From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Thu Jul 7 15:35:25 2011 Received: from newman.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/IUCS_2.93) with ESMTP id p67JZOA1021558; Thu, 7 Jul 2011 15:35:25 -0400 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/Submit) id p67JZO6w021555; Thu, 7 Jul 2011 15:35:24 -0400 Date: Thu, 7 Jul 2011 15:35:24 -0400 From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <201107071935.p67JZO6w021555@newman.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1484 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1484 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1484 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 07 Jul 2011 15:35:13 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or http://www.internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1484 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1479 20 votes 11288 25391 27821 09740 25634 02756 19361 2b142 33680 13a51 1479 3.1 mean 4.0 3.1 2.6 2.8 3.1 3.8 2.9 2.6 3.0 3.1 --- 1484-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > how can i overcome her increasing presence in my dreams? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lurid dreaming. --- 1484-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My name is Roger, and I'm an oraclaholic! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Welcome and welcome to the Oracle's 12-Step group for Oracle Addiction! } } Let's review the 12 steps: } } 1) We admitted we were powerless over tellmes, that our desire to } submit questions to other lonely people had become unmanageable. } } 2) We came to believe that an askme could restore us to sanity. } } 3) We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care } of mailer daemons. } } 4) Made a searching and fearless list hoping it would be digested. } } 5) Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact } nature of our desire to submit half-encoded personal questions hoping } to get a relevant answer while all the while being able to play it off } like it was just a big joke. } } 6) We were entirely ready to have the Oracle amuse or disappoint us. } } 7) Made a list of responses we had botched and became willing to } do more askmes so we could screw them up more. } } 8) Did some more askmes and provided half-baked replies. } } 9) Continued to review our "glory days" of inspired responses from } 2006, 2000, 1995, 1989... } } 10) Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious } contact with humor, and then frittered it away on communications with } anonymous strangers. } } 11) Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we } tried to carry this message to compulsive incarnati to assist them in } being more like themselves. } } 12) We then did another personal tellme and sat back to wait for the } attention to pour in. } } You owe the Oracle all that and a bag of 6-month chips. --- 1484-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I feel you could be more dangerous! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I feel you could be less masochist. --- 1484-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Yah yah cthulhu fhtaghn ! > Yah yah cthulhu fhtaghn ! > Yah yah cthulhu fhtaghn ! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Cthulhu waits." Yeah. Waits tables at The Old Spaghetti Factory(tm), } you mean. Quite the ironic decline in fortune, seeing as he's the } priest of elder gods resembling the Flying Spaghetti Monster. I've } seen more than my share of elder gods arrive and depart this cosmos by } now. More like elderly gods in this case; their Noodly Appendages have } gone significantly past "al dente," if you get my drift, and for them } Lovecraft is a thing of the past. } } You owe the Oracle a mythos of marinara. --- 1484-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are some jokes that much funnier at night? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Intoxication happens mostly at night. There is a correlation. --- 1484-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O perfectly coiffed Oracle, > > Is it true? People used to wash their hair with guano?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yeah. They stopped when they realized they missed the company of } females. --- 1484-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's your favorite story? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I don't have a single favorite. I'm not fussy, and many authors } can please me. In general... } } I like my stories the way I like my women: a lot of laughs, not } too much drama, and frequently touching. } } I like my stories the way I like my burials: with a simple plot. } } I like my stories the way I like my restaurants: developed with } an interesting theme. } } I like my stories the way I like my diamonds: in a good setting. } } I like my stories the way I like my cameras: with a clear point of } view. } } I like my stories the way I like my phone books: a large cast of } characters and I don't care about psychological development. } } I like my stories the way I like my deli sandwiches: make the hero } wry and a little cheesy. } } I like my stories the way I like my fashion models' bones: having } good structure. } } I like my stories the way I like my strippers: just give me an } entertaining exposition and for goodness' sake don't make it a drag. } } I like my stories the way I like my New Years Day: with a plausible } resolution. } } I like my stories the way I like my politicians: with a good moral. } } I like my stories the way I like my nipples: with a few good twists } near the end to move things along. } } I like my stories the way I like my lap dances: with a happy ending. } } You owe the Oracle a proper climax to this telling. --- 1484-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How low can you go? