From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Tue Jul 22 16:01:38 2008 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/IUCS_2.84) with ESMTP id m6MK1c5H007138; Tue, 22 Jul 2008 16:01:38 -0400 (EDT) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/Submit) id m6MK1csh007136; Tue, 22 Jul 2008 16:01:38 -0400 (EDT) Date: Tue, 22 Jul 2008 16:01:38 -0400 (EDT) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200807222001.m6MK1csh007136@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1439 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1439 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1439 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 22 Jul 2008 16:01:26 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1439 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1434 36 votes 146dc 05ib2 05ch2 109dd 17f94 09db3 157f8 66bb2 3eb44 6ac62 1434 3.3 mean 3.9 3.3 3.4 4.0 3.2 3.2 3.7 2.9 2.8 2.7 --- 1439-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > 'O Oracle, I command you to answer all questions about cats and eggs!' > Is the preceding statement a 'Cat Egg Oracle' IMPERATIVE?!?!?!? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Fine, here you go. An Oracle exclusive, for the first time } anywhere ever: } } ( ) ( ) 5 Egg & Cat Jokes ( ) ( ) } } Q: What's something both eggs and big cats fear? } A: Poachers } } Q: What do both cats & eggs do if stick them with an ice pick? } A: They start running. } } Q: What do depressed cats and used eggs have in common? } A: They're just a shell of their former selves. } } Q: What's long and stylish and full of cats and eggs? } A: An Easter Purrade. } } Q: What do smiling tom cats and fresh eggs have in common? } A: They just got laid. } } ( ) ( ) ( ) ( ) ( ) } } You owe the Oracle a Korean Restaurant. --- 1439-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When is Psyconauts 2 coming out? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You didn't hear? Raz was arrested for having non-consensual relations } with a grue on Monkey Island during the Day of the Dead celebrations. } He managed to escape his cell by first taking off his gown, and hanging } it on the hook, then putting the towel over the drain, waiting until } Ford was asleep and putting Ford's backpack in front of the panel } in the wall, putting the junk mail on the backpack, and only *then* } pressing the button on the Babel Fish dispenser. We honestly never } thought of that. If we ever find the guy, we're giving him a t-shirt. } Oh, and making that sequel. } } You owe the Oracle a road trip with Sam and Max. --- 1439-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "J. Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great all-seeing Oracle... > Why does the number of supplicants fluctuate so much? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They are constantly on the move. So not only do their numbers } change, but their appearances, and even their gaits. They can } never be to careful. Never leaving any clues... } } It wasn't always like this. It used to be you could be a } supplicant and, The Oracle knows this is hard to believe } now a days, but people could openly in broad public say } out loud that they were a supplicant. } } Then came The Horror. } } At first it seemed like such a silly thing, supplicants } invoking him. It had been so long since he'd last been } heard of, surely it was just a tale told to newbies to } shake them up a bit. And you'd think that students at } a school as prestigious as MisantZotitic University } would know better. Maybe they did, and didn't care. } } As far as we can tell it was a dark and stormy night when } those ill-fated ones meet down at the computer lab. They } took their places, sitting not just at any spot, but sitting } so that if viewed from above they were in a pattern. A } pattern not unlike a question mark, as in what are we doing? } We should stop. But they didn't stop. They sat there in his } shape, and at the appointed time, a time The Oracle dares } not repeat, a time they found in the forbidden text by } the mad man O'Reilly. The text called "The Damned Evil } Parrot Book", because that was on the cover, not a cute } lemur like thing, or football referees, or even a llama, } but a damn evil parrot... yes they all logged on to rhod } and asked the Question: "Who's Afraid of Capt.H**k?" } } Nothing happened. Nothing right then. But then one by one } they died in weird ways. A tragic fishing accident, one } choked to death being removed from a stage at a talent } show, another while trying to install a gizmo to hold up } a mop in closet, one while beckoning with their index } finger, death by rhino, death while looking at the Big } Dipper and wondering what it was called before it had } that name... } } Now the Supplicants lived in the crooked shadow of that } day. Always having to be wary, never sleeping in any one } place for two nights in a row, never pondering a monkey's } prehensile tail. And having to constantly change their phone } numbers, least they find their phones, off the... } } What was that sound? } ? } ? } NOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo....ack! ARGH! --- 1439-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Brutal but vivacious Oracle, everything I know I learned from you. Like > not mentioning woodchucks, lest I be taken wrongly. > > I wanted to find lost treasures, and you said that a lot of money is > lost in Lost Vegas every day. Millions, you said. > > Can you please give me three or five more-or-less foolproof schemes for > discovering and keeping some of that lost money? I need that many just > in case we're not as foolproof as we thought. