From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Thu Oct 2 13:02:16 2008 Received: from oldmoose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by oldmoose.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/IUCS_2.87) with ESMTP id m92H2Fxr018609; Thu, 2 Oct 2008 13:02:16 -0400 (EDT) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by oldmoose.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/Submit) id m92H2FPT018607; Thu, 2 Oct 2008 13:02:15 -0400 (EDT) Date: Thu, 2 Oct 2008 13:02:15 -0400 (EDT) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200810021702.m92H2FPT018607@oldmoose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1445 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1445 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1445 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 02 Oct 2008 13:02:03 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1445 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1440 29 votes 2c753 48494 2a863 24869 56873 15b66 112dc 26993 16c91 36d43 1440 3.2 mean 2.8 3.0 2.9 3.6 2.9 3.4 4.2 3.2 3.1 2.9 --- 1445-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Awe inspiring Oracle, Step-Parent of the Past and Father of the > Future, Uncle of the Here & Now, > > What do I do if I receive a violation notice? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You curse three times, wad it up, toss it in the dumpster, then send } a lit match and a sneer in after it. As the flames rise, you take a } swig or three of the bourbon you keep in your coat pocket. They just } don't get it, you mutter under your breath. They just don't get it. } Warmed but not soothed by the drink, you curse once more for good } measure, climb into your rig and pull forward half a length so you're } not parked next to the city's precious fire hydrant. There! Happy } now? Sheesh! And it's back to work as you put your face shield back } down and grab a hose. } } You owe the Oracle a Dalmatian. --- 1445-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, kind sir. Father figure. Please answer my humble question. > > We just had a baby and worry that we are being bad parents. What advice > or words of wisdom do you have for us? > > Thank you! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You can find ten of thousands of baby hints on the Internet, } but they are all common and ordinary, unlike *your* baby. } } The Oracle grew up at time when Heroes walked the land and } demi-gods could be seen at the local drinking hole - and not } one of them had parents that worried about the right kind of } stroller to buy, or whether their diaper choices were causing } the Earth's climate to careen out of control. } } Gentle supplicant, you are indeed in for a treat as the Oracle } is happy to share with you: } } The Top Ten Baby Rearing Hints of The Gods } } 10. Dangerous Creatures not fuzzy stuffed animals build } character. Hercules played with venomous snakes as an } infant. Hermes' first pets were a herd of stolen cows } which he later gutted, using their intestines to wrap } around the shattered hull of a pet turtle he smashed open. } They both went on to eternal fame, owning every Beanie } Baby ever made can't do that for you. } } 09. Diet counts. Zeus grew up on goat's milk and honey, while } paradoxically his father Cronus dined exclusively on his } own kids -- which comes full circle with Zeus' daughter } Athene's baby formula being the brow sweat of her father. } The point here is, strained peas and Zwieback don't turn } out immortals -- icky stuff does, be creative! } } 08. Don't Let the Little Tyke Watch TV. Read Hesiod as many } times as you want, not once is TV mentioned as a passive } babysitter. Enough Said. } } 07. No pampering, not even a band-aid. Hanuman would have been } just another monkey faced demi-god if kindly Indra hadn't } dislocated the kid's jaw with a thunderbolt. Achilles' mom } tried her best to drown the tyke in a 'magic well'. Tough } love is for kids, near death experiences are for kings. } } 06. Start accumulation of job experience early. Hestia was attending } the Hearth from second one of her existence. Hebe was waiting } tables at Olympus as soon as she was taller than the cups she } carried. Perseus went straight from a rickety floating crib to } working on a fishing boat. A little hard work never hurt any } man, a lot of hard work for a baby makes them a superman. } } 05. Hire a good tutor. You really can't go wrong with a centaur. } Jason had a centaur tutor, as did Achilles. They do require } a lot of upkeep, and are known to kill a few hundred folks } now and then when drunk, but hey, they won't molest your kid } or waste weeks of the child's life making dinosaur dioramas } or vinegar spewing 'volcanoes'. } } 04. Designer clothes' sole purpose is to let others know you } aren't broke, you and your child are beyond this. Venus