From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Mon Jan 25 08:31:16 2010 Received: from newman.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/IUCS_2.91) with ESMTP id o0PDVGKd006734; Mon, 25 Jan 2010 08:31:16 -0500 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/Submit) id o0PDVG4V006731; Mon, 25 Jan 2010 08:31:16 -0500 Date: Mon, 25 Jan 2010 08:31:16 -0500 From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <201001251331.o0PDVG4V006731@newman.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1464 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1464 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1464 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 25 Jan 2010 08:31:04 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or http://www.internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1464 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1459 33 votes 39b82 359b5 27897 56h32 656c4 5aa53 5d951 2da53 339a8 296a6 1459 3.0 mean 2.9 3.3 3.4 2.7 3.1 2.7 2.5 2.8 3.5 3.3 --- 1464-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle of all that is jolly and strange, whose shoelaces I am unfit > to speak of (oops) and whose handwriting is twice as legible as mine, > may your Oracleness never grow dim. > > Do you know any good secrets? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If the cook tells you it's a secret, it is NEVER good! --- 1464-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey Orrie, you're looking almighty as always, but then you knew that, > you always do. > > So: I've entered my fourth decade of life, I've been supplicating and > incarnating for over fifteen years now, and I've even been digested a > few times. It must be my age that I'm feeling a little unfulfilled and > morose. None of the "classic" mid-life-crisis things seem to have any > appeal: fast cars, faster younger women, large firearms, new big > screen TV, new computer, etc. I could go on, and you could go on a lot > longer. > > I'm appealing for creative ideas on how to get over my depressed > feelings and happily get on with life, other than Yourself of course. > > As a token of my esteem of your eccentric self please accept this > latent desire to yell at kids to keep off the lawn and complain about > how things were better in the past. I have faith you'll find an > amusing and productive use for it. > > All hail the omniscient, omnipotent Oracle! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Horses. You can start with one, but several more always show up, so } make sure you are ready for at least half a dozen of them. They are } really quite nice, and some of them actually love to go places with you } riding, mostly. A few are skilled at providing astronaut training. } } Your life will become filled with books about horses, additional } saddles and bits, perhaps some harnesses and a cart or carriage or } three, and an immense amount of knowledge, eventually weighing about as } much as everything that I, myself, know about horses. Then you'll } decide to buy even more books about horses. } } Meanwhile, you will find that you can make a small fortune with horses, } if you are careful to have started with a large fortune. } } Women, including the young, the fast and the truly reckless, will pay } attention to you and your horses. Mostly the horses, as you'll begin to } discover. Some of those women will also include the much too young, the } much too fast and the much too reckless. Fortunately for you they } (especially the much too young) will get hurt more by falling off } horses than by you. } } You WILL get hurt. There is no way, short of omniscience, to avoid } injury from your horses. } } You owe the Oracle some steel-toed shoes. No, you got it wrong. Listen } more carefully. I didn't say steal toad shoes. I said steel-toed shoes. } Do not dare ask how an omniscient Oracle can get his toes stepped on. --- 1464-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My name is Jennifer Plumpbump. This is a huge problem, as I am not > plump, and am as ugly as sin. Yes, you heard it, a woman saying that > she, herself, is so ugly that she breaks mirrors by thinking about > looking at them. Men attracted to my name, which teases them into > thinking I might be a delightful dalliance, scream in terror and run > away when they see either my face or my figure. I'm well educated (did > it myself, stayed at home, read books, never went to school, afraid of > causing didactic apoplexy), adequately wealthy for my own purposes, and > excellent at riding my horse, who is much more handsome than I. He is > blind. > > I am considering converting to a strict sect of Islam that requires > women to be covered from head to toe, so that I can go about but avoid > showing my face in public. Unfortunately, I am an atheist, so my > conversion would be a sham. I'd have to change my name, too, for the > conversion, which would be a good thing, but it would become > unpronouncable, like Sqhrarjj bit Pbamukh or something. Yecch. > > Please create for me an atheistic religion in which I could be happy > whilst remaining totally hidden, and in which I could get a > regular-style name. Thank you. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Become a pastafarian. --- 1464-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "J. Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > TO TELEGRAPH ORACLE > FUTURE > > OH MIGHTY ORACLE STOP I GROVEL BEFORE YOU STOP HAVE INVENTED MEANS OF > SENDING MESSAGES THROUGH TIME STOP AM NOW TRANSMITTING FROM YEAR 1879 > TO 2009 STOP PLEASE ADVISE ANY FUTURE TECHNOLOGIES I CAN QUOTE INVENT > UNQUOTE STOP PROMISE TO GLORIFY YOUR NAME STOP WILL TITHE TO YOUR > PRIESTHOOD STOP > > SIGNED T A EDISON MENLO PARK NJ And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Okay, you know that guy they call Geisler QUESTION with his invention } that puts an arc through either Argon or Mercury, or both QUESTION and } by that making phosphor coatings within the tube glow QUESTION He has } no clue about simplicity STOP By the time real inventors figure out how } to miniaturize that to fit into one inch sockets, my BACKSPACE } BACKSPACE your estate will be worth Billions STOP Nine Zeros STOP } Tungsten filaments last longer than carbon STOP Burn this STOP Nitrojen } in a glass bulb won't react to Carbon filament heated with electrical } current STOP } } Zadoc? Okay, Tom is online again, making ...yes...1879. No, Einstein } did not fix the timeless telegraph. I had to bribe Heisenberg. No, I } did not owe him anything. I just couldn't export answers to his } questions, and what would people think if I demanded tributes without } answers... } ... } It would TOO be a change, Zadoc. Sometimes answers are buried in a lot } of fictional noise and speculative fiktoids, and they are always in } there, somewhere, especially if you want to do some orijinal research. } Is it warmed up? } ... } ZOT! } ... } Oh, well, I guess Edison can wait another day. --- 1464-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > dear internet oracle, who knows all things and distills wisdom with a > humorous bent, > > a while ago i started posting funnyisms on a semiregular basis. it was > regular enough that people have come to expect it now. there is a lot > of pressure involved, but i have been in a bit of a slump lately. what > can i do to keep the funny flowing? > > your pal, > the great and powerful [supplicant] > > ps: yes, i am totally going to repost your answer and take credit for > it. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Laugh. } } No, really. Pay attention to the world around you. The silly things } people and animals do, for example, or the multitude of ironies in the } news. When something amuses you even a little, take note and pursue } that amusement. Look at it slantwise and upside-down until you find } an angle that you find really funny - then take that funny, package it } in your own particular way, and deliver it to your expectant people. } } This approach may not end your slump, but it'll make it a lot more } enjoyable. } } You owe the Oracle proper credit, or at least a rewrite. I'm watching. --- 1464-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How come Al Gore gets a Nobel Prize for evangelizing his > religion (Global Warming, which btw was recently shown to be > a hoax), but there is no Nobel Prize for Christian > Evangelism? Ray Comfort is long overdue for recognition in > that area. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } MWA-Ha-ha-haah! Too late, fool, my plans have already achieved their } aim! } } Yes, it was me who for decades distorted the data, manipulated the } models, bribed the scientists and corrupted the politicians, while all } the time nobody had an inkling as to my true purpose. And then, earlier } this year, my Machiavellian plotting finally bore fruit, and the } university paid for my trip to COP15. } } Well, c'mon, fair's fair - I'd never been to Copenhagen } before. People are always saying nice things about the place, what with } the Little Mermaid statue and the Tivoli Gardens and the Danes being } very polite and speaking very good English and all. Okay, some of the } presentations were a bit dull, but when that happened I just went out } and amused myself by watching the police baton-charging the protesters. } And the dinners were really excellent so, all in all, I had a great } time. } } So now it's all over and the truth can be told. Yes, there is no } global warming, industrial effluents are good for your health and polar } bears prefer swimming anyway. The whole scam was orchestrated by yours } truly so I could go on a jolly to Denmark. Of course you, Jeremy } Clarkson, Sarah Palin, the Daily Mail and Viscount Moron - sorry, } Monckton - you saw through my little scheme from the start. } Congratulations. } } As to your main point, this would be the same Ray Comfort whose } writings have been described as "a hopeless mess of long-ago-refuted } creationist arguments, teeming with misinformation about the science of } evolution, populated by legions of strawmen, and exhibiting what can be } charitably described as muddled thinking", would it? As it happens, old } Alfred Nobel did seek my advice on what his prizes should be for, and } besides chemistry, medicine, peace, etc, I suggested there should be } one for fruitloopery. To lighten the proceedings up a bit, see? But the } Swedish Academy turned it down because they said it would lower the } tone of the awards ceremony, and maybe they had a point. To be fair, I } don't think your chum Ray would have been a front runner for the } fruitloopery prize in any case, what with all the stiff competition out } there. Viscount Moron - sorry, Monckton - for one. } } So, I take it you're an evolution denier as well as a climate change } denier, eh? Do you by any chance also happen to think the Apollo moon } landings were faked? Because you get a prize if you disbelieve all } three, you know. Not a Nobel - it's one of those Brain Gym games. } } You owe the Oracle an open mind. It doesn't have to be yours. --- 1464-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I know that you are exceptionally brilliant, which means you probably > have no use for idiots. But you probably have little use for > know-it-alls either. > > Which are worse, idiots like my brother, or know-it-alls like my dad? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Know-alls (those who profess themselves to be wise) are worse than } either. Know-it-alls, who memorize all trivia concerning the hairy } member of the Adams family, are actually a subset of idiots. Naturally } someone who only knows 'all' about an 'it' couldn't know much about } pirate pets and multiplication now, could he? } } Yes, so leave your father to his TV trivia hobbies and be on the look } out for know-alls, who, professing themselves wise, became fools, and } exchanged the glory of the incorruptible Oracle into an image made like } unto corruptible supplicants. } } You owe the Oracle some four footed beets and creaking things. --- 1464-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > hi Orrie, Tiger Woods, Mark Sandford and Eliot Spitzer here. > Why can't society be more accepting of who we are? Don't these bigots > know that science is very close to finding a 'lechery' gene and that > many animals exhibit lecherous > behavior? So it's perfectly natural, right? > Do you think we'll be successful in our bid to define > consorting with prostitutes as 'secret marriages' so we can > get tax breaks for these ... erm ... expenses? > Please salve our consciences by giving us social acceptance! > Thanks And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Uh huh. Come to the Oracle for answers, eh? The Oracle knows all and } is willing to impart his wisdom to you. } } But that's not enough for you. What do you do? You send me your } question and sent the same question to Dr. Phil behind my back. Yeah, } you thought you could get away with it, didn't you? "What Orrie won't } know won't hurt him." But, you ungrateful dogs, what does the Oracle } not know? } } Well, talk to the peripheral! /This/ oracle's gonna kick all three of } you TO... THE... CURB! } } You owe the Oracle a grovelling apology, before you get Bobbitted. --- 1464-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, well. Merry Christmas. Just remember, you're not really > the Oracle, you WILL die and you WILL face judgment for all > that you've done (and left undone) before the "Reason for the > Season". Just a friendly little reminder. Have a good one. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Wow, Christmas at your house must be a barrel of laughs. Shouldn't } you be out picketing a Harry Potter movie or something? } } Listen, sunbeam, you have no more proof I'm not who I say I am than } you have for this "Reason for the Season" deity you so touchingly cling } to. In fact, if you studied the matter objectively, you'd have to } admit there is more evidence for my existence than there is for } God's. Do you have His email address? } } Developing this theme, shouldn't you be worshipping me rather than } Jesus? I can't prove to you I'll live forever, but at least } I'm here now while we haven't had a peep out of Jesus since he } slipped off to Heaven. After that, not even a postcard to the } disciples! And I'm definitely more loving and merciful than God. } Yes, I ZOT the occasional ratbag supplicant who spews out yet another } variant on the wretched woodchuck question, but what about that death } of the firstborn business? Over-reaction or what? } } Or do you derive some kind of perverse satisfaction out of the } illogicality of your faith? So according to you God is somehow more } worth believing in precisely because there is less proof of His } existence than there is of mine? If so, it's time you converted to } Pastafarianism. } } Anyway, I'd love to continue this lively discussion, but Lisa's } given me a list of the things I've left undone about the shrine } since the summer. And if I don't get them all done by New Year's } Day, I really WILL face judgement. } } You owe the Oracle a good one. On second thoughts, make it two. --- 1464-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Spectabular Oracle, you inspire me to write false praise! > > Why do my sox get lost only one at a time? It's very frustrating. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Here are ten possible answers to your question: } } 1) One sock is sent out first to do recognisance. } } 2) Fifty percent of the time you do lose two socks at once, but when } that happens you don't notice because instead of having one remaining } sock, you simply have empty space. } } 3) Socks are most typically lost due to bad sock breakups, when one } sock is kicked out of the apartment. } } 4) Socks are cannibals, and the first sock has eaten the second sock. } } 5) Sharks. } } 6) The law of conservation of wool states that socks are a closed } system. Actually, this explains nothing. I'll throw in an 11th reason } to make up for it. } } 7) Your right foot is significantly smellier than your left foot, so } your right socks are running away. } } 8) Variation to number 7 is that your right foot has an exotic South } American fungal infection that causes socks to slowly disintigrate. } } 9) Your significant other is playing tricks on you. } } 10) Your laundry machine is playing tricks on you. } } 11) Your right foot is playing tricks on you. } } P.S. At first I thought I might zot you for your faux grovel, but then } I realized inspiring false praise is the highest form of praise I can } ask for. Keep up the good work.