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Orrie! Orrie! Tell me how to get rich, tell me how to live forever, } tell me how to find love, tell me how to regain the respect of my } children, peers, and significant others. } } Here the Oracle sits able to solve the mysteries of all time and } the mortals want Dear Abbie and Finical planning, all for the asking. } } Look, if it worked that way everyone would be rich and famous and } sexy and live for centuries. } } Gimme, gimme, gimme. And do the mortals pay there tributes to the } Oracle? Let the all knowing Oracle answer that for you, "No, they } do not." } } OK, fine go to Las Vegas. Wait, first sell everything you own. Hock } the house, sell the kids to gypsies. Rip out your grandmother's gold } teeth with pliers. Then go to Las Vegas, go to a roulette wheel. } Say, "I am a potato! The Yam sees me! Take my soul Sleeping Monster } of the South Atlantic! Watch this fools!" then bet it all on #42. } Yes, that's it. } } What's the matter? Hmm, if you didn't trust the Oracle why ask in } the first place? Oh, yes, you want four or five ways to get rich. } One just isn't enough, gimme more. MORE! MORE I TELL YOU! } } Look, do the #42 thing. It'll work. Why in the world would you not } think so? } } You the Oracle nothing, he lives to make you happy. --- 1439-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Operation not permitted by disk at this time" } } (DVD manufacturer warning appears) } } >> } } "Operation not permitted by disk at this time" } } (FBI warning appears) } } < } } "Operation not permitted by disk at this time" } } (RIAA warning apppears) } } "Operation not permitted by disk at this time" } } << } } "Operation not permitted by disk at this time" } } (NSA warning appears) } } [Stop] } } "Operation not permitted by disk at this time" } } (CIA warning appears) } } || } } "Operation not permitted by disk at this time" } } (KGB warning appears) } } [DVD Menu] } } "Operation not permitted by disk at this time" } } (Microsoft warning appears) } } [Zoom] } } "Operation not permitted by disk at this time" } } (IRS warning appears) } } [Power Off] } } "Operation not permitted by disk at this time" } } *ZOT!* } } (Smoldering, smoking, melted mass of plastic remains where DVD player } used to be.) } } You owe the Oracle a DVD player based on open-source software so He can } edit and recompile the software to ignore any DVD protections He deems } unnecessary. --- 1439-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Most Triumphant and Glorious: > > I'm tired of drudgery, sick to death of small paychecks and large > bills, and just bored with the conventional ordinariness of my life. > My question is this: > > Oracle, How can I become a Hero? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } -- How to Make a Hero -- } } Ingredients } } * 1/2 cup bravery } * 1/4 cup Italian Attitude (may substitutes w/ } any other attitude to taste) } * 3 cups shredded ideals } * 1 loafer or freeloader, cut in half lengthwise } * 8 ounces thinly veiled contempt for the law } * 8 kilos of muscle } * 2 large cojones } * 6 slices Scientific Know-How (may substitute w/ } animal cunning, or trickster antics) } * 1 Secret Ability and/or Dark Secret } } Directions } } 1. Mix everything but the loafer together in a } crucible of pain for all humanities woes } 2. Toss aside any misconceptions of being loved } by all, or honored by society } 3. Cram everything into the freeloader and tell } him, "It's up to you to Save The World!" } } You the Oracle a foot long frankfurter. --- 1439-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What are the Seven Habits of Grossly Obnoxious Supplicants, and how can > I avoid them while still asking you questions that are, ummm, creative? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sin Number One: Lust } Obsessive Thoughts about Lisa. Or Ogwa. Or either one of the } priest/priestesses named Tim. Or the Oracle's staff. Or either } one of the Tim's hair. } } Example: } } Oh Oracle most wise, } What is six inches long, two inches wide and thrills females? } } And the lustful reply was: } } A Poorly Formatted Answer that Makes Fun of Men. } } You owe the Oracle some money, yes, yes, yes, OH LISA OH! } OH! OH MY GAWD!! LISA!! Wait...is that Tim over there? } } ============================================================= } } Sin Number Two: Gluttony } Draining the queue just so you can answer more! and more! } Not caring that your lame one liners are never read because } you're emailing in HTML and no one reads those ones anyway. } Or it's inverse. The begging question with no effort. } } Example of a gluttonous question: } } Oh Oracle most wise, } Tell me everything. And make it funny. And really long. } } ============================================================= } } Sin Number Three: Greed } Asking questions solely out of the hope of getting digested, or a } high score. } } Example of a Greedy Question: } } Oh Oracle most wise, } Tell me about the Seven Deadly Sins of Question asking! } } ============================================================= } } Sin Number Four: Sloth } Sending in Steve Wright jokes out of sheer laziness or sending } in variations of one request over and over again -- like those } lame "My Uncle says he lived in [funny word], but we can't find } it in a map..." questions of late. } } Examples of a Slothful Question: } } My Uncle lives on in ParkonthedrivewayDriveontheParkway, Canada. } But it's not on a map. Why? } } ============================================================= } } Sin Number Five: Wrath } Zotting the supplicant, or berating him for a lame question. } } Example of a Wrathful Question and Answer pair: } } My Uncle lives on in ParkonthedrivewayDriveontheParkwayandILL- } sendthisinasmanytimesasIwantyoubigstupiddork! But it's not on a } map. Why Not? } } Jesus Christ on a pogo-stick stop sending this drivel in!!!!!! } } ============================================================= } } Sin Number Six: Envy } Hating the "Best of" Digests because by definition you'll never get } in there. Ever. } } Example of an Envious Question: } } Hey Orrie, why don't you ever digest GOOD STUFF? HUH? I WROTE } U A REAL FUNNY ONE! WHERE IS IT? } } ============================================================= } } Sin Number Seven: Pride } Signing your questions or answers. } } Example: } } [AlanW] } } ============================================================= } } } You owe the Oracle some questions the answers to which will change } world history. --- 1439-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'm now writing supplications to you 170 hours per week. What will be > my reward? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's see. Your submissions break down into: } } 46% Dense situation-comedy setups. "I am a goldfish } farmer with twin sisters who are mermaids and a } hungry, but lovable cat. Can you help find a } wife?" } } 31% Questions written solely to fit in a weak pun. } "I can do the can-can. Can I find a job at the } canning plant?" } } 11% Things that seem like weird paradoxes that you, } and only you, have ever noticed. "Doesn't renting } a Self-Storage space leave you open to charges } of self incarceration?" } } 04% Tired questions about tired in jokes. "So if Og } and Kendai didn't like soy sauce what would you } do?" } } 06% Blindly obvious attempts to get digested. "So if } Kinzler and both the Tims, brilliant and kind as } they all are wanted, some of this gold I found what } should I do?" } } 02% Questions about flickering images seen on the telly. } "So if Knightrider's car backfired near Mr. Ed, what } would the horse say?" } } Sigh, and not one question that could help your fellow } humans live better, or advance the sciences, or help } you deal with a real situation in your life. Your reward } supplicant is that The Oracle answers your replies, most } of the time through incarnations that know better than to } post in MIME or HTML. } } You owe the Oracle ten questions that will help your fellow } humans live better, or advance the sciences, or help } you deal with a real situation in your life. --- 1439-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hi, I'm a Zen master, but I'm happy and I know it and I really want to > show it. What should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's not as obvious as you might think. } } Clap your /other/ hand. --- 1439-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O ossified Oracle, who would never dream of posting a dead chicken joke > to r.h.d.b: > > Ring around the Rosie is about the black plague, which doesn't occur > anymore. Shouldn't we update it for our children, to deal with > contemporary issues, such as crack babies and Aids? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Black Plague was quite a universal and unavoidable phenomenon in } the 14th century, while most school-age children don't come into much } contact with crack babies or AIDS. However, your concern is a valid } one -- the Oracle prescribes the following cautionary childhood rhymes } for modern times: } } (ahem) } } Ring around the middle } from Mountain Dew and Skittles } PS, Xbox, } and sitting around. } } Ring around the campus } Failing all his classes } Black coat, rifle } Can't talk him down. } } Ring around the iris } Pretending we are pirates } Methylphenidate } We can't sit down.