From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Thu Aug 20 14:39:13 2009 Received: from newman.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/IUCS_2.88) with ESMTP id n7KIdCNO019851; Thu, 20 Aug 2009 14:39:13 -0400 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/Submit) id n7KIdCHR019850; Thu, 20 Aug 2009 14:39:12 -0400 Date: Thu, 20 Aug 2009 14:39:12 -0400 From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200908201839.n7KIdCHR019850@newman.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1459 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1459 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1459 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 20 Aug 2009 14:39:01 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or http://www.internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1459 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1454 28 votes 0c745 127c6 18b53 27a72 039c4 18946 4b742 18e50 22aa4 46a53 1454 3.1 mean 3.1 3.7 3.0 3.0 3.6 3.2 2.6 2.8 3.4 2.9 --- 1459-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My friend has a dell optiplex with XP. She doesn't use it but > I use it when I visit every week (in fact I am typing this > question to you from that very machine at this moment!). > Anywho, every week the clock is off by 3 hours. Why is this? > It can't be a battery or something like that since the > minutes are exactly correct (as is the date). Only the hour > is wrong. What's up with that? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your friend is clearly in the wrong timezone. She should probably pack } up her belongings and move East/West about 3000 miles (depending on } whether the clock is 3 hours fast or slow). } } You owe the Oracle a grovel-producing algorithm written in Visual } Basic. --- 1459-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > In addition to this question box could another box be > provided in which we could type additional instructions that > could be sent to the recipient Oracle such that this > information would *not* be shown as part of the question? > > Sometimes it is necessary to coordinate matters more closely > with the person who is to answer, than simply asking a > question. This would aid in providing edifying material to > readers of the exchange, without the distracting > stiltedness that would result by printing out the extra > information along with the question. > > Thank you for considering my request. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ((Jesus, this guy is an idiot.)) } } Dear supplicant, } } ((Why am I even answering this? He didn't so much as grovel!)) } } Although your idea is interesting, } } ((No it isn't. Oh well, I suppose he WAS polite.)) } } it seems to me that it would be an esoteric feature, } } ((Man, I love the word "esoteric." It's useful in so many places.)) } } useful in only a smattering of requests. } } (("Smattering" is pretty cool too. I wonder what's for lunch.)) } } For the most part, it would probably just add an unnecessary line of } metadata } } ((I hope it's leftover mushroom pasta that Lisa made last night. That } stuff was killer. She makes the most awesome lunches for me.)) } } that would be a slight increased load on the server, } } ((Although I wish she wouldn't put those damned string cheeses in, } sometimes.)) } } as it's a rare case indeed where the Oracle's answer needs to conform } to a certain format. } } ((Like I care how you want me to respond to your questions anyways.)) } } Nonetheless, I will take your suggestion under consideration, } } ((No I won't.)) } } and it will, perhaps, be implemented at some time in the future. } } ((No it won't.)) } } Sincerely, } } ((Yeah right.)) } } Oracle. } } ((Thassa meee...)) } } PS: } } ((Hmmm...something appropriate...)) } } You owe the Oracle some tasty mushroom pasta. } } ((NICE.)) --- 1459-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Harrumph. I asked for help with my acne, and I guess you were listening > with both ears tied behind your back, just to make things difficult. > > Acme (the mail-order business that the Roadrunner runs to the extreme > detriment of W. Coyote) is Acme Consolodated Manufacturing Enterprises. > > Acne is a skin ailment. > > See the difference? My problem is zits on my skin, not exploding rocket > sleds or anvils inconveniently labelled "parachute". > > Got it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Relax, the Oracle has the answer you need. If you hold the front of } your pants /away/ from your body after you're done with the urinal, you } will never have to worry about zips on your skin again. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of button-fly jeans. --- 1459-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If you are so grate, why is a certain database product with a similar > name such a piece of $#!^? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Such a brilliant question deserves a brilliant answer, like, "um... } what?" } } But I realize from the mastery of language that you display that you } requir e a more challenging and less moronic answer. Therefore... } } My nomenclature derives from an archaic conviction that selected } individuals were subservient to deific entities and were thus endowed } with a peculiar capacity to produce resolutions to various queries and } conundrums involving some henceforth occurrence. Contrary to the } desires and expectations of the supplicants, however, the utterances } of which they were the recipients were often ambiguous and illuminated } naught. Furthermore, a number of the supplicants experienced negative } results for which their personal misinterpretation was the causation. } It is merely coincidental that the information technology in your } missive maintains the sobriquet to which I am properly entitled, being } the superlative evolutionary descendant of the historic prototype. } } Thnx 4 dropin bye! } } You owe the Oracle a thesis on the antonyms of the term } "sesquipedalian" and the negative effect they have on society. --- 1459-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How long would it take an average human being to inflate an > automobile tire solely with his farts? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Indeterminate: } + The average human being wouldn't even try this; } + Lowering a human being's IQ sufficiently to try this will remove } them from average; } + The average human being doesn't produce enough flatulence to } maintain the pressure in a tire, let alone inflate it; } + Eating enough beans to produce sufficient flatulence will induce } severe dietary deficiencies in the average human being; } + The average human being can't generate enough pressure to fill the } tire to the required PSI; } + Pumping equipment sufficient to generate enough pressure will } seriously injure or kill the average human being; } + THERE AREN'T ANY AVERAGE HUMAN BEINGS. } } You owe the Oracle a methane-fueled pump, and enough below-average } human be ings to fuel it. --- 1459-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > hey, orrie... how long can i survive on just peanuts and > cracker jack? i jokingly said "I don't care if I ever get > back!", and then my asshole friends left me stranded here > with nothing to eat except an infinite supply of peanuts and > cracker jack... help... getting dizzy And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As long as you } root root root for the home%team } everything will be fine, regardless of your food. If you aren't root, } sudo home%team } should work just the same. } } As for your dizziness, why are you in the nosebleed seats? Get } yourself an upgrade to somewhere lower down in the stands. } } You owe the Oracle the real McCoy and two season passes. --- 1459-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I see one of the priests is named 'Mark Lawrence'. Is this > the same +Mark Lawrence who is Episcopal Bishop of > South Carolina? If so, could you please forward all of my > questions regarding the Episcopal Church to him? I really > respect the guy. He's one of the few decent guys left in > the Episcopal Church. What does he think of xRowan's reaction > to GC09? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, sure. I'll just do that really fast. Would you like me to get } you a coffee while you wait? Do you need me to fluff your pillows } or perhaps give you a damn back rub? } } Do it yourself! I am not your secretary. } } Now, you have a mistaken impression of our Mark Lawrence. There's } nothing about him to respect. However, he does know everything } there is to know about the Episcopal Church and will happily } answer all the questions you have. The more, the better, because } he's been bored. Send your questions all at once directly to him, } one email per question. As you think of more, send them, as well. } And if you're nice about it, you can get him to do your taxes, too. } } He may seem upset about it at first, but that's just our Mark, goofin' } around as always. } } You owe the Oracle a feed from a camera hidden in your cap and a bowl } of fresh popcorn with /real/ butter. --- 1459-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ghastly, grim and ancient Oracle, tell this soul with sorrow laden if, > within the distant Aidenn, it shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the > angels named Lenore? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Once upon a midnight cautious, } While I pondered, weak and nauseous, } Over advertising copy I had wrote for Macy's store... } } (It's from "The Spaniel" by Edgar, Al and Moe.) } } Quoth the Spaniel, "Buy a Ford." } } You owe the Oracle a COMPLETE collection of MAD Magazine, from the } earliest EC beginnings through the bitter end in 2038. --- 1459-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do Greek people shout when they talk? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You do realize to whom you are talking, don't you? I'm the Oracle. The } ANCIENT Oracle. The Ancient GREEK Oracle. I hail from Delphi and } Dodona, I was responsible for the height of Hellenic civilization. And } I do NOT like you diminishing the achievements of an entire people by } claiming that all Greeks shout when they talk. That is a BLATANT } stereotype. It is RUDE and UNACCEPTABLE. AND I WILL HAVE NO PART IN } IT! } } To be fair, I do admit to my fair share of shouting. But to understand } such things, you'd need to see my family around the dinner table when } I was a child. } } * * * * * * * * } } Oracle at Delphi: Leftovers for dinner AGAIN? } } Oracle at Dodona: What do you WANT from me? I have a job also! } } Oracle at Delphi: We've been eating this same sacrificial bull for FOUR } DAYS. } } Oracle at Internet: So, a funny thing happened at Oracle school today. } } Oracle at Dodona: I COOK AND CLEAN AND WORK FULL TIME. I don't need } to HEAR THIS COMPLAINING. } } Oracle at Delphi: You call this CLEANING? This PLACE IS A STY! } } Oracle at Dodona: I DON'T SEE YOU HELPING AROUND THE HOUSE! } } Oracle at Internet: So we were learning about Zotting... } } Oracle at Delphi: I HELP AROUND HERE! You just NEVER give me credit } for MY chores! } } Oracle at Dodona: Your CHORES? WHAT CHORES? } } Oracle at Delphi: I MOW THE LAWN, TAKE THE TRASH OUT. } } Oracle at Dodona: HAVE YOU LOOKED AT THE LAWN LATELY? IT'S A JUNGLE! } } Oracle at Delphi: I'VE HAD A ROUGH MONTH AT WORK! } } Oracle at Internet: ...and the Zotting instructor called me a natural. } A natural! } } Oracle at Dodona: MORE LIKE A ROUGH MONTH AT THE CHARIOT RACES! } } Oracle at Delphi: WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? } } Oracle at Dodona: DON'T GIVE ME YOUR INNOCENT FACE! I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN } SLIPPING OFF TO THE TRACK WITH HERCULES AFTER WORK! } } Oracle at Delphi: WHO TOLD YOU THAT? WAS IT EURYSTHEUS? } } Oracle at Dodona: IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO TOLD ME! WHY DO YOU SPEND YOUR } TIME BOOZING IT UP WITH FRIENDS INSTEAD OF COMING HOME TO YOUR FAMILY? } } Oracle at Internet: ...he said that he expects to see a lot of good } Zotting from me in my career. } } Oracle at Delphi: SURE, BIG SURPRISE I DON'T WANT TO RUSH HOME TO } REHEATED BULL STEW FOR THE FOURTH NIGHT IN A ROW! } } Oracle at Internet: ...he said I might win... } } Oracle at Dodona: MAYBE IF YOU BROUGHT HOME SOMETHING OTHER THAN } SACRIFICIAL ANIMALS! } } Oracle at Internet: ...a Zotting award... } } Oracle at Delphi: YOU KNOW HOW MUCH FRESH PRODUCE COSTS THESE DAYS? } THERE'S A DROUGHT GOING ON! } } Oracle at Internet: ...at this years Zotting championships. } } Oracle at Dodona: SURE, BLAME IT ON SOMETHING ELSE JUST LIKE YOU } ALWAYS DO. "IT'S THE DROUGHT, IT'S THE ECONOMY, IT'S THE STRESS AT } WORK." } } Oracle at Internet: ****ZOT!!!**** NOW WILL EVERYBODY JUST SHUT UP AND } LISTEN TO ME? } } *pause* } } Oracle at Delphi: Oh, hey, I didn't even notice you were here. } } Oracle at Dodona: Why don't you tell us about your day, sweetie? } } Oracle at Delphi: We shout because we love each other. } } Oracle at Dodona: Nice Zot, by the way. I'm glad to see how well your } lessons are progressing. } } * * * * * * * * } } I can't speak for all Greeks, but I'm pretty sure it's clear why I } shout all the time. } } Oh, and, yes, I used to go by "Oracle at Internet" instead of } "Internet Oracle." That was the style back then. } } You owe the Oracle the phone number of a good therapist. --- 1459-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What was J.R.R. tokin'? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Smaug the Magic Dragon.