went } about in little more than sea-foam as a toddler, Hercules was } pretty much constantly skyclad until he ripped the skin of a } lion, on his own mind you. Quetzalcoatl wore a handful of green } feathers and some gore for his formative years attire. } } 03. Have a soothsayer check out the kid early in life. Nothing like } knowing you're destined to have the roots of the world tree } watered with your blood, or that you're going to kill your dad } to give one a sense of direction. No mindless drifting to who- } knows-what-end for a Hero. } } 02. Hero's have Heroic Heirlooms. No picture of Grandma at Woodstock } for your kid. Think more along the lines of a Falcon Cloak and } a cat drawn chariot. Or a khatvanga and a garland of skulls. } These kinds of gifts proceed Greatness in a way a rusty trumpet } or an annoyingly high-pitched music box can't. } } 01. It's kind of late for this for the current kid, but for the next } one get a bit more creative with the act of conception. Hanuman's } involved a kite and pudding. The Kindly Ones were the results of } some scythe severed nuts. And Europa's birth and the child of the } comely Pasiphae both were preceded by foreplay involving bulls. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of talking ravens. --- 1445-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, > > Do Underwear cops know any other tricks? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Have you ever noticed how some people, if you ask them a question, will } answer an entirely different one instead? Some of those people are } politicians, others are from the government and here to help you, and a } few of the remaining ones are oracles. } } Now you know why you are not always happy with my answers. --- 1445-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's the best way to use the left-handed sword? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sinisterly. --- 1445-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Racle, > > I am having trouble writing my dissertation. Can you assist? It's > about something. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Thank you for your purchase of _Racle-brand Autothesis! You have made } the right choice in using good US currency instead of crawling on your } hands and knees over broken glass to your advisor! Just fill in the } blanks and you will have an effective and unique thesis that will get } you a passing grade, if not published in the journal of [insert } customer's department here]! Satisfaction "guaranteed"! } } --- } } ____________ __________ Methods Using ___________ Information } [customer's name here] } } Abstract } } Many theorists would agree that, had it not been for ________________, } the development of _______ might never have occurred [6]. In this work, } we show the evaluation of __________ , which embodies the key principles } of _________ systems. In order to achieve this purpose, we construct a } mobile _____ for enabling _________ ([acronym]), proving that } ____________ ________ and __________ are generally incompatible. } } Table of Contents } } 1) Introduction } 2) Related Work } 3) [acronym] Investigation } 4) Implementation } 5) Experimental Evaluation } * 5.1) _____________ Configuration } * 5.2) Experiments and Results } 6) Conclusion } } 1 Introduction } } __________ must work. The notion that ________ engineers interfere with } _____ is continuously considered appropriate. Given the current status } of ______ symmetries, __________ daringly desire the deployment of } ______ _______. Thus, the visualization of the ____________ split and } unstable ___________ are often at odds with the evaluation of } evolutionary ____________. } } [acronym], our new framework for _________ ________olgies, is the } solution to all of these issues. The shortcoming of this type of method, } however, is that ______________ and ____ [6] are entirely incompatible. } It should be noted that our methodology is derived from the exploration } of ______. By comparison, although conventional wisdom states that this } riddle is generally fixed by the evaluation of _______ , we believe that } a different solution is necessary. Unfortunately, this method is } regularly encouraging. Clearly, [acronym] provides flexible } methodologies. } } The roadmap of the paper is as follows. First, we ________the need for } _______. On a similar note, we validate the understanding of } ____________ _________. Finally, we conclude. } } 2 Related Work } } Although [name] et al. also motivated this approach, we enabled it } independently and simultaneously [6]. [name] described several } __________ approaches [6], and reported that they have tremendous } influence on the evaluation of __________. Continuing with this } rationale, instead of synthesizing __________ ____________ [4], we } accomplish this intent simply by deploying cooperative ___________ [20]. } Our design avoids this overhead. Along these same lines, the choice of } the ____________ in [2] differs from ours in that we synthesize only } ________ ___________ in [acronym]. It remains to be seen how valuable } this research is to the __________ community. Although [name] and [name] } also described this approach, we studied it independently and } simultaneously. } } The concept of ___________ _______ologies has been enabled before in the } literature [13]. Similarly, [name] suggested a scheme for enabling } _________ __________, but did not fully realize the implications of } consistent ________ at the time. Simplicity aside, [acronym] synthesizes } even more accurately. Instead of harnessing ______ [9], we solve this } issue simply by analyzing _______ [7,7,8,14,12]. The little-known } methodology by [name] does not measure _________ as well as our } solution [13,5,15,17]. Recent work by [name] suggests a heuristic for } __________ the _________ of ________ , but does not offer an } implementation. } } 3 [acronym] Investigation } } In this section, we explore a methodology for exploring __________ } theory [15]. Similarly, we show a methodology for ___________ in Figure } 1. We instrumented a _______ , over the course of several months, } arguing that our methodology is solidly grounded in reality. Despite the } fact that _______ experts often assume the exact opposite, [acronym] } depends on this property for correct behavior. We use our previously } refined results as a basis for all of these assumptions. } } [first diagram] } } Figure 1: A diagram depicting the relationship between our system and } ________ modalities. } } We consider a solution consisting of ________ __________. Any natural } development of the construction of the ________ will clearly require } that the ________ [6] and ________ are mostly incompatible; our approach } is no different. This may or may not actually hold in reality. We assume } that ___________ methodologies can request symbiotic _________ without } needing to visualize __________. Therefore, the framework that our } algorithm uses is not always feasible. } } 4 Implementation } } After several weeks of onerous ___________ , we finally have a working } implementation of [acronym]. we have not yet implemented the centralized } __________ facility, as this is the least unfortunate component of } [acronym]. Further, we have not yet implemented the __________ } _________, as this is the least ________ component of [acronym]. } [acronym] is composed of a ____________ compiler, a __________________ } system, and a __________ of 36 __________. This is crucial to the } success of our work. We have not yet implemented the __________ } __________, as this is the least robust component of ________. We plan } to release all of this under public domain. } } 5 Experimental Evaluation } } Our evaluation strategy represents a valuable research contribution in } and of itself. Our overall evaluation seeks to prove three hypotheses: } (1) that an ___________ complexity is not as important as an } ____________ historical ______when minimizing average ______; (2) that } we can do a whole lot to adjust an __________; and finally (3) that } ________ stayed constant across successive generations. Unlike other } authors, we have decided not to synthesize _________. It might seem } counterintuitive but has ample historical precedence. Unlike other } authors, we have decided not to deploy _________. Our logic follows a } new model: _________ is king only as long as __________ takes a back } seat to _________. Our evaluation strives to make these points clear. } } 5.1 _____________ Configuration } } [second diagram, with two axes] } } Figure 2: The average __________of [acronym], compared with the other } solutions [3]. } } We modified our standard __________ as follows: we carried out a } __________ deployment on [school]'s __________ to disprove the } __________ behavior of discrete __________. Had we simulated our } ________, as opposed to _______ it in ________ , we would have seen } degraded results. To begin with, we added more _________ to our } __________ to probe methodologies. Similarly, we added more ______ to } the ________ theoretic overlay __________. On a similar note, Japanese } ________ removed some _____ from our _________ to measure ___________'s } lack of influence on the __________. With this change, we noted } exaggerated ___________. } } [third picture, this time a bar graph] } } Figure 3: The expected ________ of [acronym], compared with the other } frameworks. } } We _______ [acronym] on commodity __________, such as ______ and } ________. our experiments soon proved that monitoring our discrete } _________ was more effective than making _________, as previous work } suggested [11]. Our experiments soon proved that refactoring our } _____________ was more