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } All right. I can see you are an experienced car buyer, with a } good head for business on your shoulders, so there's no point } in hiding anything from you. I wouldn't do that anyway, I'm } not like those fast-buck artists, I depend on repeat business } and customer referrals. Yeah, I'll just cut to the chase, and } tell you that I can let this exceptionally fine vehicle go for } thirty-four five, not the thirty-nine that's marked. That's } just a couple hundred over what the lot owner paid the little } old lady who had it before now. She only raced it on Saturdays, } otherwise it was just to the grocery store and to church. Yeah, } those little scratches will buff right out; I can't ask the body } shop guys to do that at such a low price, but you can get what } you need at any parts store and do the work yourself in ten } minutes, tops. No, those aren't dents; aerodynamic features, } they provide downward thrust for better handling, yet let you } slip through the air for great gas mileage, 50 MPG on the } highway. Not many full size SUVs can claim that. The tires? } No, they're designed like that, they're called run-flat, look } them up on the Internet, they're a high end item. No, they } don't all have to be flat, the three that are pumped up will } work just as good. And tread? That's merely a style decision } by the tire manufacturer, you actually get better traction when } it's like that, you don't think those guys who race Indy cars } are idiots, do you, they all run with slick tires. No, that's } not a crack in the windshield, that's how high end windshields } are designed these days, with a pre-stressed fault line to } absorb the forces in the event of a crash. The driver's side } door handle, well now, that's a safety feature too - you } probably know that most car-jackings are done by opening the } driver's door and pulling the driver out. No no, this vehicle } isn't abnormally prone to car-jacking, but it's certainly a } desirable vehicle, and in this day and age you can't be too } careful, so crawling in on the passenger side is for your own } protection. Speaking of desirable, I've got another buyer } coming in tomorrow morning to take a second look at it, so if } you want to do business my advice would be to grab this deal } while it's still on the table for you. I'm sure a smart buyer } like you will know what to do. } } Yes, this is really and truly as low as I, or anyone, can go. } } You owe the Oracle a $499.95 down payment on rustproofing of } the muffler bearings. --- 1484-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My girlfriend Zelda says that if I really love her I'll become a > vegetarian. The problem is that I like Oscar Meyer hot dogs. I even > like to sing the song, but it disgusts Zelda, so I'll stop singing it. > Mostly. > > For a while I was thinking about lying to Zelda about stopping eating > hot dogs, but I'm sure she would follow me around like a paranoid or > something. > > I tried some vegetarian hot dogs made out of soy turd, and they were > awwful. > > So I was thinking, Trader Joe's now has a chicken hot dog. They are all > natural and organic and don't have any chemicals like chlorine, iron or > germnasium. And chickens are sort of like vegetables, not like cows. I > think they even eat vegetables or something, not like cows who eat > whatever cows eat. > > Are chicken hot dogs kosher for a vegetarian diet? And if they are not, > how can I convince Zelda that they are? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Supplicant, } } Here are some suggestions: } } 1) Hypnosis. Speak in a soothing tone and tell her that chickens are } vegetables. } } 2) Simple substitution (this is more deceit than convincing): put } celery on a hot dog bun and move it toward your face while salivating. } Then shout "look behind you!" When she turns away, scarf a beef frank } real quick and toss the celerog. } } 3) This will take some prep. Convince her that she was wrong ever to } think chickens were not vegetables. Depending on the level of her } intelligence, you could try } } a) simply covering a chicken corpse with dirt in your yard, seeing a } feather, pulling it up from the ground as if surprised and say "I can't } believe it! Chickens are vegetables! Damn you public education!" } } b) make a mock-up chicken farm (enlist your friends) with acres upon } acres of chickens "rooted" to the ground. Take her for a visit. Make } it spontaneous -- when you're driving along to the vegetable store, say } "Let's stop and see a chicken farm! Maybe we can liberate some } chickens!" When you get there -- uh-oh! Chickens are vegetables! Who } knew? Have a nice laugh, and then a nice chog.* } } 4) Confuse the matter by treating vegetables as chickens for some time. } For example, make a clucking noise whenever a carrot is around. Go } through the motions of plucking a beet. Carry okra with you and refer } to it as a flightless bird. Then once she has transferred the sense } "chicken" to vegetable phenomena, she will be ready to have "vegetable" } applied to chicken phenomena. } } 5) If none of the above options works, you could simply try forcing her } to accept the idea that a chicken hot dog is part of a healthy } vegetarian diet. } } You owe the Oracle a broccoli jacket, a spinach collar, and a pea hat. } } *Chog, like celerog, is a portmanteau of "chicken" and "dog." Most } speakers avoid the other choice, 'dicken', for the possible ambiguity } in utterances such as "Well aren't you just the cutest little dickens!" } If 'dicken' were current for 'chicken dog', confusion could arise } between the senses: } } a) You are a cute little devil. } b) You are a cute tolt of chicken dogs. --- 1484-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it so hard And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Usually because of the reading material or whatever you have at hand.