you don't remember them all. How many pages > are in a very large textbook? How many facts a page? You'll probably > forget at least 90% of it too. If you don't, recite page 462. > > So, why the 100 KB limit? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The limit is exactly 100kb, because knowledge is, as a smug subset } of all computer-scientists has always suggested, organized in binary } values, the evolution of which went like this: } } At first, when men got his first dim awareness of his surroundings, } there was basically a single category resulting in two sets of things: } } * Food } * No food } } Generally, that came in really handy, because all the time spent } chewing on rocks could now be used for other purposes. Pretty quickly, } though, this turned out to be insufficient, as not only where there } all kinds of hazards like fires or falling rocks, but it also turned } out that the other inhabitants of this green earth had pretty much } the same idea and people began falling under the "food" category for } said other inhabitants. So another category was created: } } * Kills me } * Does not kill me } } Since both of these values can be either true or false, this gets us } four distinct sets of things: } } * Food, does not kill me (tasty fruit) } * No food, does not kill me (rocks) } * No food, does kill me (predator, falling rocks) } * Food, does kill me (tasty predator hit by falling rocks) } } This went well for a while, but since the amount of sets of things grew } exponentially (the n-th new category results in 2^n additional sets of } things) the table of categories grew quite difficult to maintain. So a } committee was set up to maintain it. } } And that's where things went awry. } } Soon, there were categories for things that belonged to village A } even though village B claimed them, things that belonged to village } B, even though village A was spreading infamous lies and abusing } the category committee to steal them from village B, things that } go well with cheese, things that go slightly less well with cheese, } things that Mrs. Frumbiddle considers a poor choice for a birthday } present, things that you cannot find when you need them the most, } little dongly things, and so on and so on and so on. Not only was the } growth of the table of categories not halted, but within a matter of } days, it had superseeded the capacity of the human brain. A solution } to this inflation was to be found, and quickly. } } So, in order to not be hit by rocks or eaten by a predator while } sorting through all the facts of life, somebody, in what seemed } a stroke of genius, proposed the "important" category. Simply } distinguish things that are noteworthy from things that are not. } Filter out all the riff-raff once and for all, and be set for eternity. } No more confusion. No more disputes between villages A and B. Now more } chewing on inappropriate birthday presents. } } And that's when the philosophers showed up.[*] } } "But", the philosophers said, "consider this: the category } of importance contains all that is important. And everythings is } important if, and only if, all of its components are important. But is } the category of importance important? If we assume it is important } and thus a member of itself, all of its members are important, and } our assumption holds. If we assume it is not important, it is not a } member of itself, and still all of its members are important, so our } assumption holds, too. But both assumptions contradict each other. } So we can never know if that which is important is really important." } } Some of the more alert members of the committee immediately threw } rocks at the philosophers, and one of them even a predator, but it } was too late. Importance had become a matter of interpretation. } } And thus, the committee dissolved itself and the category of people who } claimed never to have been involved in it anyway grew rapidly within a } single day. Instead, it was decided that, no that they were stuck with } the importance category, people should just decide for themselves how } to get out of this mess and decide what is important and what is not. } } Most people agree on food. Many on love. Some on being a member of } a committee, some on being a philosopher and some on throwing rocks } at philosophers. And since the human actual category table is usually } well below 100k, most people forget half of what they know or even } deem important, so the things they do are often not the things they } wanted to. But, much to everybody's surprise, the entire process } vastly increased the amount of distinguishable things that are fun. } } You owe the Oracle a birthday present Mrs. Frumbiddle will like. } } [*] Although at that time, they were known simply as "things that have } four legs, no wings, large toenails and bug you on the marketplace } of Athens". --- 1434-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Mighty Oracle, I want to know the answer for the question: > What am I? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Apparently you are #QYJaWTk, son of #QYJaWTj, grandson of #QYJaWTi. } } You owe the Oracle a more interesting scheme for labeling --- 1434-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who is responsible for the glut of ugly calendars? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, of course, as is well known, it is the Calendar } Cartel who are in the business of cornering the market } on Calendars, and are using the cruel inexorability of } Gresham's Law, which says "Bad Calendars drive Good } Calendars out of circulation," in that when there are } good calendars and ugly ones, the good ones get } snapped up fast, leaving the ugly ones lonely and } undated. The only thing worse than a calendar that } doesn't have a date, is a wall calendar that never } finds a hook-up. } } There is nothing more depressing for a calendar than } to be unloved, to not feel the loving touch of its } owner as they rip off the pages every day (for a } 365/366 page calendar), or turning the pages each } month. Calendars miss this, and this lack of } calendaristic contact can make them turn mean AND } ugly. } } You owe the Oracle some dates. Pitted, preferrably. --- 1434-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > We are questioning you again about English usage. Should we say, > "Foobar, Ltd. *is* releasing the new software in July," or "Foobar, > Ltd. *are* releasing the new software in July." ?? Yes, I do realise > that the correct phrase will probably have the month of February > instead of July, but that's not the issue at hand. We have a major > battle about this problem between the developers here in Glasgow and > the developers in Berkeley (strangely pronounced by its inhabitants as > "Burkely" instead of "Barkly"). > > These language problems are taking up precious debugging time, and > threaten to push the product out so late that July (albeit some other > July than 2008) will actually be again correct. We would write software > without bugs, but that doesn't happen either, as we are trying to use > the "agile" model, which the managers have taken to pronouncing > "fragile" or sometimes "Effin' R. Agile." > > Please be your utmostly authoritative in your answer. We want to END > the discussion, not fire it up brighter. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You are using the term "Ltd." in the sense of the type } of organization which in the United Kingdom is a } limited company, and in the United States is a } corporation, and the statement would essentially apply } in both cases. } } A corporation (or limited company) is what is called a } legal fiction. It is separate from its owners } (stockholders, if any) and makes its decision on the } basis of the board of directors, who do so in the name } of the corporation. A corporation has certain aspects } including separate existence from its owners and its } directors. } } The laws generally grant to corporations "personhood" } meaning that it is considered to have the same } standing as any other person before the law, including } an individual. Since a corporation is separate from } its owners or managers and has personhood, per se, it } is a single entity, and not a group. } } If it was an unincorporated association acting as a } group, or if it was the board of directors of the } corporation acting together rather than acting in the } name of the corporation, then "are" would be } acceptable, e.g. "The directors of Foobar, Ltd. *are* } releasing the new software in July." } } But when they act in the name of the corporation, they } are in effect acting on behalf of a single entity. } Since it is a single entity, the correct usage would } be "Foobar, Ltd. *is* releasing the new software in } July," } } I believe that "is" would also be correct for } gramatical usage by a Limited Liability Company, and } on the same terms as indicated above when issued in } the name of a partnership (as opposed to an action of } the partners as a group) as those are usually } considered equivalent to a single entity. A single } entity *is* going to do something, whereas the } combined members of a group *are* going to do } something. } } Since this wasn't being humorous this time, The Oracle } *is* not going to say you owe it anything. } } - } Paul Robinson . } "The lessons of history teach us - if they teach us } anything - that nobody learns the lessons that history } teaches us."