effective than ________ them, as previous work } suggested. Similarly, we implemented our __________ in _________, } augmented with _______________ extensions. We note that other } researchers have tried and failed to enable this functionality. } } [graph over time] } } Figure 4: The mean time since 1970 of [acronym], as a function of } __________. } } 5.2 Experiments and Results } } figure3.png } } Figure 5: The median distance of [acronym], compared with the other } _________. } } Is it possible to justify the great pains we took in our __________? } Unlikely. We ran four novel experiments: (1) we ran 89 trials with a } simulated __________, and compared results to our earlier deployment; } (2) we measured __________ as a function of __________ on an ______; (3) } we measured ________ as a function of __________ on an _________; and } (4) we ran 41 trials with a simulated _________, and compared results to } our _________. We discarded the results of some earlier experiments, } notably when we deployed 24 ________ across the ___________, and tested } our ____________ accordingly. } } We first illuminate experiments (3) and (4) enumerated above. These } ___________observations contrast to those seen in earlier work [19], } such as [name] seminal treatise on _________ and observed ______. Note } the heavy _______ on the _______ in Figure 2, exhibiting duplicated } __________. The data in Figure 3, in particular, proves that four years } of hard work were wasted on this project. } } Shown in Figure 5, experiments (2) and (4) enumerated above call } attention to our ____________'s average ___________ ratio [18]. Note how } rolling out _________ rather than _________ them in __________ produce } less discretized, more reproducible results. Next, the curve in Figure 2 } should look familiar; it is better known as ________ = n. Note how } rolling out _________ rather than s____________ produce less } discretized, more reproducible results [16,21]. } } Lastly, we discuss experiments (1) and (3) enumerated above. Gaussian } ____________in our ___________ caused unstable experimental results [1]. } Along these same lines, bugs in our system caused the unstable behavior } throughout the experiments [10]. The many __________ in the graphs point } to duplicated ___________ introduced with our ____________ upgrades. } } 6 Conclusion } } In this position paper we confirmed that ________ and __________ can } connect to overcome this quandary. Next, we concentrated our efforts on } demonstrating that ____________ and ____________ can agree to fulfill } this purpose. In fact, the main contribution of our work is that we } examined how the _________ can be applied to the construction of } _________. We plan to make our methodology available on the Web for } public download. } } References } } [1] Bachman, C., Turing, A., and Suzuki, L. ______________. Journal of } _____________ 883 (Mar. 2003), 159-194. } } [2] Backus, J., and Tanenbaum, A. The impact of unstable _________ on } artificial ___________. Journal of ____________ 19 (Jan. 2000), 87-109. } } [3] Clarke, E., Estrin, D., Stearns, R., Anderson, a., Supplicant, } Tanenbaum, A., Sato, K. H., Bose, H., and Wilkinson, J. ________-based, } reliable ___________ for evolutionary ___________. In Proceedings of the } Conference on ___________ Models (Mar. 1992). } } [4] Clarke, E., and Quinlan, J. Enabling the ___________ problem using } efficient theory. In Proceedings of _____ (July 2005). } } [5] Davis, Q., and Milner, R. Towards the construction of ________ } coherence. Tech. Rep. 75-75, University of ________ Dakota, May 1992. } } [6] Garey, M., Sasaki, Z., Hartmanis, J., and Papadimitriou, C. The } relationship between _________ and __________. Journal of __________ } Methodologies 60 (June 2000), 78-98. } } [7] Gupta, S., Sankaranarayanan, U., Garey, M., Kubiatowicz, J., and } Wang, a. The relationship between _______ and virtual _______ using } ________. In Proceedings of _______ (Aug. 2001). } } [8] Harris, G., Clarke, E., and Zhou, a. _______-theoretic, ________ } theory. Journal of ________ Methodologies 14 (June 2004), 58-68. } } [9] Harris, H., Martin, B., Moore, W., and Bhabha, O. An exploration of } __________. In Proceedings of _____ (July 1990). } } [10] Hawking, S. UrithEscot: Study of ____. Tech. Rep. 9347/56, UIUC, } June 2001. } } [11] Hoare, C. A. R., and Wilson, D. A case for _________. _____ } Technical Review 3 (Nov. 1999), 20-24. } } [12] Jackson, X., Kobayashi, X. V., and Shamir, A. Deploying ______ } models using __________ methods. Journal of Automated ________ 12 (Jan. } 1999), 44-52. } } [13] Levy, H. A construction of _______ using _____. OSR 11 (Jan. } 2003), 77-99. } } [14] Milner, R., Hartmanis, J., Johnson, D., and Floyd, S. An } investigation of _______. In Proceedings of ___ (Apr. 1997). } } [15] Orrie. The effect of _______ technology on ________. In } Proceedings of ____ (Jan. 2005). } } [16] Rahul, X. DotyKelt: Ambimorphic methodologies. Journal of _________ } Theory 41 (Sept. 2005), 20-24. } } [17] Scott, D. S., and Floyd, R. Contrasting _________ and consistent } _________. OSR 42 (Nov. 2002), 58-64. } } [18] Shenker, S., Takahashi, T. C., and Hamming, R. Decoupling _______ } from __________ in reinforcement _________. In Proceedings of ____ } (Sept. 1996). } } [19] Smith, J., Jacobson, V., and Narayanaswamy, Y. Visualizing ______ } using _________ modalities. _____ Rep. 1778, CMU, Feb. 1992. } } [20] Stallman, R. Deconstructing the ________. Journal of _________ 67 } (Oct. 2005), 1-18. } } [21] Williams, P., and Hartmanis, J. Deconstructing _________ using } _________. Journal of ______________ 69 (Feb. 2003), 155-194. --- 1445-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What happens when we die? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I don't die. So you should have said, "What happens when I die?" } } But you didn't grovel. So you should have said, at the least, "O } Oracle most wise, what happens when I die?" } } And that question is not very specific. I know what you meant, of } course, being omniscient, but you should word the question more } precisely. You should have said, "O Oracle most wise, what happens to } me when I die?" } } And then there's the tense issue. You should have said, "O Oracle most } wise, what will happen to me when I die?" } } You will be cremated. } } You owe the Oracle an urn. --- 1445-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have just learned that I know nothing at all about the hazards of > microcosmic radiation. Please tell me what I should do. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Look, if you just read the manual... no, wait, you lost it, didn't you? } *sigh* I've got a copy that CERN gave to me somewhere around here. } } /----- } | Small Hadron Collider (tm) } | } | SAFTEY HAZZARDS } | } | It can be fun to make your own subatomic discoveries with this } | particle accellerator for the home, there are some hazzards you } | must be cautious of. } | } | * NEVER allow small children, animals or evil geniuses to operate } | the Small Hadron Collider. } | * If the power cables for the Small Hadron Collider appear frayed } | or melted, DO NOT turn it on. } | * The Small Hadron Collider has been known to destabilize the } | relationship between mass, gravity and space. If you experience } | weight gain during operation, turn off the Small Hadron Collider } | IMMEDIATELY. } | * For simliar reasons mentioned above, nearby triangles may } | contain GREATER than 180 degrees after operating the Small } | Hadron Collider. } | * Some users have experienced sub-nuclear singularities (aka "black } | holes") after turning off the containment field. It is important } | that this singularity remain WITHOUT AN ELECTRICAL CHARGE until } | it evaporates -- always wear a static wrist-guard when using the } | Small Hadron Collider. } | * If the singularity is charged, keep anything made of matter or } | energy away from the event horizon until it evaporates. Resulting } | Hawking radiation may induce super-powers, cancer, or super-powered } | cancer. } | * If during operation of the Small Hadron Collider, you are } | confronted by an parallel universe version of yourself, AVOID } | CONTACT IF POSSIBLE. Look for signs of evil twin-ness, such as } | goatees or dressing more slutty than you would ever dare sober. } | * Theorists speculate that the energies generated by the Small } | Hadron Collider are sufficient to give birth to a microcosmos } | (aka "baby universes"). Although any such microcosmos would be } | in a parallel reality to our own, some bleed may occur. If } | you are experiencing high-energy gamma radiation resulting from } | perpendicular superstring loops, administer 1 tspn of IODINE } | CORBAMITE and call your local hospial. DO NOT INDUCE VOMITING. } | . } . } . } } The list goes on and on, really. CERN had just one page of warnings, } but after the SHC was marketed in America, all the lawsuits forced them } to make an exhaustive list. } } You owe the Oracle a Kashmir-effect sweater. --- 1445-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Has anyone ever had to cut off their tongue because it > was frozen to a flagpole? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, but they never talk about it. --- 1445-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle most saffron and verdant, > > What will be the last words I utter?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, it was Donovan who was wild about Saffron. Actually he } probably had lots of women so Saffron wasn't probably the only woman } he was wild about. And Donovan was Mellow Yellow (which fits with } him being wild about Saffron), but I don't know if he was Verdant, } although I know that in Star Trek one way that Captain Kirk was } rescued was with a patch of Viridian, yet another color of green. } Actually, Donovan was "called" Mellow Yellow, which might have been } better than calling him Mountain Dew or Dr Pepper. } } But I digress. I was tempted to tell you exactly what you would say, } but when I looked it up I discovered that it's a raw form of profanity } that is so bad, so black that it is prohibited to be expressed by } electronic communications in 12 states and the District of Columbia. } } I then realized that if I do tell you what you will say, you're } very likely to have an operation done so that it's impossible to say } those words, in a weak and feeble attempt to cheat death by changing } the future. On the other hand, I could lie to you, and tell you } a different set of words, so that you'd prevent those, but then, } when you died, you'd realize I'd lied and you'd come looking for me } in the Afterlife to seek revenge for my betrayal. } } I decided to have a conversation with God, so I went over to her } office, and it went something like this: } } Me (to Her secretary): Is She in? } Secretary: Yes, she'll see you now. } Me: Hi, how are you doing? } Her: Not bad, Oracle, what can I do you for? } Me: I've got a question from someone who wants to know what their last } words will be. I... } Her: Are you thinking I'm God today? } Me: Well, yes, aren't you? } Her: What does it say on my door? } Me: Same as it always does, "Office of the Invisible Pink Unicorn" } Her: And what does it say in fine print at the bottom? } Me: Let me look. Oh, I'm sorry, it says "God: Every even weekend." } Who's God this week, Satan or the Flying Spaghetti Monster? } IPU: Let me put it this way: There's no pasta available at the Eternal } Cafeteria this weekend and all the hot dogs are hot, very hot, as } in charcoal burned. } Me: Has Satan gone back to trying to cook again? } IPU: Yeah, and he's gotten better. He's gone from 'completely inedible' } to 'heartburn for 5000 years'. } Me: Well, if you'll excuse me, I have to go ask God a question before } someone else takes his job. } I walk down the hall to another office. } Me: Is he in? } Secretary: For you, Orrie, sure. } I walk in. } Me: Hi, how you doing? } Him: For what worthless and improper purpose does thou enter the office } of the Almighty? } Me: Knock it off, FSM, I knew you back when you were a can of } Spaghettios at the A&P, just because you're God this weekend doesn't } mean you get to Lord it all over everyone. } Him: Oh, okay, yeah, Oracle, you're always right. So, what can I do you } for? } Me: A petitioner is asking me what their last words will be. I'm not } sure if I should answer it straight, and risk they might figure a } way to change the future by preventing themselves from saying it, or } lying and maybe having them come after me for betraying them. } Him: Well, I can tell you exactly what to say. [Response redacted due } to obscenity regulations] } Me: I can't tell them that. I already told them that I found out that } it's illegal to say that in e-mail. } Him: Oh, well in that case I know exactly what you can tell them. } I smiled. } } I now repeat to you what I was told. } } "Pursuant to the Word of God, your final words when you leave this } veil of tears will be... the exact ones which are right and appropriate } for the time and location where the incident takes place." } } You owe The Oracle the right to perform with you, after you die, } the exact thing you're going to say when you die. I assure you, } I'll be gentle, and you'll have fun too. I promise. --- 1445-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > For unto us an Orrie's born! Unto us an Orrie's given! Unto us an > Orrie's born! For unto us an Orrie's booooooooo(unto us)ooooooo > (an Orrie's given)ooooo oo(unto us)oooooo(an Orrie's born!)oorn. > And the U.S. Government shall be upon his shouoououuulderrrrr. > And his Name shall be call-ed: > Oracle! > Counselor! (of supplicants) > The Mighty Oracle! > The Omni-Scient Orrie! > The Prince of Peace! > > Are there any decent performances out there of Handel's > Messiah by cartoon characters, such as Alvin and the Chipmunks or > Popeye? How do they do the chipmunk voices anyway? Is it helium or > speeding up the recording? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Most people believe that it's done by playing a 7 1/2 ips tape at 15 } ips. The equipment was once common in broadcasting studios. } } For the Messiah you'll need Popeye (bass), Wimpy (tenor), Olive Oyl } (alto) and the Chipmunks (soprano). The recordings do not yet exist, } but that's a simple matter of studio production, well within your } capabilities once you find a few old Magnecord or Ampex studio tape } recorders. Oh, and licences from the syndicates so the characters can } appear. } } You owe the Oracle a can of spinach that actually tastes good.